Anxious driver

To me it seems there are two issues here:

you would rather not drive, either all the time, or long distances, which probably entail using the motorway.

You are well within your rights to dislike driving, and to stop doing so, if it is causing you anxiety. And, if you feel you are no longer driving safely you MUST stop.

You have made arrangements for someone else to drive your husband to hospital, which brings me to the second issue:

Your husband saying you should be taking him. This to me sounds like the typical male way of saying he would like you to go with him to the hospital because like most of us, but no man will admit this, he is nervous of the operation.

So ask the driver if you can come along too, as others have suggested. If your husband is being discharged the same day, and whatever others think this is common practice now for knee and hip replacements, does this mean the driver will be hanging around waiting for him to be out of the recovery room and ready to go home?

If so, obviously you must go, and take the poor driver out for lunch or whatever meal is appropriate. I can't imagine anyone wanting to drive 120 miles back and forth to a hospital twice in one day!

If your husband will be sent home by ambulance or some kind of taxi service paid wholly or partly by the NHS, phone and ask if they are willing to transport you as well as him. If the are, you go too, taking a good book or your knitting with you for the time the op. plus recovery plus the surgeon getting up to see and discharge your husband takes.

If rules do not allow them to transport you at all, or only if you pay, then you have a reason for remaining at home that your husband may be cross with "the system" about, but can hardly blame you for.

I hope everything goes well, and he makes a speedy recovery.

I’m not a particularly anxious driver but since my husband gave up driving due to dementia and often argues with the Satnav I now go on the Google Earth app before I go somewhere unfamiliar. I go on street view at any tricky points on the route and check out the road signage and view the venue I am visiting to see the car park entrance etc. I find that I am more confident with my driving when I know what I have to contend with. I also leave in plenty of time in case of hold ups and can then take a coffee break half way if it’s a longer journey. I also use Google Earth to travel all over the world and virtually visit extraordinary places that I have no hope of ever visiting.
Also check Google maps if you can to see if there are any road closures ahead. In other words, be prepared.

NannySue45

Thank you for your comments.
All sorted now. I didn't have to drive to the hospital.... so I can just concentrate on looking after patient when they get home!! Feel much happier now 🙂

Just quoting this as NannySue is sorted.

Thinking of you, and MrNannySue

If it makes you feel bad- don't do it. It's just overnight for him- it's not like he's a little boy, but he's acting like one. He's actually rather selfish Tell him to 'man-up' - the big baby.

Oh dear - much sympathy from me. I would feel the same. I avoid driving on motorways now as I find them too stressful especially if I don't know the route well enough. In my 20s, 30s and beyond I used to drive all over Britain with work but since retiring several years ago, confidence (and ability) has greatly dwindled.

I used to get uneasy driving to somewhere I wasn’t sure of where it was or that I would have to drive the whole way on highways or motorways. But then I started using maps on my iPhone to give me directions to alternative routes and that allowed me to study the route - or alternative routes so I would understand where I was going before I even started the journey. Certainly took away any anxiety about the journey and even though I’m over 80 I have no issues because my iPhone directs me throughout the journey as to the route I’ve chosen.

For me, the biggest worry is negotiating busy traffic islands and entering the Motorway. I had to take Himself to eye clinic this morning - they dilate the eyes and I couldn't let him drive.
I have been driving for over 6O years so it must be old-age, not helped by the constant driving instructions from the passenger side.

Easily discombobulated these days, when driving. The trouble is, we live in the sticks.

Go with them, and the person will bring you back home. End of story. Do not let him be selfish about this one, because it will be a stepping stone to more selfishness when he's convalescing.

Oh dear - shoot me down in flames but I don’t think anxious/ non confident drivers should be behind the wheel! Roads are much faster and more dangerous these days and you need to be confident and quick witted.
In North Yorkshire our roads are full of older drivers who look 80plus. I know driving is a lifeline for many but this should not be at the expense of other drivers. Im 75 and I’m just about to have my driving ability assessed. I think this should be compulsory for ALL over 70’s. If there is any doubt about my capability to drive - thats it for me - hanging up
my car keys!!

I completely understand and empathise. I feel the same. Since lockdown the standard of driving and driver behaviour seems to have worsened significantly. I will now only drive short local trips and am becoming increasingly anxious as a passenger. Motorways are horrendous and I avoid them when I can. I would recommend you use taxis for trips you aren’t comfortable driving for. Re your husband’s hospital stay - your local ambulance service may provide a patient transport service. Our local Age Concern Service also provide hospital transfers so 2 alternative options to explore if available in your area. Please don’t feel guilty about your lack of confidence. Better to be aware of anxieties than find yourself in an uncomfortable and potentially panic situation. Wishing your husband a speedy recovery.

NotSpaghetti

NannySue45

Thank you for your comments.
All sorted now. I didn't have to drive to the hospital.... so I can just concentrate on looking after patient when they get home!! Feel much happier now 🙂

Just quoting this as NannySue is sorted.

Thinking of you, and MrNannySue

I so glad you didn’t have to drive , best wishes for your husbands convalescence 🌷 xx m

Buy a sat nav. I find it very helpful to have a female voice telling me what to do next. If I do miss a turning then it tells me how to get back on my route. find one with a display that you like.

Just in case there are more posters who can’t be bothered to RTFP NannySue told us that the problem is sorted at 13.50 today

I think there are 2 things to sort here. This lady isn’t comfortable driving now. On that basis she shouldn’t force herself or be forced to do it. Just accept it’s no longer what she wants and give up. Plenty of people stop or never have driven. Regarding the operation, I think it would be best for her and her husband if they go together, there and back and if a friend is happy to drive, just offer fuel money and a gift afterwards. Any follow up appointment may be able to use patient transport/friend or taxi

ALL IS WELL , THE POSTER DIDNT HAVE TO DRIVE

Prefer anxious drivers on the road, who presumably take it slowly, to full-on, speeding nut jobs, tail-gating, over-taking inappropriately etc.

Unfortunately Shizan anxious drivers pose a significant risk. Here’s what Brake, the Road Safety charity say.
www.brake.org.uk/how-we-help/raising-awareness/our-current-projects/news-and-blogs/driving-anxiety-who-is-in-danger

Suggest you book, say, three advanced driving lessons. The first would be a gentle assessment and the next two would be helping you build your confidence.
I did the advanced driving course and learned a lot; my confidence grew and I became a better driver.

I really sympathise as this was me some 15 years ago as I relied on my husband to all the driving. I was anxious going anywhere I didn't know and let anxiety get the better of me. Big mistake! When he left me and our young teenage daughter I was really stuck and had to tackle this fear as well as everything else. I now will drive anywhere and feel so much stronger and independent but it was hard getting there. My advice is as soon as your husband has recovered invest in some advanced driving lessons to help with your anxiety and perhaps seek some therapy to help with the fear? I used to challenge myself to go somewhere different every weekend my daughter was with her father. Good luck - you can do this!

My husband had an appointment about his glaucoma at a hospital about 40 minutes away. He was having eye drops and couldn't drive himself.
I wasn't available to take him and suggested a taxi.

Instead he embraced the challenge of public transport: bus from home into town, short walk to the station, train to the next town, short walk to the hospital.

Using his free bus pass and over-60s Railcard, the total cost for the return journey was £7.
Much cheaper than paying for diesel and the car park!

He took his rucksack with his iPad, book and crossword.
He had a great day out! 🤣

Please do not beat yourself up about this as I know just what you are going through. Your husband knows just how anxious you are and he will be well looked after by you when he gets home so I cannot understand why he would insist that you drive. Have a taxi or lift take you both there and back. Simple. I wouldn’t even entertain the idea. If you are anxious on the day then you could have or cause and accident. Take care.

I understand completely. I gave up driving 30 years ago because it sent my anxiety through the roof and I do not miss it one little bit.

Lankyladman

If it makes you feel bad- don't do it. It's just overnight for him- it's not like he's a little boy, but he's acting like one. He's actually rather selfish Tell him to 'man-up' - the big baby.

All sorted on Tuesday.

Chocolatenoodle8

Suggest you book, say, three advanced driving lessons. The first would be a gentle assessment and the next two would be helping you build your confidence.
I did the advanced driving course and learned a lot; my confidence grew and I became a better driver.

All sorted on Tuesday.

Davisuz

I really sympathise as this was me some 15 years ago as I relied on my husband to all the driving. I was anxious going anywhere I didn't know and let anxiety get the better of me. Big mistake! When he left me and our young teenage daughter I was really stuck and had to tackle this fear as well as everything else. I now will drive anywhere and feel so much stronger and independent but it was hard getting there. My advice is as soon as your husband has recovered invest in some advanced driving lessons to help with your anxiety and perhaps seek some therapy to help with the fear? I used to challenge myself to go somewhere different every weekend my daughter was with her father. Good luck - you can do this!

All sorted on Tuesday.