Sister- what would you do, if anything?

jenpax I really don't know what contact he has with his older siblings. As far as I am aware he has never visited them on his own. They are quite a bit older than him. My feeling is they would encourage him to leave but I'm only guessing.
Thankyou Aldom- my question came from genuine concern as he approaches 18.
I do understand that on a forum like this misunderstanding take place and judgements made merely on the words put in a post. There is far more to the story than this but I'm not prepared to go any further.
I appreciate all the genuine messages and will ignore the not so friendly ones.
The truth is we are all judgemental to a degree, aren't we? Sometimes we have to have a sounding board to test whether those judgements are correct or not.
Thank everyone because I am now much clearer about what I should do.

grandtanteJE65

Apart from encouraging your nephew to leave home as soon as he is 18, there is not much you can do.

Does he work, or is he going to university as soon as he can?

If the latter, encourage him to apply for a university anywhere on earth except in his home town and help him find suitable accomadation whereever he is accepted.

Leaving home and finding an affordable place to live at 18 is massively harder now than it was a few decades ago - in the U.K., anyway.

Do you know if his older siblings are in contact with him directly? If they live further away would an invite to stay with them for part of a college holiday be an option for him? It would be a chance to spend time in other company and to see what life independently could look like and his mother could hardly object

It's interesting isn't it, how differently people interpreted keepingquiet's post. I do not read it as judgemental.
As far as I can see, OP is concerned about the well being of her nephew. OP was simply seeking advice. I think the young man is very fortunate to have such a caring aunt.

He's still very young. There are a lot of years between 17 and 40.
Please don't worry that he is turning into an unhappy recluse - at least not yet.
Speak to him and his mother by all means but be kind to them.
Your post does come across as rather judgmental.

Perhaps college might be a turning point.
Lets hope so.

If you read my posts you will see that he doesn't work, and will be going to Uni through college in his home town. This course takes six years I think. He won't be leaving home, my sister is determined that isn't going to happen, but no one knows what lies around the corner do they?

Apart from encouraging your nephew to leave home as soon as he is 18, there is not much you can do.

Does he work, or is he going to university as soon as he can?

If the latter, encourage him to apply for a university anywhere on earth except in his home town and help him find suitable accomadation whereever he is accepted.

GrannySomerset

Question: why does Glorianny always take the contrary view and deliberately misconstrue what the OP has written? Answers on one side of the paper only.

I don't I do read subtext quite well. Some people take everything at face value. Read between the lines. The story you are being told is the one the OP wants to tell you The real story is often in the small things like "dropped out of uni" "have low paid jobs". Most youngsters now in low paid jobs can't afford to be independent, but maybe that's why their mother goes to see them rather than them travel home. But who gets blamed for this?- the sister of course. Family problems are seldom the fault of one person although sometimes one person will get all the blame

Question: why does Glorianny always take the contrary view and deliberately misconstrue what the OP has written? Answers on one side of the paper only.

Pssssst!
You're in the wrong place then.

I missed my children terribly when they left home but knew it was inevitable. Your sister is being totally unfair on her lad and putting pressure on him which is so wrong at that age. I know someone who has done exactly the same to her son, age 40, who is an incompetent, weak man now. Maybe if she had loosened the apron strings he would be different. You can't really interfere too much but do try to encourage the young man in whatever interests him and encourage him to pursue those interests.

I think it is your attitude that is becoming apparent but I didn't come here to fall out with anyone or be judged on the content of my character.

keepingquiet

Wow- what an imagination you have Glorianny!
You seem to have jumped to a lot of judgements and conclusions about my wider family dynamic.
At first I felt reassured that some people have given me considered and intelligent answers but then I get this!
You seem to assume that myself and other family members want to exert some control over my nephew's life when nothing could be further from the truth.
You also assume that my family are some how gutted that we no longer see other members of my sister's family, which could not be further from the truth.
You seem to think my sister is in regular touch with her other children, which is not true, unless Christmas and birthdays count, and she has to go and see them.
I am glad you feel sympathy for my sister without knowing the first thing about her. I love her very much and she doesn't need sympathy from anyone, being perfectly able to manage her own affairs thankyou.
Why is my 'subtext' worrying, and what does she have to protect my nephew from exactly? Normal family interactions it would seem.
I will have gentle words with my sister, and I will attempt to communicate with my nephew regarding his future plans, and I will encourage him to have some confidence in himself and not have his mother speak for him all the time (she does this to other people too, even me, which is very annoying) and I will try to find out a little more about his interests and hobbies- why? because my aunties and uncles did that for me. He still wants to come to family occasions because he knows how much we care about him.

I think you should leave your sister alone to bring up her children as she thinks fit.
I think your real attitude to your sister is now becoming apparent.
She sees her children you don't.
I think she needs to protect her son from anyone who says things like "they went to Uni but didn't finish and have low paid jobs" . and "we feel he will soon join his siblings and never come home" Especially when they are challenged about that and then say it doesn't matter.

Wow- what an imagination you have Glorianny!
You seem to have jumped to a lot of judgements and conclusions about my wider family dynamic.
At first I felt reassured that some people have given me considered and intelligent answers but then I get this!
You seem to assume that myself and other family members want to exert some control over my nephew's life when nothing could be further from the truth.
You also assume that my family are some how gutted that we no longer see other members of my sister's family, which could not be further from the truth.
You seem to think my sister is in regular touch with her other children, which is not true, unless Christmas and birthdays count, and she has to go and see them.
I am glad you feel sympathy for my sister without knowing the first thing about her. I love her very much and she doesn't need sympathy from anyone, being perfectly able to manage her own affairs thankyou.
Why is my 'subtext' worrying, and what does she have to protect my nephew from exactly? Normal family interactions it would seem.
I will have gentle words with my sister, and I will attempt to communicate with my nephew regarding his future plans, and I will encourage him to have some confidence in himself and not have his mother speak for him all the time (she does this to other people too, even me, which is very annoying) and I will try to find out a little more about his interests and hobbies- why? because my aunties and uncles did that for me. He still wants to come to family occasions because he knows how much we care about him.

M0nica

Glorianny I did not refer to him becoming a carer, just what would happen if his mother died or went into care. If he was unable to cope with caring, the question of her going into care would rise even earlier.

Yes, some people are happier living a quiet life and not leaving home. This could possibly be the case, but in this case this young man isn't being given much choice as his mother has taken over his life and, from what the OP says, does everything possible to stop him spreading his wings.

I think the OPs response that the extended family should perhaps become more involved with the family and including them in family activties. The young man needs choices and eazybee's post shows what can be the result of possessive mother's like this.

A possessive mother whose other children went off to Uni and are living independently. She see them. They don't see the wider family.
The big question to ask is why don't they?
But I think that's fairly obvious isn't it?
The subtext in this post is very worrying. The sister has all my sympathy. Maybe she speaks for the boy when the OP is there because she feels she needs to protect him.
Maybe her other children don't see the rest of the family because they don't like the way their mother is treated.

Glorianny I did not refer to him becoming a carer, just what would happen if his mother died or went into care. If he was unable to cope with caring, the question of her going into care would rise even earlier.

Yes, some people are happier living a quiet life and not leaving home. This could possibly be the case, but in this case this young man isn't being given much choice as his mother has taken over his life and, from what the OP says, does everything possible to stop him spreading his wings.

I think the OPs response that the extended family should perhaps become more involved with the family and including them in family activties. The young man needs choices and eazybee's post shows what can be the result of possessive mother's like this.

Mmm there's a bit of discrepancy going on here. Apparently the young man may finish up as a carer for his parents, but at the same time will be unable to care for himself after their death. If he can do the first he will surely manage the second.
Why is the only acceptable life style leave home, meet someone, settle down have kids?
This young man may be very happy living a sheltered life. It may not be for everyone but it suits some people.

M0nica

Even if the young man is happy being dependent now, what happens when his mother dies or develops dementia and/or needs to go into a care home?

How will he manage on his own, if he has been treated like an infant all his life?

That is precisely what happened to my ex (the lovely, kind one)

I am aware of a situation like this concerning an only child with an extremely possessive mother; she resented anyone with influence over her child and many were the battles with playgroup, school, Scouts and friends until he developed school refusal aged 14 and has not been seen outside the house since. He is now 41 and appears to spend his days in a small bedroom with the window covered in cardboard.
An extreme situation, and educational and medical interventions have failed to diminish the mother's control over him; the father is concerned but ineffective.
An extreme case, but I think you are right to have concerns about your nephew; how you help him I could not advise other than advise maintaining normal contact with him, which may be a lifeline.

He's be left unable to care for himself and the cycle would continue.

Even if the young man is happy being dependent now, what happens when his mother dies or develops dementia and/or needs to go into a care home?

How will he manage on his own, if he has been treated like an infant all his life?

No you misunderstand Glorianny. I have no contact with my sister's elder children and don't need to have. They are older, have made their own cloices and want nothing more to do with their family. Fine. It is nothing to do with rejection or any other negative connotations you want to bring to the table.
The post is about my sister's rather suffocating relationship with her youngest. There is far to it than I have posted here but I just thought I'd ask for some impartial opinions, and have received them.
I don't think it is a matter of what is right for me to judge either, or whose fault it is, except it makes me uncomfortable to see a young man with a lot of potential being treated like a three year old. Fair enough- he may love going everywhere with his mum and live out his days as a carer for his parents- but I think I would want more ambitition for my children than that.
Time will only tell I suppose, meanwhile I will try to have a more positive relationship with the both of them. As you say, it is out of my hands.

Sorry but I see a lot of criticism here that I am trying to work through. Your sister's older children have moved away, they went to Uni, but didn't complete their courses and have low-paid jobs. She only sees them a few times a year and you haven't seen them since before covid. They don't attend family events. Well why would they OP? You seem intent on criticising them and their mum. They left home, they are independent, they see her, but not you.
Then the youngest. He goes everywhere with his mum. Perhaps he shouldn't. But if he is happy with it why have you the right to interfere? He is only 17 some people grow up more slowly than others.
You apparently blame your sister for driving her two older children away (isn't that what children are supposed to do) although she still sees them.
Then criticise her for keeping her youngest close.
I wonder if she can do anything right?
As for the "we" included in the post I sense a family that has been entirely rejected by the older two. You might ask why that is and consider if it is entirely your sister's fault.

Thankyou so much for your sensitive and considered answers. I think as a family we tend not to interfere too much in each other's lives but it is beginning to bother us all because it has become so obvious. She doesn't even care and tells people openly she wants to keep him at home for herself.
He may be happy but doesn't seem it, he doesn't even seem to be a ble to form opinions of his own but I am sure he has to have dealings with people at college.
My sister clearly needs to find a life of her own. She works, has a wide circle of friends, but I don't understand this mother/son thing she has. Unless she is just making the most of her time with him before he leaves, as I feel he inevitably will. Or he may stay, and after he's 18 it's his choice.
Neither he nor his siblings ever seemed to have friends- they were a pretty insulated family and any friends were 'vetted.' The father is very controlling and anti-social himself. He is not well-liked and my sister only stays for financial reasons. She is obsessed with money.
I am planning to give him money for his birthday- he doesn't seem to have many interests outside and hasn't done outdoor activities or been on holidays like his siblings did. His only hobbies seem to be computer games. He seems very isolated, but I think a lot of kids his age are like this and only communicate by phone.
There is quite a gap between him and his siblings, so I don't know how much contact he has with them.
I think getting to know him better is something we could work on, in fact I will ask him when I see him what he would like for his birthday.