Anxious driver

Why can't you go along with the person who is taking him? Just explain you don't drive long distances and make sure you pay for the petrol.

I understand your anxiety as I now have it since recent hand surgery which makes driving more difficult. I can't go far any longer and just tell people.

Does he have to stay there?
And you wont be there while he is in there?

Is it an out - patient appointment and he wants you with him while he has it done?
Or to help him understand what is going on?

He is having a hip replacement.... so will just be dropped off and staying in overnight. I feel so guilty ... but also really anxious 😟

I’m not being unsympathetic, but you really must do something about your anxiety when driving, because anxiety makes you an unsafe driver. You really should have done it before, but it’s too late to do anything before your husband’s operation from what you say, please book yourself some refresher lessons, and start pushing yourself every day to drive somewhere outside your comfort zone. If you don’t, the anxiety will worsen. Use your guilt as the trigger to sort it out.
I hope the operation is straightforward for him, but your husband will need to go back to the hospital for at least one check up, maybe you could set that in your mind as the day you will drive him there, because he won’t be able to drive for some weeks. .

Have a lift with the person who is taking him. Just offer him money for the petrol and his time, I can’t imagine being discharged after one night’s stay. My friend was in hospital for a week after her hip replacement surgery.
Btw I can understand your anxiety about driving to unfamiliar places.

Casdon

Perhaps not so easy to book a few ‘refresher’ lessons.

Round here, it’s difficult for would-be learner drivers to book lessons, often a huge waiting list.

Plus you blithely say the OP needs to get on with driving even though she’s anxious. There comes a time, maybe with eyesight issues or mobility issues that you just don’t feel as confident driving, especially unfamiliar areas where the traffic is busy.

I can sympathise with the OP’s feelings.

If you do eventually have to drive, I’d suggest a taxi there first, and make sure you make a careful note of the route, so that’s one worry out of the way.

My mother had to start driving again when my father became seriously ill. She’d once had her own car but ever since my father retired they’d had just the one, and he’d always driven.
We used to tell him that he really must make her drive sometimes, otherwise what would happen if he couldn’t, for whatever reason?

But he never did, so my mother, always rather a nervous driver anyway, just had to get to grips with it again, and to be fair to her, she did. And just as well, because he never really recovered properly, and died a couple of years later.

Well what a shame. You have my sympathy NannySue. It's a horrible feeling and not one that can be shaken off by brisk words.
I found myself to be much more anxious about driving after COVID and various joint replacements. However, I feel a lot better about driving these days after having to do some complicated routes around the city (endless roadworks and rerouting to unknown areas). I found that I could still do it. I suspect that maybe you can too. Could you try some short familiar journeys nearby? Good luck anyway.

Maybe seeing a counsellor to tackle the anxiety might help?

My DD was very anxious about driving. We found the lovely Graham through the RAC (check their website), who was so reassuring and really helped to improve her confidence.
Good luck.

Calendargirl

Casdon

Perhaps not so easy to book a few ‘refresher’ lessons.

Round here, it’s difficult for would-be learner drivers to book lessons, often a huge waiting list.

Plus you blithely say the OP needs to get on with driving even though she’s anxious. There comes a time, maybe with eyesight issues or mobility issues that you just don’t feel as confident driving, especially unfamiliar areas where the traffic is busy.

I can sympathise with the OP’s feelings.

I really worry about anxious drivers being on the road because they are a risk to themselves and other people Calendargirl. Hesitancy when driving is dangerous. If for medical reasons she is unable to drive then she must not drive at all, and if it is anxiety holding her back then she needs to conquer it. I know that sounds blunt, and I know anxiety is a horrible thing to live with, I am sympathetic about that, but I think we all face a stark choice when it comes to keeping ourselves and other people safe on the roads.

You are not alone, our granddaughter in her 20's and our daughter in law in her 40's is exactly the same. They park up somewhere and then get a bus or train to where they want to go. They both hate the unknown especially when the sat nav information is wrong and they end up in a ferry queue and cannot get off until it reaches it's destination and they then have to come back on it.

Can you work out a route that avoids motorways or any complicated roundabouts and road systems? There's usually a means to get somewhere using A or B roads, even if it means a longer journey.

Alternatively could you go with your husband and the friend or, better still, book a taxi. Your anxiety will obviously be worse knowing the importance of this mission and I think the latter option would be best.

Don't let your husband dictate to you. If you don't want to drive tell him. You both want to get there in one piece and in sound mind.

I have every sympathy NannySue45. I used to drive miles for work and visited parents who lived a very long way away but now I get very anxious and try and avoid main roads which are so busy where some drivers can't wait 2 seconds to go with the flow. I don't find driving fun anymore - and I certainly don't even think of going into London by car............

I think what's unreasonable is that your husband doesn't seem to sympathise about your anxiety. If you really had to take him because there was no alternative, I'm sure you would, but since there is an alternative he doesn't have a case.

That said, maybe his reaction is a symptom of his anxiety about the forthcoming operation. His anxiety is also reasonable if such exists.

But, no, you're not being unreasonable to avoid doing something that makes you anxious when there is an alternative.

I have that too and have just decided I am not going to do the stressful trips anymore. I pay a taxi for my visitors from the airport and arranged hospital lifts with a friend and paid for petrol.

I have every sympathy with you and am in a similar position. Recently DH was in hospital for a week. Fortunately it’s 15 miles away so a shorter distance away. Next month he will have a number of appointments there followed by surgery which will require a stay of about 10 days. There’s no way I can drive under these circumstances. I’m suffering with anxiety and lack of sleep. We either get taxis or lifts from kind family members or friends. Yes there’s a cost involved but as DH is too ill to go out much or on holiday we will use that money. I do appreciate that we’re fortunate to be able to deal with it this way.

Go with him when he has a lift in and get him settled in.

I wouldn't want someone other than my husband with me just before an operation.
You can hang about at the hospital until it's done and he is out of surgery.
Then either stay in a b&b nearby overnight of go home by taxi or get a friendly lift home from someone.

The following day (or when he's coming home) I'd want to be there again. I'd get a taxi/lift/train if I was afraid to drive but I wouldn't want him to be alone.

Thinking of you.

He is not unreasonable. He is scared I think.
YOU are the one he loves and he needs you.

When I had my hip done recently the op was at 4.00 and they kicked me out next morning at 11.The surgeon said you came in with a bad leg. Now you have a good one why would you be in hospital.

Please don’t stress about this, it will just make your anxiety worse.

You need, somehow, to identify the root cause of your anxiety.

My DM would only ever drive very short distances.

Good luck to you and good luck to your DH

go with them to the hosp, stay with him as long as poss.
stay in a local motel.
come home with him.
don't drive if you are anxious.
that is your safety system telling you not to.
all the best to both of you.

Nicely put welbeck and succinct!


Much better than me!

I found there was little point having my escort in hospital .I was taken away immediately for tests and they told him he could visit after the op.

You do what suits you best NannySue45 🍀