Feel I’m just us for babysitting chores

Bernadette
I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. But as you yourself know: there’s only one person who can settle this, you.
There are 2 options, just phone/text/email your daughter and spit it out, or, cut back on the days you have your granddaughter.
I do understand the problem.

Do you enjoy having the baby ?
It’s just one day a week , lovely time to build a relationship with your granddaughter
If you fall out with your daughter you won’t see the baby , I know this sounds like they expect you to be a free minder , but so what , if it suits you , if it doesn’t suit you tell them to make other arrangements
Forget the in-laws , it’s never fair between grandparents

I would simply ask your daughter why she does all these things with the other grandma, but never with you?

I suspect it is because you have always done whatever your daughter wanted, looked after her every need. Every single action done out of love for her. the result is she takes you for granted and just expects you to wait on her hand and foot without any need of recompense.

Her husband, I would assume, has been brough tup in a home where people help each other, where he was not waited on hand and foot and he learnt to appreciate other people's actions and respond positively.

All you have got to do is go back to square 1 and bring your DD up without doing everything for her and without expecting a thank you or other sign of gratitude.

You have your grandchild because you want to be with her so don't stop that just to get at your daughter.

Tell your daughter how you feel, saying how good her husband is to his family and that you feel left out. Try to wait until you are calmer and without anger.

Is the other grandmother on her own?
Perhaps they just assumed you are fine because you still have your husband and you can do things together but perhaps other Granny is very lonely?

Have you invited them all over to you one day over Christmas - including your daughter's mother-in-law? It needn't be an elaborate meal, a buffet or something made in the slow cooker.

Don’t cut your nose to spite your face and deprive yourself of your gd unless you really really no longer wish to have her. I can understand your hurt. My dd has and does things with her in-laws more then she does with us. I pretend I’m not bothered and just put up with it. The situation arose during lockdown with my dh being vulnerable so we had less contact than the other younger grandparents. If there’s a problem worrying here dd will contact me for advice rather than the in-laws so I console myself with that. I certainly wouldn’t want to cut contact and accept what I have rather than estranging myself.

Her not here

Talk to your daughter about how you feel. When you’re in a calm mood, that is. Nothing gets sorted when emotions are running high, ime.

I’m not sure I’d bring it up with your daughter directly as that might cause issues for you both and things might get said that are later regretted but never quite forgotten.

Personally I wouldn’t want anyone to feel they had to invite me to places or buy me presents because they felt obliged to do so to stop me sulking and withdrawing child care. I’d rather that gifts and invitations be freely given or not at all.

As someone else has said, if the other granny is on her own your daughter and son in law might feel that they have to invest more time and effort with her whereas you are part of a couple and have each other for company and outings. It’s difficult to comment properly without knowing more about the circumstances.

It seems a bit extreme to withdraw the childminding because of jealousy (which is what it boils down to really) and makes me wonder whether you are looking after the child out of a feeling of obligation (matching the other granny) rather than because you want to and enjoy seeing the child.

I’m not dismissing your hurt because I can completely understand it but I don’t think forcing some kind of a showdown is going to help.

Instead, the next time you find out they’ve all been somewhere you’d have liked to go try saying something like ‘ You are lucky, I’d love to go there’ or ‘ I’ve always wanted to go there, what was it like?’ and see whether this helps the penny drop.

Why not invite them out or over to yours
It’s unusual because a daughter usually gravitates towards their own mum. What was your relationship like while she was growing up ?
It’s sad though isn’t it ? carry on having your granddaughter and try to break the ice with your daughter maybe she’s just waiting for an invite to yours

It could of been the other grandma who suggested a trip to London, she might have them round for tea, so they reciprocate?
Have you suggested you should all do something? Have them round for tea?

Comparing relationships never works. Never.

Things between different people are never the same or equal - because it's not possible. You raised your D as you raised her and other GM raised her son as she raised him - not the same or equal.

SonIL like to take his mum places and your daughter is not one to take you places - Different attitudes towards expensive holidays, trips to London. Perhaps you raised a practical daughter?

Perhaps ponder the practical side, rather than being jealous. They split child minding, which I'd assume actually matters to you? If you want to quit childminding do so, but do know that won't make you feel better.

Communication is key! I always say so.
Wait until you have calmed down though. Don’t be accusatory or spoiling for an argument. It’s no good festering about this internally.

There are some good points up thread to consider. I too immediately wondered if the other grandmother was on her own so her son likes to include her a bit more?. Perhaps think on that before you speak.

I think the green eyed monster is eating you. If you still feel unsettled about this in a few days’ time it’d do you good to have a chat with your daughter. Remember too - use ‘I’ as in ‘I feel sidelined and sad’ ... not ‘you’ as in ‘you make me feel left out’. That’s accusatory and will inflame any discussion.

Good luck!

And who knows Bernadette - your son-in-laws parents may have paid for the trip to London. Don’t beat yourself over it. One year I took my family to London and I paid for the trip . Hope you feel better once you know the details. I’m sure your daughter would love to spend time with you, just as her husband loves to spend time with his family. Chin up

If you want to quit childminding do so, but do know that won't make you feel better

This 👍

How big are your families? We always did far more with MrA's family for the simple reason I had a large family and my parents were surrounded with people and things to do. I'm sure they would have liked to see more of us but I doubt they really missed us much. We were always in touch, just went North more often than West. MrA only has one sister and two nieces who live near to his parents. They were very close but always over the moon to see MrA and GCs (me, not so much 😄)

Bernadette

To me there are separate considerations/issues here and your decisions shouldn't be made by linking those separate issues.

1. Babysitting your grandchild which you enjoy! It gives YOU pleasure
2.Not being appreciated/being taken for granted
3.Time spent with other grandmother etc

So here are some questions for you to consider maybe. The answers if honest might be helpful to you in deciding a way forward. No need to answer them on here unless you choose to though; more about you focusing your thinking and separating out the different areas for consideration

1. Why do you babysit your GC? Is it to
- help your daughter and SIL?
- to build a relationship with your GC?
- because you enjoy it?
- to be appreciated?

Probably a bit of all of those but then which is MOST important to you?

2.Before you babysitting, did your family/daughter share gifts, invite each other over etc?
- Was that normal family practice?
- Is the present scenario just a carry on with what was normal pre GC arrival?
- what did you do at XMAS pre GC?
- Who made the arrangements?
- Is present non arranging with you etc the same as previously?
- Have you changed your role in making those arrangements? if so, why?
- Did you used to do things together pre GC?
- Are you expecting something different now? If so why?
- Have things changed since you started babysitting?
- Did you do things together pre your daughter getting married?
- Are you doing anything directly to create opportunities to spend time together? Inviting over? Suggesting outings? Take out for a meal? Chat on telephone?
- Do you show appreciation of what if anything is done for you? A small gift etc as that is what you see as a way of showing appreciation and you feel is missing?
- Do you ever ask for help so you can demonstrate appreciation from your perspective?

3.Time spent with other grandmother etc
- Has it always been like that?
- If so did you mind it before you started babysitting?
- Have you built any relationship with your daughter's in laws? Would that help? (sometimes does; sometimes doesn't! only you can decide)
- Is the in-laws relationship with SIL/daughter actually relevant to your relationship with them?
- Was your family dynamic/relationships ever like the one they appear to have?
- What does your husband think of all this?
- Is he your daughters stepfather? - I
- Is there a link to this behaviour if her father is not on scene/history regarding relationships/step fathers arrival etc

I hope that these questions considered and answered truthfully might help you to see the wood for the trees and find a way forward that works for you.

Finally, you referred in your OP to "I am heartbroken and feel like cutting free and saying I am not having the granddaughter anymore". I truly hope that by that you did not mean breaking off relationships; that really would be cutting off your nose to spite your face and would be your loss!