Married 30 years. He came from a very poor background. I pushed myself in my career to achieve a comfortable standard of living for us so we could buy our own house. There’s never been much emotional connection but we live together in the same house without any dramas and we are there for each other in emergencies. He has always prioritised his sport often going away at weekends when I would look after the kids and house. I wanted to be with the kids I wanted that family thing but he was absent most of the time and at birthdays and especial occasions doing his sport. Fast forward I have taken redundancy and early retirement for which I worked and saved hard. I live my own life, do my own things. He now also wants to retire early but as hes never progressed much above minimum wage his pension pot is very small. His unspoken expectation is that I will fund this including the travelling that we’d both like to do. We’ve always shared our money equally regardless of who contributed the most but now I feel resentful. My standard of living in retirement will have to drop considerably to fund his early retirement. I know I need a conversation but I feel so guilty having to say I’m not prepared to sub him. I wonder if men (who of our generation are usually the main earners) feel this way when they sub their wives in retirement? My husband is a practical man. He’s never felt the need for emotional connection. He spent my 60th birthday away with his club and didn’t even manage to say “happy birthday”to me which I found more hurtful than if he’d actually forgotten my birthday. I’ve toughened myself up over the years but Sometimes I feel like a door mat. He does his share of cooking and he looks after the garden and does the DIY. He’s not a horrible person, but why would someone expect their wife to fund their (very) early retirement? If I were in his shoes I would work for longer to “make up” my financial contribution so that we could be more of an equal footing. How do I have the conversation without sounding bitter or angry and without putting him down?
Bursting, you say:
We’ve always shared our money equally regardless of who contributed the most
- so given that, it is a bit odd that now, suddenly you expect this to change. Other than you retiring, has something else happened in your life?
Did you not have a major financial discussion when you were made redundant and decided to retire at that point? Did it not include some conversation about how long he would carry on working?
It seems a bit one-sided if you made your decisions at that time without involving him, yet expect to have some say now, with the implication that he cannot take early retirement. I can see the financial need for him to work if only to fund his sporting activities.
Jackiest - we discussed this type of scenario a few weeks ago.
After years staying at home the husband suddenly wanted the wife to work.
nadateturbe
I don't think the financial thing is the issue. It doesn't matter who earns most, male or female. I would be more concerned about the lack of wanting to be a loving partner.
I agree with this.
You have to think what you want in retirement.If you split up then he would still get half including your pension.If you want to stay in the marriage make sure he knows that not much money will be there for sport related things.You can spin this by saying you’ll be using money to do things together.
Do not fund his hobbies, he needs to put in equal share of household utilities, it's not your fault he did not want to progress much above a minimum wage job, and loved his hobbies.
A spreadsheet is a good idea,show him how much he needs to contribute to be able to retire early.
Women spent years campaigning against the assumption that just because a man earned more than the women he is entitled to more control of the money and more on divorce. What would we be saying if a woman posted that her husband expected her to work longer as she did not earn as much as him.
Talk to him. Just talk. Doesn’t matter if you sound bitter or whatever. Until you’ve done that everything else is guesswork. After that you can make your choices. And if divorce is the answer and if he is entitled to half then just do it and embrace the rest of your life. Good luck.
There must have been something nice in the beginning, perhaps work on getting that back rather than money having such divisive power
Great advice.
I can't believe how many people seem to think that the money going into the joint pot needs to be the same from each partner. In my own wider family there are families with massive income discrepancies and I'd hate to see this money-focus grow there.
My own income is a fraction of my husband's and we share what we have according to our needs and preferences. When I inherited from my parents that was our money and we spent it both together and separately.
Please look at what you have aside from money!
OP can you go part-time ie semi retirement with both putting equal amounts into a joint bills pot, then `pocket money` for each of you
It is a sad situation, I am one of those, as soon as we were married, we shared eveything and he funded me when I retired, no question
I get the impression that you are both to blame for what seems a very cold marriage. There must have been something nice in the beginning, perhaps work on getting that back rather than money having such divisive power
I think this all sounds a bit sad on counts. Have a really good think about what you actually want and then have that conversation with him.
You don’t mention your children or if you have any grandchildren? Just wondered what your AC might think.
Life is very short and very precious, think and act very carefully.
I don't think the financial thing is the issue. It doesn't matter who earns most, male or female. I would be more concerned about the lack of wanting to be a loving partner.
This seems to depend on how you wish your retirement to be lived. If you wish to go travelling... whether you wish to go together or alone.. There certainly needs to be some realistic planning here. As he has chosen to prioritise sport over you and the family I would tend towards making plans for yourself.
Maybe you could just fund your own activities and have a joint fund that covers the basics to keep the house afloat..
But he needs to be aware of the financial implications of his early retirement..
It seems to me that you married an emotionally unavailable man and have supported him financially for the last 30 years.
Start a spreadsheet with your pension as the only income and list all your outgoings, everything including food shopping, car tax, petrol. Show it to your husband as prove that it is not feasible for both of you to retire early on just one pension.
Tell him you expect him to pay half towards the monthly outgoings and fund his own hobbies ie, going away to play his sports.
It’s a cliche I know, but relate councilling may help you both to help discuss this issue in a calm manner together, with a third person present. Much less emotive!
I would ask him how he intends to fund this early retirement??Youve let him walk all over you for the whole of your marriage. Time to stop.
Divorce is not always the answer, you will have to share everything. Get him to explain how he is going to pay half the bills with no money coming in?? MIGHT make him stop and think.
If it was an unspoken assumption what led you to know what he expects.
Babyshark
Was your reference let him coast in your marriage a reference to his lower paid jobs.
You’re in a difficult position, legally your assets including pension are shared.
Sadly you’ve let him coast in your marriage for too long and now he legally has all the rights in this scenario.
Just bear in mind that your financial assets will be shared 50:50 if you divorce...
That is what I was thinking. But wasnt sure of my facts.
You need to ask yourself how much value you put on your marriage; you don't get much emotional support and I wonder if you would be happier living independently.
Just bear in mind that your financial assets will be shared 50:50 if you divorce...
AGAA4
In a loving relationship it doesn't matter who earns what. Money is pooled and becomes 'our money.'
Your husband doesn't sound very loving to me. He sounds selfish. It's hurtful that he he doesn't take time out of his sports to celebrate your birthday.
What exactly are you getting from this relationship?
This is true but the OP doesn't sound loving either. I would ask what are either of you getting from this relationship?
Those of us fortunate enough to have found a true love would not feel resentful sharing our pension pot in order to do things together (whilst still able).
Does he want to retire early because you are retired?
You need to ask him directly how he proposes to fund his future retirement, and have a very frank look at future financial needs and expenditure, including his sporting activities.
You sound as though you feel as if you have earned your retirement; he sounds as though he has coasted through his life with your support being taken entirely for granted.
You need to ask yourself how much value you put on your marriage; you don't get much emotional support and I wonder if you would be happier living independently.
In a loving relationship it doesn't matter who earns what. Money is pooled and becomes 'our money.'
I agree with this. But I appreciate not everyone would.
How early is his early retirement? 1 year? 5 years or more?
presumably this was not an arranged marriage.
you picked him.
did you have to get married.
did you not notice these traits before you married.
did you not discuss what you expected of family life, what your ideal would be.
basically it sounds like you accepted a kind of marriage of convenience for many years.
if you want to change the set-up now, you will have to think how you will proceed and the implications.
Isn,t marriage supposed to be a partnership? I think as far as I remember vows to "share my worldly goods".Probably not the correct wording but.....! My DH had a far higher salary than I had and obviously his pension(private) is higher than mine.This has never been an issue between us.We each have our personal money but everything else is" shared ".No arguments about who pays for what!
It sounds as though him coming from a poor background and never progressing much above the minimum wage is a cause of resentment. Sad to think that after 30 years of marriage there is no emotional connection. That does not bode well for a happy retirement together.
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