One way kindness

The poster needs support herself and I don't think her daughter is the one to give it. I attended lots of things with my father that I didn't want to but he needed me and it wasn't about me but him. I think that's how most of us think and it hurts when the one person you wanted for support, doesn't. Keep it to yourself as you can't change things. I have always done everything on my own since my husband died as my children were not an option either. . In this instance her daughter could have had insight into problems that the poster misses and if I was her I would write down all relevant questions and the answers, it's amazing what you for get and get a telephone number to contact a real person if you think of anything else. You need some TLC you love your grandchildren and daughter but it's very hard for you with you dh in a care home. Be kind to yourself.💐

This is not just the "little bit of help" some feel it is.

It is a distressing period for everyone and being involved in decision-making about parents is not easy. We don't know if the daughter is already feeling differently to her mother. My mother would not accept my dad was as ill as he was.
The daughter may genuinely feel unable to help - and may be scared too. Don't let's judge her here.

If you can keep your feelings about this situation quiet for a while, as things hopefully improve you could then examine how you feel when you are less stressed. If you still have a lot of hurt and resentment then I would suggest that you write down what happened, what your expectations were, how things actually happened and why and how you feel now looking back. Then if it still rankles a great deal I would suggest that you have a meeting with your daughter on her own, not with the children distracting or your husband being around. In fact I would suggest that you think of a neutral place to meet where you can speak openly but privately. Then you can explain how you still feel , whether it is hurt, upset, angry or whatever and ask for her honest answer as to the situation and she can also do the same to you. You have been under a lot of stress with your husbands situation, but you have maybe forgotten the ever present stress of looking after a family with the constant tooing and froing trying to work out childcare and having to reciprocate etc. If someone else has a sudden crisis and is unable to take your children you really are stuck and it is not your fault. These things happen. You may not be looking at her situation in a fair way as you are so stressed in your own situation. Perhaps you have a close friend who knows you both and could give their more detached view of the situation. But the most important thing is not to let it fester and spoil the future. If you cannot let it go it is better to bring it out into the open. Maybe you know of a councellor who could be a help to you both to look at the situation and more importantly look to the future and more understanding of each others life and situation so that you can both see where you may be able to be a support to each other but not necessarily in the way that you want. To be able to understand the position of the other person and not see it as a blame game will bring you a better relationship than the situation you have now. In the meantime, could I suggest that you try and give yourself some care. Perhaps go and visit a lovely garden in the NGS open gardens, treat yourself to tea or go swimming and sit out with a sandwich when the weather is good, away from your own house. When we are at home and things are difficult everywhere you look reminds you of work you need to do and worries that crowd in on you, so even a walk will give you some fresh air and a break from worries. Dont try and think of things as you walk, just enjoy whatever you see, flowers, the trees, water in a pond or river is always soothing I find.All of those things will give you some calm and put your situation in perspective. I hope these ideas will be helpful to you and at least offer you another way of looking at things.

Notjustaprettyface

I help my daughter a lot with childcare and I mean a lot
Obviously I am not paid and don’t expect to be
I don’t even expect material gifts in return
I love my grandchildren and that’s my reward
However, I needed my daughter to attend a difficult meeting with the nhs regarding the funding of my husband ( her dad) care home
She said she was coming and that her friend was having the kids for her
At the very last minute , she pulled out and said her friend couldn’t have the kids any more
I just don’t believe her and I am really hurt that she has let me down and that she has lied
What do you do when you feel you are doing all you can to help but when you need help , you don’t get any ?

I think this happens to many of us grandparents, we give, give and give and when we need just a little bit of help there is non forthcoming.

I do not know what the answer is because I know that I and many other grans on these forums are always there to help our family out, even to putting our own lives on hold. The problem is, we do not know how to say no or do not like saying no and then feel badly done by.

After my husband died I grew a backbone as I was being taken more and more for granted as "I now had plenty of time on my hands". I was taking in parcels for them thus having to stay in all day waiting for them, was not asked just told parcels were coming. Granddaughters were left with me when they were ill, told not asked, they started to tell me what to do and how to do it. In fact I was being bossed about.

The first two years fter my husband died I was in tears all the time and could not fight back so I said nothing, then one morning I woke up and thought, enough is enough and I grew a backbone, they did not know what had hit them and now a few years later, I am the master of my own life and I am not afraid of saying no, they know that if they cross the line all hell with let loose.

It's deeply hurtful when you give so much and feel let down in return.
Try to calmly express your feelings to your daughter, emphasizing the importance of mutual support.

I am presuming the daughter is the OP’s only child.

It now sounds to me that your daughter is too distressed/uncomfortable or anxious to be useful to you at these meetings.
Not everyone is useful so I think you have to accept this and take someone else if you can't face it alone.

Given that you knew she didn't want to come with you I think you were wrong to put her in this difficult situation. I do understand it though - I think we all know how desperate we are at points in our life and we do things we wouldn't do ordinarily.
I think you were desperate for someone to share this burden.. and she was afraid.

No winners here. Love her for who she is and get "meeting support" elsewhere.
I'm sure you care for each other and need each other.

But there is clearly an expectation that the daughter should attend the meeting, and the fact that looking after the children is even mentioned suggests that the OP is including this in her reasoning - the whole post is about her feeling that the relationship is a one way street.

I would hope that my daughter (or son) would attend a meeting like that with me, both because a second pair of ears is helpful and because I’d like to think they wanted the best for their father, but I hope I wouldn’t factor in supposedly freely given childcare into it.

To me, the big issue is what is clearly a lack of trust between mother and daughter. I hate not being believed and would be very upset if my mum thought I had made up an excuse not to go, and used my children to get out of it. I would never do that, but would expect to be able to give a real reason (assuming there is a different reason) without knowing that childcare was being weighed against my explanation.

I hope you find someone else to go with you, OP, and that you get a satisfactory outcome.

Hithere

Op

You have extensive background about your husband and your family situation.

This is not as cut and dry as one post

You obviously expect a payoff based on your babysitting - her help

Babysit without strings attached or don't

A rather harsh response. The OP has said she doesn’t expect anything in return ie a pay off.

The lady is in a stressful situation with a sick husband but still helping her daughter so cut her a bit of slack.

Op

You have extensive background about your husband and your family situation.

This is not as cut and dry as one post

You obviously expect a payoff based on your babysitting - her help

Babysit without strings attached or don't

Could you ask CAB for help. Could they have someone advise you or even attend the meeting with you.

Take another person to meetings. Sorted.

What I do, never ask one who won't help, having proved their lack prior.

But she didn’t really want to attend this meeting and had said so right from the start
Also , she had used exactly the same excuse a few months ago to pull out of another meeting

So clearly she just is not the right person to attend these difficult meetings with you. Have a ghink about alternatives maybe before the next one comes along. 💐

For your own peace of mind, try to believe her. Think positive. You will only be hurting yourself more, if you think she lied. And go easy on the baby-sitting.
I hope you get the funding for your husband’s care . Good luck !

Notjustaprettyface I’d feel extremely disappointed.
Speak to her

Notjustaprettyface

Thank you all for your messages
I accept that I don’t have ‘ evidence’ to prove that my daughter lied
But she didn’t really want to attend this meeting and had said so right from the start
Also , she had used exactly the same excuse a few months ago to pull out of another meeting
So , I think she did lie
I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t do anything for her but , as I have explained , I do a tremendous amount of childcare for her
Hence the title of this post : one way kindness
Having said that , I also agree with you that I mustn’t fall out with her so I will keep my powder dry
Thanks again for your messages

I believe that she lied. She didn't want to attend this meeting, and didn't. I don't know why she didn't want to, but maybe this is the real issue.
Does she have any say in what is happening to her father? Maybe she doesn't understand what is going on.
Is there any one else that can attend these meetings with you instead?
It seems to me that you are needing help yourself and not finding it, but it could be someone else can do this? I find AgeUK have alway been helpful, or even social services or your local councillor?
The issue of one way kindness is an interesting one.
Stop seeing it as kindness, as if you are making sacrifices and want some recognition for being 'kind.'
If it is real kindness you should want nothing back to me it is conditional giving.
Keeping your powder dry is one way, but I sense you do need some help and support for yourself too. Maybe just back off on the childcare a bit and find some time for yourself too.

Trying to give your daughter the benefit of the doubt here. Perhaps she is burying her head in the sand, regarding her father's declining health.
My brother did the same and left me to deal with everything.

You are right to bite the tongue. You need to "play the long game."
I hope the funding for your OH is sorted. I got continuing heath care funding for my late OH.

Thank you all for your messages
I accept that I don’t have ‘ evidence’ to prove that my daughter lied
But she didn’t really want to attend this meeting and had said so right from the start
Also , she had used exactly the same excuse a few months ago to pull out of another meeting
So , I think she did lie
I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t do anything for her but , as I have explained , I do a tremendous amount of childcare for her
Hence the title of this post : one way kindness
Having said that , I also agree with you that I mustn’t fall out with her so I will keep my powder dry
Thanks again for your messages

If your daughter has given you an implausible excuse for not accompanying you to this important meeting it could be that she is feeling stressed and possibly inadequate.
Please don't let this come between you and your family. I hope you know someone who is knowledgeable regarding NHS funding and who might be willing to be with you as your support.

wise words from Luckygirl3.. do not fall out with your daughter at this critical time.. much better to discuss what was said in the meeting with her, and get her on side..

How do you know that your daughter has lied; people do let others down at the last moment?

You are under stress just now with all that is happening with your OH. Please do not add in a fallout with your DD. This will compromise your relationship with her and with the GC, and you need family at this time. You do not know she is lying and it is hard to imagine why you think she might be.

If you think she's lying just have a f2f conversation with her and ask her in a none confrontational way. Just open the conversation by saying you really missed having her support as you really was relying on her help and watch her reaction. You don't need to fall out but perhaps she needs to understand that she's needed just as she needs you. Good luck.

Is this another case of a door mat grandparent being walked all over by an entitled daughter?