Wealthy husband won't spend any money

Debbi58
I would say you are very lucky to be in a marriage whereby you don’t have to worry about anything other than your DH not wanting to “ do the things you want to do “
We have friends who spend vast amounts on holidays as they can afford it , others who have to scrimp & save .
Without going into details to much we have a decent income from private pensions / SP & an income .& no mortgage for many years . We have a had a joint account since our marriage some 15yrs ago . The majority of ££’s is not from either my income when working or my various pensions .
However it is joint & we both spend from this , We also have savings accounts which my DH obviously knows about & which I ensure we add to monthly .
We have holidays , short breaks away, attend concerts & Theatre all of which I book . Some of these things might get suggested by DH but if left to him invariably it wouldn’t happen . Recently we made a big purchase for our leisure activities but it was after having had the discussion for around 6 years , visiting the various places that sold the home on wheels etc . Finally on our way home from a few days away & yet again having had the same conversation, I said to my DH make a decision & stick with it otherwise you’ll be talking about it for the next 6 years !
The other side of this is that when we we are out my DH loves to stop for a Coffee , we could just be going out to the supermarket & on the way home he will always say “ shall we ?” While I enjoy a Coffee & am not adverse , it is too much to be stopping all the time & spending probably the best part of £10 on 2 coffees . I recently added up how much we had spent on coffees , lunches out & takeaways all of which my DH has a penchant for . I am trying to keep tabs on this as I feel it is far too frivolous even if we can afford it . So we all have our issues involving how we spend money . And don’t get me wrong my DH is the most generous person you could ever wish to meet but when he buys another vacuum cleaner or push bike , lawn mower or hedge trimmer , vinyl or yet another record player just because it makes me want to bang my head . By the same token if I get my hair done or nails done ( nails are a treat for holidays or events in my case ) he won’t bat an eye lid in fact he’s the one to say “ why don’t you “ so I have to reign him in . I want us to have more money in the bank whereas he sees it as there will be more next month 🤔
So , in conclusion I would say that if the money in the joint account has sufficient available funds then go ahead & tell him you are booking a holiday , the one you want the one you both deserve. Take the bull by the horns & be decisive.

You may want to remind him that there are no pockets on a shroud ;)

Hi,
Tell him “there are no pockets in a shroud”!
Is he leaving it to the tax man? What a shame for you.
I have a sister, who is now a widow. No mortgage, plenty in the bank. has one daughter & two grandsons. Just the same. If ever we go out to eat (if she isn’t with us we just divide the total by the number of people) but she has to itemise everything she has, tots it up ! And then pays just what she has! Never invites anyone either!

Debbie I sympathise but be grateful for having sisters you can spend leisure time with. As long as he doesn't complain incessantly about that, you are lucky to be retired and comfortably off. Don't rely on your partner for happy times away. He isn't going to change..and it's upsetting for you to keep wanting him to change. You appear to be in a co-dependent relationship with him calling the shots. I feel for you

Every marriage (or partnership) is different because people and circumstances are different. My husband of 54 years, despite a degree and Masters in subjects that contained Business and Finance in the titles, could fall into overdraft in a couple of months. So I always handled the money. Initially I earned a lot less than him, and only small amounts while the kids were little, but eventually our salaries became equal.

I made all the financial decisions and he agrees I did it well. We paid of the mortgage years ago, both have good pensions (though mine is much smaller) and savings. Plus a house too large for us now (but he won't consider moving).

Very fortunately neither of us is a big spender. He borders on "mercenary" even when it comes to his own clothes etc, while I am more generous with us both. However, we do discuss almost all spending that is out of the ordinary, such as holidays (unless taken in our touring caravan - on the cheap!) and major purchases. Quite simply, he trusts me to make wise decisions and spend on things we both enjoy/agree on.

All monies are pooled or invested equally.

We both inherited our parents' homes (no siblings to share with) and gave most of the monies to our adult daughters to help them on the property ladder. My suggestion but he readily agreed.

In our mid-70s we agreed we could start to spend on a few luxuries so after decades of cheap holidays we took ourselves on a Med cruise and found we loved it. So we went on two World Cruises after that and loved them even more.

We are both well pleased with our financial situation.

BUT, if it stood to him, hubby would never suggest a holiday himself, or a major household purchase, or even a treat for himself (or me!!!). I don't think he has ever got used to not being poor - as both our parents were, and as were we till our mid-50s. He has no hobbies (despite years at work telling me what he would like to do on retirement - none of it ever done) and no friends, and is perfectly happy as such. On the other hand, I throw myself into local politics, am treasurer of several local charities.

I also joined our U3A and make the most of it. It's very cheap, nobody cares what your background is, whether you are well off or not, and provides something for everyone. I can heartily recommend it to anyone, whether on their own or as a couple, as a means of getting out of the house, meeting people, doing something enjoyable. Our most popular group is Outings, with coach travel and entrance fees to historic houses, gardens, theatres etc, and even two short holidays a year. It is true that the majority of members are widows but there are a fair few couples as well. I would suggest that the OP looks into that in her locality. For some members, the short holidays are the only holidays they can afford - and they love them!

No, I've never been in the position of having to ask for or discuss money cos I am good at budgeting and hubby knows it.

BUT, having been diagnosed with oral cancer last November and awaiting the outcome of my treatment next week, I can safely say that any smoker should STOP (it was surprisingly easy once I was terrified) and get the extra money spent while you can.

I don't agree with those posters who say she should consider ending the marriage - there is no suggestion that her hubby is a bad one, just a different personality - and maybe two years of retirement hasn't been enough for him to get bored with it. I would say "Discuss" with him. Tell him you'd prefer to do things together rather than on your own, before going off and doing your own thing. Despite my busy life I don't have many friends to socialise with regularly, so my hubby's company is important to me too.

Good luck. I'm sure you'll get there.

I think that many people when retiring are hit by the sudden realisation that there will be no more monthly pay cheques, their pension income is much lower than the salary they earned and this is it for the rest of their lives, so they have to make it last for perhaps several decades.

My husband was the same, plenty of money which he would spend on his business and things for me and the children but not on holidays or days out as he didn’t believe in them, his mantra was a holiday is a waste of a good working day
When the children were young I made sure they had holidays by joining my sister and her children in caravans in Wales and we had some wonderful times. My husband coped on his own and I truly believe he enjoyed it. When the children had gone I persuaded a friend to join me and we spent time in Wales Ireland and Scotland again having great holidays. As we got older and I was less active I again asked my husband why no holidays and he shocked me by saying he bitterly regretted not having holidays but he couldn’t see the point of them. He spent the last few years of his life seriously ill and ended it in a nursing home. I don’t think it was a matter of finance with him just for some reason a genuine fear of relaxing and enjoying himself. Strange but true.

He's not the first man that I've heard is like this after retirement. My DH was like it. Having been used to a regular salary they see any expenditure as not being replaced by income now and it creates anxiety. I think its less about the money with the OP but more wanting to share good times together.
With her husband, he sees it as money spent, money gone. Start small, a cheap restaurant, a cheap trip, mine had a WWII interest so I managed a trip to Germany and a trip to the D Day beaches! I managed the finances and no matter how I much I showed him he was OK financially, the anxiety stayed there.
My one regret is that he never got to enjoy himself more because of the anxiety. He also started seriously hoarding.

Early retires often lose their previous confidence because their role and purpose in life has changed. It sounds like he has always been careful with money and prefers to accumulate rather than spend and that is a difficult habit to break.

The OP needs to manage the different expectations in retirement and may be take some long haul one in a lifetime expensive holidays as part of a social group if he doesn't want to go with her. I think discussing and booking some cheaper less daunting holidays with husband might be better than not going at all . It's not that uncommon for procrastination to set in where talk happens but where nothing gets done . OP may be needs to become a decision maker. I always had to plan holidays when I was married otherwise we would have never gone anywhere.

We’ve been married for 54 years, and for us it’s just a central pot of money, never yours or mine. This has worked well for us. We’re quite a lot older than you and I’m so grateful that we travelled a lot and really enjoyed ourselves when we had a bit more energy. Tell your husband there’s no pockets in shrouds.

If you read the thread, it isn’t all his money as was originally represented. Part of it came from the sale of her house. She also receives benefits of over £400 per month.

...and there are so many whose vocabulary does not include "wealthy".

It IS his money and he supports her. We would be saying much different things if SHE were the breadwinner. It goes both ways. We call a man without his own money a bum. So?

My husband (now in his 80’s) is a bit like that, but fortunately I worked full time for over 30 years so I have Government and work pension and have a little financial independence. What he refuses to spend will eventually benefit our grown children (in their 50’s) and our five grandchildren. Through his saving habits over the years we have a roof over our heads and good food on the table! I find that quite comforting at this stage in our lives.

BigMamma

kircubbin2000

Germanshepherdsmum

It seems you have no money but want to spend his. How about being grateful that he is keeping you and has been for years, rather than expecting him to take you on expensive holidays. It’s his money, probably accumulated through hard work and being careful, it’s not yours.

Wow!

Yes. WOW. What a terrible thing for Germanshepherdsmum to say.

It is not HIS money, when you marry everything is shared 50/50.

And when you die you can leave most of your money to whoever you want

Same here. It doesn’t mean that the spouses don’t love and respect one another, but being financially independent is important to many of us.

Sodapop, thank you for your wisdom. You have no idea HIS circumstances. And I stand by my remarks about how lucky she is to have someone support her. And you have no idea my circumstances. I'd love to have someone support me.

Germanshepherdsmum

I have never been kept by a man and never will be. My marriage is and always has been an equal partnership, neither of us subsidises the other.

I am exactly the same. my late partner of 10 years never paid for anything we always went 50/50. my late husband and I both worked had equal income and shared all expenses equally. I could never be a kept woman?

Germanshepherdsmum

It seems you have no money but want to spend his. How about being grateful that he is keeping you and has been for years, rather than expecting him to take you on expensive holidays. It’s his money, probably accumulated through hard work and being careful, it’s not yours.

exactly what I was thinking

David49

“Well, I would not have liked that, David49, you say your wife was unable to travel, not that she just refused to go anywhere, and you went off on singles holidays by yourself.”

My wife was chronically ill, unable to travel I became her full time carer for 5 yrs, as respite, our daughter stayed with her during those trips.

So I well understand the issues carers have, I was lucky I reduced work and became semi retired and there are family closeby. I did not find caring a burden, it’s about “for better or for worse” I learned to cook and take over all the domestic and garden jobs.

Callistemon you are saying I should not take respite

You did the right thing David, respite is essential for carers, how can you care if you are not fit to care yourself? selfcare as a carer is vital.

Nice your daughter could cover your respite times rather than a stranger.

David49

“Well, I would not have liked that, David49, you say your wife was unable to travel, not that she just refused to go anywhere, and you went off on singles holidays by yourself.”

My wife was chronically ill, unable to travel I became her full time carer for 5 yrs, as respite, our daughter stayed with her during those trips.

So I well understand the issues carers have, I was lucky I reduced work and became semi retired and there are family closeby. I did not find caring a burden, it’s about “for better or for worse” I learned to cook and take over all the domestic and garden jobs.

Callistemon you are saying I should not take respite

Yes assumptions are bad… unfortunately we all do it…wish I’d had a husband like you!
Re monies…when I married ( 2nd) at age 30, I had no money of my own per se, but was working in an executive position by then and had started to make arrangements to buy… but married a head Lecturer instead who said I didn’t need to work any more…. He paid for everything but I had to show him and agree what I bought via a cheque book I was ‘allowed’. We went to a ‘ loaned’ house near his parents every year … I had 2 children by then …. Had nothing of my own…. Instead of getting a carer after his father died and his mother became ill, I had to take the children out of school, change schools and go up north to look after his mother… with my sons. His parents died and he inherited… ( nothing on my side)… all the money was put in various stocks etc, and dividends would arrive monthly …I asked if we could perhaps spend some and go on a ‘proper’ holiday or buy some new ‘things’ … nope! After he hit me one too many times I left!
NOW … at 78 … I know a lot better and would not have been so cowed… but was controlled from start to finish! Oh for a Time Machine!

I f you read the thread the circumstances are eventually clarified. They are not as they seemed at the outset.

That's a bit harsh Grannie314 you are not aware of the circumstances surrounding this poster's life.
A little compassion on here would not go amiss.

Do you have your own source of income? If so, treat yourself! If not, that's your fault and you should be grateful you have someone to support YOU.

We are both in our mid 70’s
We married young and now have children and grandchildren. We are very careful what we spend. We pay for the grandchildren’s activities but that’s our only extravagance.
We buy ‘yellow sticker Ed’ food (reduced food)
We seldom buy new clothes BUT we treat this like a game and get pleasure from a bargain. We are mortgage free and have been since mid 40’s due to our frugal spending.
We give a lot to charity.
My retired husband has many charity clubs he attends and I have friends he doesn’t meet.
We have a wonderful life and it suits us.
I’d be most concerned if my husband was mean and a hermit.
It’s important to have your own friends as you develop your own personality and it’s equally important he has his friendship group.
How often do we hear of someone left without a husband and have lost those precious interpersonal skills imperative to survive.
Join a club or a church or have an interest. BUT don’t stop going places with your husband. There are many fun retirement groups that may be fun.
The University of the third ….,,,, is popular.
Hope you get what you need for happiness. (My life wouldn’t suit everyone but it’s about us) xx