Rude Daughter

One of my daughters is very difficult and quite rude and unkind to me and her sister. If I have ever tried to discuss this and how hurt I feel I am always in the wrong, my fault so I just keep quiet now. I am always there for her and love her very much but stay as she wants at an arms length away. Just do what you need to do to help your niece and keep quiet. What a very sad situation for your niece. Unfortunately people never change and it is accepting situations we cannot change and enjoying the company of those who are kind and want to spend time with us. I am rarely asked to do anything for her but if I am it sounds like she is doing me a massive favour by asking me rather than me helping her.

rafichagran

linfreed You have written about this before, and it seems things have got no better. You really need to stop being so available.
Why do people always say when someone is rude and demanding they may be autistic,no they are mostly just rude and selfish. I find labelling people for bad manners, rudeness, and lack of thought just wrong. Look at the estranged thread, do all the Grandparents who are estranged have autistic adult children?

Well said rafichagran. That's just what I think.

Good post, eazybee.

Primrose53

rafichagran

linfreed You have written about this before, and it seems things have got no better. You really need to stop being so available.
Why do people always say when someone is rude and demanding they may be autistic,no they are mostly just rude and selfish. I find labelling people for bad manners, rudeness, and lack of thought just wrong. Look at the estranged thread, do all the Grandparents who are estranged have autistic adult children?

Because they may well be and nobody has picked up on it before!

Look at Chris Packham, highly intelligent but prefers the company of his dogs to humans because he finds it really difficult to communicate with them and “guess” what they are thinking.

Lots of people say he is very stand offish and distant and also very direct but they are classic signs of autism which of course, we know he has.

I have a close family member who is on the Autistic spectrum and she is very much like the OPs daughter.

So yes a lot of us do have ACs or grandchildren that are Autistic or on the spectrum.

The situation with your niece, is it possible she is concerned for you and not expressing it well?

Sometimes, people we love are harder to get along with, they aren't the people we hoped they would be... We don't have the relationship we wanted... But that doesn't always mean we aren't loved

What you need to ask yourself is, if she is coming from a bad place. If she is trying to hurt you. If you are unsure of that answer, then you need to have a conversation with her, tell her you are hurt by this... Just this scenario, don't make it an "you always do xyz" thing because that would feel like an attack. See what she says...

It could be. ADHD. Women with this brain suffer from impulsiveness and have difficulty in controlling outbursts.

My DD also has a difficult personality. I have learned to live with it. She has a heart of gold but everything is about her. I get very hurt sometimes. My mother was the same. If there's one thing I have learned in my life it's that we can't change anyone.

I would say your daughter has a difficult personality, is naturally selfish and unlikely to change so lower your expectations, of food, meals and family holidays. Continue helping your niece because you want to and she needs your help, (no need to justify it); carry on babysitting (when convenient) because you get to form a loving relationship with your grandchildren; and continue with your interesting-sounding life you have developed of art, bridge, friends and the bolthole by the sea.

If you dont like her behaviour distance yourself from her, if she were not related would you want to spend time with her?

Having a label of autism does not change who she is so is irrelevant, she is an intelligent women who knows how to behave with good manners or she would not hold down a job, she chooses to behave the way she does with her mother.

mumofmadboys

I agree you sound a kind Mum and loving person. It does sound very much that your niece needs your support. Can you just gently stand up for yourself to your DD? So if she says something hurtful say 'Gosh that sounds rude Mary but I'm sure you didn't mean to be and it came out wrongly" and smile. Don't let her get to you. Just gently point out her rudeness not every time but every 2 -3 times and maybe she will realise how badly she is treating you.Good luck.

Great advice.

Gently point her rudeness every once in awhile, then drop it.

Not everyone is empathetic, I'd imagine she views herself "direct" - not necessarily a negative trait and one you'll not change.

Perhaps pull back, don't tell DD of your care to your niece. That is really none of her business. Talk on neutral easy topics.

Some people are just difficult and touchy, not a reflection on their parents and siblings - just a fact. I doubt she'll change - she's ok with herself.

FWIW, don't listen to others complaining of her - gossip never helps.

Primrose she could also just be rude, demanding and nasty. People always look for excuses for bad behaviour.
I knew a woman whose child was very badly behaved, rude, spoilt and demanding, she tried to say it could be autism, rubbish he was badly behaved and instead of parenting she made excuses. This child never knew the word no, he never had consequences for his behavior.
I feel very sorry for children /people with autism, I just can't stand people who use it as a excuse for bad behaviour.

rafichagran

linfreed You have written about this before, and it seems things have got no better. You really need to stop being so available.
Why do people always say when someone is rude and demanding they may be autistic,no they are mostly just rude and selfish. I find labelling people for bad manners, rudeness, and lack of thought just wrong. Look at the estranged thread, do all the Grandparents who are estranged have autistic adult children?

Because they may well be and nobody has picked up on it before!

Look at Chris Packham, highly intelligent but prefers the company of his dogs to humans because he finds it really difficult to communicate with them and “guess” what they are thinking.

Lots of people say he is very stand offish and distant and also very direct but they are classic signs of autism which of course, we know he has.

linfreed You have written about this before, and it seems things have got no better. You really need to stop being so available.
Why do people always say when someone is rude and demanding they may be autistic,no they are mostly just rude and selfish. I find labelling people for bad manners, rudeness, and lack of thought just wrong. Look at the estranged thread, do all the Grandparents who are estranged have autistic adult children?

oopsadaisy1 You've got ut! I didn't like to say, but my friend suggested she's on the spectrum. Very ocd, a bit like her husband, who is similar. They found eachother!

pascal30 I think you're spot on about mental health issues. That's why her dh has been desperate about her behaviour sometimes. She's a bit better now she's volunteering for CAB and has a new puppy to walk.

I'm not available for all babysits and she does ask well in advance. When she was an adolescent she had body dysmorphia, was sleep eating (sleep walking into the kitchen) because she wasn't eating enough and very grumpy and unhappy.

Much better since she's had children & got a partner, but still lots under the surface.

I think Mum of Mad Boys's suggestion is a little better than mine

mumofmadboys

I agree you sound a kind Mum and loving person. It does sound very much that your niece needs your support. Can you just gently stand up for yourself to your DD? So if she says something hurtful say 'Gosh that sounds rude Mary but I'm sure you didn't mean to be and it came out wrongly" and smile. Don't let her get to you. Just gently point out her rudeness not every time but every 2 -3 times and maybe she will realise how badly she is treating you.Good luck.

This. Great advice.

I agree you sound a kind Mum and loving person. It does sound very much that your niece needs your support. Can you just gently stand up for yourself to your DD? So if she says something hurtful say 'Gosh that sounds rude Mary but I'm sure you didn't mean to be and it came out wrongly" and smile. Don't let her get to you. Just gently point out her rudeness not every time but every 2 -3 times and maybe she will realise how badly she is treating you.Good luck.

Lin Freed, is telling her how you feel confrontational ? If you do tell her how you feel she may well have plenty of replies to defend her behaviour, she seems to be very intelligent. Telling her how you feel is not confrontational however to do so would make you vulnerable to her lack of sympathy.

Unless she is a bit stupid, she knows her behaviour is unsympathetic . Would it help if the next time she is aggressive why not say "please would you say that in a way not to hurt my feelings?" Or to be more specific "Please would you ask me to babysit in a way not to hurt my feelings?" She seems to be very clever girl in some ways but in human relations she is a slow learner.

Your problem is you love her and won't desert her despite her being unrewarding company

Just be honest with your daughter. Tell her you’re helping your niece as she’s in a very bad place at the moment and that your daughter should be grateful she is not suffering as her cousin is.

I’d ignore all the little gripes and snipes or laugh at them in front of her.

Your daughter maybe deeply unhappy herself or depressed or jealous or be neuro divergent and never diagnosed OR she could just be a cold fish 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Please don’t let her upset you any further, it’s none of her business what you choose to do or with whom.

I wish you and your niece and her family all the best.

Oopsadaisy1

It sounds as though your daughter is on the Autistic spectrum and probably can’t help that she has no empathy.
That doesn’t help though, in her working life she has probably got away with being detached, but by now she should have learned some life skills to help her with day to day family life.

I think a sit down and a proper chat would help, you can tell her that your niece needs you and try to establish why your DD is how she is.

You just beat me to it! Sounds to me like she is on the autistic spectrum so life is pretty much all about her and her interests or her job.

How you broach this with her is probably not going to be easy but if you could somehow get her to agree to being assessed that would be a great start.

I agree with the last two posts. I too have a daughter a bit like this. I love her, but I feel a bit intimidated. I have recently thought about it and decided to be a bit more assertive, which I have done. You don't have to be confrontational but we shouldn't be afraid to be assertive. It's possible to change how you react. you will feel better about yourself, even if she doesn't change.

It sounds as though your daughter is on the Autistic spectrum and probably can’t help that she has no empathy.
That doesn’t help though, in her working life she has probably got away with being detached, but by now she should have learned some life skills to help her with day to day family life.

I think a sit down and a proper chat would help, you can tell her that your niece needs you and try to establish why your DD is how she is.

Good advice from Smileless.. she is absolutely correct that you need to establish boundaries and stand up to her. You sound like a lovely caring, kind woman and what you are doing for your neice and by default your sister as well, is exemplory and probably very necessary given todays NHS situation.. How could you not help and support her? and why doesn't your DD have your compassion and kindness?

Your DD obviously has her own issues. If you feel unable to actually confront her you could just stand back a little, be less available and never respond emotionally to her rudeness.. Stay calm at all times so she can begin to reflect on her behaviour... she might even have MH issues that have not been recognised..