Gransnet forums


? DH micro cheating

(49 Posts)
Nana75 Sat 18-Nov-23 12:51:15

A few months ago my DH decided to "search for his ex girlfriend from decades ago. He was eventually successful.He decided NOT to tell me about this" quest" I found out when her first email arrived.He looked very pleased!Emails continued for a while back and forward.Some quite innocent,some not so much.One in particular I found upsetting and hurtful,when he described their past adolescent relationship and the time it became "serious" .The relationship itself did not last long,12-18 months when it fizzled out. He ended it.There was a suggested "meeting for coffee" which never materialised.My ongoing problem is not so much the fact the contact was made,but the deceit and secrecy which was part of it.To clarify,we are normally quite open with one another.He reads my emails,I,his.But during this exchange he quickly deleted some.I know this because it was stated in one I did see.Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation and would you call it "micro cheating" ?Kind comments please as I am still reeling from this and feel betrayed by it.

Marydoll Sat 18-Nov-23 12:57:27

I would be incredibly hurt by this. Sending you hugs. 💐

You really need to speak to him about this, otherwise it will eat away at you.

Poppyred Sat 18-Nov-23 12:59:21

Why did he feel that he needed to reconnect with a past love? Are you going through a rough patch? Is he feeling bored? Ask him?

I would be furious!

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 18-Nov-23 13:00:09

It’s cheating, no ‘micro’ about it.

crazyH Sat 18-Nov-23 13:02:46

Totally wrong. Don’t let him continue this ‘micro cheating’.
Good luck …

kircubbin2000 Sat 18-Nov-23 13:08:13

Why is he reading your e mails? I would not like that.

HeavenLeigh Sat 18-Nov-23 13:16:54

It’s a big fat no no from me! I’d be furious Nana75. It’s cheating in my book! Hopefully no one is going to reply to you in an unkind way love. I want to give to a virtual hug and kick him up the jacksee. I wonder how he would feel if you did the same. I’d be having a few words with him

M0nica Sat 18-Nov-23 13:36:55

Totally agree with GSM

sharon103 Sat 18-Nov-23 13:49:42

It's cheating!
I'd reply to one of her emails to your husband and tell her where to get off.
And a stiff warning if he was my husband.
As they get older sometimes they fantasize going back to their youth. Reality is, It's gone and would never be the same again anyway
The male menopause I call it.
I was cheated on but no internet then. Some telephone 'wrong numbers' though. He left for someone he worked with.
It tore me apart and still heartbroken now if I think about it.
Once the trust has gone........
I feel for you and sending a big hug.

Smileless2012 Sat 18-Nov-23 13:51:09

I agree with everything that's been said. You need to tell him exactly how you feel about this and you wont tolerate him doing anything like it again in the future.

Sending you a (((hug))) flowers.

Patsy70 Sat 18-Nov-23 15:05:22

It’s understandable that you feel betrayed Nana75 by your husband’s deceitful behaviour. I would agree with others and suggest you tell him just how very hurt you feel and find out why he felt the need to contact an old flame. 💐

Ziplok Sat 18-Nov-23 15:19:17

I’m afraid his behaviour is underhand. It is cheating.

I’d be very unhappy if my DH did this.

I think you need to clear the air with him, ask him why he feels the need to dredge up the past, contact this woman and be secretive about it all and also why he also feels it necessary to delete some of the emails.

It’s a breach of trust in my book.

Silvergirl Sat 18-Nov-23 18:54:18

This is cheating. If my husband did this I would have to assess if I really wanted to stay with him.

AGAA4 Sat 18-Nov-23 19:53:12

This must be hurting you a lot. He is forming a relationship with an old flame and trying to keep it secret. You need to show him how much this is upsetting you and tell him to end contact with this woman.
I wish you well in this difficult situation.

Whethertomorrow Sat 18-Nov-23 22:44:10

I wouldn’t bother confronting him. If he’s doing something wrong he will just deny it, if he’s not doing anything he will get upset and call you jealous etc. the best thing in my opinion is to search out an old flame of your own real or otherwise (perhaps a gransnetter could pretend). Have your own secretive but accidentally visible to your husband flirty texts. After all what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

silverlining48 Sat 18-Nov-23 23:26:17

It’s may not be a physical affair but is an emotional affair which can be just as hurtful. It happened to a friend who was terribly upset. She was going to leave him but decided against in the end but trust had gone and she feels very differently now.

welbeck Sat 18-Nov-23 23:28:47

i have a feeling of deja vu.
did you start another thread about this, ?2 weeks ago ?

henetha Sat 18-Nov-23 23:40:05

There's nothing micro about it. It's cheating. And terribly hurtful to you. Is that what he wants, to hurt you?
Serious thought about your future is needed. I do wish you all the best. 💐

VioletSky Sun 19-Nov-23 01:58:12

This is an emotional affair. How you are feeling is completely valid. It can be harder to recover from than a short term fling because of the depth of feeling involved in it.

Please get some support to deal with this

V3ra Sun 19-Nov-23 02:23:43


i have a feeling of deja vu.
did you start another thread about this, ?2 weeks ago ?

Nana75 raised her concerns as a reply to another poster in their thread.

Grammaretto Sun 19-Nov-23 07:06:49

Talk to him about it. I can understand a natural curiosity about what became of an old flame but not the reconnecting.
You may think your relationship is open and relaxed but if he's now being deceitful and you are not happy, his fantasies should be nipped in the bud

Luckygirl3 Sun 19-Nov-23 08:13:58

I think it is the secrecy that is the problem.

I met up with my first love many years ago as he came up on Friends Reunited. But the difference was that it was all out in the open and my OH came with me. We had a nice day.

NannyJan53 Sun 19-Nov-23 08:47:09

To me it is the secrecy which shows he is planning to meet this person at some point in the future. That is 'cheating' whether or not this actually happens.

ExDancer Sun 19-Nov-23 08:57:06

Reply to her directly, starting by asking her bluntly if she's hoping to renew her teenage crush after all these years.
If she has any decency she'll back off.
I'd deal with husband later.
He should be ashamed with himself!

maddyone Sun 19-Nov-23 09:19:46

I feel for you. As others have said, this is cheating. You must confront your husband about this, I’m quite surprised you haven’t done so already.
I hope you can sort it out flowers