Husband Sleeping Late

Hi, I’m quite happy getting up when I need to. Sometimes 07.00 and somethings (bliss!) nearer midday.

And surely if your husband would like a wake up call when needed, why can’t you do it? Or at least try it once or twice, and if it doesn’t work, then don’t do it again!

I do appreciate that I’m very lucky to be able to sleep in when I want to. After years of ghastly shift and weekend work, it’s a joy.

Hope your opposing sleep patterns don’t cause too much of a rift! 🌷

My DH has got into strange sleeping habits too. He has always been a night owl but over the last couple of years he goes to bed very late, sometimes 4am and of course spends the next 8 hours asleep, usually getting up anytime between 10.30 and 1pm, unless he has an appointment.

I use to worry a lot about this as his eating habits also coincided with his sleeping timetable and to me it seemed he only eat one meal a day, our evening meal. Then I discovered things were going missing from the fridge and realised that my DH was eating but when I was in bed. I'm a lark always in bed by 11pm and up at 6am.

So realising he was not starving, I relaxed and treated the situation as if he was on the night shift. Now I make sure there are plenty of snacks and food in the fridge and I go swimming every morning unless otherwise busy.

By the time I get back my DH has usual got up and his day begins., which we share.

I quite like this situation, or have got use to it. There is time for me to do what I want without explanation and as long as this doesn't get worse I can live with it.

Unfortunately I have had this for the past 24 years, My husband is 84 I am 68, it has destroyed any marriage we have as far as I am concerned we are married in name only. His time of getting up is 1/2 pm, I am up every morning by 7am just because I want to not because I have to, it got ridiculous creeping around the bedroom just because he couldn't be bothered to get out of bed. So we have had separate bedrooms for the past 20 years, the only time I go into his bedroom is to clean it, he is never in mine because I do not want him in there. It really pisses me off with him, he may say to me I need the doctor, dentist or what ever, but he will not want an appointment for the morning always in the afternoon. When I get out of bed I go downstairs, I do the housework, washing ironing what ever, go out to do shopping and I am usually back just as he is getting out of his shit pit. I really hate and despise him for it. BUT I now lead my own life, I have my own friends, I never go to family with him because if he cant be bothered getting out of bed then I can't be bothered waking him. I have stopped going on holiday with him, even on holidays it was 1pm, so as far as I am concerned fuck him, I now go on holiday with friends

If he's up earlier, he might sleep better at night?

Either get on with your day or get up when he does, why does it have to be your way and not his?

He has asked you to wake him so do so!

Getting up earlier might help him to sleep better at night too.

I am puzzled by these fidgety legs so many on Gransnet talk about - it strikes me as a British phenomenon, as I don't know anyone here who suffers from it. Are you sure your husband is drinking sufficient fluids during the day?

Much the same with us Sheila11 my husband does the afternoon and evening dog walks. We share time and activities together during the day and evening. We are very happy with our lives as they are. Each to their own I say.

I just let my husband sleep naturally unless he has an appointment. He needs at least 3 hours more sleep than me. If he is asleep I do things he is not interested in. We have a roughly agreed time for our evening meal which I enjoy making. Any other food he mostly helps himself. Retirement should be about pleasing yourself.

My Dad used to squeeze a cold flannel over me as teenager if I wouldn’t get up 😳

Maybe worth a try with husbands too 😉

My husband sleeps until about 10. I’m up and out with the dogs at 7 ish.
He’s worked hard all his life to support his family, and none of this working from home lark either. Up at 6 out by 6.30, home at 7, for years!
We do have separate bedrooms, his is quite dark with a TV, , mine is all pastels and calm, and I read a lot, no TV.
We have different needs/likes. We accept each others ‘differences’. It’s not always easy, but I feel that at our stage of life we should be able to do a bit of what we want to do without feeling guilty about it. I’m 72 this year and he is 70.
My sister complains that he doesn’t make me happy, but I think we have to make ourselves happy. I see many lonely people my age and I feel lucky that I have someone else my age in the house. We do share lots of things.

Yes, and it's being caused by sleep apnea. He has a machine, but won't use it...

I wake my Dh at 9 every day.
He would sleep til midday if I let him.
He might have an afternoon doze and that’s fine, but he needs to get up to start the day.😉

He's told you to wake him, so WAKE HIM! See how you both go with that for a week or two and if he's okay, then happy days!

I would gently suggest a medical check up. Or could he be depressed?
Try a wake up light.

HelterSkelter1

Restless legs may be disturbing his sleep. Could be a sign of something else? What checks has he had?

It is winter and we all sleep a bit longer well at least a lot of people do. So maybe he will pick himself up come spring time.

But you do what you want to do dont wait for him. Dont hang about to do breakfast...launch straight into lunch for both of you. He can miss brekker otherwise you really are out of synch.

Get out for a walk when its sunny. Treat it at the moment like a phase he is going through so dont let it stress you out. Write down how you feel and how it is today and then revisit your note in 3 months time. Hopefully there will have been a change if not then he needs to talk to the GP again.

But you get on and do stuff yourself or with a friend. Chin up.

FWIW, my husband has ever-worsening Restless Legs Syndrome. His is definitely genetic. Whatever the reason for most sufferers, the evenings and nights are the worst times. My husband often gets up very late, but I’d much rather he did so rather than get up too early (for him) and be tired and even more twitchy. I just get on with whatever else I get on with. All the best.

This morning I slept (not by any means for the first time) until 9.30, having (as usual) been awake a lot in the night, trying to get back to sleep, and reading my Kindle when I couldn’t.
I did wake just before 6, but it was too early to get up at this time of year and put the heating on.

Dh never tries to wake or ‘organise’ me into a different schedule, and TBH I’d find it very bossy and intrusive if he did.

If I have to get up early for anything, I set the alarm, but if there’s no need, I don’t see the point.

Whether I have a nap in the afternoon or not, or go to bed earlier or later, makes not the slightest difference.

Nanaplenty, you could tackle this in one of two ways:

Leave him to his own devices and get on with your own daily activities - go shopping, meet friends for a cuppa, have a day out somewhere......theres loads of opportunity.

OR you could:

Reschedule his life......up by 7.30am (ish), shower - shave - breakfast, get involved with the running of the home (cleaning and laundry is not just women's work), do the shopping, do the gardening, get some exercise, join you on a day out etc............all of these might potentially help him sleep better, would certainly improve his mental health anyway.

When I first retired |(aged 70), one of my main delights was not having to use an alarm clock. My natural rhythm meant that I woke each morning, quite naturally, between 7.30 and 8.00 am

Lasted like that for the next decade, but over the past couple of years I have to put the alarm on every day, as if I did not I would be sleeping to well past nine or even later - and that is with having afternoon sleep time. Have to accept that many of us need more sleep as we age.

Elegran

I would treat it as a training exercise, rather than a regular responsibility that you are taking on for ever. Agree a reasonable time for him to be up an about, and at that time, stick your head round the bedroom door and say loudly "I am putting on your porridge NOW" He sounds quite happy for you to wake him, so he shouldn't (?) be grumpy when you do, but if he hasn't appeared by the time the porridge (or whatever his choice is) is out on the plate, go back and tell him it is ready. If he still doesn't appear in a few minutes, return to say that it is uneatable and you have thrown it out.

After a week or two of this, his stomach should be reminding him that this is time to eat. It may be sooner, it may take longer.

I’d let him get his own porridge! Or whatever he has for breakfast.
My dh gets his own breakfast and lunch - we are often up at different times and I never want anything to eat first thing.

The only meal we eat together is dinner, which I do cook.

I like this

NanaPlenty I have just re-read your op and realised you said this:
'My husband seems to be sleeping more and more. He’s 72 and has been retired some time. He’s had plenty of health checks and I appreciate he doesnt always sleep well….fidgety legs being one reason.'

Regardless of the plentiful health checks, if the restless legs and change in sleeping patterns are new, I would get him to go to the doctor for those specific things.

You are both retired so unless there is something specific for him to get up for why does it matter? Perhaps he's a night owl and is slow to get going in the morning, if he's had a lifetime of getting up early for work surely he has the right to stay in bed as long as he wants now? My DP tends to be later and slower to get up and about than me, but like your DH he can do it if he actually needs to get up for something. Usually I am up first, and take him a cup of tea up around 9am but if he chooses to go back to sleep that's up to him.

Meanwhile, there is nothing to stop you getting on with your own life and activities, is there? If you want to go out you could just leave him a note.

Sorry but I just don't see what the problem is with sleeping late if you've not made any plans to be anywhere early that day. If you have mutually agreed plans, do as he suggests and wake him at an appropriate time. If not, leave him where he is and go ahead with your own day as you want.

I am a lark and my husband is an owl.If we have plans to go out DH will get up and ready on time but if no plans I leave him to sleep.I would not want him to make me stay up late at night so not really fair for me to drag him out of bed in the morning.I enjoy the few hours of quiet in the morning having a leisurely breakfast and doing my own thing.There are still plenty of hours of the day to enjoy together.
Try to enjoy the few hours you have while he is still sleeping.

Perhaps consider doing your walking, exercise, and dressing before he wakes? As our children say 'you do you, I'll do me'.

Is there a real problem, or just you want your own way?

I often want my way, I understand wanting my way though I can't always win my way. It's called being in a give/take adult relationship.