Feeling so unimportant to my adult kids

Philippa
You say:
I call my 86-year old mother every day, I know how important it is to her.

Maybe they will call you too - once you are 86 (and they know how important it is to you)?

Maybe they see you as still relativeloy busy and OK with a life of your own?

Do you want to chat to your mum everyday?
Or is it out of duty/feeling sorry for her?

I'm not criticising, just wondering.

Great advice Happilyretired123 - will try and keep things light!

I meant 4 kids and 5 grandchildren aged from 1 to 23!

I have 4 children 1 local the others a hundred or more miles away (in opposite parts of the country) and 5 children.
I hope it’s useful to share my experience:
-Everyone is different, one of my kids is in touch most days, the others less so, with one of them (a boy) who barely remembers birthdays and Christmas🤣. I have just had to accept who they are and where they are in their lives, which is v busy.
-I don’t think it’s much to do with upbringing as they all had a pretty similar one.
-it’s quite normal to feel sad and don’t let anyone tell you what you should be feeling.
-teenage grandkids have other priorities but in my experience when they are adults, have happy memories of us
So I don’t have any advice as such except allow yourself to feel sad which is possibly exacerbated by your health problems
Try and accept things as they are, and avoid inadvertently making your kids feel guilty (I am sure you don’t ). My ex mother in law was a sad lady for a number of reasons and used to weep at the end of every visit, and implore us to visit more often. It was too hard with 4 children and she lived 200 miles away. But it left my husband and me feeling guilty and a bit helpless, and upset the children.
So allow yourself to feel sad which doesn’t stop you getting on with other things you enjoy, but keep things light with your kids. Good luck

My first ever post on GN many years ago was asking for help as to why my daughter left me out of everything but went to theatre trips, meals etc with her friend and her mum but not me. I thought she was embarrassed by me. That was about 14 years ago and although this friend is no longer on the scene and things have improved slightly, it's still not great. I think we just have to accept it unfortunately. Skydancer is right. It's hard to accept but I know many mothers in the same position.

We always saw our parents regularly and helped them with any jobs needing doing, we were working and busy too with our children but grandparents were an important part of the family and we happily made time to see them. One set lived a couple of hours drive away with no car so needed picking up and taking back. Which we did. With good grace.
My dd lives half hour away , she hasn’t been to our house this year. Not fallen out but always too busy.
We are mid /late 70 s they don’t have to pick us up, just invite us once in a while. We won’t be around forever.

I agree with you all about keeping busy.
The crazy thing is that when I am busy, and then she calls and asks me to help with the kids and I have to say no, I feel guilty. So I end up sitting around waiting for her to need me.
As I write it I realize how crazy I must sound.
I do think I am mildly depressed (apparently another "gift" from Long Covid) and am dwelling on the half empty cup when it comes to my DD and my 4 local GCs (who I adore and have a great relationship with) - worrying about why I don't seem more important to them....

Talk to them, tell them how you feel

Toetoe

My 13 yr old gd was texting recently it was only then she told me the family have a family watsapp text group . I didn't know because I wasn't invited to be part of , 2 years on . Ouch , but then I guess I am not part of and why would I be . ( logical mind talking )

That must have been so painful Toetoe.. I really feel for you and can't imagine why they didn't include you.. I can't bear non-inclusivity

I actually said to my DD that we hardly ever do anything together. Her reply was that she was so tired after work and then at weekends she shops and does housework. Fair enough I suppose. I remember when I was really busy like her. We older ones probably over think as we have more time on our hands. I do believe though that our AC think we will always be there. And we have to face the fact that we love them more than they love us and that’s how it should be although it’s hard to accept.

I don't think you are 'needy' Philippa. It's natural to want to spend a bit of time with your children whatever their age or circumstances. We only have one child, a daughter. I rarely get invited to go anywhere with her. She goes lots of places with her own daughter and tells me about it. It would be nice to be invited along occasionally but it's never going to happen so I try to get on with my own life. At least we see them now and then.

I think many can relate to this.
Dads generally don’t seem as bothered as we mums. I know my dh isn’t.
Best thing is to keep busy with other things and live your life.

Sorry you are unhappy. I can relate to this too.

Speaking generally now whenever I see a thread where an OP is worried or upset by the lack of family contact there is often an OH who tells them they are being too sensitive. So Im wondering how many men feel pushed out and devalued in these circumstaces. Does it ever cross their minds? Or do they just get on with life? I suspect the latter.

Yes fleurpepper or visiting. I find this new phrase 'reaching out' for all types of communication very irritating.

Philippa60 I am just a few years younger than your DM and I feel very lucky that my DD, who lives far away, rings most days. Your DM must feel the same. Thank you to you and to my DD.
As for your own AC, you don't say how often you have contact with them, or how far away they are.
I hate to say it, but money helps. We took our teenage GSS on a canal holiday which was a real success. And we sometimes took everyone out for a celebratory meal. It's just me now, but I still try to provide good-fun get-togethers.
You don't say what your other interests are, not just domestic, but something that really uses you. Think about volunteering or learning.
I am struggling without my DH but would hate my AC and GSS to think I depended on them.

Aveline

By 'reaching out' do you mean phoning, texting or emailing?

or visiting?

My 13 yr old gd was texting recently it was only then she told me the family have a family watsapp text group . I didn't know because I wasn't invited to be part of , 2 years on . Ouch , but then I guess I am not part of and why would I be . ( logical mind talking )

By 'reaching out' do you mean phoning, texting or emailing?

I agree with wintetwhite Our family WhatsApp is fairly busy, even if just a quick photo or message most days. They will post photos of places they are, or meals or something like that. Yesterday I posted a photo of the blackberries I had picked and got an "Ooh, yummy" message back. Nothing profound and they have busy lives but it maintains a connection.

Do you have a family WhatsApp? I joke and exchange inf with my 3 DDs and it’s great. Sometimes it goes quiet for a bit esp during the working week but then perks up again.

Agree with whoever said ‘Don’t be needy’. Important.

I sympathise and feel the same sometimes about my own family. Both my AC now have small children and I admit, I had expected to see much more of my GC than I do. I understand my children have busy lives, but it seems they always find time to spend with others before me! However, when I feel resentful, I cast my mind back to when we were young parents ourselves, and how often we went to visit our own parents, or had them come to us. It really wasn’t that often, probably because weekends were so precious as we both worked full time. Travelling with tinies isn’t much fun, and I can definitely remember feeling that visiting my MIL seemed like a chore!

I think, just don’t dwell on this too much, keep yourself busy and make the most of the times when you do get together with family.

I agree on that (somewhat different) point Biglouis. I agree with AGAA4 too. One day the OPs DD will understand how it feels to have none of her AC contact her regularly and will think back to her own mother's experience. I do agree that selfishness is rife in families

Speaking as someone who was once an "adult child" of elderly parents I think it depends upon how much you feel your parents valued you. If you were under valued as a child compared with your sibling/s then you may not feel any obligation to reach out to your parents once you become independent. You leave it to your favoured sibling to do all that.

The bitter harvest which the golden child reaps is that they often end up as the carer.

We bring them up to be independent and have their own lives but it can hurt us too. Parents need their adult children much more than the they need us.
I am on my own now and have friends, hobbies and interests but my children will always be the most important part of my life even though I don't see them very often as they all live away.
Hopefully when you feel better after long covid you won't feel as upset about your children's lack of contact. Hope you feel better soon 💐