Nothing To Talk About

Mel1967

Many thanks.
Great to read all of your answers, ideas and thoughts.
Definitely lots for me to think about 😊

That's good! Good luck 🙂

Many thanks.
Great to read all of your answers, ideas and thoughts.
Definitely lots for me to think about 😊

You say your mum works 2 nights a week. Could you ask her about her job?

It does seem that they have fallen into a bit of a trap. Some older people do.

Is there a local newspaper? I used to find my MIL loved hearing the news about what the town council was up to, or local sporting events, etc. When she moved to assisted living home we would take her for a drive around the town to see any changes, or she would look at peoples' houses and riminess about who lived there.

They sound fine, and their life not that sad to me.

Your mum still working at 81, trips out and about to get a kitten (the kitten alone will give you all plenty to talk about.)

My family ( all of them ) wouldn’t dream of keeping the tv on if any visited appeared !
What strange behaviour. My daughter and her two kids 16 and 12 came last Sunday and the 16 year old bought two board games Othello and downfall ! (I kid you not) to “ beat nanny at”…….The little one beat me at Downfall and the big’un at Othello….3 times! How the tables have turned from when they were small😂😂…. What a sad family that can’t talk and play together . .

Mel you say they have no hobbies but your mum still has a job p/t she drives, they go to theatres, and days out and are about to have a kitten
There sounds loads to talk about and not sad at all

Don’t take offence but I think you’re the uncommunicative one if you can’t find sone stuff to be interested in out of that list
Talk about her job, talk about kittens/ cats, ask about the trips out, tell them about your trips out your ,job the kids whatever

I can now imagine your mum saying ‘how are the children’ and you saying ‘OK’ expand the conversation talk about old times stuff the kids get up to general affairs tv programmes
If you’re not a natural chatter you’re not, but don’t blame them

Don't quite understand why you can't offer your parents the loving courtesy of talking with them about 'anything and everything' as you do your son and his partner. Obviously the responses will be different but that could be interesting.

As you are the one out and about and young and energetic
(maybe) surely you’d be the one bringing the conversation or gossip to the table
If they don’t do a lot they won’t have much to talk about surely that’s up to you to think what to chat about for your visit
Take some family photos round, chat about past times, see if there’s any tv or radio programmes you both look or listen to,talk about spring, the gardens or parks in your area local, vandalism, good deeds anything

Not meaning to hurt your feelings but you sound the one with the conversational problems Not everyone is a natural chatterer but you can’t blame them if you’re also bringing nothing to them

Although my mum and I have had a difficult relationship (she hit me on a daily basis. Not because I had done anything wrong but because she had a horrible temper) I miss being able to talk to her because she has dementia and only wants to talk about my sister and then falls asleep.

Several things entered my mind…
Your parents seem to live an insular life. The noise on the TV brings them into a world of “community”. For older people (who are set in their ways) it’s a lifeline.

Perhaps your parents have emotionally moved apart from each other over the years, it may never have been one of those golden couplings that a few enjoy. If neither one of them is a “warm and fuzzy” personality it can soon become a stone-cold silence existence.

If your marriage is okay but nothing overly stimulating - you’ve raised a single child also - do you recognize that you might be mirroring your parents? Just going through the motions? Life can be ho-hum… unless an effort is made by someone to steer it into a more pleasing, interesting, adventurous existence.

Sorry, I’m going on very little information here, so I apologize if I’m way off base. But these things leaped out to me from your post.

This situation works both ways. I find it hard to talk to my son, with whom I have very little in common apart from the gorgeous grandchildren he has provided me with. So conversation is usually about them. I find he has very little interest in me and what I've been doing - usually travelling the world on many holidays to far flung places.

Mel1967

Callistemon21
Thanks for your reply.
Apart from telling them that I was ok and also that my job, my husband and son and his girlfriend were fine - then no I didn’t have anything else to chat about.
Any suggestions?

I see a family resemblence here. You complain that your parents had nothing to say, but unless you went into greater detail with them than in your answer quoted above, I understand very well that the television was more interesting than your mutual conversations!

Ask about their friends - you must know some of them, discuss rising prices, ask how they are coping with the increase in food and utility prices, discuss the weather or Ukraine. Tell them about your hobbies, or what you did last weekend.

Next time give some details of what has actually been happening at work, or of what you do after work. Talk about plans for the summer holidays, re-decorating the house, tell your parents a little more about what their grandson is actually doing etc. etc.

Yes - it’s heartbreaking when they don’t recognise or remember you. I am the youngest of nine and when I used to ask to list the names of her children, she would struggle but will some how manage , by counting on her fingers. But only up to No 8. After that she would say , “and then there was one more, wasn’t there ? “ and I’d be in front of her with various clues, but she just couldn’t remember me or my name. Sad 😢

EEJit

Mel1967

Just be grateful they still know you. The last time i saw my Mumbefore she died she hadnt a clue who I was

EEJit
It is just awful, isn't it. Not my parents but someone very close to me 😥

I am the family genealogist and often would have some nugget to share
Vintagegirl Yes, I am too and that takes up several hours of answering questions from my DD on the various family connections and interesting stories I've unearthed.

I struggle to think of things to say to my mum now in our WhatsApp video calls that take place two or three times a week.

Luckily, she rarely runs out of things to tell me.
On reflection, that should probably be 'sadly', rather than 'luckily', because she is increasingly forgetting what she has already told me so repeats the same thing two or three times. 😔

Amalegra

I used to talk about anything and everything with my dear parents. They didn’t actually DO a great deal in retirement apart from visit their favourite restaurants, but that was always a good topic, loving food as they did! But we were never stuck for lively conversation. Current affairs, books, especially science fiction, and the then latest technology with my dad, history, books, cookery, fashion, health with my mum. Family-the grandchildren, old times and they were a fascinating source of family history which I treasure. I can only be grateful that we all talked the hind leg of the proverbial donkey most of the time, especially as much of that changed when my father was diagnosed with dementia and my mother had a stroke. Glad to have those happy memories. Just wish it flowed as easily with my adult children sometimes!

me too

I used to talk about anything and everything with my dear parents. They didn’t actually DO a great deal in retirement apart from visit their favourite restaurants, but that was always a good topic, loving food as they did! But we were never stuck for lively conversation. Current affairs, books, especially science fiction, and the then latest technology with my dad, history, books, cookery, fashion, health with my mum. Family-the grandchildren, old times and they were a fascinating source of family history which I treasure. I can only be grateful that we all talked the hind leg of the proverbial donkey most of the time, especially as much of that changed when my father was diagnosed with dementia and my mother had a stroke. Glad to have those happy memories. Just wish it flowed as easily with my adult children sometimes!

I am the family genealogist and often would have some nugget to share. My mother had an amazing memory and lived to a great age but she never had much to say about her years in London during the Blitz etc. By chance she spoke of a nun she was fond of from her school. She had an unusual name so I used genealogy tools to find out more about her. This led me to a Facebook page for her school and a request from a person who was writing a book about it. With this in mind, I 'interviewed' her and her memories became a chapter in the book. She was able to supply many photos as well.

My son is like that with me, he honestly does not know what to say to me. It is me that's to do all the talking and often I sense his head is pre-occupied and that the is not interested at all. My daughter in law is too exhausted from work to talk, but our granddaughter is a delight she will chat none stop.
I would never go to them unless invited. I do not like visitors unless I invite them myself. I work full time voluntarily and it is an interruption, when I have planned what I have to do, but I love company when I know in advance. We are all different. I can always talk for England, but am very sad my son does not engage with me more. I hardly know him these days. How I wish my son was like the OP who does want to engage but find it hard, perhaps he is!!!

I am in the same position with my dad; 94 and in a retirement flat. We have very little in common so once I’ve done the we’re all ok bit and he’s aired his real or perceived problems and I’ve sorted out what I can then that’s about it really. He gets upset if I talk about mum (she died two years ago) or anything in “the past”. He’s not interested in the grandchildren really apart from me saying they’re ok. I do a lot of crocheting.

I remember visiting my Mum in her latter years when her conversations were solely about funerals and the illnesses and hospitalisation of friends and neighbours. I fear that my conversations are now tipping into that stage. My daughter teases me about this and allows me a quick "bad news bulletin" before we pick up on our normal lively conversations on everything from politics to her latest travel plans.

My dad is very like this, he’s 92, has no memory to speak of, doesn’t remember his grandchildren’s names or even that I may have spoken to him just 10 mins before on the phone. He doesn’t read, has no hobbies, doesn’t go out and if I try to talk to him about family he’s not interested . It’s a 3 hour round trip to see him. He has carers 4 times a day and a nurse twice a day but still says he lonely and why don’t I visit more often it’s a strain to be honest. I go once a month and my sister is just down the street from him, she can cope with about 20 mins and I stay for about 3 hours when I m there. I take my little dog with me as he adores her but it’s not easy

Mel1967

Just be grateful they still know you. The last time i saw my Mumbefore she died she hadnt a clue who I was