Feeling so unimportant to my adult kids

Whoever said being a parent is easy?! One of the hardest things about it is realising that, when they grow up, you cease to be central to their lives. Now is the time to have your own life, free from the desire to be Forever Mummy. I'm not unsympathetic, believe me, but it's more a case of recognising their ability to stand on their own two feet than anything else.

Your post has made me feel better - yes I will enjoy my time with my wonderful husband and have stopped being at her beck and call , no more lifts gifts and think I’ll spend the money on us xx

Oreo

I can relate and bet many on here do as well, they’ll be along soon I expect.
I love seeing my own Mum and we do things together but my grown up girls usually want something or need help with something rather than wanting to go out.Guess it’s natural.
I have work, interests and friends and concentrate on those.
As a Mum we spend so many years as mother duck it’s hard to let go, even when our kids are Mums ( and Dads) as well.
Acknowledge how you feel, it’s valid and then try not to let it define your life for the future.You’ve done a good job, now try and think of them as fully fledged adults, am sure they love you and would be horrified to think you’re sad.Their generation just isn’t as good at staying as close to family I think.

Hi I’m new to to this group and a have read and can relate a lot of posts ,done a lot of reading online to find answers as I do feel like I’ve been thrown away as a Mum.
I can’t grasp why my 31 year old much loved daughter doesn’t seem to bother much with me
Think I gave her too much and spoiled her . I guess I fed the monster and now just miss the closeness. She’s got a great fiance money and good job . I feel like she’s forgotten me and I have to beg to see her ( at least that’s what it feels like) we have family get togethers when I arrange them usually at my home with hubby - rarely get an invitation to theirs unless I invite myself . Don’t like doing that anymore . It’s 2.30 and I. Still awake as it’s on my mind .i know they have their own lives and I keep my nose out but these days I feel like an afterthought she lives 20 minutes away. I’m starting to not like her at the moment ….

I hope you will feel better about it all once your health improves.

In the meantime, try to follow your husband's advice, and try too, to think back and remember, how you felt as a young or youngish mother, whenever your mother phoned or dropped in, or whatever she did.

Were her or your MIL's suggestions, visits etc always delightful?

No, I don't for a minute suspect they were - you probably often thought Oh Heck, here we go again, but were too polite to say so.

Try when you start feeling more energetic again to find some more things that you can do, independent of your adult children and grandchildren AND some things you can do with that nice, sensible sounding man you are married to.

My BIL lost his wife nearly 3 years ago. While she was very ill she did say to him that she hoped he realised that if anything happened they were on their own. They have2 adult daughters who are completely selfish and uncaring and were always spoilt. Their parents helped them out massively financially and emotionally as they are very highly strung and needy.

One lives about 45 mins away, the other less than 2 hours and they both have cars but he says they only visit when they want something like childcare, dogsitting or money. He says his wife’s words echo all the time. A very sad situation.

I have only just come across this post. Phillipa60 your situation is pretty much identical to mine with one son in Australia and a daughter quite close with teenage grandchildren. A lot of my friends still have under 5 grandchildren so are involved in a lot of child minding! I feel very similar to a lot of the posters on here. I try not to be needy. It’s hard sometimes and we do overthink things. Find Christmas very difficult as my daughter and family have their own things to do and sometimes go abroad skiing or similar at that time. I have booked for my husband, myself and the dog to go to the seaside this Christmas. I took the bull by the horns as I didn’t want to sit at home feeling sad! Probably keeping busy is the answer but there are times when we are not busy and these thoughts take over.

Thank you all, you are wonderfully kind, supportive Grans on this thread, your support has meant the world to me

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, the only loving relationship where we have to be happy for someone who is more than dear to us to leave us and get on with their lives without us. It is counterintuitive, and we obviously hope and pray that our grown children and grandchildren will want us to be a part of their lives. Is only natural.
As someone else has suggested try a family WhatsApp thread, we have one of these and frequently share jokes and funny vids. And why not try organising a family zoom call every so often if family members live a distance away, just a quick chat every other week, make it ‘a thing’.
In the meantime find time to do something for yourself, even if it is just sitting down to watch Netflix with your favourite chocs and a glass of wine.
Long covid is horrid, and I wish you all the best with that, not nearly enough is being done to help those suffering from it, but that is another thread.
X

Philippa60

Sorry for the unhappy post, but I'm feeling blue and wanted to tap into the collective wisdom of the warm and supportive grandparents on Gransnet.
I have 2 adult kids, a daughter who lives close by, and a son who lives far away in Australia.
My daughter has a lovely husband and 4 wonderful kids, our GCs, and my son has a lovely wife and one little girl.
I feel like I spend my life waiting for them to reach out, and to want to be with us (virtually in my son's case of course).
I often reach out to my daughter and suggest doing stuff, either all together or just with the kids, but more often than not the suggestions don't seem welcome and are rejected.
My DD typically only reaches out when she needs something which hurts me a lot.
I try so hard not to feel like my life revolves around them, and I do work part time and have friends and other interests.
I've been unwell with Long Covid so maybe that's part of it, but I just feel sad, and more than anything - unwanted.
My H tells me not to take it personally, and not to care so much, but it's hard!
3 of the GCs are growing up, teenagers or pre-teems, and it is entirely normal that we, the GP, are not the center of their life!
I know I should be happy that my kids are happy in their own lives, and we have faded into the background as it should be.
So why I am feeling like this?
Can anyone relate and does anyone have any advice?
Thank you!

This happens such a lot. You are lucky you have your husband, so spend quality time with him and let your family get on with their lives. My husband died a few years ago and I would give anything to have had more years with him. Stop worrying about what your children are or are not doing, live your life with your husband, go on holiday, out for days you will soon find that when you are enjoying your lives together they will son be knocking on your door and when they do and ask you for something, tell them you are going somewhere. Don't be at their beck and call.

I am telling you this because it happened to us, I was so busy childminding our grandchildren, being at our daughter's beck and call but never being invited to their house, that when my husband became ill I realised how many years we had missed out on, just him and me, going out on our own without grand kids tagging along.

We loved our grandkids but if I had my time over again, I would definitely not be at our daughters beck and call, I would put my husband first. We brought up our own daughters so why should we have to do it all again with our grandkids. Now all I can think of is the years we wasted when we could have gone travelling instead of looking after grandkids day in and day out. Now I hardly ever see our family. I have not seen one daughter since March now the grandkids are teenagers.

I feel for you. I can relate to this and I'm reading the useful advice other grans have posted.
Someone recently pointed out to me that it's a good thing my children are so busy and independent, because that's how we brought them up, which I guess is true. Although I've got a busy life myself, it doesn't stop me wanting to share in my children's lives and concerns a bit more.

I try to keep the lines of communication open and see them individually sometimes if I can. I also try to keep up a couple of regular, annual family meet-ups, like the August bank holiday family barbecue, but it's becoming harder to do these things as the years pass.

As other grans have said, we can try and keep up a connection. It isn't all down to us though.

My local GCs are 15, 12, 10 and 2. I agree that teenagers are self absorbed! I know that the oldest 2 truly love us, but they don't have much time for us which is completely normal!
My sad mood takes over sometimes and reads too much into things...

What lovely memories, Primrose.
Phillipa, I wonder if the ages of your GC are relevant here. Little ones often enjoy times with GP, but teenagers can be a little self- absorbed! Keep the channels of communication open and hope for the best.

Thank you, luluaugust. It's really a nightmare and I have tried everything to recover.

I was astonished to find the other day that DD hadn’t dropped in because she thought DH and I were busy, we had mentioned clearing out a cupboard!
All the AC living nearby work full time and have teenagers so it is difficult to come and sit with us all the time
I am sorry you have suffered with this wretched long covid, take care.

Primrose53 that's beautiful

I always took my Mum out either shopping, on holidays, for lunch or eating fish and chips overlooking the sea, which she loved. Frequently my daughter would come with us.

Often staff in shops or cafes would ask if we were 3 generations with Mum about 90, me about 60 and my daughter 30. Some staff got quite tearful and said they would give anything to be able to take their late Mum out for just one day. Mum would be bursting with pride and say “they treat me like the Queen”.

It wasn’t always easy to juggle things around with my husband and son and other commitments but I am so glad we managed it. Precious memories. 🙂

Thanks, NotSpaghetti.
Unfortunately I'm stuck with Long Covid since June 2022, and a recent re-infection has made things worse.
I hate being needy and have always been the strong, super busy, almost Superwoman type, but this is now the new me and I find it so hard....

Philippa60
I felt very sorry for myself after Covid. It's taken a month to feel more normal.
😕

Be kind to yourself. 💐

Toetoe - I was just trying to explain that the "family" WhatsApp you talked about is just what my family call "siblings".

Why not create a "Toetoe and family" WhatsApp?
Put everyone in you would like to hear from now and then, and send a "hello" message out to them?

I might say:

"HELLO, this is Toetoe - just wondering what you are all up to? I'm in the garden and just wanted to share this (xxx) with you. (send a photo maybe?)
I thought this was an easy way to keep in touch.
Thinking of you" ❤️

Give it a go. 🍀

Thankyou pascal and not spaghetti for your replies re Watsapp family group.

It's just another sadness to swallow down . I am used to it now

I can remember my mum saying wistfully that my cousin phoned her DM daily.I thought that was unnecessary and think that mum did too really

I message my DD in Australia weekly. We usually chat for about half an hour, but often struggle to find much to chat about! When you have exhausted the weather, how everyone is, what they are all doing….

As for DS who lives locally, as I said previously, weeks can go by. A friend once said she and her sons ring each other every evening, and they all live locally.

No idea what they all talk about.

NotSpaghetti you are so right, it's absolutely out of duty that I call her and I would hate my DD to do that.
Sorry for the pity party on here.
I really haven't been feeling great with the Long Covid and I do think mild depression is part of it.
Thank you all for the wonderful support

Like NotSpaghetti we have a family WhatsApp but the siblings have their own - mainly football related I'm told.

I am so happy that they chat to eachother and hope they will always be friends when I'm gone.

I sometimes feel lonely and abandoned and have to give myself a telling. I know that they know we love eachother. We don't have to be always checking.

I can remember my mum saying wistfully that my cousin phoned her DM daily. I thought that was unnecessary and think mum did too really.

Toetoe - my adult children have a "siblings" WhatsApp.
My husband and I are obviously not on that one!

WhatsApp is our family friend too.
It doesn't interfere with life but helps you feel "in touch".