Son taking fiancés surname when married

Catherine28

Our son getting married next year, has decided to take his fiancés surname when married. She’s an only child and wants to keep her surname going for future generations. We feel very hurt and upset by this. Is this normal?

I surely hope you are posting here and not saying a word to your son? Over 5 marriages (1 Sil died) our 4 daughters have kept their name 3 times.

We'd never consider a complaint in any case - that way is estrangement by disregarding their adult decision making.

Depends what YOUR surname is I suppose. About 15 years ago, a lady i knew, her fiance asked her father if he could take their family name as his family name wasn't pleasant. I'm the youngest of 4 girl's and only one not married, my cousins, (on dad's side) 1 female married, 1 female never has and the 3rd, a son, has no intention and is 50+ so on dad's side, surname ends with us has beens! On mum's side, was 2 girls, both married so my granddads name was given up,.yet my sister did a family tree and tracked back origins and distant relations to late 1800's due to his surname,.Grandad died January 1989, he lived the last few years with us and to this day I can remember him, HE NEVER shouted at us, he wasn't mean, we used to make dens with blankets and the fireguard under his table when we went to visit him. However, my other granddad, I can honestly say was a miserable old fart! At his funeral my uncle droned on about this wonderful man etc, really went on, we were all looking at each other wondering if we were at the wrong funeral, we even asked dad, he said the same, the chap his brother was going on about was NOT the man my dad knew and there were 5 years between them, my grandma must have been a saint to put up with him, she was lovely, taught me to cook, proper basic food,.not fancy stuff! Old school she was,.used to explain how her mum would boil a cow's brain, cut it in half, scoop out all tubes,.then stuff and roast it. Sunday dinner when return from church!

Any how, I've gone off kilter, do apologise.

Will your surname die out? If you are genuinely concerned speak to your son and tell him your concerns.

When DD2 had her children they took their father’s name. I’d have preferred a double barrelled surname but wasn’t particularly fussed. My DH would have liked this though. I could imagine trouble down the line if you had 2 persons with double barrelled names who also wanted to do the same. Then you’d have a surname containing 4 names. 😂

Blimey, I meant I would be suprised

I would not be surprised and not happy

I

I understand that you are hurt. It's a tradition and it can be hard to break with such - I am sorry that so few people on this thread seem to understand. I have always thought that taking my husband's name was a great gift and compliment to him, and that if I had not done so it would have felt I was with-holding something that so many men feel is precious. However, your son does not appear to feel that way (or are you afraid that he does feel that way yet will not say?). What is it exactly that has upset you? I guess if you and your husband had hoped he would keep the family name going, that could be hard for you. It's okay to feel upset but not to take it out on your son and his fiancee because that would spoil your relationship and hurt them. The most important thing is that they are happy together and you and your husband are lovingly included in their lives. And the priority surely is not to spoil that.

As well as feeling hurt and upset, maybe you can also feel proud and delighted that you’ve raised a thoughtful son who obviously cares for his partner and isn’t afraid to think outside the box

Would you be asking that question if it was a daughter changing her name, not a son? Can't see the problem apart from a minor deviation from tradition.

If he’s your only child I would be hurt for not wanting to take your name into the future. I myself have my birth and marriage name even though I’m divorced now lol but our sons have their dads name and also got one getting married next year. I’m assuming he’s not talking her name because he’s not mentioned anything about it . You could say you say to your son you could have both surnames each then everyone is happy. But end of day it’s their choice you just have to be happy for them and hopefully they have a long marriage otherwise if they don’t last I’m sure he would go back to his birth name

Always makes me think of the chavvy Battersby-Browns in Coronation Street ,thought being double barrelled gave them "class2...lol

Catherine28

Our son getting married next year, has decided to take his fiancés surname when married. She’s an only child and wants to keep her surname going for future generations. We feel very hurt and upset by this. Is this normal?

It may not be normal, but in the Victorian era fathers who only had daughters did sometimes make it a condition that the son-in-law took his wife's surname to keep it for posterity.

I really think you have no reason to feel hurt, after all the surname you wish your son to preserve is presumably your husband's family name, not yours.

If you and your husband cannot accept that your son is an adult and has made a decision that he presumably thought about carefully, you could suggest the option, already suggested. that they use both surnames.

To me this gives very clumsy names in nine cases out of ten and very long names if any children they may have are to have two given names and two surnames!

I think double barrel surnames sound pretentious. We’re going to end up with future generations having 4, 6 and 8 surnames!

When we married in 1980, we were informed that it was really expensive and complicated for me to keep my own surname, so reluctantly I changed to DHs surname. When DH asked what I would like to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in 2000, I replied that I would love to have my name back! In the end the two of us plus our two DDs all changed our names to hyphenate mine-his surname. When DD1 married in 2017, we were delighted that her new husband was going to change his name by legal deed to our hyphenated surname. His old surname is now one of his forenames. Now our two gorgeous GDDs share our name too. It may not be the norm, but we are so pleased we share both of our surnames.

Their choice. Get over it.

I often wonder why so many sports people nowadays have double-barrel names? Is it fashion/cultural? Some of them are real mouthfuls - Johnson-Thompson for instance. 😎

Does it matter, our daughter kept her name when she married, she did not take her husbands surname although their son has

Whilst you might have felt upset or hurt when they first told you, I hope that you have not let it affect the way you behave. I think it shows a kind thought and attitude of care between them to want to keep this surname going for a reason. Whatever they choose to do it is their decision and their lives. If you tell them you are upset or annoyed about it you are only putting a divide between yourselves from the beginning, which is not a good idea. You will no doubt be using their first names most of the time and following their wishes when addressing letters or whatever is not going to cost you much effort. It is much more important to know that they are already deciding how they want to live together and thinking of each others needs or wishes. Be glad in part that you have brought up a lovely young man who is intending to start as he means to go on and that they will work out their own way of life as they marry. I think you will really regret it if you allow this to colour the way you act or behave towards them. Remember " A rose by any other name would smell as sweet"

By the time I was 8 I’d had 3 different surnames so it isn’t something I would get upset about. It’s just a name, it doesn’t make them different people. If it were my son, I wouldn’t want him to be put in a position where he felt torn between his wife to be and his parents so I wouldn’t say I was upset about it either.

We have 2 dds and our surname will die when we die. Doesn’t bother us but when my dd married in her mid 30 s she decided to keep the family name.
Her fil made it plain he wasn’t happy, even though he has 3 sons.
She asked her 39 year old husband if he would like to change his name to hers he said no thanks, so they remain as they were. Hope her fil has got over it.

My DS and DIL have two sons, the eldest has my DS's surname and the youngest my DIL 's surname. Although she has two older sisters, one is now late 40s and unmarried and the other has decided not to have children. It is a way of perpetuating her surname. It doesn't bother me at all

Katie59

Not uncommon in aristocratic families when woman is a heiress, officially it’s a double barrelled name like Brown-Jones and the Brown gets dropped in everyday use.
At the end of the day you can call yourself whatever you want

We had a friend when we were young who had 6 surnames. It used to happen when a man married an heiress with a large estate to keep her name going.

I took my husband’s name because it was marginally nicer than my maiden name. Should I ever get divorced I would change my name to my mother’s maiden name, which I really like

My son took his wife’s name alongside his own on marriage. It makes a rather long one but they are happy.

I didn't change my surname on marriage and that was 1972 so I don't buy the "that was how it was in those days" argument.