Problems with my adult son part 2

You were invited, as a guest, to celebrate your granddaughter’s birthday.

You proceeded to make it about your feelings.

This wasn’t, and should never have been about you.

Quit trying to control your son and his relationships. He’s a grown adult. Respect his boundaries or find yourself in a worse situation than before. It’s been what, a month? maybe? since the previous situation, and you’re already back to trampling his boundaries and trying to make him obey you, to put what you want ahead of himself and his family.

Stop it.

Summerlove

I think you should have minded your own business.

I think you should apologize to your son for getting in the middle of his relationship with his sister

If you want a day out with all four of your grandchildren it’s up to you to arrange it

And given the situation I would
Suggest she try to arrange it either. She may need to just give up on the all four together for now

I think you should have minded your own business.

I think you should apologize to your son for getting in the middle of his relationship with his sister

If you want a day out with all four of your grandchildren it’s up to you to arrange it

Rare that everyone agrees on here
You need to be completely neutral and see each family separately it’s the only way

Try putting yourself in their place. You have a friend you have fallen out with terminally so you do not ever want to be in her company again, but another friend of yours is convinced that it is all a storm in a teacup and you should just get together and sort your problmes out, so she keeps trying to engineer opportunities for you and your ex-friend to be together and share meals, no matter what you say to her.

What will you eventually do? What would normally happen is that after a while you would have 2 ex-friends because one will not accept that the friendship is over.

This is your situation. Your children do not want to see each other and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it
So just accept the situation and see them both, but separately.

If you don't you will end up estranged from both children and complaining on GN that you do not know why your children have estranged you.

Go to the zoo celebrate the child whose birthday it is .Your son and daughter are adults let them get on with it .I have sisters i have nothing to do with ,its hurtful but you have to get on with your life and let them get on with theirs.

You have ruined it for yourself. The invitation was to you not your daughter, by telling your son you made him angry.
Not everything is a drama, stop creating it and enjoy your time with your son.

OP you need to take a step back.You have no control over how others behave and stop talking about them to them.

I have 3 adult children and keep out of their personal lives,I never give advice ,unless asked.

My children and their families are all holidaying together in March,I will be pet sitting.They are capable of arranging all this without me needing to intervene at all.

Stop interfering is my advice.

I think the OP is being wound up by her daughter. She actually says in her post that she "stands with her daughter on this". Stands with her daughter on what exactly. The assertion that she can gatecrash her niece's birthday trip so she can keep "3 young kids happy on a January afternoon." It's not her place to dictate.

The daughter sounds selfish and manipulative. She is obviously jealous of her brother and doesn't give a fig if her mother falls out with him. I suspect she'd actually be rather gleeful.

Is there much inheritance at stake here?

The poster thinks everything is about her and hasn’t learned. I feel sorry for both her AC asa she has obviously no respect for them. My AC are not particularly close so I avoid asking them together unless it is unavoidable. Much better that way and I am not taking sides.

Oh dear. It seems that despite the Christmas incident you’ve gone and been granted a lovely olive branch from Your son and daughter - an invitation to the zoo to celebrate grandchild’s birthday, and turned it into a row with both your children. If it weren’t so sad I’d say that’s quite a talent! Why on earth would you try to invite the daughter and her children to someone else’s event? Especially someone you know they don’t get on with? It was incredibly rude and insensitive. You need to accept that when it comes to their relationship you simply aren’t part of it - and your wants “to see all four grandchildren together “ simply aren’t of importance. By putting yourself in the middle of your ac disagreements you make yourself out as part of the problem and are risking a relationship with both children. Stop doing that ! See them seperatley and let them have at it - and whatever you do you must stop referencing how their father wouldn’t have liked that , or wouldn’t have allowed such etc. it can be seen as using their deceased fathers memory in an attempt at guilting them into behaving the way you want and will surely backfire on you.

If it were me, I’d go and enjoy it for the little grand daughter. It’s her birthday after all. The day should be about her not everybody else.

Just a thought, maybe your son finds your daughter’s children a but of a handful and wants his little girls birthday to be special. What’s wrong with that. Be grateful to have been asked. Don’t mention your daughter and children on the day and spoil it for your son and his daughter !

Excellent post V3ra.

Your daughter wasn’t invited and the situation seems to have arises because boundaries aren’t respected.

Go to the zoo and enjoy your GC birthday and forget about the stuff with your daughter. She’s an adult and presumably with a pass can go to the zoo whoever she wants too?

My son has said a firm no to this request and my daughter knows this although he hasn’t had the courage to tell her to her face.

Good for him. And he has no need to tell your daughter to her face as she wasn't invited.
Who told her about it anyway... ?

I stand with my daughter on this as I would have loved to go out with all 4 grandchildren

Do you think the other grandparents would want someone else's three grandchildren gate-crashing their grandchild's birthday outing?

I am going to the zoo on Saturday but it will be tense as I really don’t agree with what he’s done

If you're going to go with that attitude and cause an atmosphere, you are going to spoil the birthday treat for your grandchild, her parents and her other grandparents.
Are you really that inconsiderate and selfish?

So I have told my son how I feel and this has triggered another row and him saying a lot of hurtful things to me and being mildly threatening regarding me seeing them inc the gc

Listen to your son. You're in the wrong. You've been warned.

Notjustaprettyface I'm not unsympathetic to your situation. Two of my children don't get on and I used to try and "help." It just got me caught in the crossfire as well.
Reading previous threads on here made me realise that they are adults and responsible for their own relationship, or lack of it.

Notjustaprettyface

Hello dragonfly 46
Thanks for your reply
But what do I do about inviting them together for a Sunday lunch. ,which I like to do ?
What if my daughter says she doesn’t want to come ?

Go ahead with the meal without your daughter...her choice not to come, not yours ....that is what I would do in those circumstances

Your son and daughter are 2 grown adults. They are no longer children who have to play together nicely; they're 2 completely separate individuals who have grown to have their own personalities, their own belief systems and their own lives which may, or may not be compatible with each other. If they do; that's lovely for everyone, especially you. But if they don't, which is often the case, that's just the way it is. Just because they're related doesn't mean that they have to enjoy each other's company. If you keep forcing them together, you're running the risk of both of them getting fed up with you keep trying to "fix things". Leave them alone to be the individuals they are. Enjoy the company of whichever one you're with but for goodness sake, listen to what your son is telling you and stop trying to engineer a relationship with his sister where none exists.

Knowing that they don’t get on you deliberately stirred things up by trying to get your daughter and three children invited when they didn’t need to know anything about the day out. Your son asked you to his child’s birthday not the other three who would have dominated the day. Please just turn up, smile, and enjoy the fact you were invited. Go to the zoo with your daughter sometime if that is what you both want to do.
Once AC are parents it is often true that they see less of each other and less of you. Sunday lunch is lovely but quite often their only day off together.

I'm sorry but having read about the previous problems and now this just makes me think one thing - you're the problem. Stop trying to constantly bring them together - they don't want to be so respect their wishes.

And stop talking to each of them about the other,

Your son and daughter have fallen out. Leave them to it and stop acting as a go-between or you will end up with neither of them. Just enjoy each separately when you are given the opportunity and stop trying to push them together.

March

'My daughter so my sons sister would have liked to come as she has a free pass for that zoo and 3 young kids to keep happy on a January afternoon'

So she can go whenever she likes.

It also doesn't need to be 'tense' if you're going to go and cause an atmosphere on your grandchild's birthday, don't go.

So how did your daughter know about the trip? Your son had asked for your company but obviously wouldn’t have asked his sister. There was no need for her to know.

Nail on the head, Hithere

And as Germanshepherdsmum posted we will soon get part 3

Op

You are lucky your son and dil gave you another chance after the Christmas incident.

Yet, you refuse to learn and keep making it about yourself

One day your son and dil will refuse to deal with you and you will wonder why.

You have a difficult personality- deal with it and it will all improve

I do hope you'll take on board the responses you've had Notjustaprettyface because it would be awful if you were to jeopardise your relationship with your son, d.i.l. and their children.