How should I deal with bitchy neighbours in my retirement complex?

Jealousy is an awful
Thing. That’s what my mum used to
Say, it makes people bitter. Just do What others have advised. Ignore the gossips, another one or mums quotes “ if they’re talking about you they’re leaving everyone else alone”, sad people are everywhere. You stay in your home! Ignore the gossips they’re not worth your time. Please keep us updated on how you get on in the next few months. Summer is a coming, plenty of days to go out. Hopefully. Enjoy xxx

I previously worked in sheltered housing complex’s and in my experience I found nearly all of them had some rather unpleasant residents. Some were very opinionated and some very rude. I don’t mean to tar all with the same brush but in my experience a couple of residents unpleasant attitudes can change the whole ethos of these housing schemes. They are also very difficult to mange sadly.

Just say, I don’t like to gossip or speak badly about other people. That gives a firm indication that you are not into that type of thing and they will soon not involve you. Don’t move, carry on as you would and realize some people have little in their lives to amuse themselves so they resort to gossip to make their dull lives feel more exciting. Feel sorry for these people as they waste time and energy on negative things. Negativity attracts more negativity.

I imagine all retirement complexes are much of a muchness.

Cast your mind back to your teenage years of school. How did you deal with this kind of thing then?

Ignoring comments is sometimes best. On other occasions you need to say something like "I'm surprise you think that about A - she is always so pleasant to me." This kind answer shows that you do not intend to join in ill-natured gossip.

If it doesn't work, you could try Grannie's dictum: "If you have nothing nice to say of a person, hold your tongue!"

Just completely ignore it.

What a poisonous atmosphere in which to live and I'm really sorry for you .
Just don't reply or change the subject .
If it's intolerable then consider moving , but it's a risk - the next lot could be worse !
In my experience , nasty , unhappy people don't morph into sweet elderly people .
I did a great deal of voluntary work at my church prior to and over Easter and I'd like to write that it was enjoyable , pleasant and fulfilling
It wasn't .
I'm actually reeling from the shock .
Even on Easter Monday , I had more rudeness .
I came home in tears .
I can now see that our Vicar has a huge problem with her ageing congregation .

I live in a small detached house. I know nothing about what goes on in my immediate community and am not interested. Most of my neighbours dont even know my name and certainly not that I run an international antiques business. Ive always felt that the less your neighbours know about you the better. They are just random people who happen to live near. You didnt pick them.

I would probably not like one of these retirement complexes and if I lived in one would keep myself to myself. If I walk out of a room it would never occur to me to worry about what people said about me as soon as my back was turned. I dont have the headspace to care what others think.

Things like that are horrible. I am now 73. 50 years ago I assumed that by now I would have got to the stage where such rubbish didn't bother me. It still would, sadly, but not as much. The thing is leapyearnan it happens everywhere, if you move there's no guarantee it would be better, and the best thing is to ignore it, behave impeccably yourself, and smile.

In answer to TerriBull, well, people get together at any age, for love, closeness, romance and - yes - sex. Why would you at 'that age'? - to make the best of the years left to you!! I think it's sadly ageist to criticise that, but also a pity that it's not apparently worked out too well. That also happens at all ages - we still make mistakes, we still have romantic dreams, we still may not see prospective partners clearly. Relationships are so often 'the triumph of hope over experience'! I hope I'm still 'hoping' at 91!

although very difficult to do, i use silence when people are nasty etc, I often kick myself for not biting back, but that is what they want.These vile people do not know you,so how can they pass on such poison? Avoid them as best you can, unfortunately they can be anywhere.

It happens in every group of people, you will have to learn to ignore it.

I imagine it is more prevelant in those sort of places as there will be more people with nothing to do other than involve themselves in the lives of others.

Let's face it; bitchiness amongst elderly people is no more different than trolling by ( presumably) much younger age groups on social media. There's only one answer to either - ignore.

I’d stay unfortunately women like 5hat are everywhere speaking from experience , my next door neighbour has caused so much trouble for me now I blank everyone in the street they are all as bad as each other. I have a few nice friends and that is what matters I’m sure you have too or find new ones joining a group

When my late mother moved into a sheltered housing complex we thought it might help her be less dependent on us,her daughters.Sadly she encountered a lot of bitchyness and downright bullying .The problem it seemed was she knew all the men in the complex some had played golf with my dad ,some had worked with him and some he just knew from other parts of his life,he sang semi professionally,for charities.
Single men are like gold dust in these places and a lot of the women weren't happy that they spoke to mum more than any other women.My mother wasn't interested in forming a new relationship after dad died and she was taken aback at the attitude she found directed at her,consequently she stopped spending time in the social areas of the complex and stayed in her flat .She became completely dependent on my sister and I and was like this for a decade or so.Its very sad that some women cant see that men can be friends with women they've known all their lives without arguing over who has more right to have his company.

I don’t think many people change their personality when they get older so if they were bitchy or a trouble maker when they were younger they are probably just the same now.
Unfortunately where you get a lot of women together you will usually have a few like this, just like the workplace
I would have as little as possible to do with those people and if they start gossiping to you neither agree or disagree just change the subject.

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travelsafar

Recently moving into a scheme myself I can relate to this.
If its several people passing unkind comments behind someone's back I will say we are suppose to be kind to each other. Any other gossip I shrug my shoulders and say nothing or I don't know.

I agree. Whilst amusing retorts can make you feel better, actually they can fuel the fire.
I rarely get anything like this, but very occasionally someone in our village will say something. My usual responses are along the lines of 'I don't know / haven't heard anything about that' ; and sometimes old sayings something like 'I speak as I find', 'live and let live'.
Any of these indicate that you're not joinng in, but not being unpleasant either.

Front it out. Next time you hear her say 'That sounds a bit bitchy I wonder what they say about YOU behind your back' Then move away from where they are sitting /standing. Just don't mix with her and if you hear she bitches about you ignore it.
I know people who make bitchy comments and if they say "oh I'm such a bitch " I agree and remind them its hurtful and they don't like it but hopefully they do later reflect on my words.

Bitchy people are everywhere and at any age . I’ve also worked in health care and in a mainly female environment. My way of dealing with gossip and bitchy comments is to not show any interest and shrug and say I wouldn’t know or I haven’t noticed. I’ve been called standoffish because I don’t get involved. I was there to do a job not get involved in a toxic environment.
My mother lives in a retirement complex , and yes there are a few women who are busybodies and love a gossip. My dm has learned to avoid them. She now has mobility issues and is quite deaf and rarely goes to the social events .
OP if you’re happy in your flat , give it some time and if you encounter the gossip mongers maybe politely disengage with them and use the I wouldn’t know technique. Good luck

Astitchintime

Moving home might be a jump out of the frying pan and into the fire, chances are you will be met with the same situation wherever you live.

Passing bitchy comments about others is no different to bullying in my opinion and sadly some people thrive on being as cruel, mean and unpleasant as they possibly can.

Why should you move out simply because someone has an evil mind and a vicious tongue?

If your present home suits your needs then stay put, rise above the bitchiness - you will soon identify who to associate with, and carry on being a pleasant, friendly person. You will soon attract nice people who have no doubt been on the receiving end of the bitchiness themselves.

Very appropriate and wise advice.

Ignore them, be bigger than they are.

Sometimes unpleasant things are said even on beloved groups such as this one that are hurtful. The older some people get, unfortunately, they still have to find things unpleasant to say, perhaps it makes them feel good and that they still have a voice in the community. I do hope you can rise above it and enjoy your home.

Some sensible advice on here, especially about the possible "frying pan to fire" issue if moving.

The recent thread about "snappy retorts" should help people, in general the theme was "ignore -- rise above", but there were a few polite suggested remarks to try and gently puncture the odd nasty balloon.

I saw one comment here about "available men are like gold dust in these places". That reminds me, a chap I know delivered prescriptions for a year or two, just filling in for drivers on holiday or sick for a day or two, a nice little pin-money job he called it, and not every day. Inevitably some retirement complexes were on his rounds. He did say once that he found it very odd, if he happened to go to a home when it was 'morning coffee time' in the Lounge, or 'afternoon quiz' time, that he found himself being looked at or spoken to as if he was Brad Pitt -- when he knew full well he looked more like Old Steptoe!

Please do not let a small minority spoil it for you. Try and brush it off and keep yourself busy with people that you like and also your hobbies and crafts. They will soon get bored!

There may be an excuse for some of the bad behaviour in that disinhibition, paranoia and insensitivity to social cues can be early signs of dementia. The other aspect of communal living is adjustment to being cheek by jowl with others. It happens in student accommodation too! Try to rise above it if you can.

a number of comments , all jumbled up
but
1. if they are talking about you then they are not talking about somebody else
2. the stupid comments will hurt but to what degree? can you give a grading ? 1 for you can shrug it off and 10 it hurts you to the core?
3. if you could give up a body part to stop the stupid talk then what would it be? a little finger or a leg?
the latter helps to give you some perspective

maybe smile and walk away - the bully hates that!