Do you try to keep childcare (fairly) equal between your grandchildren?

I don’t keep tabs on what sorts and how often I help provide help with my grandchildren and so far as I know the siblings have no issue with the divide. We have five of our children and a whole little pack of grands now and we don’t do any regular childcare (we’ve not been asked and that’s how we all like it ) but we often watch for appointments or outings for the parents. Now that the older grands are getting to be more school aged we have started rotating taking one or a few for the weekend once or twice a year and that’s lovely. But we don’t start that until a certain age. We recently had our two grandaughters (by two different sons ) for the weekend and he best time - the girls are only a month or so apart in age . Soon it will be one of the grandsons turn. We do end up doing more one off child minding for some of the kids than others but it’s because they’ve asked and there is a need.

Sad to say but unfortunately in our situation mine and my Sil’s children ignored in favour of her own daughters children … fast forward 35 years she’s lonely as none of them
Visit and her daughters children ??? So busy

In providing childcare for grandchildren is a common goal among grandparents, but achieving this balance requires thoughtful consideration. It's important to recognize that each grandchild has unique needs. Equal childcare doesn't necessarily mean equal time or resources for each child, but rather ensuring each receives the support they need to thrive.

Dh mum is the same. We have to basically beg for even an hour or two. His sister gets whole weekends, child care once a week for work and then another day she picks up the other child from school till late evening.

We asked for one night to go away, she pulled out the day before thankfully I already had my mum on stand by as I knew she would flake it.

Purpleturtle, I understand how deeply hurtful this is for you but sadly I think there’s little to be gained from challenging your mother about it again except more hurt and probably more disappointed. I really don’t know why some grandparents instinctively favour some of their children and grandchildren but I have experienced it because my mother pretty much ignored my children but idolised my sister’s son. I realised that because nephew and sister lived locally to my parents while I was 35 miles away it was inevitable that they’d see more of each other than me and my children but it was incredibly hurtful for a long time that we were all but ignored. I did try to push back a bit by taking the children to see my parents more often and once asked them to take them for a weekend but it wasn’t very successful so I stopped making any effort when my mother said to me one day that visits were difficult because she ‘didn’t really know my children’. Well whose fault was that?

So if you can bear it I think you should consider whether you can just accept that this is the way it’s going to be and make your decisions accordingly.

I attempted to answer the question: Do you try to keep childcare (fairly) equal between your grandchildren?

No. Granny is not a mind reader, I do what I'm asked.

To those with OPs mum/child problem, I'm sorry.

I think the best you can do is to sit and have a conversation with your mother explaining how you feel, but not in the heat of the moment when one of you is tired or angry.

We do our best to even out time and help with GC, but one lives quite far away, and there is a 10 year gap between oldest and youngest GC, which means of course I am 10 years older and less energetic!

Parents = Gparents

Doodledog
it's not about clocking the amount of time spent with different families
...
But that she spent none at all with mine

Purpleturtle ...
They have to see her picking up their cousins but never them

All she talks about when we visit is brothers family which shows how little she knows about her other gchildren

This chimes with my experiences.
The sadness that ones own mother doesnt want to share in the love and lives of our children is a poison to the soul.
A sadness that seems hard to shift.

I have no words really for all who know this feeling, and just wish you all well. 🌻

It has absolutely nothing in common with the changing situations of those concerned.
Which maybe misplaced feelings of guilt on behalf of parents?

It's not about clocking the amount of time spent with different families - it's when one is never visited and the others are. I think the fact that I lived nearest meant that my mum thought I should visit her all the time, but I worked full time, I don't drive and my husband worked shifts, so that wasn't possible. It wasn't that she spent a bit more time with her other grandchildren, but that she spent none at all with mine. I don't think that anyone who didn't behave like that needs to even think about it.

Good post RosiesMaw
I'm in a similar position: when the first two grandsons arrived I was still working. I promised our daughters that we would help out where we could but equally if it felt too much, I would always be clear about it. We've continued to offer support in many ways and its different for all of my children as they have different lifestyles. A few years ago we took four of the GC away on holiday for a week but with the passing of time and declining energy levels and health, we have them far less often now. We cherish the lovely memories of those early years and still see them all often.
OP, I feel for you and your situation, it seems very unfair

No.

I make no attempt keeping count of the number of days childcare I'm asked to give. I don't volunteer, I'm asked.

I will drive the school run and fit in groceries or my husbands needs from town, but I much prefer a 9am start and 5-6pm retrieval.

Seems our GC/GGC are here quite often, never on a schedule, just happens because? I hope no one feels slighted, they only have to ask.

I give support as and when asked and when I am able. I am not aware of this causing any aggro between the 3 sisters, and certainly none has been expressed to me. I do do more for one lot, but that is in response to their particular need.

I am sorry, OP, that things feel unfair for you - all you can do is try and let it wash by you. It helps no-one if you show resentment - but I know that is hard.

I like your quote RosiesMaw. We have always given(and still do) more support to DD’s children as her need was greatest and we were younger. DS has four young children and has never needed or wanted much support although we have occasionally babysat for some of the children if the others have been involved in some activities and the other grandparents are not available.DinL has massive support from her large extended family all of whom live locally to the extent that we are the ones who feel we are excluded from the help we are always willing to give. Their last child was born during Covid and we would love the chance to get to know her better.

I think it is very difficult especially where needs, circumstances and the timing are different
I helped out a lot with D1’s children as I was 14 years younger when she had her first baby, DH’s health wasn’t too bad and I had recently retired. We would often have one, two or all three and even went to stay to look after them when D and SIL went to New York for a long weekend. (Never again!)
Cue D2 and her baby, and I was recently bereaved- I would go to London regularly to help out with overnights and because D was often working away as was SIL.
Then D3 had her first baby and Covid put paid to going to stay with anybody or them coming to me so GS never developed the close relationship I had with his older cousins. Her older boy is still quite shy of me and would never stay over without Mummy and Daddy. I am also 14 years older, dog care if I go to stay (which I still do) has become prohibitively expensive at £30 a day plus fares - train strikes notwithstanding.
So it may look as if D3 and her little boys haven’t been “fairly treated” but the circumstances have changed. Fortunately D2 and 3 live very near each other and their boys are close.
“To each according to their needs and according to my ability” sums it up.

Your mother's being very insensitive, to be polite, and you are quite entitled to feel upset by her behaviour.
You can't change her though so you and your sister can only get on with your own lives and support each other.

Me too.
I've seen this kind of thing happen quite a lot in families, though.

I know nan favoured her son over my mum and aunt.

I have 2 DDs who have a son each, ages 7&3. I’ve never had both boys together and don’t really anticipate that happening. I did more for DGS1 and DD1 because of their shift patterns, but now I’m babysitting DGS2 for DD2 a couple of times a week. He’s never stayed over (never needed to) whereas DGS1 simply had to.
My friend’s mother - died a couple of years ago, would never have any of her DDs children to stay, but when her DS had children, she rushed out to get a cot so they could stay. Having said this, when her DH died, she gave it up and at 67 became dependent on her AC for everything. Nightmare for my friend, who lived closest - it was a thorn in her side.

My MIL was like that. My DH was going into hospital for an op, she agreed to look my two toddlers and a new baby, while I drove him there.
When we arrived, she told me that she and my sister in law were going out. was so angry.
She looked after my husband's nieces and nephews on a daily basis, yet on the rare occasions I asked for help, she declined.

Thank goodness my own mum loved having them.

I think it is understandable you feel hurt

I have said before that my mother was embarrassed that I had so many children (5) and very proud of my brother's one daughter.

We do whatever childcare is needed, whenever asked, by whichever set of parents if we possibly can.

I understand.

My mum was the same. I am one of three, and have lived closest to her since my children were born (my siblings had both moved away by then). My mum spent more time with my brother’s children abroad than with mine at home, and visited my sister far more often than me. It has damaged our relationship - seeing one’s children rejected is far worse than being rejected oneself.

I have tried to discuss it, but it is framed as me being resentful as my mum didn’t provide childcare when I was at work. This is emphatically untrue. I was hurt at the fact that my children were (are) lovely and their grandmother wasn’t interested in them. If she hadn’t been interested in her other grandchildren it would have been different, but she travelled to visit them and ignored mine. It sounds similar to you being seen as entitled.

I have no real advice, but can offer solidarity - it’s hard to ignore something like that and rejection by your own mother hurts.