Wealthy husband won't spend any money

GSM you were fortunate enough to have a very well paid career. A lot of women earn considerably less than their partners - especially if they have taken time out of paid employment to bring up a family. At retirement they will have a much smaller savings pot. Are you suggesting that if a couple in this situation goes on holiday he can travel first class but she can't? Perhaps you'd like her to eat cheaper food too

Ladyleftfieldlover

Germanshepherdsmum

It seems you have no money but want to spend his. How about being grateful that he is keeping you and has been for years, rather than expecting him to take you on expensive holidays. It’s his money, probably accumulated through hard work and being careful, it’s not yours.

What happened to ‘what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine’. My OH has always earned more money than me but we have a joint account and it’s ‘our’ money.

Not something I have ever ascribed to. We have equally earned what we have, so it’s fine that it’s ours. So often the case that the husband earns more than the wife - not the case with us. I couldn’t be comfortable otherwise. Our financial contributions are equal.

I don’t think for a moment that you are grasping Debbie, you would just like to go on holiday and out for meals with your husband, now that you are both retired and can spend quality time together. What on earth is wrong with that? They don’t have to be costly. As others have suggested, during the Summer you could visit beauty spots and take a picnic, during the cooler months go to the cinema, short breaks in the UK can be reasonable if you shop around. Have you any joint hobbies? Or, maybe he has become rather insular and prefers to stay at home pottering. If that is the case, go out with your daughters and your friends. Does he miss working?

Wow , I feel like I've opened a can of worms here. When I met my husband, we both worked full time and owned our own houses. After a year of dating, he asked me to move in with him. I rented my house out for the first year, he then proposed and we married. I sold my house and paid the proceeds of that sale into our joint account. I also paid of the loan he took out to had the loft conversion done . He knew I didn't have a private pension like him but would receive a full state pension. After a few years of marriage I got really poorly and was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis . We seem to have gone off topic here and I've been painting as a money graber , who only married for money. We had no idea of how much his private pension would be at the time .
Germansheperdsmum you ate entitled to your opinion of course, however you are coming across as very judgemental and harsh

I was talking yesterday to one of my d.I.ls. and was surprised to hear that my son gives her a monthly allowance. When they go out for a meal, she has to pay her share. I know my son provides well for them, lovely holidays etc. But it did shock me, because I never worked, but always had a joint bank ac with my husband. He is now my Ex. Does that say something ?

Germanshepherdsmum

It seems you have no money but want to spend his. How about being grateful that he is keeping you and has been for years, rather than expecting him to take you on expensive holidays. It’s his money, probably accumulated through hard work and being careful, it’s not yours.

What happened to ‘what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine’. My OH has always earned more money than me but we have a joint account and it’s ‘our’ money.

Germanshepherdsmum

I very much dislike the view that if a woman who has little money marries a man who is well off, she immediately lays claim to half his money and is entitled to tell him how to spend it. I find it very distasteful. Each to their own.

Well I agree re the assumption of that but that is not the same as equal partnership ....

Our household bills etc were paid from a joint account to which we both contributed. I paid for holiday accommodation, DH paid for petrol and parking and we shared expenses whilst away. At home in general I paid for things for the house, he for things for the garden. We didn’t keep a check.
After that, we each did what we wanted with our own money. In general I saved, he spent - on his hobbies and interests. Fair enough. I would have liked more holidays, more meals out, but he was not keen, so I had holidays alone, eg singing summer school etc.
There are ways of accommodating both attitudes, As long as you do some things together, can you find a friend or relative to go out or away with? He is not going to change now, but I rather think his saying it is too much money reflects his values.

She has a disability and claims a non means tested benefit that exists to contribute towards the extra costs incurred by her having rheumatoid arthritis. I'm sure she'd rather not be claiming it and be pain free.

So she doesn’t want an expensive foreign holiday?

She seems to want to spend the money, he is cautious because he knows how long it might have to last, she’s on benefits and won’t get her SP for years. They have very different attitudes to money, obviously. A killer in a marriage.

Germanshepherdsmum

I very much dislike the view that if a woman who has little money marries a man who is well off, she immediately lays claim to half his money and is entitled to tell him how to spend it. I find it very distasteful. Each to their own.

for richer, for poorer, are in the wedding vows and she isn't laying claim to it, she just wants to spend time doing nice stuff in her husband's company, she isn't being grasping

I was married to someone who was very mean with his money despite being reasonably well off. He was quite happy for me to pay for all leisure activities, children's clothes and activities etc. It was very wearing and when we finally divorced he had a lot of savings and I had none. I don't see your husband changing at this stage Debbi58 you need to work around it and go out with friends and family. Not what one expects in retirement.

I very much dislike the view that if a woman who has little money marries a man who is well off, she immediately lays claim to half his money and is entitled to tell him how to spend it. I find it very distasteful. Each to their own.

You can have an "equal partnership" without having equal funds you know. Exactly.

kircubbin2000

Germanshepherdsmum

It seems you have no money but want to spend his. How about being grateful that he is keeping you and has been for years, rather than expecting him to take you on expensive holidays. It’s his money, probably accumulated through hard work and being careful, it’s not yours.

Wow!

Yes. WOW. What a terrible thing for Germanshepherdsmum to say.

It is not HIS money, when you marry everything is shared 50/50.

Money is not a measure of equality in a true partnership!

We both worked when we married; I was a stay at home parent until our children went to school whilst my husband's earnings supported the family (we were fortunate that he earned enough to do that); when needed I did evening work to supplement and he looked after kids; we both worked with good salaries for years after that; due to health problems my husband took a 6 month sabbatical and then resigned; I paid all our living costs; (we were fortunate we could do that!) he eventually got a lower paid but enjoyable part time work to supplement that did not exacerbate health issues. Finally with mortgage paid off etc we retired at the same point.
My point is that we made choices together as a partnership for our family and for our partnership based on the money available and our needs but most importantly on supporting each other at different times through different needs and circumstances. To me that is true equal partnership!

Debbie You say he’s “always been a bit like it” but”has got worse since retirement” with regard to not liking spending money.

Did you go out, or on holidays before he retired? Perhaps your expectations of retirement were not shared. Have you discussed it in a non confrontational way I wonder?

Is it really about not wanting to spend? If it is then he is unlikely to change and it is probably best for you to accept this, disappointing as it is, and enjoy your retirement in ways that satisfy you.
Life is short.

Debbi58

Maybe I haven't explained myself very well, the point I was trying to make, is that I would like us to enjoy the money / retirement together. I have some saving of my own from before we met. I also have 3 sisters that I could go out with any time . We are having a lovely trip to Bath Spa tomorrow, to celebrate my recent birthday. I guess I expected bring a married couple, we would do more together.

Perhaps it's time to begin spending your savings on the trips you wish to make? Perhaps with your sisters if your husband refuses.

Not everyone loves travel and meal out.

Maybe your husband's idea of doing things together is pottering?

Good reason to be economical currently, who knows what could be taxed next?

I hate the ridiculous "little woman" -- of course the person at home has plenty of ways to fill the day, presumably the person at work concurs.

You are not the problem.

I think the money thing is an excuse because there are cheap things to do. It's possible psychologically he just doesn't like leaving home. He might have said some time ago of the things you could do together when retired but now its come the truth is out.

I'm not sure this situation is really about money.
You say he's got worse since retirement. What were the reasons for retiring at such a young age? Does he regret this? I think there is a lot of psychology involved here below the surface.

I know retirement wasn't what I really expected- it has taken a whole year to relax a little as I couldn't get used to not earning anymore.

Maybe DH is a bit depressed, but you say he's always been a bit tight, even though he's worse.

Years ago I was in a relationship with someone I realised was quite mean, sometimes unbelievably so. The relationship didn't last because he wasn't a poor man although he had grown up in poverty due to alcholism- these things can run deep.

I also have a friend whose DH is a bit like this- only when we went away together did I realise how tight-fisted he was.
My friend has always worked hard and now goes away where and when she likes with other girl-friends. They seem quite happy, he doesn't want to go anywhere and stays home reading. She travels home and abroad and has a good time. problem solved.

Perhaps he just doesn't want to do those things with me

Did he used to, before you got married?

Not necessarily.

Try taking him out for a meal, he might find he enjoys going out for a special meal. You could always 'go Dutch' sometimes. I usually paid for most of our meals out and all the holidays as I was the breadwinner for most of our married life.
He was busy looking after the farm and our children.

If you divorce him you will get half the joint assets. Something for you both to think about.

I’m sure you aren’t the problem Debbie - perhaps you just have different expectations of your retirement/later years.
Bearing in mind your physical limitations, I think you should do your own thing for as long as you are able and leave him to his own (very) simple pleasures.