Anxious driver

I’m not a particularly anxious driver but since my husband gave up driving due to dementia and often argues with the Satnav I now go on the Google Earth app before I go somewhere unfamiliar. I go on street view at any tricky points on the route and check out the road signage and view the venue I am visiting to see the car park entrance etc. I find that I am more confident with my driving when I know what I have to contend with. I also leave in plenty of time in case of hold ups and can then take a coffee break half way if it’s a longer journey. I also use Google Earth to travel all over the world and virtually visit extraordinary places that I have no hope of ever visiting.
Also check Google maps if you can to see if there are any road closures ahead. In other words, be prepared.

To me it seems there are two issues here:

you would rather not drive, either all the time, or long distances, which probably entail using the motorway.

You are well within your rights to dislike driving, and to stop doing so, if it is causing you anxiety. And, if you feel you are no longer driving safely you MUST stop.

You have made arrangements for someone else to drive your husband to hospital, which brings me to the second issue:

Your husband saying you should be taking him. This to me sounds like the typical male way of saying he would like you to go with him to the hospital because like most of us, but no man will admit this, he is nervous of the operation.

So ask the driver if you can come along too, as others have suggested. If your husband is being discharged the same day, and whatever others think this is common practice now for knee and hip replacements, does this mean the driver will be hanging around waiting for him to be out of the recovery room and ready to go home?

If so, obviously you must go, and take the poor driver out for lunch or whatever meal is appropriate. I can't imagine anyone wanting to drive 120 miles back and forth to a hospital twice in one day!

If your husband will be sent home by ambulance or some kind of taxi service paid wholly or partly by the NHS, phone and ask if they are willing to transport you as well as him. If the are, you go too, taking a good book or your knitting with you for the time the op. plus recovery plus the surgeon getting up to see and discharge your husband takes.

If rules do not allow them to transport you at all, or only if you pay, then you have a reason for remaining at home that your husband may be cross with "the system" about, but can hardly blame you for.

I hope everything goes well, and he makes a speedy recovery.

Don't feel guilty about anxiety. There are some good suggestions on here e.g. paying for fuel and going along with the driver. I would say that now is not the time to push out of your comfort zone and drive when there's someone willing to do it. Better to wait until you're both over this stressful operation and then have some practice sessions when there aren't additional worries. Good luck with the operation.

I occasionally drove DH ‘s largish car for years . Became aware of confidence ebbing so suggested I drove it more often. He is a skilled driver , dislikes being driven by anyone and refused angrily on one notable occasion so it didn’t happen . He has no memory of this but it became a turning point for me as I don’t really enjoy driving . Now I only drive my little car on familiar roads . Watching this thread with interest as hospital appts etc can be a game changer .

I think driving is all about confidence, I don't like driving distances anymore. I have a friend whose driving imo is awful, but that doesn't deter her from driving one end of the country to the other, because presumably she perceives herself as competent. I'm a better driver than her but wild horses wouldn't induce me to go on some journeys she undertakes. Although my husband tries to encourage me to be more adventurous, I don't like being out of my comfort zone, my journeys these days are short.He in any case suffers from motion sickness when he's driven so for that reason he tends to drive when we're together. I have driven him to hospital appointments for a couple of procedures, he looked sicker afterwards than before he went in

If I became seriously wralthy overnight first thing I would arrange would be a chauffeur, I hate driving, always have always will, I do it for convenience but I never enjoyed it. You have my sympathies

I once commented to an acquaintance that a lot of us in our 70s and 80s are not as confident as we used to be driving in unfamiliar places so some of us stick to familiar routes. She told me we need to push ourselves to in order to keep up our driving skills - then one day she offered me a lift and unfortunately let’s just say I didn’t find her skills that great 😌

Your world gets really small when you loose the capacity to drive. I think it would be good to start attempting to build up your confidence as you may need to do more of the driving in the future. You could possibly have a driving lesson that deals with anxious Drivers.

My DH is no longer able to drive because he has poor sight. He has cancer and is undergoing radiotherapy five days a week, for six weeks. I am driving him to a branch of the Royal Marsden hospital every day, the journey us about an hour each way. I had a new knee last year and the hospital provided transport for me. I wonder if some husbands always drive, and in consequence, their wives lose confidence?

You can go with him. That doesn't mean YOU have to do the driving. How is this a big problem?

I’m an anxious driver if I’m going somewhere new on my own. Having just come back from the IOW with hubby and doing most of the driving. Got to Southampton the night before, the midday ferry was cancelled going out from Southampton. Warner sorted us out but going from Portsmouth 2215… don’t know how many times we went through CAZ’s… All I can say is glad we went the day before… My hubby went for major surgery, the hospital was 30 miles away. A friend offered to drive him, but I asked if she would come with me and I drive (I knew I’d be visiting on a daily basis and she would be visiting her own hubby who was in a different hospital). Which she did and worked out okay. If it was just an overnight stay, I would have stayed in a local Premier Inn / Travelodge or even spent a little more on a hotel if it was closer. Again if it were me I’d probably go the day before stopping 2 nights (1 with hubby) so that on the day not much travelling to be done and if you needed to take a taxi a lot cheaper and everyone arrives less stressed. That way you have company there and back. Good luck.

Thank you for your comments.
All sorted now. I didn't have to drive to the hospital.... so I can just concentrate on looking after patient when they get home!! Feel much happier now 🙂

I can quite understand how you feel as I am the same, and now only drive locally where I feel confident. Don't push yourself to be more adventurous, it will only make you worse. There are some very aggressive drivers out there, who put you under pressure to drive faster than you want. I hope you can arrange for a friend or family member to take your husband and you to the hospital. Hope it all goes well.

Lots of people are anxious about driving and only do short distances. Personally my opinion is you should not consider driving if you are anxious about it. It's unsafe.

I was wobbly about driving after Covid. Had moved house mid Covid and am unfamiliar with the area. Started just driving around the block. I live in almost central London but in a traffic free zone. Mainly driving instructors teaching three point turns and reversing round a corner. Very lucky to have moved to such a quiet street about 15 minutes drive from Hyde Park.
Shortly after my efforts to drive locally I was told by my optician that I had dense cataracts in both eyes which had been missed for years. Had the right eye fixed shortly before Christmas and it meant a reparation operation as things didn’t go smoothly. The repair was done the same day and many months later my eyesight has improved significantly. I’m not advised to drive although my eyesight meets government regulations. I’m going to have the left eye done this week and might need driving glasses. However, I no longer need reading glasses which is quite unusual I believe. What will be will be. Looking forward to slowly easing myself back into driving. My husband is a chauffeur 4 years younger than me but is happy for me to drive him with no back seat driving comments. He’s not a saint but one of his good points.
Hope the OP recovers her confidence and we could hold hands

I think the excess speed is from the traffic police statistics. It depends if the police investigation finds excess speed to have been a factor. That said, can't remember what year the stats were from or whether it might have been fatal accidents.
I do find it difficult to concentrate in 20 mph zones, & it's not for want of trying. I'm usually a very focused driver but more likely to get distracted by surroundings in a long 20 mph stretch.

V3ra

^I find hospital trips very stressful because of parking, or lack of it.^

Appointment letters for our local hospitals strongly advise us to use public transport rather than drive there ourselves, because of the limited parking available 😕

But the public transport is unreliable. What is more, once out of London, many hospitals have huge hinter lands with patients routinely coming to hospital from 20 or 30 miles away and needing to change buses or go from train to bus.

Given, that by definition, most people going to a hospital are old or ill and often both, public transport is just not practical because of disability and frailness.

I doubt my DH could cope with walking to our local bus stop, more than a quarter of a mile away, he would find sitting on a bus going all round the local villages before starting to head towards the hospital 15 miles away, a journey of well over an hour, exhausting and as our hospital is built on a hilly site, he would then have to walk uphill from the bus stop to the relevant department.

Instead I take him by car - 45 minutes. Drop him off at the hospital, drive to a big supermarket half a mile away and park the car in the attached public car park, walk back to he hospital, down hill all the way to be with him, and when the appointment is over, I make the half mile uphill walk back to the public car park and drive round to the hospital to pick him up.

Taxis cost £50 plus each way.

I ams orry to say this, but so much of public departments base their travel plans on some ideal world that has no connection with the world that the people using their facilities actually live in.

pascal30

Shelflife

Casdon, unsympathetic and certainly not helpful. NannySue you are brave and correct in acknowledging your driving anxiety. Don't drive if you feel panicky, taxi , lift ( pay for fuel)
All will be well - good luck .

I don't think Casdon was unsympathetic just realistic. This anxiety does put the OP at risk and other drivers.. but it is not insurmountable...

I really didn’t intend to be unsympathetic. I genuinely do worry about anxious drivers because they can be so focussed on managing their anxiety that they don’t see hazards when they are driving, and get involved in accidents. It’s no safer to drive on roads you know than it is anywhere else, given that a high percentage of accidents happen less than five miles from home, and in 30mph limits. I’d urge anybody to drive more, take refresher lessons before driving again if they are anxious, for other road users’ sake as well as your own. Sorry if I’m preaching, I’ve seen the after effects of people driving when they aren’t safe, which colours my view on this.

Far & away the biggest cause of accidents resulting in injury is driving too fast, apparently.

I pften see this and it amazes me. All my experience of accidents has drivers going well below the speed limit.

My sister was knocked off her bike and killed by a lorry travelling at walking speed. A quiet back street T junction in central London, a lorry turning right slowly into a tree lined street with nose to tail parking that completely concealed the oncoming cyclist. The driver was such a nice man and left utterly distraught by what happened.

DD was disabled in a motor way accident when traffic in all lanes were doing 50 or less.I was involved in a motorway pile up when the traffic was doing well under 50mph and was well spaced, but someone braked on a wet road and skidded spinning into other cars and causing further damamge when cars instnctivley tried to steer out of trouble.

I had my car badly damaged when with full priority I was going round a roundabout at about 20mph, and an elderly driver who had been able and see me for at least a 100 yards came onto the roundabout travelling at about 10mph and drove straight into me.

I know anecdotal evidence amounts to little, but that is 4 anecdotes that include a death and a disability, and all involved my family, but do not involve speed. In each case we were given 'no fault' status.

I find hospital trips very stressful because of parking, or lack of it.

Appointment letters for our local hospitals strongly advise us to use public transport rather than drive there ourselves, because of the limited parking available 😕

I had driving anxiety also after Covid, it's horrible, I have social anxiety as well so having several friends & family who aren't local, it was really preventing me seeing them .I didn't have lessons (I'm so anxious doing things in front of other people & could have made me less confident), but since I've retired (from wfh) I have been driving so much more & it has largely disappeared.I don't totally agree that people who are anxious about driving are dangerous. If you're on the edge of a panic attack at the wheel, yes, but if it's mainly anticipatory anxiety & you're an experienced driver, there's no reason it would make you less safe. Far & away the biggest cause of accidents resulting in injury is driving too fast, apparently.

After covid I avoided driving but DH persuaded me to have a refresher course. The Instructor said there was nothing wrong with my driving but I was too slow. He gave me lots of useful advice.

I have made a point of increasing my driving month by month and I am so pleased I have because DH has long covid which has affected his arms and hands and it could take some time to get him back on track. I have now taken over the driving completely until he is better.

Do book some driving lessons.

I am not anxious on familiar routes but I plan unfamiliar routes very carefully which helps.
I find hospital trips very stressful because of parking, or lack of it. Not so much for visiting, but when dropping off or collecting a patient, it is useful to have a separate driver to park( or drive round the block and return) whilst you collect the patient and support them in whatever way they need, to get to the waiting car.
I wish you well, because it is worth mastering the art as you will need to drive in future.

Why not do a specialist course with a driving school which will be talored to help you over come your anxiety.

I googled 'refresher courses for nervous drivers' and, among the links that came up were advanced-driving.co.uk/essential-thinking-skills/driving-confidence-courses/ and www.bsm.co.uk/refresher-lessons

Use the search term above and add your location on the end and that will bring up local driving schools able to help you.

But, as others said, also just get out there and drive. Having driven very little since COVID, earlier this year, I found myself loosing confidence and feeling nervous, so for a month, I did all the driving in the family unless DH was going out somewhere on his own.

Fortunately the month concrened was quite busy and involved long distance driving. I drove 1,000 miles in the month and by the end my confidence had returned and DH said that my driving had also improved.

NannySue: you have my sympathy. I’m exactly the same. I’ve never been the most confident of drivers but I now spend 50% of the time at my partners and don’t drive his car so I’m getting more and more nervous except when I’m on roads that I know we’ll.