What would you do next...

I was sent this today....

which I thought was very interesting....I can relate to so much of it...

7 reasons to terminate relationships with family:

1. When the relationship is based in any kind of abuse, mentally, physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally. When the relationship is based in manipulation, overt or covert, you can be sure you are being used and abused. When you are living in constant anxiety never knowing or being able to predict how any engagement is going to turn out, it is time to love yourself enough to let go.

2. It is time to terminate a relationship when the only contact you have with them is negative. The contact you have with them serves to bring you down, put you down and/or make you feel you are not good enough, or you haven't done enough for them.

3. When the relationship creates so much stress that it affects the important areas of your life at work, home or both. When your emotions are totally caught up in defending yourself and wanting to explain yourself and the chaos of your relationships with these people is all you talk about, it is time to let go.

4. If you find yourself obsessed with the gossip about you and trying to right wrong information, and you are constantly being ostracized to the point you are losing sleep over it, you are becoming poisoned with their toxicity. Gossip only serves one family member to get others to gang up on you and you are left defenseless against the false beliefs about you being thrown your way. There is usually a ring leader gathering the troops for the assault and because they are joined together, you begin to wonder whether it is you that is the problem.

5. When the relationship is completely all about the other person and there is no real reason why the other person cannot make any effort toward the health and maintenance of the relationship with you. One sided relationships are set up for your failure. When you realize there is never going to be an "enough" place for you to reach in the relationship, you need to let go and start to focus on your own healing.

6. When and whether the relationship is only about borrowing or needing money.

7. When crazy-making, no-win games dominate the relationship such as the silent treatment, blame-games, no-win arguments that spin around on you, there is no point in continuing in this battle. Verbal warfare is never the place you will convince them of anything and these kinds of verbal interactions are set up to be their way or the highway. If these are the negative consequences you receive each time this person or people don't get their way, it is time to let go.

Great advice here Daisy25 I’d be very angry that she’s dragged your poor parents into all this.

Good luck and I truly hope your daughter realises how awfully badly she is behaving and how many people she’s hurting, probably including herself.

Your own well being should be your prime area of concern, and counselling for yourself, if you think it would help.

Angry people tend to see everything as the other person's fault, so nothing to do with them so therefore they do not need counselling.

M0nica

I would think the chances of the daughter here agreeing to any kind of counselling were less than zero.

Hi M0nica,
My D actually suggested it, as said earlier in the thread on page 1.
I'm open to it, but tbh I feel she needs to not be so angry, before it is viable for me as I previously explained. We both need a cooling off period.
I'm doing my best to build back my own self-esteem atm. She is a grown woman with a husband, when she softens (if ever) I may agree to it going forward.

HeavenLeigh

Why is she so angry there’s obv reasons behind it

HeavenLeigh,
I did reply to a similar question earlier in this thread, might be on page 1.

Why is she so angry there’s obv reasons behind it

M0nica

I would think the chances of the daughter here agreeing to any kind of counselling were less than zero.

I also think that the chance of her getting Dialectical behaviour therapy which I think she probably needs. (as she sounds Borderline Personality Disorder or Emotionally Unstable PD), is also zero given the state of the MHS now..

I would think the chances of the daughter here agreeing to any kind of counselling were less than zero.

This.

Daughters can be so difficult and middle sons 😂 got one of each , so I should know. My youngest is the sweetest boy ever. .Daisy25 is your daughter your only child? So probably a bit spoilt.? But there’s absolutely no need to take her anger out on your parents. My daughter has no one except me to take her frustrations out on. She was married to a lovely boy, but he gave up after 15 years. She works hard for her 2 children, who are in University. Like someone suggested, just keep out of her way, when she’s in one of those moods.
I hope things calm down as I’m sure it will.

But anyway, I answered the question in the title and that is what I would want to do

Wishing the best for this relationship and the people in it

I think that suggesting daughter start therapy and joining her later would be a step in the right direction

As a mother myself. I would be very concerned as to why this dynamic has formed and continued and daughter is the key to that information

That doesn't mean allowing abuse to continue. I am estranged myself from an abusive person who turned me down for joint counselling. It's a shame really, both parties do have to be willing to really hear each other and work through it together, on their own issues as well as their issues in the relationship

Smileless2012

This may well be the right time for Daisy's D to have therapy, therapy on an individual basis which could then be moved onto joint therapy if this was successful.

The last thing she needs is to put herself in a position where her D is able to verbally abuse her and Daisy is being advised by her therapist who in addition to being qualified, will of course have far more knowledge of the situation than anyone here.

Thanks Smileless, That’s more or less exactly what my Therapist has said.
We obviously need a cooling off period. We are both having separate therapy at the moment. If there is a time in the future where I feel comfortable and that it would be beneficial I would give it more thought. Now is definitely not the right time….we need space.

VioletSky

I don't understand why agreeing to do the thing you asked her to do is a "game plan"?

Given your description, the right time for her to have therapy is definitely now... This situation is impacting more people in the family and getting worse not better, why not seek help in a situation you are unable to control?

I would want professional support as soon as possible were my daughters mental health and behaviour as you describe.

That’s okay, you don’t need to understand. I am taking the advice from my Therapist as already shared.

This may well be the right time for Daisy's D to have therapy, therapy on an individual basis which could then be moved onto joint therapy if this was successful.

The last thing she needs is to put herself in a position where her D is able to verbally abuse her and Daisy is being advised by her therapist who in addition to being qualified, will of course have far more knowledge of the situation than anyone here.

I don't understand why agreeing to do the thing you asked her to do is a "game plan"?

Given your description, the right time for her to have therapy is definitely now... This situation is impacting more people in the family and getting worse not better, why not seek help in a situation you are unable to control?

I would want professional support as soon as possible were my daughters mental health and behaviour as you describe.

Smileless2012

I understand why joint counselling isn't a viable option for you Daisy.

The only time it would be right to try this would be if your D actually values her relationship with you enough to want to find a way of making it better. That certainly doesn't appear to be the case at the moment, and for your own sake very low or no contact does seem to be the best option.

It's good to know that you've talked to your mum and she understands the situation from your perspective. It's extremely upsetting and worrying when your AC tries to turn other family members against you, as I know only too well.

.

Thank you.

I was so upset that she has involved my parents....it seems rather immature of her and tbh a tactic that she has used before. I think she thinks by turning my family against me she is a winner....what she doesn't seem to appreciate is that every time she does this sort of thing I actually move further away from her and don't want to spend anytime with her at all.

VioletSky

Shame you won't go to therapy with her...

That would be the best course of action

VioletSky, as I said not saying I wouldn't, but it's not the right time so maybe in the future,
It's also a power-play on her part as she ignored it when I made the suggestion previously. It's part of her game playing, which as I've explained I will not let myself be part of anymore. I have suggested she gets help for herself. I think and have been advised that this is probably the best course of action at this time. To be fair, I am taking advice from my Therapist who actually knows the situation more deeply so I do trust them.

I understand why joint counselling isn't a viable option for you Daisy.

The only time it would be right to try this would be if your D actually values her relationship with you enough to want to find a way of making it better. That certainly doesn't appear to be the case at the moment, and for your own sake very low or no contact does seem to be the best option.

It's good to know that you've talked to your mum and she understands the situation from your perspective. It's extremely upsetting and worrying when your AC tries to turn other family members against you, as I know only too well.

.

Shame you won't go to therapy with her...

That would be the best course of action

Desdemona

Why is your daughter angry?

Who knows....we all make mistakes, it seems she may have a personality disorder, as doesn't seem capable of empathy towards me. I think she needs help to work out why she is so angry. It could be a many number of things.

I think mainly atm, it appears she is angry because I'm not showering her with gifts and money, something I have done over the years.

But due to her treatment of me in the last couple of years, I've stopped being so generous....even when I have been generous she never really thanked me. Very ungrateful.

I think my change in behaviour towards her has caused this anger...the fact is she's more angry because I'm not chasing her for forgiveness and wanting to see her. I stood my ground and it's annoyed her...so much that she has been telling tales to anyone that will listen to her, including my parents (her grandparents) This was the point where I actually cried and got upset, but still have not reacted to her....I have spoken to my parents on the advice given here, and relayed that I am sorry that she has involved them....and that I love them. Hopefully things will calm down and she will back off. But how I feel atm, is to have a complete break from her toxic ways towards me. Hopefully she will get the help she needs.

VioletSky

I would offer her some joint counselling to help mend your relationship

If that fails I would keep all communication positive by only responding to positive messages... Low contact

VioletSky,

Already did that some time ago (my suggestion)...she then recently demanded it of me if I was going to be part of her life...which I have declined. The thought of sitting in a room with her and a therapist atm just seems crazy...she is too angry and aggressive and tbh I'm fed up with her demands. She is a bully. Not capable of any empathy or concern. The only person she cares about in my relationship with her is herself and how she can bring me down. I will not put myself through anymore of this for the moment, I'm not saying I wouldn't in the future, but for now I think its best have no contact and like you say only respond to positive messages.

Why is your daughter angry?

I would offer her some joint counselling to help mend your relationship

If that fails I would keep all communication positive by only responding to positive messages... Low contact

Hmmmm, I always think there are 2 sides to every issue x

Could there be an issue with your daughter with mental health? I am saying that in the kindest of ways, I feel for you.

I have a friend who has 2 daughters and 1 of them is really terrible with her mum ( my friend )
My friend has said she believes her DD has some form of mental illness.

💐