Wealthy husband won't spend any money

Callistemon213

If he loves the garden, could you persuade him to join the National Trust or other organisation where you could visit lovely gardens? Even if you aren't interested, there is usually a property to look round and/or a lunch or cream tea to look forward to.

More locally there might be gardens open under the National Garden Scheme.

Or is he too miserly for even that?

The main thing is - talk to him!

Very wise words.

Perhaps I shouldn't ask this, but is he showing signs of agoraphobia?

If he loves the garden, could you persuade him to join the National Trust or other organisation where you could visit lovely gardens? Even if you aren't interested, there is usually a property to look round and/or a lunch or cream tea to look forward to.

More locally there might be gardens open under the National Garden Scheme.

Or is he too miserly for even that?

The main thing is - talk to him!

THIS IS NOT ABOUT MONEY
it’s about totally different expectations, different needs and different likes He’s retired and lives to just potter and be without deadlines, without organisation, you on the other hand had the dream of retiring together and to do all the things work had stopped you from doing
Two total opposites North Pole and South Pole

All you can do is sit down for a proper talk and look for any compromises Could you start by asking for his company one day a week, if he denies that, and is that selfish then he’s not the man who loves you as much as you thought.

You have the money but not the company ….sad…. Just proves money isn’t everything I bet you d rather be poorer but trotting out for a picnic together
I hope you can find a compromise and a way forward that suits you both I m doubtful though because it should have happened naturally

Dear Debbi58, as Farmor15 said, 'it's not about money'.

The thing about marriage (and exclusive partnerships) is that no one outside of the relationship can tell you what your relationship rules should be. That's a personal choice that you've got to work out with your partner. Everyone has their own "house rules" in this game of love. Everyone has their own breaking points too. The chemistry involved in each union is as varied as waves in the sea.

You said your DH seems happy to potter in his garage or watch tv. That is good that he seems happy with his day. You feel that you would be happy going out for lunch more and have some weekends away. So, I conclude that you would not be happy pottering in the garage or posted in front of a tv screen . You have differing interests, no doubt and a different vision of retirement years. Give him what he wants and give yourself what you want. ( A + B = 2semi-content retirees).

You only have the one life. Share it or don't, but make it worthwhile and also happy for the one you love, if you want to. You made a promise fourteen years ago but things can change and people can settle back into their old selves. You said what you want for yourself but what does he want for you?

(Sorry if I'm rambling here... it is a very important question and a very good post. It is a big question and everyone here could have a very individually different and exactly correct answer! GN can help you with perspectives but cannot answer the personal question that you have silently asked).

We do things together but are certainly not "joined at the hip" like some couples in retirement.

There's not much point in being married OP if you don't enjoy at least some of the same things or cherish each other's company. Yes, you can go off on your own or with friends but if that's the only option you might as well be single. Perhaps you should review the whole relationship.

I just want to enjoy our life and money before it's too late

I can understand. Unfortunately you both have different expectations of what a happy retirement should entail.

I doubt you can change him now unless he is in fact feeling depressed.
Perhaps you could join some clubs eg U3A, the TWG or WI and enjoy some trips and meals out with other people. A friend of mine joined a theatre group and they went on coach trips to theatres in London and other places. Her DH wasn't interested in doing that but she met other ladies on these trips.

Debbi58 if he’s a long term smoker with a constant cough he may not have that long anyway. He could spend his fag money on taking you out. 😉

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I agree with you Debbie58 you should now be enjoying your retirement. You sound very financially secure unfortunately your DH sounds tight. Life's to short and there are no pockets in shrouds.
My DH has just semi retired and we plan to enjoy the time we have He has always been the top earner and has his own company I never had his earning power but have supported him all our married life working and contributing as well as running the family home. Regardless of who earned what we are a partnership.

I didn't feel I needed to give my life story, it's not my fault some of you jumped to the conclusion, I only married for money . I was simply asking for advice. It is joint money and I have access to some of it, the large bulk is invested. We also have other joint money in shares etc. Our house is also worth a considerable sum . That said , I still want us to enjoy the money together . Of course we talked about our retirement plans , but 2 years on and we haven't done any of that . My health is not good and he's a long term smoker with a constant cough. I just want to enjoy our life and money before it's too late . I guess my only options are to live with it or divorce him.

This is one of those threads where the OP drip feeds information. She says now that she paid the proceeds of sale of her house into their joint account, but originally talked of her wealthy husband with his private pension. She is not dependent on him for withdrawing money from the joint account to pay for a holiday.

David49

Everyone is different, I’m old school, if I invite a lady out to a dinner date I expect to pay, if she insisted on paying her share, there would not be a second date. I think most men would think it a negative sign

A negative sign???

Unbelievable.

Agreed. Need to find out whats going on under the surface - together, ideally.

I agree with the above . I don’t think it’s about money . If the OPs husband was concerned about money , why did he retire so young ? . He obviously has different expectations about retirement from the OP. I think a lot of men struggle with retirement and the changes it brings . Maybe the OPs husband is using money as an excuse and he feels more comfortable pottering around at home .

"I have never been kept by a man and never will be. My marriage is and always has been an equal partnership, neither of us subsidises the other."

I don't think marriage can be viewed as a business arrangement. I believe a good marriage survives because of compromise (give and take if you like) and mutual support. If my late husband had become ill or out of work it wouldn't occur to me not to support him financially. Likewise, it would be beyond his wildest comprehension to leave me at home if I couldn't afford to join him on holiday or for an evening out. It would have been unthinkable.

I do however absolutely agree that women should, wherever possible, be financially independent of their husbands but I don't see the need for a "what's mine is mine" philosophy.

Debbie. Sit down and talk to him about it and tell him how you feel. Does he want to be the richest man in the graveyard?
Later life is for doing what you want to do depending on what you can afford.

Some people think meals out are a total waste of money, my husband being one. He is not mean because if I said I wanted a new car he would buy me one. I get round it by calling him a scrooge and in recent years I pay for all our meals out, takeaways etc. he didn’t ask me to I just said I’m doing it so I don’t have to look at your face when the bill comes. He pays all the household bills now and I do meals out and holidays.

I heard from a friend that my old boyfriend and his wife go out for meals with her and her partner. The old boyfriend splits the bill down the middle with them and then halves it again with his wife right down to the last penny!! 😱

We were in the situation when we got married that I was the main earner but always had a joint account. OH was SAHF (stay at home father!) for a long time but also did lots of home renovation and garden projects so both of us contributed to family life. Even now, in retirement, I have a bigger pension and also inherited more from parents, but we still consider all joint assets. Obviously people's situations are different, but I assumed marriage was a shared enterprise so there should no mention of either partner being a "kept woman", or in our case, "kept man".

I sympathise with OP and realise the issue is not about money- it just seems her husband would rather potter about at home.

Sounds straight out of the 1950's, given the still existing gap between male and female earnings.

I have read the full thread. Nothing changes my mind about a woman trying to get her husband to spend more money than he wishes.

have you read any of her other posts on this thread?

thank goodness most people know value other than money

eddiecat78

GSM you were fortunate enough to have a very well paid career. A lot of women earn considerably less than their partners - especially if they have taken time out of paid employment to bring up a family. At retirement they will have a much smaller savings pot. Are you suggesting that if a couple in this situation goes on holiday he can travel first class but she can't? Perhaps you'd like her to eat cheaper food too

Of course not. But I am saying that a woman in that position shouldn’t be asking her husband to fork out for an expensive holiday and then complaining when he doesn’t want to. The OP seems not to understand that what her husband has may need to last for many years. Why not be content with something less costly?

Everyone is different, I’m old school, if I invite a lady out to a dinner date I expect to pay, if she insisted on paying her share, there would not be a second date. I think most men would think it a negative sign

I agree with GSM that different attitudes to money can be divisive within a partnership. I don’t however agree that each partner should necessarily be self sufficient financially because there are all sorts of reasons why this may not be practical.

A true partnership IMO should be supportive and considerate of one another, in many different ways, including financially, otherwise it
appears somewhat mercenary.

We all have different values I guess.