I don’t want to see my son anymore

Well I can see OP hasn’t returned to comment on our suggestions, she clearly didn’t want our help/advice/support.

I doubt OP will return. We are all giving her the kind of advice she doesn't want to hear.

I think she was expecting us to sympathise and take her side

Op

You are in a very complex situation - past and current issues with your adult children, difficult relationship with your husband accepting the grandchildren, now his health and nursing home

You need professional help. This new post is a drop in the bucket

I would definitely not close the door on him. Just get on with living your own lives. I will be honest, I love our family but I would not want them on my doorstep all the time.

My late husband and I looked after my mum for 35 years when dad died young and it took over our lives as we were always at her beck and call. After my husband died I decided that I did not want our family having to always be taking me out or having to visit me like we did with my mother as it got to the stage I resented her for not even trying to get on with her life. When they visit me it is because they want to and not because they have to. If I don't see them for a few weeks, no problem, I know where they are if I did ever need them and to be honest, even though I am 81 years old, I like doing what I want when I want. I do not want anyone coming to visit or ringing me out of duty.

Just get on with your lives and stop bothering about your son and his wife.

*They are going to be away from the 23 to the 27 and I think this is unfair especially with my husband / his dad being in a nursing home this year
I feel I can’t reason with my son anymore, if I express an opinion he says I am rude to him
He is very authoritative and won’t accept that he might be wrong ever*

But he's not wrong in this case, you are. When you say 'reason with him' do you mean getting him to change his mind to do what you want?
If you don't like your DIL and blame her for all this why would they want to spend Christmas with you? The atmosphere must be horrible.

Don't cut your nose off..

It is sad that you feel this way Notjustaprettyface and that you don't find your Daughter in Law warm and inviting. Try a little tenderness to her and your Son and be warm and inviting to them. Yes I can understand that you feel hurt but you will feel even more hurt if you cut them and your grandchild out of your life. Is that what you really want in the long term a future without them. Please think carefully about your proposals and what it will mean for you all as a family. I do hope that you are able to resolve things and to move forward amicably.

Your son is grown, married, and has a child -- whilst you still wish to dictate his social life, day by day? Did I read that correctly?

I'm sorry he pulled out of his sister's birthday, however there may be valid reasons that you've not been told. I sincerely hope you didn't complain, that way is trouble, nobody wants their decisions questioned.

Christmas: many people go away over Christmas. Posters tell of of their family trips, or those coming to stay at theirs - some other family is typically 'left behind' for a few days.

I readily admit that our daughters live within a quarter mile, we see them almost daily, however I don't believe that is at all common - people do move house after university and marriage. People have lives.

Don't cut off your nose---

If he has a wife and a child then they are his immediate family now and are his main priority now.

This means you have now become extended family which is a hard pill to swallow but his extended family are not his main priority anymore, nor should they be.

I don't think this is about him being in the wrong but more about you having unrealistic expectations with regards to what he 'should' be doing or attending. He's a grown adult and has every right to make his own decisions - you shouldn't be trying to exert any level of control over him.

Extend an invite, if he declines (he's completely in his right to do this) then move on and enjoy your day without trying to tell him he's in the wrong or trying to guilt trip him. No adult is 'entitled' to another adult's time.

Ultimately by cutting him off, you're cutting off access to your grandchild as well (and cutting your nose off to spite your face)

Your son has grown into an independent man with his own family - that's something you should be proud of.

Rethink your expectations and focus on creating a lovely Christmas.

Your son probably knows that you dislike his wife, therefor I cannot see why they would visit you, his wife is more important to him than his mother, which is as it should be.

It is far better that people spend time with you out of love and not out of perceived duty. You cannot make someone want to be with you.

There are wives, and husbands , who deliberately set out to separate their spouse from their immediate family; I know two, possibly three, cases
Therefore all the more reason not to antagonise your son; give him no cause for complaint because you won't win over his wife if you provoke conflict.
Saying you won't see him because he is away for four days at Christmas is childish.

Christmas is such a ‘loaded’ time and all the issues between families seem to come to the fore.
I would try not to feel hurt but work on just accepting things as they are. I definitely wouldn’t end your relationship with your son over this.
I doubt many people are having the ‘perfect’ Christmas but rather compromising and often being in situations they don’t necessarily like or want to be in, but it’s only a few days.
Try to focus on the good parts in the people around you and the resentment and hurt will perhaps soften.

What a shame you are letting your disappointment (which isn’t valid ) completely spoil your relationship
Of course they may want to go away at Christmas why shouldn’t they? You chose to have a row with him because he was not going to be with you at Christmas that’s really disappointing for him to think you are making a big fuss over a normal procedure He’s no longer your little child he’s a fully grown man with a wife and wants a Christmas away from your home
Presumably this is why he didn’t come to see his sister for her birthday that’s a shame for them as siblings but he obviously felt annoyed enough to give it a miss and not want to get into a row with you
If you stop communication with them that’s your choice but you ll have no one to blame except yourself when you don’t have a relationship with your grandchild
You need to bite your tongue put a smile on your face and except he’s with the woman he loves otherwise you ll end up very lonely and full of angst and disappointment

I am bemused at your post. Why is there a problem that your adult married son who has a wife and a child has plans for his family Christmas? He's entitled to a life of his own.

Both my sons and grandchildren are spending Christmas day with their MIL's family and it doesn't bother me at all. I will see them both at some point over the holiday [probably very briefly in one case]. In any case if anyone is unwell we wouldn't be meeting up anyway...lots a really bad colds/coughs going around here]. It's called life and we adjust [if our expectations aren't too high of course].

One of the MIL's is pushy and needy but it does not go down well at all and is seen out of duty [not what I would want]. She lives on her own as I do, neither of us has a partner... but we are so different. My sons owe me nothing. They are attentive and caring when they have less family/job demands and that's fine by me.

OP has a daughter and a husband and whilst I am sorry about the situation I think she should enjoy their company throughout the Christmas break and value them and their company. Sounds like temper is taking over from being rational. This attitude can only make things worse.

I am sorry you are feeling upset about this, but on the one hand you are saying that you are disappointed that you will not see him over Christmas and on the other that you don't want to see him anymore!

You are feeling upset and cross at the moment and it is a very bad time to make any major decisions that will have long term ramifications - and negative ones for everyone.

Stand back and take a deep breath before you communicate with him at all. You do not want to do something you might regret, and dealing with it when your emotions are high could lead you down that road.

We have to accept the partners that our AC choose - there is no choice. Unless we know that an AC is being seriously abused (when of course we might step in) we just have to bite the bullet, be charming and play the long game - what is your wish for the future, given that your son has made his choice of partner and you cannot change that? Do you want to be estranged from him and never see or hear from him? Or do you want to find a way of rubbing along with his partner for the sake of family unity?

It is your choice to make, but you need to stand back and think hard about what the results of your decisions might be.

Redhead56

There is a familiar feeling in your words you feel left out a lot of parents feel like this when their son or daughter meet partners. I did I felt side lined but learnt to live with it that’s what you have to do.
Your son has made his choice accept it otherwise you will be an estranged parent I could not imagine anything in life worse than that. Don’t voice your opinion it will be a big mistake you will regret the rest of your life.
In the mean time concentrate on your life close family or friends hobbies etc. Look forward to the times when you will see your son and his family life is too short for grudges.

Good comments, I agree completely.

Well if you do stop speaking to him it sounds like you'll have one happy DIL.. is it really worth it.. maybe drop all the expectations of how you think they should behave and settle for seeing them occasionally and being nice to your DIL..

Sad though this is for you, I think you should be careful not to do or say anything which you might regret. We have to accept that our adult children do what they want to do and it isn't always what we would like them to do.
Just be happy when you do see them, put on a happy face even though you are maybe sad inside. We all have to do this at times. They are more likely to want to spend time with you then.

Cornergran has summed it up well. You have to accept that you cannot demand your son and his family do as you want. Of course he has changed since he got married, I expect he changed more when he became a parent, we all do, it would be weird if we didn't. I love to see my AC and GC whenever it's possible and it's nowhere near as much as I'd like but that's how it is. Would I put pressure on them for more visits, blame his wife, sulk because they can't come for Christmas? No, never because I respect that they are adults and they make their own choices. Try and find a way to turn your relationship round, fun and affection matters so much and , I may be wrong, but it sounds like there's not much of that between you at the moment.

I can see you have a lot going on with your husband but I also see you say ‘the latest row’. I think you have made the mistake of thinking things carry on the same when a son marries. Maybe your DIL avoids you because she can’t face another row and is cool because she doesn’t know what you will do next. Two weeks before Christmas maybe there was something your son just had to do if he is working in the week. I think your best bet is to let Christmas go, see your husband or other family and then in the New Year let things settle and hopefully they will please don’t cut him off you will regret it

What an over-reaction you are suggesting! Leave suggestions about Christmas to your children rather than imposing something on them; once you know what they have planned you can work around it. Is it really worth losing your son and grandchild over?

There is a familiar feeling in your words you feel left out a lot of parents feel like this when their son or daughter meet partners. I did I felt side lined but learnt to live with it that’s what you have to do.
Your son has made his choice accept it otherwise you will be an estranged parent I could not imagine anything in life worse than that. Don’t voice your opinion it will be a big mistake you will regret the rest of your life.
In the mean time concentrate on your life close family or friends hobbies etc. Look forward to the times when you will see your son and his family life is too short for grudges.

Spot on, silverlining. I really don’t understand why a parent would say it’s unfair that one of their children and his family are going away for Christmas - and that they don’t want to see said child any more. Petty in the extreme.

Love not live! Memo to me, check before pressing post!!

I wouldn’t say anything, I’m afraid it’d only make matters worse. I’d try to act normally and hope that eventually relationships will improve.

But I have every sympathy, OP, since I know of 2 families which used to be very close until the son married, but the DiL has seemed determined from the outset to dislike (or even hate) her husband’s family, and to have nothing to do with them. And sadly, the son is now apparently completely under his wife’s thumb, either because he’s weak, or else he complies with everything for the sake of a quiet life.

Both sets of parents are absolutely not the types that would ever have been offensive or over demanding. They have simply been unlucky enough to be landed with a DiL from hell - and believe me, I do not use those words lightly.

Notjustaprettyface

I feel really sad reading your post. You do my empathy though as one’s adult children can be, at times, spiteful, entitled and selfish! I don’t think this is always deliberate though and maybe some distance between you both will serve to give you some space and time to think.

I do hope you manage to repair your relationship, but please remember we don’t have to live someone or want them in our lives just because we are related!

But you do have a grandchild from him and his wife and it would be very sad to lose him too. When you’re feeling slightly less upset and despairing would you consider send him a letter/email/message just stating how you feel and about your husband and other family members? Please, please don’t do anything too hasty.

I wish you and your husband the very best, let us all know how it all works out, sometimes the pressures of Christmas being out the very worst in us all. Good luck x