Feeling so unimportant to my adult kids

I can relate and bet many on here do as well, they’ll be along soon I expect.
I love seeing my own Mum and we do things together but my grown up girls usually want something or need help with something rather than wanting to go out.Guess it’s natural.
I have work, interests and friends and concentrate on those.
As a Mum we spend so many years as mother duck it’s hard to let go, even when our kids are Mums ( and Dads) as well.
Acknowledge how you feel, it’s valid and then try not to let it define your life for the future.You’ve done a good job, now try and think of them as fully fledged adults, am sure they love you and would be horrified to think you’re sad.Their generation just isn’t as good at staying as close to family I think.

You do sound like you may be a little depressed and/or anxious. Covid can leave one feeling very deflated and fatigued and this can easily result in mild depression.

AC can (subconsciously) be quite unthinking as it’s such a busy time for them, balancing work, children, pets, friends etc that us “older people” can get pushed to the back of their minds.

Lots of things you can do:-

Leave things as they are but take steps to manage your own feelings by finding something new to do.

Speak very gently with your daughter, maybe over a coffee or something stronger and explain how you feel, trying not to make a big deal of it.

If you are feeling very low then consider seeing your GP.

Maybe take a holiday with your DH and put family out of your mind for a week.

Find something you think your DD and her family would really enjoy and see if they’d be interested.

I don’t think they mean to be so unthinking. I’d say it was pretty normal though.

Oreo and Cossy, thank you both for the lovely and kind comments, I am sure you are right in what you say.
My H finds this stage of life easier to handle than I do. I guess as a Mum I still want to feel needed and significant to them, but at the same time I know that it is absolutely normal and right that they shouldn't need me!

It’s perfectly normal to feel the way you do (unless of course if it’s something like depression) if it is talk to someone about it there is always a cure. I am sure lots of parents of grown up children feel the same way. I do and I don’t mind admitting it but I have to accept my role has had to change. I occupy my mind more now to cover my woes about empty nest syndrome.

We used to get together more as a family but that has trailed off considerably. Both my DS and DD have families and busy working lives and rarely catch up these days that worries me too. But there is nothing I can do about it I cannot dictate their time anymore I have tried.

It’s a common feeling I share with my close friends who notice this feeling even more after retirement. I have immersed myself even more into my few hobbies and interests. It’s the way I deal with it I hope you can find away to help you.

If this feeling of not being wanted has only happened after covid then maybe you are depressed as a result of that.. If it is affecting other areas of your life I would see your GP..

or maybe just stop making requests to your DD so often.. she may feel overwhelmed with all the other activities in her life.. give her some space.. I would listen to your sensible hubbie and do some other activities. You are still loved but not needed so much.. you've obviously done a good job!!

i think it's an aspect of our increasingly materialistic society.
most of my friends are from other countries, esp africa and asia, also mediterranean and east european.
they often express astonishment and bafflement at what they see as cold-hearted younger people re their elders.
to them, life is communality, sharing love and laughter with a widening circle to encompass friends as well as family.
they also share in hard, difficult times.
and elders are at the very centre of that, joyfully.
all other things are subsidiary, and have to fit around.
sorry, not much help to OP, but i agree with others above, it is common in this society.
it is largely unthinking, a kind of group-think, as to priorities.
maybe OP could volunteer in some kind of supportive role, like home start ? (if in uk )

It’s very sad that some adult children have very little todo with their parents.

My son’s best friend (since they were 5) came round recently. I asked after his Mum and he said she was fine. I saw her a few days later and said how nice it was to see him and what he had said and she said “ he doesn’t know how I am, he never calls round and he lives under a mile away.”

I hear this tale often, after giving up a lot for them and doing your best they don’t want to know later.

Philippa, having spent the most meaningful years as wife and mother it can be hard to let go of being wanted for one's company and usefulness. In our culture the older woman is not deferred to as in some traditional societies.

Of course the younger can be good mannered and understand the needs of the elder. However that would seldom include hob -nobbing on the same level.

I find that acceptance is the solution to regrets and discontent.

Yes sadly I feel this deeply mainly because I live alone . When gc were young I was needed more and loved every time I was helping them out . I have had to accept I'm not important to them and it can be weeks and weeks before I see them . Now and again I will text and ask if I can come over for a few hours and often they have family plans and then it gets forgotten. Life is busy and happy for them and I'm happy they are happy . I now live my life and try not to wait in anticipation for an invite or a visit . I do understand 💕

Primrose53

It’s very sad that some adult children have very little todo with their parents.

My son’s best friend (since they were 5) came round recently. I asked after his Mum and he said she was fine. I saw her a few days later and said how nice it was to see him and what he had said and she said “ he doesn’t know how I am, he never calls round and he lives under a mile away.”

I hear this tale often, after giving up a lot for them and doing your best they don’t want to know later.

The people I know like this, who have a child who barely wants to know them now, spoilt them as children.
Thought they were wonderful, did what they wanted etc.

Not at all saying the Op was like this.

In most cases I doubt it’s a case of ‘doesn’t want to know them’ but more a case of generational selfishness in my view.Life now is more about the self than it was and is for us older people.

Oreo

In most cases I doubt it’s a case of ‘doesn’t want to know them’ but more a case of generational selfishness in my view.Life now is more about the self than it was and is for us older people.

I think this is true. Our son, DIL and 2 GC (19 and 16) live just a few minutes walk away, but we can go for weeks without seeing them or hearing from them. Nothing the matter, just busy with their own lives.

Our DD and other GC live in Australia, I honestly think if it were she who lived locally, we would see more of them.

It often feels as though it’s just me and DH now. If one of us were left, would it be any different?

For a short time maybe. 🤷‍♀️

There's a pattern where one person always reaches out and the other knows that happens regularly and then rejects the offer. Change that, don't do it. Instead, do something different. Send a basket of fruit, or bake something and drop it off..say how much you admire them and leave then to sit with that for a couple of months, then make a suggestion to host them for a meal or take them out for Sunday lunch. Most of all, don't be needy, just be yourself and enjoy an equal relationship. Good luck!

Great comments here, I am reading and taking them on board. Thank you so much!
I think "generational selfishness" is a thing!
I call my 86-year old mother every day, I know how important it is to her.
My kids rarely call just to say hello or chat.
I definitely should try and be less needy!

We bring them up to be independent and have their own lives but it can hurt us too. Parents need their adult children much more than the they need us.
I am on my own now and have friends, hobbies and interests but my children will always be the most important part of my life even though I don't see them very often as they all live away.
Hopefully when you feel better after long covid you won't feel as upset about your children's lack of contact. Hope you feel better soon 💐

Speaking as someone who was once an "adult child" of elderly parents I think it depends upon how much you feel your parents valued you. If you were under valued as a child compared with your sibling/s then you may not feel any obligation to reach out to your parents once you become independent. You leave it to your favoured sibling to do all that.

The bitter harvest which the golden child reaps is that they often end up as the carer.

I agree on that (somewhat different) point Biglouis. I agree with AGAA4 too. One day the OPs DD will understand how it feels to have none of her AC contact her regularly and will think back to her own mother's experience. I do agree that selfishness is rife in families

I sympathise and feel the same sometimes about my own family. Both my AC now have small children and I admit, I had expected to see much more of my GC than I do. I understand my children have busy lives, but it seems they always find time to spend with others before me! However, when I feel resentful, I cast my mind back to when we were young parents ourselves, and how often we went to visit our own parents, or had them come to us. It really wasn’t that often, probably because weekends were so precious as we both worked full time. Travelling with tinies isn’t much fun, and I can definitely remember feeling that visiting my MIL seemed like a chore!

I think, just don’t dwell on this too much, keep yourself busy and make the most of the times when you do get together with family.

Do you have a family WhatsApp? I joke and exchange inf with my 3 DDs and it’s great. Sometimes it goes quiet for a bit esp during the working week but then perks up again.

Agree with whoever said ‘Don’t be needy’. Important.

I agree with wintetwhite Our family WhatsApp is fairly busy, even if just a quick photo or message most days. They will post photos of places they are, or meals or something like that. Yesterday I posted a photo of the blackberries I had picked and got an "Ooh, yummy" message back. Nothing profound and they have busy lives but it maintains a connection.

By 'reaching out' do you mean phoning, texting or emailing?

My 13 yr old gd was texting recently it was only then she told me the family have a family watsapp text group . I didn't know because I wasn't invited to be part of , 2 years on . Ouch , but then I guess I am not part of and why would I be . ( logical mind talking )

Aveline

By 'reaching out' do you mean phoning, texting or emailing?

or visiting?

Philippa60 I am just a few years younger than your DM and I feel very lucky that my DD, who lives far away, rings most days. Your DM must feel the same. Thank you to you and to my DD.
As for your own AC, you don't say how often you have contact with them, or how far away they are.
I hate to say it, but money helps. We took our teenage GSS on a canal holiday which was a real success. And we sometimes took everyone out for a celebratory meal. It's just me now, but I still try to provide good-fun get-togethers.
You don't say what your other interests are, not just domestic, but something that really uses you. Think about volunteering or learning.
I am struggling without my DH but would hate my AC and GSS to think I depended on them.