Gransnet forums

Relationships

Need to make a decision

(18 Posts)
kittyhawk Wed 03-Apr-24 17:38:58

I’m 64 and need advice. For 14 years I’ve been in a relationship with a man who I’ve never truly loved. I met him on line when I’d finished another longish relationship with a bachelor who wouldnt/couldn’t commit. I went with DP as he was and is steady and kind. Also he flattered me and I wasn’t used to it! He’s happy to live in a slovenly way and I’ve done loads of cleaning in his house but I don’t want to live in it with him. I’m retired now and my two DD's are many miles away, settled. I’ve no other family as my mum died in 2021 and my uncle who was like a dad in 2022. Actual dad died when I was young. No siblings. In 2022 I was diagnosed for a second time with breast cancer. First time was 2005. DD was supportive. How come I can’t have the right feelings? I have some friends but they’re all married and living in different places. I feel very lonely and depressed. Atm I’m staying at DDs. I need to either move out and away ( scared) or commit to the relationship. What a mess.

fancythat Wed 03-Apr-24 17:55:38

Do you want the man as a friend, even if you dont move in with him? Have you been living with him for 14 years?
Is he your closest friend?

Would you consider living with the man in a different house?

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 03-Apr-24 18:08:44

I’m so sorry to hear of your diagnosis and hope you have had successful treatment.

It sounds as though you don’t have deep feelings for this man, and his habits will only annoy you more as the years pass, until you are too old to do anything about it. You say he is kind, steady and has flattered you, which you weren’t used to. But that really isn’t enough and you say you don’t have ‘the right feelings’ and don’t want to live with him. I would suggest that you try to find somewhere close to one of your daughters. Yes, it will be an upheaval - but better to do that now while you still can than spend the rest of your life in this relationship - from which I suspect he is gaining much more than you are. You know that at this stage of his life he won’t change, nor should you be expected to. Good luck!

TinSoldier Wed 03-Apr-24 18:14:41

I'm confused. Are you living in his house and don't want to live there anymore or do you have your own home that you could sell and move to be nearer to your family? How do yout divide your time at the moment with your partner?

Are you well now or still undergoing treatment? That may influence whether you stay in the same area, under the same healthcare team. Has your partner been been supportive through your treatment?

You are retired but still two years away from state pension age so have some extra income to look forward to. Is your partner still working? If so, have you discussed what you might do when you are both retired?

If you are already feeling lonely in a relationship, making that leap to being single again shouldn't be so very hard. Fourteen years is a long time but if there’s no love, staying just out of habit and a fear of leaving isn’t going to make you happy.

If he’s a decent man, if a bit slovenly, you need to talk to him about how you feel.

kittyhawk Wed 03-Apr-24 18:39:33

I've been staying with him as I gave up the tenancy of a nearby house, put my things in store and am temporarily here. ( Since Christmas) My late uncle left me some money so I could buy my own place now. I'm in remission from breast cancer, on tamoxifen. DP has been supportive and he is decent. It would be good if I felt differently! Thanks for your replyx

kittyhawk Wed 03-Apr-24 18:40:58

Thank you! ❤

kittyhawk Wed 03-Apr-24 18:47:12

I haven't been living with him. Only since Christmas. I think the slovenliness and lack of interest in home improvement and maintenance have impacted more since then. I think we'd just take the problems to another house if he/we moved. I think I would be friends with him and, yes, I supposec atm he is my closest friend - in a way. Thanks

Urmstongran Wed 03-Apr-24 18:48:31

I wonder if maybe having your inherited money (enabling you to buy your own place) is what has brought this to the fore after 14 years? Before, you didn’t have choices and now you do.
🤔

BlueBelle Wed 03-Apr-24 18:54:59

Do you know kittyhawk there is so much good in living on your own and are you being fair to a decent man to be with him when you don’t actually love or care for him what’s the point ? Just because you don’t want to be alone is that fair ?
You must be so pleased youre in remission why not widen your horizons get out and about more join some groups make some friends you ve been given a second chance at life are you taking it ? or just treading water make some new resolutions to start living with this second chance but be kind to the man as he doesn’t sound as if he’s none anything wrong except not float your boat ….poor chap

storynanny Wed 03-Apr-24 19:02:49

In my experience, if you don’t love him after 14 years then it’s never going to happen. I married a kind, decent man after escaping an abusive marriage with two toddlers in tow. He persuaded me that I would eventually love him and I stayed for 15 years and had a child with him. He was a good person, a good friend and an excellent dad and step dad and I tried so hard to make that be enough.
But I always knew ( and so did he, I never lied to him) that I’d never be able to love him in a romantic/ passionate/emotional way . I was always secretly so envious of my married friends who were so happy with their spouses.
Eventually after much heartache and counselling I made the decision to leave
Since then I’ve met the love of my life and we’ve been together 20 years.
By the way, we did remain really good friends ( which is all we should ever have been) until he died recently

Allsorts Wed 03-Apr-24 19:10:45

Get your own place, stay friends, go on holiday on your own, do more things without him. Go for it.

storynanny Wed 03-Apr-24 19:11:40

All sorts, I agree

storynanny Wed 03-Apr-24 19:13:42

Didn’t finish writing
I started to do more things on my own and it brought home to me even more that the marriage I was in wasn’t right.

Primrose53 Wed 03-Apr-24 19:18:07

Agree with two above. You are in a very fortunate position to be able to buy a property so do so and enjoy it on your own. He sounds a nice man so he should understand that you need your space. You can still holiday together, go out etc as a couple.

Coolgran65 Wed 03-Apr-24 20:04:58

I agree with Primrose53.
Have your own place and take it from there.

kittyhawk Wed 03-Apr-24 22:06:09

Grateful for this advice. Thank-you! I will get my own place and start doing things. I've been very mired in it all!

Jillykins3 Thu 04-Apr-24 11:31:48

64 is still young these days. You will be fine and it's so fortunate that you didn't marry him. Get out there.... find a property and enjoy the rest of your life. Good Luck Kittyhawk.

Katie59 Thu 04-Apr-24 14:36:35

Now you have the money buy your own place, but keep him as a friend, as you say he is decent and supportive, see how you feel a few months after the has helped you get your new house in order.
He isn’t going to change, that does not mean he can’t support you for now, you will feel better when you make the positive decision.