Adult early 30's - very difficult.

Why is it that the Mother is always the punch-bag ? I know, because I am one. I have difficult relationships with 2 of my 3 children. I’m always walking on eggshells. I can’t do right for doing wrong. I don’t think there could be a moodier daughter than mine. First I blamed it on her PMT and now, I put it down to the Menopause 😂 - can’t win. Daisy25 you’re not alone.

Thank you all for the advice and feedback.
Tbh I’m just giving myself some space from her. I’m fed up of being on this negative loop with her. She’s treated me badly in the main since she was a teen and you’d think after 20 years she’d realise that being so unkind and a bully isn’t good for either of us. Just so bored of being her punch bag. I actually feel relief in a way that I don’t have to put up with her nastiness anymore. I’m glad I’ve finally had the strength to tell her what I actually think of how she’s treated me. Someone has to break such a toxic relationship. I just couldn’t put up with it anymore. For all my faults and my forgiveness towards her and unconditional love, in the past few years I’ve seen no kindness, empathy, compassion or love from her towards me. She’s always wanting the next gift, money, or ignores my texts or calls. Why she would continue this way is beyond me. I’ve told her I was exhausted from it all, but still no understanding. Just more of the same insults. Thank you for giving me some strength to stand up for myself. I just wish I’d done it years ago.

When she says something unpleasant and unwarranted, use the grey rock method. Totally blank her; you didn't hear it, you can't see her, she's not there. And continue with that until she changes her attitude, at which point you can resume normal behaviour. Do that every time she does it. Bullies hate being ignored.

Daisy, very good advice. By distancing she can figure out what her problem with you I also think the comment that Grantantes father made was spot on. My d was just as you say with me before we estranged, I put up with it, hoping it would stop as she got older, it didn’t, I eventually distanced, we have been estranged for years, I obviously got on her nerves but it was what she wanted. I do blame myself but I can’t change myself,
I just wasn’t the type of mother she needed.Perhaps if inhad done as advised we wouldn't have been. Why do we put up with unacceptable behaviour from a d that we wouldn't from someone else.
I do hope she realises that she’s been to you and you get a good relationship.

Distance is probably the answer...Maybe text her once a week.. "Hi how you doing, how's the family? All good here x" sort of text. If she wants you to do something and you can't it's "sorry hon but I'm out that day, don't have the money to lend you right now, etc" but be precise as to why it's no...if you get abuse back a simp!e "Im sorry you feel like that, but I still can't help you out" ... If she keeps up abuse it's "I'm still sorry, but I still can't help you out" on repeat..She sound's manipulative and, sadly, not a very nice person, unless she gets 100% her own way...she's an adult and responsible for herself and the way she behaves...she can learn to do better!

People will treat you the way you let them, so well done you for standing up for yourself now, dont give in stand your ground and she will realise her rude behaviour will not have an effect on you any more.

go low contact.
good luck.

Daisy I've decided I just can't be bothered with the conflict and judgemental behaviour from her anymore. Am I being unreasonable?

No, not unreasonable.

Ignore her bad behaviour, engage when she is decent - rather like a toddler. Why bother with her if she is disgusting?

You need to put some distance between you Daisy and continue to stand up for yourself. There's nothing wrong IMO telling her when she's being rude and critical and that you will no longer tolerate it.

She'll continue to treat you this way only if 1) you allow her too and 2) give her the opportunity. Do neither .

fancythat

I was expecting you to say she is the same with others, but she is not.

She sounds very very angry at you.

What is she like with her dad and siblings?

Is there anyone else she is angry towards as well?

How has her life turned out for her so far?

Well she can be a bit bolshy with anyone who doesn't do as she says or wants...
She's generally angry if she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it...
She's find with anyone else as long as they do what she wants, she is fine with me when she wants something....
Her life is good....house, car, husband, amazing job, fantastic holidays...few health issues, but she can sort those out.

I love her, but don't like her at the moment, I think I created a monster always being too soft and bringing up a spoilt child. I blame myself.

M0nica

I do think that making comments about her behaviour is not helpful. One thing I never do is criticise my children and their behaviour, I just ride it out.

That and appear unaffected by what she says There is nothing more more pointless than constantly criticising someone who takes no notice of what you say and doesn;t react.

So : new rule 1, never criticise your daughter to herself or any one else, rule 2 take no notice of her criticisms of you, she will realise soon or later how pointless it is to criticise someone who takes no notice.

Hi,
I never ever used to say anything about her behaviour, yet she always criticised me.....it's taken me years to stand up for myself as I felt I was being bullied.

I'm going to take your advice though....I have decided to take some time out from her, and get space between us. I'm also not going to let her criticism or nasty comments affect me. I won't take notice of them and ignore them.

Thank you for your advice.

I was expecting you to say she is the same with others, but she is not.

She sounds very very angry at you.

What is she like with her dad and siblings?

Is there anyone else she is angry towards as well?

How has her life turned out for her so far?

Continue what you have just started. The fact that she doesn't like it rather suggests that she knows she is being unreasonable.

Could you possibly get yourself to tell her not to be so judgemental and downright rude to you?

At 35 she should know how to behave towards others, which she obviously doesn't, so a sharp, metaphorical, slap in the face is what she needs.

At about her age, I made a remark my father did not appreciate, and when he said to me "You are too old to be corrected, so I shall have to put up with what you said." I realised I had hurt him, and apologised.

You might want to copy his remark.

I do think that making comments about her behaviour is not helpful. One thing I never do is criticise my children and their behaviour, I just ride it out.

That and appear unaffected by what she says There is nothing more more pointless than constantly criticising someone who takes no notice of what you say and doesn;t react.

So : new rule 1, never criticise your daughter to herself or any one else, rule 2 take no notice of her criticisms of you, she will realise soon or later how pointless it is to criticise someone who takes no notice.

Good advice which I second.

I've no experience of this but my thoughts are I would take a step back from her for a while and act as if her behaviour wasn't bothering me in the least. It would mean building an imaginary wall betwen us and not allowing her in. I would usually recommend having a heart to heart but given you have tried this and it hasn't worked I would do as suggested. I'd then wait and see how long it takes for her to realise she needs to sort out her obvious issues and not take her problems out on others. You are not a dog to kick OP.