Dislike of driving

Snowbelle

Babs03

Can’t these visitors use the train, then you could pick up from the station?

Or they could use a taxi to and from the station.

I think the problem is solved.
Old thread. 17th August 2024

I don’t like driving long distances but ok for an hour or two. I’d rather stay in a motel or hotel than someone’s house ( other than family). Just me. I like to be free.

Babs03

Can’t these visitors use the train, then you could pick up from the station?

Or they could use a taxi to and from the station.

Plenty of people have already lost it due to health/injury or medication problems.

Its not always a case of use it or lose it. Some things are beyond your control, sometimes. It's sad not everyone has the understanding to realise that and just writes off people as if they can't be bothered.

Again, use it or lose it- it is that simple.

First of all I'm sorry all your fiends have cancelled - it seems unlikely they are all suddenly ill! I am divorced and in my 60's and make sure I keep up my driving skills, on motorways and in busy towns etc as otherwise it will severely limit my life. Public transport is not the same as driving your own car - many National Trust properties for example are very remote. BUT what really makes me keen to keep up my motoring skills was observing what happened to my mother's friends as they were widowed, from their 60's onwards. Many of them had delegated all the driving to their husbands and when they died (or left) were completely stuck as they didn't, or wouldn't drive. They'd lost their confidence and were unwilling to take some refresher lessons and start again. My own Mum was widowed with four youngish children and had to grasp the mettle and get on with it. Subsequently into her 80's she would be offering lifts to much younger friends who took her for granted! Some of them were most offended when due to advancing age she sold the car and took to taking taxis... I'd say use it or lose it when it comes to driving - sadly we never know when we will lose a beloved partner and not being able or willing to drive can make isolation and loneliness much worse.

You not only have to re-establish your confidence in yourself and your own driving skills; you need to build your own rapport with the vehicle and that sometimes takes a while. Everyone drives differently. If you’re not used to a car and the amount of acceleration you need to give it, you can be slow getting away from junctions and taking advantage of gaps in traffic on roundabouts. DH’s last car had power to match its size and he loved it, but when my turn came I never quite got used to it. I now have a smaller vehicle that is beginning to fit me like a second skin and I know it can deliver if I need to move quickly.

SuperTinny, enjoy your bank holiday visitors, and it will be interesting to see if your other visitors contact you to arrange another visit.

I'm on a visit at the moment to a dear friend down south. It's involved a train journey as near to her as I could get, then car hire and a stay at a hotel not too far away. It's all been quite stressful, especially when they have me a bigger car than requested as all the small ones had gone. BUT as they say - "I felt the fear and did it anyway". I've been able to drive her around as she doesn't get out that often and despite some hiccups with the car - working out how to open the boot to put her walker in, not knowing how to adjust wing mirrors, taking ages to sort out the satnav, I've actually quite enjoyed it and it has been a big boost to my confidence. I'm returning the car this morning and will be home this afternoon. Just got to work out how to find nearest petrol station to fill up near car hire place. We're both in our 70s and sadly I don't know that I could do this all again but I'm so glad I bit the bullet and decided to hire a car. It was slightly less stressful than a long journey down the M6 and M1.

I’m legally allowed to drive but after two dense cataract removals my consultant has asked me to wait and see if I will need driving glasses. The first operation went badly wrong but I still have 73% sight and the second operation went really well. Three weeks later I can see every crumb in the kitchen. I’m hopeful.

But we look forward to our third set of visitors over the bank holiday weekend who are still coming!

And I am cancelling my A/L day and going into work.

So nothing wasted (apart from some vegan food...........)

Thanks everyone. The reason they all happened to come at once was because having cancelled before I gave them dates that were suitable for me and both sets of visitors happened to chose them close together. It's not something I would generally encourage but there were timelines involved: trying to fit it in during school holidays (one visitor a teacher and another a child starting school this year).

The confidence thing is what baffles me. One visitor is my oldest friend and her husband. Although she passed her driving test, she never enjoyed driving and gave up very quickly. When we lived in the same town I drove everywhere when we did stuff together. My friends daughter also hates driving, presumably because she never saw her mum drive. So even though my friends husband couldn't drive this time and my friend doesn't drive, their daughter (36 yrs) who was coming with them didn't offer to do the driving either.

Then my other visitors, also a young mum (37yrs) didn't want to drive to us because her own mum (who was coming with her) wasn't able (temporarily) to share the driving. Her excuse was she doesn't like driving on the motorway. The irony here is there is the quickest route offers just one motorway junction to negotiate (get on one junction from the end of the motorway before it morphs into an 'A' road). Had she asked I could have provided an alternative route so there would have been no motorway at all!! I couldn't be bothered to suggest it because I'm sure another excuse would have been forthcoming.

I have to confess I wasn't very keen on driving myself when I passed my test but I recognised the need to get going with it or I would never get any confidence.

I've also been very keen to be a positive role model for my daughter, so she has seen and known me driving in the USA, and Europe, and also driving all over Britain on road trips we took when I was a single mum.

Consequently she passed her test first time at seventeen and a half. I allowed her to use my car a couple of times a week providing she took me and picked me up from work. She was one of the first of her friends to drive and although it terrified me to let her out driving on her own,or with a car load of friends, she has now turned into an extremely confident and competent driver.

Its just a shame none of our 'away' friends share that confidence.

No, I am not a good driver, I am fair to middling, and I do understand when people feeling that they cannot cope with driving, but if you have a really useful skill, I do think you need to see if you can rebuild your confidence and keep it, before you decide you cannot cope and give it up.

It sounds like you are all very good drivers and feel pleased with your ability to cope, but there can be many reasons why someone cannot drive which we shouldn't judge them for.
In the past it used to be usual to give petrol money to the driver, so if someone is not willing or able to drive, but can contribute another way, surely it's not a problem?

May be it's the thought of being stuck in holiday traffic.

flappergirl

Blimey. I couldn't be doing with 3 sets of visitors in a week. Are you running a B&B OP! In future, why not just book a nice relaxing break away and please yourself.

Excellent advice!

madeleine45- great post and so so true.

Greyduster, thank goodness you cope in an emergency, well done you. But this is the worst scenario- not driven for ages, lost confidence and skills, on top of the panic and worry of an emergency for a loved one. Does not bear thinking about- and yet I hear it all the time around me 'oh I never drive these days, but keep my licence in case of an emergency. Seriously worrying.

I think it is very important to keep your driving skills up to date . I am an experienced driver, have lived here and abroad, and done 10 years hospital car driving in a rural area , plus driving the little white bus up swaledale. I particularly try to encourage all women to keep up their driving skills, as it is easy , particulary if partner retires to find themselves hardly driving at all, although in the beginning it sounds very kind " Oh I will drive you to the shop/seaside/concert. " But you can find yourself hardly driving anywhere and becoming a passenger who does not take notice of the changes etc. My advice is always to keep driving at least once a week, but also where possible , if you have had two cars sell them BOTH and buy another one that suits you both better. If you sell one or other car , the remaining car is still seen as his or hers. It probably is not comfortable for the other driver again putting you off driving. Banish any back seat driving or commenting!!! I simply say in a quiet voice " Which bus stop shall I drop you at?" or "Do you fancy a walk home?" which makes the point without getting into an argument. Also on a serious note, so many people told me how their ability to drive meant getting help quickly when their partner fell ill and especially if they were out in the countryside. Yes we may have phones but they do not always work everywhere. That confidence in knowing that you can travel and get yourself home or to somewhere safe is a skill that you dont want to jeopdize. I still love going out particularly in the countryside. and stick to my own rules of 1. checking the car over before going on long journeys 2. Taking food , water and coffee things so that I am free to stop when it suits me and have a choice of getting food out or having my own - always keep plates mugs and cutlery in the boot. 3. Have a good map always with me. Yes I have satnav and a phone and all the rest of it but I dont think you can beat a good map, where if there has been a majior traffic jam or problems on the road I much prefer to pull in a layby , look at the map and see my options and then get a lot of satisfaction in finding a different and sometimes a better way. Well this has rather digressed from your problems with your lack of visitors. Do you have a festival or concert that you could all meet up somewhere in a town convenient to you all? Or perhaps there might be a b and b which you could all go to for a weekend ? That way you do not have to do all the catering etc and you all get to see each other but less stress for everyone? That way you might see how things have changed for each other , as you will be bound to remember them as being able to do lots of things , which they may now avoid where possible. I still think I can go anywhere and can and do , but I forget how much more stressful it is deciding what to take etc especially as I am now on my own, and it tends to make me need to check more than necessary . Ah well I am glad when I get going and intend to keep on as long as possible. Good luck for a future time

I learned to drive in my thirties, then had an accident where a white van man drove into the back of me which dented my confidence. I didn’t drive again until my DH had a stroke, stopping as soon as he was fit to drive again. The next time I drove was when he got cancer and we bought an automatic. I am still nervous 5 years later, but I have just driven from Harrogate to Birmingham and back again for my daughter’s graduation. Avoiding motorways with Google Maps! I still have times when I am really panicking about driving even short distances, but I try.

When DH was ill I was dropped in at the deep end regarding driving. Getting to and from hospital appointments meant that I had to step up to the plate where I had not driven any of our cars for years! (He loved driving and I didn’t; it was never an issue). I had - and still have to some extent - a roundabout phobia. One I had to negotiate had been designated one of the most dangerous in the country, which didn’t help. Even my DD, a seasoned driver, said it made her nervous. I got round it by approaching it from a direction that put several extra miles on my journey, but it worked for me. Now there is only me and if I didn’t drive I would be scuppered. I don’t do huge distances and though I’m okay on dual carriageways, you’ll never see me on a motorway.

I am a lot less keen to drive as I get older, but still I believe quite safe to do so. So I make sure I drive regularly, including longer distances. I know if I do less and less, I will feel less and less like doing it, and limit where I can go, and what is possible in my life. If Mr Apple could not drive for any reason we'd be in trouble if I could not drive much either, which is another reason I make sure to keep driving. And I find that in reality soon after I set off, I am absolutely ok with driving. I hope others will also feel the fear and do it anyway (so long as they are safe drivers)

It's always a bit annoying to have people cancel arrangements when you have prepared for the visit but I understand some people are very nervous about driving.
I dislike driving but make myself do it so that I can visit my ACs who live a good distance away. I don't mind motorway driving. Some of my friends won't drive on them. I am in my late 70s and I no longer drive at night as I find I can't see as well as I used to so it becomes dangerous.

Hi SuperTinny I’m sorry your friends have cancelled on you, especially as you’d taken time off work . I used to be self employed and I’d be livid in your situation.
How old are your friends and are they retired ? . I’m 65 and retired 2 years ago and I’ve noticed some of my friends, also retired and in their 60s are reluctant to drive as they’re not driving as much as they did when working . Some couples have got rid of one of their cars and now if they go out as a couple , the husband drives , and as someone else here has said , use it or lose it. And then problems occur if something happens to the husband .
I’m a confident driver and not fazed by motorways or city driving and I’m often the driver if I’m out with girl friends . Some will admit they’re nervous , others make excuses for not driving . My sister 63 makes excuses for not driving 3 hours to see our mum !!!.
Maybe treat yourself to a mini break or do the things you’d be doing with your friends.

I love driving and used to drive a van in central London for a living.

OH also enjoys driving and usually does so when we are going somewhere together. I find him to be a distracting passenger and he usually tells me that I’m in the wrong lane/gear/shoes/nail polish etc which makes me nervous.

On my own or with anyone else I can drive competently and enjoy doing so, so I have deliberately kept my driving skills up to scratch. I am on the insurance for both children’s cars and enjoy the challenge of different vehicles.

However, I prefer then train for long distance trips, especially if I’m by myself.

SuperTinny I’m sorry you have been let down and hope you can enjoy a relaxing week instead. Perhaps treat it as a bonus mini-break?!

I would never encouraage anyone to drive who was really nervous. My DDiL has passed her test but hasn't driven since and I have never ever pressurised her, but there are times when someone needs to be encouraged to try to keep driving or to drive a little more to build up their confidence.

As I said I found my confidence going after COVID but set out to rebuild the confidence by driving more and it worked and there will be others, not all, who wll benefit by gritting their teeth and driving more.