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(5 Posts)
Bursting Tue 02-Apr-24 09:25:23

Married 30 years. He came from a very poor background. I pushed myself in my career to achieve a comfortable standard of living for us so we could buy our own house. There’s never been much emotional connection but we live together in the same house without any dramas and we are there for each other in emergencies. He has always prioritised his sport often going away at weekends when I would look after the kids and house. I wanted to be with the kids I wanted that family thing but he was absent most of the time and at birthdays and especial occasions doing his sport. Fast forward I have taken redundancy and early retirement for which I worked and saved hard. I live my own life, do my own things. He now also wants to retire early but as hes never progressed much above minimum wage his pension pot is very small. His unspoken expectation is that I will fund this including the travelling that we’d both like to do. We’ve always shared our money equally regardless of who contributed the most but now I feel resentful. My standard of living in retirement will have to drop considerably to fund his early retirement. I know I need a conversation but I feel so guilty having to say I’m not prepared to sub him. I wonder if men (who of our generation are usually the main earners) feel this way when they sub their wives in retirement? My husband is a practical man. He’s never felt the need for emotional connection. He spent my 60th birthday away with his club and didn’t even manage to say “happy birthday”to me which I found more hurtful than if he’d actually forgotten my birthday. I’ve toughened myself up over the years but Sometimes I feel like a door mat. He does his share of cooking and he looks after the garden and does the DIY. He’s not a horrible person, but why would someone expect their wife to fund their (very) early retirement? If I were in his shoes I would work for longer to “make up” my financial contribution so that we could be more of an equal footing. How do I have the conversation without sounding bitter or angry and without putting him down?

Oopsadaisy1 Tue 02-Apr-24 11:00:31

Well at the moment you are second guessing him, so you will at least need to have the conversation.

Were you intending to go travelling and leave him at home? Or were you going to wait until he retires?

No matter, tell him that you can’t both retire as there won’t be enough money coming in to continue your standard of living.

If he digs his heels in then you have another conversation to mull over, before you make a decision.

AGAA4 Tue 02-Apr-24 11:11:44

In a loving relationship it doesn't matter who earns what. Money is pooled and becomes 'our money.'
Your husband doesn't sound very loving to me. He sounds selfish. It's hurtful that he he doesn't take time out of his sports to celebrate your birthday.
What exactly are you getting from this relationship?

Theexwife Tue 02-Apr-24 12:01:20

People will treat you the way you let them, he would not know about your resentment as you seem to have put his needs first since being together.

I would tell him in a calm manner that you will not be sharing your money, remembering this will come as a surprise to him.

This has come up on here before but with the roles reversed, with most replies being scathing towards the man earning more and complaining that the wife did not contribute the same.

Judy54 Tue 02-Apr-24 13:26:24

It sounds as though him coming from a poor background and never progressing much above the minimum wage is a cause of resentment. Sad to think that after 30 years of marriage there is no emotional connection. That does not bode well for a happy retirement together.