One way kindness

Parenting is sometimes is a one way street. But maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. I hope things turned out well for you and your husband.

If she can’t get childcare, what are her alternatives? Also, why don’t you believe her? It seems odd that she would lie.

Why don’t you believe her it seems a strong statement from you !
I can understand your difficulty because you really do need someone with you when you go to these important funding issue meetings but why are you thinking she did it to you on purpose ?
Do you normally have a good relationship with your girl

You've made up a scenario that may not of of even happened
If her friend cancelled last minute and she had no one to watch the children, what she was supposed to do?

How do you know she lied? She has children and needs to make sure they are safe. Do you have anyone else you could take to this meeting? Often people are forced to have to operate on their own in quite big decision making through no fault of their own or of those around them. Make sure you are well informed from all angles.

I can understand why you are upset, but do you have evidence that she lied? Is there a history of lying or there is more to the relationship with your daughter, which you are not revealing?

Is this another case of a door mat grandparent being walked all over by an entitled daughter?

If you think she's lying just have a f2f conversation with her and ask her in a none confrontational way. Just open the conversation by saying you really missed having her support as you really was relying on her help and watch her reaction. You don't need to fall out but perhaps she needs to understand that she's needed just as she needs you. Good luck.

You are under stress just now with all that is happening with your OH. Please do not add in a fallout with your DD. This will compromise your relationship with her and with the GC, and you need family at this time. You do not know she is lying and it is hard to imagine why you think she might be.

How do you know that your daughter has lied; people do let others down at the last moment?

wise words from Luckygirl3.. do not fall out with your daughter at this critical time.. much better to discuss what was said in the meeting with her, and get her on side..

If your daughter has given you an implausible excuse for not accompanying you to this important meeting it could be that she is feeling stressed and possibly inadequate.
Please don't let this come between you and your family. I hope you know someone who is knowledgeable regarding NHS funding and who might be willing to be with you as your support.

Thank you all for your messages
I accept that I don’t have ‘ evidence’ to prove that my daughter lied
But she didn’t really want to attend this meeting and had said so right from the start
Also , she had used exactly the same excuse a few months ago to pull out of another meeting
So , I think she did lie
I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t do anything for her but , as I have explained , I do a tremendous amount of childcare for her
Hence the title of this post : one way kindness
Having said that , I also agree with you that I mustn’t fall out with her so I will keep my powder dry
Thanks again for your messages

You are right to bite the tongue. You need to "play the long game."
I hope the funding for your OH is sorted. I got continuing heath care funding for my late OH.

Trying to give your daughter the benefit of the doubt here. Perhaps she is burying her head in the sand, regarding her father's declining health.
My brother did the same and left me to deal with everything.

Notjustaprettyface

Thank you all for your messages
I accept that I don’t have ‘ evidence’ to prove that my daughter lied
But she didn’t really want to attend this meeting and had said so right from the start
Also , she had used exactly the same excuse a few months ago to pull out of another meeting
So , I think she did lie
I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t do anything for her but , as I have explained , I do a tremendous amount of childcare for her
Hence the title of this post : one way kindness
Having said that , I also agree with you that I mustn’t fall out with her so I will keep my powder dry
Thanks again for your messages

I believe that she lied. She didn't want to attend this meeting, and didn't. I don't know why she didn't want to, but maybe this is the real issue.
Does she have any say in what is happening to her father? Maybe she doesn't understand what is going on.
Is there any one else that can attend these meetings with you instead?
It seems to me that you are needing help yourself and not finding it, but it could be someone else can do this? I find AgeUK have alway been helpful, or even social services or your local councillor?
The issue of one way kindness is an interesting one.
Stop seeing it as kindness, as if you are making sacrifices and want some recognition for being 'kind.'
If it is real kindness you should want nothing back to me it is conditional giving.
Keeping your powder dry is one way, but I sense you do need some help and support for yourself too. Maybe just back off on the childcare a bit and find some time for yourself too.

Notjustaprettyface I’d feel extremely disappointed.
Speak to her

For your own peace of mind, try to believe her. Think positive. You will only be hurting yourself more, if you think she lied. And go easy on the baby-sitting.
I hope you get the funding for your husband’s care . Good luck !

But she didn’t really want to attend this meeting and had said so right from the start
Also , she had used exactly the same excuse a few months ago to pull out of another meeting

So clearly she just is not the right person to attend these difficult meetings with you. Have a ghink about alternatives maybe before the next one comes along. 💐

Take another person to meetings. Sorted.

What I do, never ask one who won't help, having proved their lack prior.

Could you ask CAB for help. Could they have someone advise you or even attend the meeting with you.

Op

You have extensive background about your husband and your family situation.

This is not as cut and dry as one post

You obviously expect a payoff based on your babysitting - her help

Babysit without strings attached or don't

Hithere

Op

You have extensive background about your husband and your family situation.

This is not as cut and dry as one post

You obviously expect a payoff based on your babysitting - her help

Babysit without strings attached or don't

A rather harsh response. The OP has said she doesn’t expect anything in return ie a pay off.

The lady is in a stressful situation with a sick husband but still helping her daughter so cut her a bit of slack.

But there is clearly an expectation that the daughter should attend the meeting, and the fact that looking after the children is even mentioned suggests that the OP is including this in her reasoning - the whole post is about her feeling that the relationship is a one way street.

I would hope that my daughter (or son) would attend a meeting like that with me, both because a second pair of ears is helpful and because I’d like to think they wanted the best for their father, but I hope I wouldn’t factor in supposedly freely given childcare into it.

To me, the big issue is what is clearly a lack of trust between mother and daughter. I hate not being believed and would be very upset if my mum thought I had made up an excuse not to go, and used my children to get out of it. I would never do that, but would expect to be able to give a real reason (assuming there is a different reason) without knowing that childcare was being weighed against my explanation.

I hope you find someone else to go with you, OP, and that you get a satisfactory outcome.