Dating someone who is richer than you are

Simples. He likes and wants your company. He wants nice holidays and meals out (who doesn't) and he wants to share these things specifically with you. You can still pay for some things, do picnics or meals at home etc but honestly he will get fed up knowing that you can both have so much more fun, do so much more and see so much more.

You've proved you aren't a gold digger and he obviously doesn't think you are a gold digger but you are in danger of becoming a pain in the bum.

I don't see this as coercive control. If I really wanted someone's company on a holiday or night out and they were "poor" then I would happily pay for them (male or female). Besides, if he is a traditional sort of bloke he won't think paying for his love interest on social occasions is untoward or weird.

Think about you pay for a meal once ( plenty of affordable options ) and then he pays the next time. You both have a chance of dining where you would like. Can you do a lovely afternoon tea / picnic / which you can cater for, when the weather gets better / so he can treat you to something more expensive. It’s not always the money you spend but how much thought has gone into it ..

Spottedscarf - aren’t you the lucky one!!! If ever you get fed up, send him over to me 😂

What you can do is when he takes you out for a meal, let him pay for the main meal and you pay for the deserts. Or if he takes you out to a concert, let him pay for that and then you treat him for drinks at a bar afterwards.

However, it is not nice of him to give you a subtle ultimation ‘Let me pay for you or else the relationship is over’. Not much of a gentleman, is he?

When my daughter was young in her earlier twenties, I ask her what is her ideal man, and she said an English gentleman. I told her I am not sure whether the English gentleman still exists, as far as I know, he has become extinct just like the dinosaur.

It is harder to receive than it is to give.

Receiving graciously is a way of giving back.

I love to give. Why deny him that pleasure?

You can give back in other ways:
- be generous with kind words (and hopefully he will be too),
- with hugs,
- with thoughtful tiny things (such as going to the trouble of choosing his favourite mug for coffee, or wearing a perfume he likes, or buying a newspaper with the groceries because he likes the crossword)
- by listening to him
- by trying to see the joy in the things he loves...(cricket in my case- I too love it now)

I think you may be traumatised by your past and don't think you are "worth" loving.... Yes you are!

Believe in yourself.

TinSoldier and Germansheperdsmum appear to be the posters who understand the dynamics of what's going on here.

All the advice to arrange simple dates going for walks in the park or cooking homemade meals are well-meaning but missing the point.

He, judging by the OP's post, doesn't want to limit himself to the simple pleasures of life, and the OP doesn't want to be beholden to him financially - having already been in a controlling relationship where the other-half called the shots.

That is the problem - not the mechanics of where to go or what to do on a date.

Thanks Dickens. Their respective lifestyles are poles apart because, financially, they are poles apart. He isn’t going to give up the lifestyle to which he’s become accustomed, nor should he have to. The OP is going to have to change her mindset and accept what he is offering if the relationship is to continue. I don’t see coercion or control in what she describes (and having experienced it, I know it when I see it). A nice homemade meal or a picnic won’t bridge this gap, nice though they may be occasionally.

Dickens, TinSoldier and Germansheperdsmum I think some of us do see and understand what you are saying - and agree with you - some of us also have some insight into abusive and/or coercive relationships.

I think most of us agree that the OP needs to accept gifts and treats etc if the relationship can survive.

As you say, to go from regular meals out to three or four times a year (for example) is ridiculous.

Also when the OP says that he wont do walks/picnics/coffee I feel that he didn't mean ever, but that it wouldn't be enough all the time. I would struggle to relinquish a life of fine foods, hidays, theatre and opera too!

What the OP needs to think about though, in my opinion, is how she can accept his gifts without feeling so terrible and my last post was supposed to be encouraging her to see that recieving warmly is a skill she may have forgotten because of her history.

Otherwise the relationship will sadly not survive.

NotSpaghetti

*Dickens, TinSoldier* and Germansheperdsmum I think some of us do see and understand what you are saying - and agree with you - some of us also have some insight into abusive and/or coercive relationships.

I think most of us agree that the OP needs to accept gifts and treats etc if the relationship can survive.

As you say, to go from regular meals out to three or four times a year (for example) is ridiculous.

Also when the OP says that he wont do walks/picnics/coffee I feel that he didn't mean ever, but that it wouldn't be enough all the time. I would struggle to relinquish a life of fine foods, hidays, theatre and opera too!

What the OP needs to think about though, in my opinion, is how she can accept his gifts without feeling so terrible and my last post was supposed to be encouraging her to see that recieving warmly is a skill she may have forgotten because of her history.

Otherwise the relationship will sadly not survive.

Yes - you see it.

The OP's ability to "receive warmly" (I like that!) may be a skill she has to learn.

What bothers me is that she says he doesn't think he can sustain a relationship in which she won't let him pay for things.

OTOH, it will limit their activities if he doesn't, and she will feel uncomfortable if he does.

Either there's a compromise, or the relationship will sour.

Don't quite know what the answer is. Self-sufficiency - I understand very well, like GSM, I had to work and raise a son on my 'tod' and that independence gives you a strong sense of self-reliance and pride. If the OP is now an independent self-reliant woman, it will be difficult to graciously accept her man's generosity. And he, maybe never having been in her position, will find that difficult to understand.

There are quite a few psychological studies on giving and receiving and how lots of people find receiving harder than giving.
I haven't looked at any for ages but remember some from when I worked with women escaping domestic abuse and trying to move on.

I can't remember a lot except that lots of people felt that accepting made them anxious as they might be "in debt" to someone or "giving up control or that it implied they were of lower value and/or "needy" -which could stem from a low self worth.

I remember reading one paper that said if you are a confident person without abusive history you often don't see the implications so are quite happy receiving.

Yes, if you have never been damaged by a negative past its hard to grasp the connotations when you are, as the OP's new friend, so very happy to give... as you said, Dickens

... I've heard it said - that receiving is harder than giving - but never delved into it, and all the reasons you mention, make sense.

I hope the OP can resolve this, but suspect she will have to feel comfortable as a receiver. She says he is a "lovely respectful man and wants nothing back in return". If that's the case, the relationship appears to be worth pursuing.

I dated lots of wealthy men before I met the "one." I used to say that I couldn't be bought sold or traded in hopes of a laugh and then told them that I was looking for a life partner and talked about that.... no one night stands for me, as in dinner and desert. I said if that's what you're looking for than you can find it elsewhere but it's not me. I had so much of offer a good man! I taught many how to dance, swim, rollerblade, enjoy a sunset in a kayak or on a mountaintop, ski, appreciate good music, theater and more. Money is only one form of commerce. People trade all kinds of things and what is of value to him is your companionship, is it not? It's not about the money. It's about finding someone you are compatible with on many levels, is it not? Why make it about money? P.S. I've been "controlled" and "manipulated" too but don't let it interfere with the gifts that others want to bestow on me. You will know manipulation when you see it.... and YES, it is a red flag. Choose wisely, I say, give thanks and pass it forward if you can. Give of your beauty, your touch, your time, patience, virtue, companionship and all of the things that a good man has trouble finding in today's society. Love yourself and allow others to love you when possible. <3

Please don't make an issue of it .
You've met someone nice and he can afford to treat you - so enjoy it and stop reminding him that he's richer then you !

I think that in general, many older men often feel that they should be in the position of the breadwinner - they like to pay for everything and feel uncomfortable with their partner paying. I had similar issues to you, but I realised that his generosity came with the best of intentions and a desire to please me so I learned to accept graciously and just sneak in some payments when I can - generous birthday holidays etc. We have been together for 13 years now and married for the last 3. I do find it a little difficult with his (grown up with their own families) kids as they clearly think I'm a gold digger, but I can only hope that as time passes they will come to realise that their father is happy and that, like my own stepmother, I am an asset rather than a threat ... I hope!

Adult children, my husband has 3 daughters, each with their own families, I do get on with them well, however they do know how the estate is going to be left. Put simply, I get the house for my lifetime and maintenence, they share all the property, they are entirely happy with that. I feel secure, so do they.

If you don’t tell them they are going to assume the worst, that the new wife will take it all, my uncle wouldn’t tell his family and it was continual hassle silly old fool.

First and foremost, it's important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings and concerns. Expressing your desire to split costs evenly is a valid preference, and it's positive that you want to contribute your fair share. However, it's also crucial to consider your partner's perspective and feelings on the matter. He seems to genuinely want to provide for you and may feel uncomfortable if you refuse his gestures of generosity.

Finding a balance that works for both of you might involve compromise and understanding. Perhaps you could discuss a system where you contribute what you can comfortably afford, and he covers the remaining expenses without feeling obligated to do so. Alternatively, you could take turns treating each other or find low-cost activities that you both enjoy.

Where are you Spottedscarf1976?
How have the last two months been going?

One of my daughters is in this situation, separated from a very unkind and controlling man, she has become involved with a very sweet man who just happens to be wealthy.
She turns down holidays, weekends away, she won’t let him buy her things, and she also is insistent they do things she can afford.
I try and tell her that, although maybe she should be selective about what she agrees to do, he really wants her to go with him, and is happy to pay.
I think after her unpleasant marriage, her independence is everything, and it’s very hard for her to accept that he has no agenda beyond wanting to treat her now and o.

Sara1954

One of my daughters is in this situation, separated from a very unkind and controlling man, she has become involved with a very sweet man who just happens to be wealthy.
She turns down holidays, weekends away, she won’t let him buy her things, and she also is insistent they do things she can afford.
I try and tell her that, although maybe she should be selective about what she agrees to do, he really wants her to go with him, and is happy to pay.
I think after her unpleasant marriage, her independence is everything, and it’s very hard for her to accept that he has no agenda beyond wanting to treat her now and o.

It sounds like her new man is content to have a thrifty partner, I like to be independant and shop economically but if my OH wants to travel I’m going with him.
As your daughter becomes more secure her independence will soften, what she must not do is live a separate life, they must live life together.

Katie590, yes they have been friends for years, and the relationship has developed very slowly, she’s very skittish about it, and in several occasions has cooled it right down.
He seems to accept this, he has never married or had children, so he has a very busy social life, and isn’t dependent on her for company, but I think he would like to include her more.

Sara1954

Katie590, yes they have been friends for years, and the relationship has developed very slowly, she’s very skittish about it, and in several occasions has cooled it right down.
He seems to accept this, he has never married or had children, so he has a very busy social life, and isn’t dependent on her for company, but I think he would like to include her more.

Mmmm, it rather sounds like she is not comfortable with his social circle, that is not so good.
I’m entirely comfortable with my husbands friends and family they are my kind of people.

Katie. No it’s not that, they have been a group of friends for years, I think it’s more his business associates.

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Yes I believe you’ve got fabulous advice here on this forum please don’t let money hold you back from you’re lovely new friend just enjoy his company and allow him to be generous with you, going halvers is just old hat.