My husband is so Grumpy

This thread is 14 moths old I doubt any advice is now relevant
There ve either sorted it out or no longer together either way we ll never know

He doesn’t need to go to the doctors unless you think he’s depressed. His grumpiness is an attitude.

How I empathise. If I was in my sixties I would leave. But I’ve left it too late.

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It seems to be a common theme with a lot of older men, the Victor Meldrew syndrome.
If DP is ranting on about something I hardly listen, fortunately it’s not all the time.
I don’t know what to suggest OP but don’t allow him or family to browbeat you.

amazing62 - I’m not saying this is the case with you, but my Ex was very grumpy for the last 2 years of our marriage. Nothing I did was right. Nothing I wore was right. Guess what? He had been having an affair. Finally left me and married her. I repeat, I’m not saying this is the case with your husband .

My husband went through a mega grumpy phase but he was depressed and ill. I was sorry that I hadn't picked it up earlier. He has settled down now that we have moved house but he still rails against modern society.

I notice that a lot of wives would prefer to live alone, after retiring. I wonder if that is because they want to stop working.

I agree with pascal30 that inbetweeners' sentence is very touching and beautiful. I've copied it down in a notebook of things I want to remember. I love looking at clouds.

amazing62 you are in a truly horrible situation and you will have to live up to your GN name. You must have loved the grumpy git once, if you can remember that.
But your OH is obvously miserable, frightened, feeling guilty maybe. Is he still smoking?? And what about your own COPD? Have you had that confirmed?
I'm actually surprised that he would have enough puff to cope with cleaning the patio.
I send all best wishes and hope that you and your OH find some way of facing this difficult stage together.

inbetweeners

I feel for you amazing62, I’m trying to think of a way out of my 20 year relationship- it’s harder when you’re older - I’m 67 - and I have built a business and home with him. But he’ll never change, he’s a controlling, unkind person - unless we’re in public… like others have said, try and enjoy some special moments all by yourself. I sat in a chair watching the clouds moving across the sky at dusk last night, it gave me strength somehow.

What a touching final sentence Inbetweeners. I so hope you find some peace and happiness in your future,,,

inbetweeners

I feel for you amazing62, I’m trying to think of a way out of my 20 year relationship- it’s harder when you’re older - I’m 67 - and I have built a business and home with him. But he’ll never change, he’s a controlling, unkind person - unless we’re in public… like others have said, try and enjoy some special moments all by yourself. I sat in a chair watching the clouds moving across the sky at dusk last night, it gave me strength somehow.

…think that’s where I’m at currently, too.

I feel for you amazing62, I’m trying to think of a way out of my 20 year relationship- it’s harder when you’re older - I’m 67 - and I have built a business and home with him. But he’ll never change, he’s a controlling, unkind person - unless we’re in public… like others have said, try and enjoy some special moments all by yourself. I sat in a chair watching the clouds moving across the sky at dusk last night, it gave me strength somehow.

I can't see that asking your husband to clean the patio slabs counts as unreasonable.
How do your adult children feel about your husband being grumpy towards the grandchildren?

I agree you could benefit from talking through your options with someone: marriage guidance, CAB?

It might be as well to try and formulate some sort of plan, if you feel that badly about things.

Just knowing you have other options might help you to feel better.

Hi to all,

Thank-you for your advise very help full
Because I asked Anthony to Jet wash outside because all the patio stones were fithy when he went up to my sons for the jet wash back he told him about me saying about outside my Son phoned me up and had a go at me because I wanted it clean so all I get is no support from my adult children either they R all on his side so I told him I am sticking up for myself it's up to me how I want things not anyone else.
I would luv to live on my own but don't know how to get out of this mess as Anthony & family R controlling.

Amazing62.

I’m not sure what age he is, but if his personality has suddenly changed, then perhaps he needs to see his GP to check es not got the onset of something like Dementia.

From experience with my own parents drugs to control this do best if given early.💐

You have my utter sympathy.. I simply couldn't live with a smoker.. especially one who smokes in the house. is there any way you could move out?

You have my utter sympathy.

I have the world's most miserable teen here, at times, and it really gets me down.

The weather is brightening up now although slowly get yourself out more. Your dh is ill and it’s frustrating but he is not helping himself and obviously takes no notice of advice. Don’t let him drag you down with his anger and frustration prepare lunch for him and arrange to go out.
There is plenty you can do be it go the library visit friends volunteer work. Make your time matter it’s your life and you only get one.

He has COPD due to his smoking and he is probably having trouble accepting it’s his own fault and accepting he won’t get better.

I know somebody who was in a similar situation and her husband was truly vile and swore at everybody including GP and nurses who visited him at home.

When he goes off on one again tell him you feel sorry for yourself too but it’s HIS fault you have COPD due to him filling your home with smoke.

Do you have any family who could speak to him?

Yesterday , I had an enjoyable chat with my neighbour in the front garden .
I was gardening .
Moving to the back garden , I reflected
that she can't have been in the house for one minute when I heard her husband in the kitchen ranting and raving .
He's always complaining about everything including their children .
Every other word is
f--k .
No wonder , she can't stand being with him
As men age they often get grumpier .
Your husband has COPD , due to his smoking and he knows that his health will continue to deteriorate .
As you have it from passive smoking - you aren't well either .
I went through this with my difficult , easily angered and
inflexible father .
He was diagnosed with COPD after a bout of double pneumonia .
He actually increased his consumption of cigarettes until he was house bound , bed ridden and on oxygen
In my experience , there is nothing that you can do to help .
Enjoy your own life as much as possible .
Think about doing things , which make you happy .
Sending you hugs 💐 .

Ask yourself has he always been like this it’s just that as you are around each other more you find it more irritating

I certainly have similar experience as do a number of my friends
The moaning and irritability seems to get worse with age and they become more selfish /dont listen/wont help
I’m struggling to find a way forward too it’s very unpleasant

At the risk of sounding horribly sexist, I have found that men tend to become far more miserable than women as they age. This is compounded further if they have poor health.

I am sure this is a result of them having been "looked after" most of their lives, unlike women who have had to put themselves at the bottom of the pecking order.

I doubt there's much you can do about it unfortunately except to look him in the eyes and tell him calmly but firmly that you refuse to put up with his unpleasantness any longer and that you will be seeking a divorce. Ask him if he fully understands what you are saying and the implications thereof.