Nothing To Talk About

We talk about current affairs, the garden, what we have been reading/watching - there must be something...?

If you start to talk about something do they just ignore you?

Could you say "shall we turn this off for a good chat?" and see what transpires?

Or go there with a plan of things to talk about? It sounds to me as though they have just got out of practice if they used to chat.

Playing games can bring out conversations.
Also, looking at photographs.

Were they watching a particular favourite programme that time or is this how it usually is with them? If it's a one-off, I wouldn't worry. If not, then maybe suggest a walk around the garden or a wander down to the local shops, if there are any and if they're able. If it is a favourite programme, then check whether they both want to watch. If not, then maybe a walk with the other might work.

Mel1967

I went to visit my mum & dad yesterday.
We said hello, my mum had told me about several family members & their health issues, my dad had a problem with his mobile phone, but refused to let me sort it - we were done - nothing else to talk about.
They were both more interested in the television.
I felt quit sad when I left that we don’t seem to have anything to talk about.

It sounds as if you expected them to make all the conversation.

Did you have nothing to chat about?

Sometimes good to get in the car and go to the local cafe - I recently found a golf club cafe nearby which is open to the public and it's been a success- as well as a short trip to the local garden centre. To get the conversation moving on hubby's mum's side. They were never very active in life and never got involved in community projects etc were always scathing of stuff going on locally , had no time for anything except their own garden which no-one ever saw except them and us. Maybe social anxiety but they were adamant they didn't want to participate in anything , no holidays nothing, so hard to have anything much to talk about.
My own parents are completely different - involved in their own elderly siblings' wellbeing, church , local walks, gardening , local things going on, local craft fayre and WI mornings - local pub occasionally - lots of newspapers to read, local and national - waterfall walks - always stuff to talk about . My in laws said they 'didn't see the point' in voluntary work etc - so you live as you live I guess and reap the rewards if more outward looking. Everyone's lives and dispositions are so different. Some are so resistant to change or other people's suggestions.

You don’t say their ages Mel Do they have any little jobs for you to do around the house?
I used to visit my DF every day - do a bit of dusting, water the plants, make a cuppa etc. I’d usually take cake or some sort of treat and he’d have kept the daily crossword for us to do together.
He wasn’t much of a tv watcher in general, but we’d chat about all sorts from the weather, to his memories of being a small boy.
As an other GN says can you tell them about your activities? Are there Grandchildren - my DF loved to hear of their exploits.

fancythat

Playing games can bring out conversations.
Also, looking at photographs.

Good ideas, especially photographs. Can lead to conversations about happy memories which older folk often enjoy. If they aren't very active they will have less to chat about.

Callistemon21
Thanks for your reply.
Apart from telling them that I was ok and also that my job, my husband and son and his girlfriend were fine - then no I didn’t have anything else to chat about.
Any suggestions?

When my mum was in the care home for her last year, we still had things to talk about, as we always had done. We mainly discussed family and what I had been doing, and what was going on in the care home, but as time went on it became harder and harder to engage her, and so I started reading to her, which she enjoyed. We never finished the last book.
Mell maybe you could talk about what you’ve been doing, or what your children are up to. Maybe talk about the programmes they watch and any you watch. The weather is always a topic for conversation and possibly where they’ve been, if they still go out, although it may only be the doctor or supermarket.

It seems so sad, but some peoples lives do get narrower as they get older.
Are they interested in current events? There's a lot going on in the world. Or maybe some local event that they would like to talk about?
If they like television, perhaps talk about some current programmes.
Good luck with your next visit. Maybe prepare a list before you go?

Mell967 We cannot generate subjets fr you to talk about They need to come from you. Do you not have wider interests than just home, job and family.

As someone up thread says they talk about We talk about current affairs, the garden, what we have been reading/watching

In our family talking is non-stop. DH and I both have intersts and hobbies outside home and family, we discuss the news, events in the village, what I read on GN and another form he is engaged on.

Do you and your mother not have a shared interest in cloths, or cats, or cooking. Do you both live in flats, with nothing green in ssight? This time of year do you not see the plants growing, spring flowers out, or the daffodils in the supermarket. haven't yu noticed the birds singing more.

Ther is o much in even an mundane life that can be talked about. If you only lift your head and look around yourself - and turn the tv off.

Mel1967

Callistemon21
Thanks for your reply.
Apart from telling them that I was ok and also that my job, my husband and son and his girlfriend were fine - then no I didn’t have anything else to chat about.
Any suggestions?

I don't know you or anything about your life though, so sorry, no suggestions.

We went out for a meal - daughter, grandson and granddaughter. Daughter likes to recall times when her children were babies. Ofcourse, I understand and I contributed my memories of them as well. I see Daughter and Grandson often, but my granddaughter, occasionally. She’s in University and seems to be very involved with her boyfriend’s family. I’m happy that she is close to them, but it’s sad and nice too, how time and relationships evolve. Acceptance is the best way forward….

About 15 years ago my Mum due to bad health rarely went out unless I took her, we went shopping once a week and every other week we used to take her for dinner somewhere. But she always said she hadn’t anything to talk about.
My daughter used to pass her house on the way from school and called in nearly every day for about 15 minutes, my Mum loved it. She said she came in talked non stop about her day typical teenager he said she said conversation. But she said it was great to listen to her chat.
I think if they are not going out or seeing people mundane chats are welcome to them.

Mel1967

Callistemon21
Thanks for your reply.
Apart from telling them that I was ok and also that my job, my husband and son and his girlfriend were fine - then no I didn’t have anything else to chat about.
Any suggestions?

Do they have hobbies? Groups they go to? Friends they meet up with? Ask them about their lives, show an interest.

Tell them about your life, going out to lunch, meeting friends, taking kids out or whatever. The minutiae of life to chat about. Funny incidents observed etc?

Ask their opinion on something in news; not necessary political could be anything.

Bring up a memory from the past; chikdhid; maybe a holiday. Talk about happy memories funny incidents
Ask them something about your grandparents ..Did they live in/work in /where did they meet?

And so on ....

If they're interested in the television, maybe start there?
Watch a programme with them, talk about it afterwards?
Go through the TV magazine and look at what programmes are coming up that might interest them?

I speak to DD in Australia once a week, and often struggle to find much to chat about.

When you have exhausted how everyone is, how work is, the weather on both continents, imparted any local news about folk she can hardly remember……

One topic we are both interested in is the Royal Family. Harry and Meghan’s latest exploits fill up some good conversations.

After so long away, (25 years), with the GC now grown and everyone busy with their own different lifestyles, it’s not easy to feel as close as we once were. So not surprising conversation doesn’t always ‘flow’.

Some people just aren't talkers. If you haven't built up that way of having conversations then it seems a little late now.
Do you ring and talk on the phone?
It's hard work sometimes but I much prefer it to texting. My friend and I still chat on the phone for hours.
Can they get out? Sometimes it is ok not to say anything, but just be in the moment.
My relationship with my mum changed when I helped her with a jog-saw puzzle. Up to the point I felt I couldn't connect with her very well, but that afternoon we spent just making a picture together was a turning point for us. I felt it was ok just to be there in each other's company.
Do your parents have other hobbies and interests you could ask them about?
How about listening to music? Taking some knitting or sewing to do whilse you're there?
When I met my now ex-partner I was really struck by how little conversation his family had with each other- they didn't even have small talk. I found this very difficult to adjust to on visitng his family, especially his mum who hardly ever spoke at all.
When visiting her in hospital she did say the lady in the bed opposite was very chatty, and she wished that she could just chat to people in that way. It seemed to be a skill she had never acquired or had lost for some reason.
My ex-partner used to tell me he could never think of things to say. I think some people are just like that.
It is a shame about the telelvision, but does seem all too common I'm afraid. I hear it a lot. I hope you get some good suggestions as it clearly bothers you, and you learn to enjoy the visits much more.

My mum is in hospital and has no short term memory left. No idea about politics etc. Can't read, can't remember what she ate or watched on the ward tv. It makes conversation very challenging. I show her photos of my grandsons and she will respond to them. I ask her about something which happened when I was little and she can respond to that. I stay half an hour usually because she'll fall asleep. My dd will watch a programme with her and comment on it to her. Or talk about her work etc. It is difficult, I agree but I hope this gives some ideas

Mel1967 you don't say how old they are, how fit they are, whether ir not they can get out now.

Could you take them out for a drive, a coffee, give them a change of surroundings if they're no longer able to drive or go out much.

That being said, I used to phone my MIL regularly, she couldn't get out much as she became very elderly but she could talk non-stop for an hour 😃

Calendargirl I can see how that might gradually happen almost without noticing.

I wonder if, Mel1967 you have always had conversations with them in the past? Is it maybe that you were the one generating them and now you maybe have less "going on"?

I think in my life (which frankly is mainly mundane) I always have an opinion on something, have read something which interests me, have noticed something. I think this is true whether or not I've actually been anywhere of note.

My mother-in-law is coming up to 100 now and recently I showed her on her laptop via Google all her old addresses. We first looked up where she was born both streetview and Google Earth. She was full of stories - we "walked" along the road to the park etc and had quite a jolly time.
Do they have a laptop or a tablet? In her case we couldn't have done it on a mobile - but some people maybe could.
BTW she later talked about it to my youngest daughter who had a look with her too..

The will be things to talk about. If your son is about to start work, for instance you could ask her what it was like in her first job and tell her about when you started work.

Personally I think you are just out of practice.

Maybe there is some local changes going on - yesterday we chatted to my mother-in-law about a new development in her area which will be "executive" flats in a beautiful historic house and then lots of smaller homes in the grounds. The building wotlrk has just started.

Update

Mum is 81 - working 2 evenings a week - no siblings
Dad 84 - not working (retired 15 years ago) - 1 older sister who lives nearby.
I’m an only child, married and we have 1 son (29) - he and his girlfriend live with us.
We all work full-time.

Parents have very few friends - not visited very often.
Don’t go on holiday.
Have days out - mum drives - go to the theatre.
No hobbies either of them.
Just about to have a kitten 🐱
They take Dads sister shopping once a week - mum drives them.
Mum & Dad don’t come to us unless invited - we’re about half an hour from them.

Seems even sadder written down ☹️

I don’t think that have ever been the easiest people to talk to - maybe it’s more noticeable now I’m older and have such a different relationship with our son & his girlfriend - we talk about anything & everything.

Perhaps I have to learn to accept things as they are?

It doesn't seem really that sad to me, (perhaps I'm even sadder) 😲

No hobbies either of them 🤔
Hobbies are a good thing, especially joining clubs, eg U3A which have some interesting groups they could join together. Or your Mum could join while your Dad stays at home to house train the new kitten.
DH joined some and did charity work but some have now folded simply because older members have died and new ones are not forthcoming.

Mum & Dad don’t come to us unless invited - we’re about half an hour from them
That's an awkward one. I think it might be a case of, knowing how busy you all are, they don't want to intrude unexpectedly on your precious time. I can understand that.

My mother-in-law is coming up to 100 now and recently I showed her on her laptop via Google all her old addresses. We first looked up where she was born both streetview and Google Earth. She was full of stories - we "walked" along the road to the park etc and had quite a jolly time.
Really good suggestion, NotSpaghetti

When I still lived in the same city as my parents all my mother ever talked about was her ailments, both real and imagined. My father was never a great conversationalist and used to just sit reading the paper. If I tried to lead my mother away from the subject of her health - say to tell her about what I had been doing - she just went back to it as though I had never spoken. It was like having a conversation with a tape recorder.

When she had to go into hospital or see some specialist or other she used to sit by the phone and ring every member of the family to tell them the "news". Even when I lived in another city she would ring several times or leave messages on the ansa-phone about her health. Thank heaven there were no smart phones then!

Nowadays she would probably be diagnosed with Munchausen.

No wonder my sister and I are very anti doctors/ailments and have to be dragged to a hospital.