Troublesome children...opinions please.

Your relationship with your partner is the important one. You don't have to have a relationship with his family.
Keep visits with them to a minimum and stay polite however badly they behave.
Remember Michelle Obama's advice. When they go low you go high.

My thoughts are when you go into a full time relationship you also take on their family . I think you already know this .
I wish you all the very best

As you dont seem to like each other there is no reason for you to spend time with them, let your partner spend time alone with them and do not comment negatively about them to him, if he has to choose it will not be you.

Gosh, I know this....I would be the one to lose out and I appreciate this.
I am wondering weather this is all a bit too much for me...I seem unable to brush it away. The feeling of not fitting in and the control she had over him was very uncomfortable yesterday.

I have a step son of my own from my marriage and we have worked hard to get on well...and have a fabulous relationship. NO jealously or funniness..so I know it's possible.
I don't want to waste any more time in the wrong situation but equally don't want to run from something if it's me being a bit silly.....

As a step mother I know how difficult it can be, treading on eggshells all the time. Even if your partner mainly sees his family on his own, there will be times when you will be there with him. Did he show support for you yesterday?

I have 2 experiences to share, my father remarried and his new wife did not get on with my brother at all, she wasnt my favourite but I didn’t rock the boat, it all ended badly of course.
With this in mind when I started dating after loosing my wife, being compatible with the rest of my family (3 daughters) was important. It was a good plan my new partner fits right in and has become best friends with my eldest.

If you new partner is close to adult children it’s going to be hard work

I don't think you are being silly Jamcreamandscones.

The anticipation that you'll be walking on egg shells whenever you're about to have contact with his D will be stressful and if her behaviour toward you, and the control she has over her father is making you feel uncomfortable already, maybe you should to take some time to to consider whether or not this relationship is going to work in the long term.

How long have you been with your new partner?

Does your new partner have just the one daughter? How many times have you been in her company?

If it is just one daughter and other siblings are fine with you, then I would just try to keep your chin up and bear it. If other siblings are similar, then you have an uphill battle that you may need to reconsider, or chat with your partner about.
If this was the first time spent together, just chalk it up to nerves; if this is an ongoing pattern, then same advice as above.

I think it also depends on how often your partner spends time with his family. She may see you as a bit of a threat to her relationship with her father, and there is always the money thing as well, she may see you as trying to take advantage of her father.

I wish you well, and I think you need to not over-react if this was just one episode, but tread carefully at future meetings.

The first meeting was going to be difficult for you. Your partner will be proud of the fact that his daughter has “married well” & wants for nothing ( except for good manners!! ) Were their children nice - could focus on them? You often find an arrogance comes with some people when they have money & high profile jobs. They can tend to promote themselves & their importance at the slightest opportunity. Think it’s to reaffirm to themselves that they’ve made it? All very foolish and a silly game to play. They are really very immature & a poor example to their children.
Think a lot of mms nowadays take themselves off for mini breaks with girlfriends( if they are in position to afford it! Seems alien to me as we penny pinched when family were small & had no spare for ‘earned breaks’. Didn’t feel the need to abandon family either! Times change - don’t judge her for it.
Don’t let it spoil your new relationship! Rise above it- you can listen & not particularly join in. Keep your thought on them to yourself.
If they want dessert again - ask them what they’d like? M&S, cook or Waitrose? Say you’ve no time to make one - insults don’t hurt if you’ve made no effort.
Hope you can sort out your feelings & don’t let it ruin your happiness

This relationship sounds quite new and maybe you don't live together? The daughter is clearly your partner's little princess who isn't prepared to accept you into her life..

If you can have a relationship that is entirely independent of her it might work.. but if you wish to be fully integrated into the family it looks unlikely from the way you have described it.. I think you would be more comfortable with someone else, but only you know what you are prepared to put up with..

Concentrate on your relationship with your partner; his daughter is a grown woman with a husband and four children, she is not going to be playing a large part in your life, nor you in hers. Accept you lead different lives and don't obsess about theirs. Don't send your partner off on his own when he meets them, that is just silly, and stop looking for slights.

Is she an only daughter and daddy's girl? She won't let go and you won't be able to change things. You will either need to accept things the way they are or let him go.

Toetoe

My thoughts are when you go into a full time relationship you also take on their family . I think you already know this .
I wish you all the very best

I agree with this comment and wish I could give you some wonderful advice!
To be honest, apart from your partner, they sound like a rude, arrogant and totally disrespectful group of people and only you can decide if you want to spend the time and energy with them because they will be in your life to a degree.
I experienced a similar situation many years ago only it was my ex-partners mother...
I hope you reach the right decision for you.

I couldn't be bothered with it, better off alone.

I would never tie the knot with this partner as his family is quite a load of baggage. However, I would enjoy his friendship and companionship and just keep it at that, forever, with my life separate. Anything more serious sounds like a relationship bomb about to explode.

You sound tired and fed up, life hasn’t been easy for you and so the last thing you need right now is more aggravation. Try to keep your relationship with your new partner on a slow burn for now, just enjoy being with him and don’t commit to anything that means you have to embrace his family too.
Fact is you don’t owe him or his daughter anything, and if he or she want to have you in their lives let them make the effort, just keep it light and stop doing the running.
If she was a child it would be different but she is a woman with her own life so much easier to ignore her and just get on with having fun with your partner, sounds like fun is something you really need right now.

I watched one of my friends descend into misery after her step son to be sabotaged her upcoming marriage with his manipulations .
Don't let it happen to you .
The friend had met an old flame and they were both alone after failed marriages .
Her children welcomed him and his son deeply resented her .
The wedding was put on hold for several years until his father finally realised what was going on .

This guy loves you and that is all that matters .
Don't let her get under your skin -making you feel inferior and inadequate .
Be happy !

Such excellent, well balanced advice. Thank you for being so kind.
I know a lot of this is "my stuff.." stuff that I'm bringing in from past experiences.
I need to maybe work on this a bit.
Daughter and family and (ex wife come to think of it)...will continue being how they have always been regardless of how I feel.
I understand this to a certain extent ..but also feel so sad as I have a step son who is married now with own children and we have a Fabulous relationship built on trust, respect and patience (humour too)
I just can't see this happening here at all.
I understand that I have to accept it or move on. V difficult as I really, really love this man x

eazybee

Concentrate on your relationship with your partner; his daughter is a grown woman with a husband and four children, she is not going to be playing a large part in your life, nor you in hers. Accept you lead different lives and don't obsess about theirs. Don't send your partner off on his own when he meets them, that is just silly, and stop looking for slights.

This sounds like good advice to me.👏

Jamcreamandscones

Such excellent, well balanced advice. Thank you for being so kind.
I know a lot of this is "my stuff.." stuff that I'm bringing in from past experiences.
I need to maybe work on this a bit.
Daughter and family and (ex wife come to think of it)...will continue being how they have always been regardless of how I feel.
I understand this to a certain extent ..but also feel so sad as I have a step son who is married now with own children and we have a Fabulous relationship built on trust, respect and patience (humour too)
I just can't see this happening here at all.
I understand that I have to accept it or move on. V difficult as I really, really love this man x

If you really love this man then hopefully he will appreciate that and listen to your very valid concerns.. I'm glad you have a great relationship with your step-son. I'd give it time..

You sound like a hard working, very decent person with a great sense of humour (I enjoyed the description of your current chap’s family). So, why are you wasting your time with these saddos? You’ve made the effort to get on with them, they have been arseholes. I’d look very closely at a partner who thinks you are ‘over tired and emotional’ when you have been so badly treated.

...or enjoy your time with him and live separate lives too..

I think you are seeing warning signs because of what you went through before, trust your instincts. Your new partner should be supporting you when you meet with his family and if he doesn't then run a mile.