Birthday gifts

And a gift on Mother’s Day. 👍🏻

I’d just text them on their next birthdays - no cards or presents. See how they feel…..

I really not into big displays of affection. BUT that was not on I'm quite happy with flowers and chocolates but not to get a card I find hurtful especially with Moonpig or Pigeon online. I don't know what the dynamics are now wether you sort your own parents out but come on. I wouldn't send them any cards next year and let them wonder why!!!

I don’t understand where all these thoughtless adults come from . The Op seems like a very giving person to her whole family but they couldn’t even buy her a card , very selfish. If I was in your position I would send a card or email message to them for occasions and stop the presents .

I don't give a monkeys about my birthday and don't look for anything. But then I don't give to my adult children anymore, but do give/send to all the grandchildren. I don't look for anything at Christmas either, they have enough expenses then with the children.
For me this is financial as much as anything else.
I know they buy for inlaws and inlaws buy back but can't say as it offends me at all. ( Maybe this goes back to Santa only buying me Christmas presents every other year and me getting birthday presents the in between year but never getting both as my mother insisted my November birthday was to near Christmas to get both, so I grew up expecting and getting nothing)

If they didn't buy your Ex and his partner a gift , I would say they are just being thoughtless, but I would ask them why they think it is ok to buy for others but not for you? .As mothers we sometimes say unconsciously things like " don't waste your money on me" have you in the past? But I do think they are being a bit mean and it makes you feel unappreciated. I would call them out.

I never get presents because I've asked them not to get me presents any more, but I'd certainly be upset if I didn't get any cards. During lockdown my husband made me cards with mad pencil drawn pigeons and flowers, he's no artist but they mean a lot to me.

I don't understand why you felt you should buy them all a meal for your special birthday.. surely they should be treating you.. and giving you a cake,cards and presents.. what a mean bunch!!

Bugbabe2019

Oh come on! A txt on your 60th birthday is not good enough! No card or present off anyone! You must have very low expectations of your adult children!

Good -- we all feel differently!

Gracious, what wrong with a txt? She turned 60, not 100.

Someone bothered to txt - I think that's just fine. Do people really want to make a war out of something small? I never advise anything apart from ignoring little minutia. Just me.

So sad they were so uncaring.
I’d stop buying the grown ups gifts. It’s different for little ones.
60 is special and you should have had a fuss made to make you feel loved xxx

I think it is a real shame and they are selfish.

If they had paid for the meal that would have been something - but to not give a card or gift and then accept a free meal is terrible.

Of course you feel hurt and you are entitled to. Sixty is a big birthday - l am one year behind you. Whatever the ins and outs of the divorce, you are still their mother and brought them up to the best of your ability. They should have acknowledged this and the fact that you paid for a lovely celebration meal. I would have to say something to my family if this were the case for me. It isn’t all about the presents either, is it? It’s the fact that you feel unloved because they were so thoughtless and, even though I am sure you try not to compare yourself with your ex and his wife, the fact is that comparison is inevitable and very, very hurtful.

I understand why you feel hurt and it does rather seem like taking for granted. But if this has gone on for years it has become the rather unfortunate and thoughtless norm for them!

Some questions for you to consider maybe but no need to answer on here unless you want to...

- Have they ever given presents etc?
- Have you ever said that it would be nice to all share presents?
- Do they know you would like to have presents etc or have you given the impression (even inadvertently) that you don't need anything/want anything etc?
- You pay because you don't want them out of pocket...is that part of a "Oh mum doesn't want any fuss/mum just likes to give us stuff" impression given?
- Do you enjoy the babysitting? If so why stop that enjoyment because of your hurt over this?
- If you stop the babysitting would they make a connection to the lack of cards/presents stuff?

- Could you just speak to them and say that you are feeling a bit sad that you no longer seem to have the lovely pleasure of opening cards and presents on your birthday.? Be honest, tell them it makes you feel sad!

- or follow Monica's suggestion above

but I suggest you consider the questions first and answer to yourself honestly

I hope that you can find a way forward that makes you feel better

When are your ACs next big birthdays? If one or other might be coming up soon, you could "casually" ask if they are expecting any sort of present, as they hadn't bothered for your 60th. It might make them think.
I've got 80 looming up, but I think I will say, no presents. I know the other GPs are pretty much the same age and they set more store by birthdays. It could all become a bit of a burden for the AC and families.
For me and my late DH, it was wedding anniversaries for which we pushed the boat out, but that's no longer a thing.

rfemember the old saying You cant choose your family but you choose your friends!! So whilst I would not actually deliberately fall out with the family, as they have decided that special occasions do not need any efforts made by them then do the same. send a card if you can be bothered but cheaper to send a text or email wishing them a happy day and spend the money you might have spent on them on going out with a friend and perhaps having lunch or go to a concert or something, where you will enjoy yourself in your own way and remember the happy occasions you have spent with your friend!! I wouldnt particularly remark upon it , just do it and if they comment such as were we meant to only have a card? or such like, you can reply Well I thought that is what you had decided to do so just fitting in with you all. (If they dont like it they can lump it!!) I would also think if finances allow to go away for a couple of days or get a cottage in an offpeak time with a friend and you can enjoy yourselves. When my friend was having a cataract operation and was unable to drive we did a week in the Lake district. I was happy to do the driving , we shared costs and had a great time and chose one with a hot tub , so that we went around the district with very little traffic and took picnics etc and bought chinese and took it back and sat in the evening in the hot tub and caught up on gossip and chat. It was a great time and I am so glad as my friend died a couple of months ago and I have this lovely time to remember. The person you should be being kind to is easy to meet. Just look in the mirror next time you walk into the bathroom and there she is. Treat her with care!! Have a happy time with true friends or also I enjoy occasionally just going on my own and being able to wander round art galleries and book shops and nat trust places with the freedom to come and go as I chose and noone to please but myself. Give it a try - you may be surprised how much you enjoy doing it. Make 2024 the year of YOU!!

Madgran77

I understand why you feel hurt and it does rather seem like taking for granted. But if this has gone on for years it has become the rather unfortunate and thoughtless norm for them!

Some questions for you to consider maybe but no need to answer on here unless you want to...

- Have they ever given presents etc?
- Have you ever said that it would be nice to all share presents?
- Do they know you would like to have presents etc or have you given the impression (even inadvertently) that you don't need anything/want anything etc?
- You pay because you don't want them out of pocket...is that part of a "Oh mum doesn't want any fuss/mum just likes to give us stuff" impression given?
- Do you enjoy the babysitting? If so why stop that enjoyment because of your hurt over this?
- If you stop the babysitting would they make a connection to the lack of cards/presents stuff?

- Could you just speak to them and say that you are feeling a bit sad that you no longer seem to have the lovely pleasure of opening cards and presents on your birthday.? Be honest, tell them it makes you feel sad!

- or follow Monica's suggestion above

but I suggest you consider the questions first and answer to yourself honestly

I hope that you can find a way forward that makes you feel better

Excellent post. Questions to yourself...

Do as you are done by and just send a text at Christmas. How do they communicate if they want you to eg childmind. Just do the same. You will still be communicating but as per their method. If there are any comments just tell them you thought that was their preferred method of keeping in touch.

I've actually completely forgotten my mother's 70th birthday. I had just given birth to my youngest child 4 days before and been told to rest as much as possible due to a small rupture. She wasn't happy though.
I think your family should have at least given you a card and flowers, chocolates or bubbly. Personally, I would just send cards for birthdays and Xmas in future. Also if you all go out just pay your share and split the bill.

It’s thoughtless and unkind to completely ignore a mother’s birthday, whether or not it’s a big birthday. A card costs so little, or just a homemade card, it’s so important. Your children knew it was a special birthday because you took them out for a meal. I presume you don’t take them out for a meal every birthday. Gifts are not so important but are appreciated because choosing a gift and giving it shows thought and care.
I gave gifts to my parents and grandparents from being a child and I took pleasure in the choosing and the giving of cards and gifts to the special people in my life. I brought my children up to do the same, choosing a little gift for Nana and Grandad and wrapping it themselves. It’s a cultural tradition in this country and in my family and probably most families. Did you encourage your children to develop this habit as children? Well even if you didn’t, they’re fully aware of the culture around birthdays and Christmas and Mother’s Day.

I would either take Monica’s advice, or I’d just give them a card. I’d still give the grandchildren a gift though.

Sandancer62

Jaxh I’d be very upset not to receive a present on my bday. I help my sons and their little families so much. I’m 61 and look after my grandchildren 4 days a week from 7.30 to 5 pm and I love it, no payment wanted. But I do expect a gift on my bday Easter & Christmas. I do send a list with a message saying! Just incase you want to buy this lovely mam nanna a gift here’s a list of things I’d appreciate. And if I didn’t receive a gift, I’d be phoning my sons for sure!

I’m not singling you out Sandancer but your post most reflected what I wanted to respond to.

I really can’t understand why anyone expects presents and is ready to challenge anyone who doesn’t give them one. Why is it so important? We both told all our family years ago not to bother buying us presents or cards as there was really nothing we needed and we preferred them to spend the money on themselves. Surely it’s the little things throughout the year which demonstrate appreciation or affection rather than material gifts? We (me and husband) don’t buy presents for each other either. The same principle applies.

If you are not expecting anyone to buy you a present you can’t be disappointed and you don’t have the cause or opportunity to compare and judge those gifts and feel resentment.

We still give birthday and Xmas gifts to the family (lots of them!) because we want to. A couple of our children and grandchildren still insist on buying us Xmas presents but they are modest and we accept that they have as much right to buy for us as we have to say ‘please don’t buy’.

Birthdays were always a big event growing up and then bringing up two children. Now they are grown, my daughter still likes to celebrate with cards, presents and going out. My son is committed to not consuming anything unnecessary so doesn’t send cards or gifts. He expects nothing in return. I still put a small amount of money in his bank account because I want to. I understand where my son is coming from and no longer feel disappointed but would be very hurt not to receive any anything from my daughter.
Is this normal behaviour from your daughter? If so, then either accept it and maybe just buy for the GC in future? For what it’s worth , I would feel the same if I received such treatment from my daughter 💐

Grannytomany
That’s fine if you and your family want to do that, but you needn’t be so pedantic to the OP just because your family do things differently than hers have done traditionally. She is hurt because her adult children ignored her 60th birthday, not even a card from them even though she took them out for a meal. Do you not understand that?

What I don’t understand Maddyone is why anybody sets such store on presents and in getting something in return for their kindness.

As the meal was so close to the OPs birthday perhaps the OP should have told her family that it was to celebrate her birthday (it isn’t clear from her post whether it was just a meal or a birthday meal). That way her family are much more likely to have been prompted to provide gifts.

I don’t think you understand what the word pedantic means.

How shameful of your children to be so callous of a milestone birthday. Not even pay for your dinner?‼️?

I would be hurt by this. Time to stop the gift giving. Send cards instead. If your children ask why… be truthful in what you said here.