Slightly awkward conversations.

I think your silence gave them pause. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s still a tender time.

Yes, they were testing you for a reaction. But they have their own lives to be concerned about, not just you. Individually they grieve too, but have a partner.

You will have to figure out how NOT to lose them. Togetherness, holidays, events have to be parsed out - there are other people involved. Trade-offs, taking turns are fair. You may or may not chose to go to another friend’s home (or with your family) if your S or D travel, your choice - to be alone or not.

This is all a shock right now but try not to worry about things you don’t know about yet. You will deal with those circumstances when presented. What you feel today may not be how you feel tomorrow or next week/month. It will all work out.

polomint

I agree with oreo. Sometimes being quiet can be taken the wrong way. Nowadays the babies and toddlers are straight into nurseries. The elderly are sent into homes. I believe in the old fashioned ways of looking after kith and kin.

Agree polomint. This seems to still be the case in many other cultures but sadly not ours.

Interesting that some people have jumped to conclusions as to what my feelings were!
Whilst I said in my OP how much I have appreciated the support of my family, I am not making assumptions about the future. However, it was useful to have a bit of notice about future possibilities, so I can be prepared for how to respond if they do come to pass.

BlueBelle

No you shouldn’t have said anything so you did the right thing and you shouldn’t be openly worried or upset if either of those things happen They may not but if they do although I totally understand you would be disappointed if your daughter and family move away but it’s got to be their life and their decisions and you could have some lovely holidays to look forward to
As for Christmas I personally think there is far to much happiness or sadness hanging on the Christmas hook Make some plans in case you are left on your own and enjoy the peace if your are It’s only a couple of days after all

Great answer, BlueBelle!

There’s a difference spending Christmas at your sons home and expecting to be invited to his in-laws.Its not up to them to invite guests to someone else,s home so maybe you could spend the day with your daughters family.Why not ask her and find out if it’s a possibility.Or offer to pay towards a meal out on the day

I agree with Oreo.

Why on earth in these times are we expected to keep our feelings to ourselves, with family who presumably care about us?! Yes, our children have their own children, but they also have parents. I see nothing wrong with showing you are concerned - it's a massive loss if family move abroad. As for Christmas, it is so often a bugbear. Having said all of this, it is SO important to have lives of our own, so that our days are full of things to do that do not involve our children. We cannot live through them, at any stage in life.

I agree that you did the right thing.

I have a friend whose daughter went to live in Australia. Her mother made such a song and dance about it they are now estranged.

I agree with other posters who can’t understand why you didn’t have a conversation. How could you not even make a passing comment? Unless you actually speak your thoughts aloud, how will your children know what you’re feeling? They are your children. Are you afraid of being honest with them. One of my children has talked about living overseas for a time and my response has been along the lines of, ‘great, I look forward to visiting!’

Only time will tell 😞 sympathy diesn't last long

I live alone and have done for many years, but have only had one Christmas alone. That was during the pandemic as my DD lived in Scotland and DS and family in Germany. My plans to travel to Glasgow were cancelled at the last minute as travel was only allowed for the one day! In the end we ate dinner on zoom, though mine went cold as I struggled with technical issues!

After my divorce, my children always spent Christmas day with me as they still lived at home at the time. My MiL still invited me to go to her with them for boxing day, but a couple of years on my MiL extended the usual invitation but later withdrew it as my ex said his new partner thought it inappropriate - despite the fact she wasn't going to be there but with her own family! I was upset initially but was immediately invited to spend boxing day with a couple of local families from my church when they heard - I had to choose which invitation to accept.

Now my family are spread around geographically with DS and his family 200 miles away and DD living in Dubai. Last year I spent 3 weeks in Dubai, then went to DS and family in January for a slightly later celebration. They had spent Christmas with DiL's family so no-one missed out.

I hope things work out for you and that one way or another you are able to spend time with both your adult children and their families even if it isn't on Christmas day itself. If you have good friends locally talk about your worries. You may get surprise invitations as I did when it happened to me.

Don't worry too much about adult children moving abroad. Both mine have lived abroad at some time and as others have said, there are opportunities for visits which could be really enjoyable. Meanwhile maybe get involvd in some new activities and make some new friends. I know lots of people who live alone too and not all have family locally. Being a good friend to someone else in that position should give you the support you need as you get used to being alone yourself.

I agree with @Oreo about owning your feelings, and being honest about how you feel about Christmas. You’re still very early on in your bereavement, TBH. Have you had any bereavement counselling? This can really clear your mind if you’re struggling with difficult feelings.

I realise it can be be quite hard to get mental health support through the NHS, but there are organisations that support people in bereavement, eg Cruse. It may be that you’re suffering a bit of understandable depression, and this is why you’re finding the thought of Christmas difficult. You could certainly tell your GP (if your surgery is properly back in action) and see if s/he thinks you need any help.

I think you were quite right not to have a difficult conversation when you were feeling upset, but you probably do need to say something when you’re ready.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

I think that my daughter who lives closest to us will probably be on holiday over Christmas this year. We almost always see her and she deserves a break with her children.

My son and DIL often spend the holiday with her mother who lives alone and I wouldn't want to muscle in there. That leaves my other son who is pretty trying and touchy, we don't really much want to spend Christmas walking on egg shells with him. But that is what will happen I expect.

I think you did exactly right Cabbie! You have had prior warning of how things might be so now you can make tentative plans of your own.

I agree with oreo. Sometimes being quiet can be taken the wrong way. Nowadays the babies and toddlers are straight into nurseries. The elderly are sent into homes. I believe in the old fashioned ways of looking after kith and kin.

I’m inclined to agree with you, Oreo. If one person suppresses their feelings to the extent of staying silent when possible life-changes are suggested by family members, there is the potential for misunderstandings, and deep underlying hurt. I think this could lead to health problems. Contact with a loving family is so important to an elderly parent.

A spontaneous response, leading to an honest discussion, seems healthier. They’re all adults.

When did it become the trend to say nothing to your nearest and dearest for fear they won’t like what you say? All this tiptoeing around on eggshells is ridiculous.
You could have said various things OP, including to your DD,
‘Oh I hope it will never come to that ( moving away to another country) things will improve here’ and to your son and DIL ‘If your sister needs you I’ll understand’ and if they look puzzled at that ‘You invited me to spend my first Christmas alone with you’. Why let them off the hook?
There’s too much secrecy and pandering to the needs all the time to AC if you ask me.Families should be open with one another. It doesn’t have to be angry exchanges, just a bit of transparency and honesty.

sodapop

I agree with BlueBelle on all counts. Especially the Christmas issue, far too much pressure all round. Look at alternative ways of spending your time at Christmas Cabbie21 . Wait and see what happens about moving abroad, it may come to nothing. My daughter moved abroad and I saw so many places whilst visiting her that otherwise I would not have travelled to.

I too agree

If either of them bring it up again, just ask them this time if they need anything from you, in a very casual voice.

Good luck

Cabbie21 sorry I hadn't read your reply before I posted my comments, some have duplicated yours.

Thank you.

Obviously your daughter and her husband have to do whatever it takes to keep their business viable, and you will support them in that.
What's the alternative?

Your son's comment sounds like a "warning shot across the bows" to let you know not to expect to be invited to theirs every Christmas.
Message received and understood!

You did the right thing not to pass comment at the time.
These conversations need time for you to mull them over, take onboard the implications and possible outcomes for yourself, and formulate a suitable response.
Talking it through on here is a good way to work out how you feel about it all.
Hearing how other people have dealt with the same situations is certainly useful.

At the end of the day it's out of your hands anyway as they will do what they feel they need to do, whether they do it with your blessing or your disappointment is up to how you decide to respond.

It must be so hard after all those years as a married couple. I really do have every sympathy for you xx

Wise decision Cabbie.

Thank you for all the replies. I think I did the right thing to say nothing. I wasn’t asked a question in either case.
The moving abroad was part of a wider conversation about the state of the economy. My daughter actually said she would not want to move until her children are “ fully fledged”.
My DiL has concerns about her sister’s health, so their Christmas plans are not firmed up yet.
I think they all know I would not stand in their way of any plans, but unless asked directly, I feel it is not my place to comment. At least I am prepared if it comes up again.

I think your grown children are concerned about you, now that you are on your own there is a whole new dynamic and they feel unaccustomed to it, as do you obvs, just reassure them that you are ok with their plans.

Cabbie, put their minds at ease and tell them you re coping, obviously they are worried but it would be nice to take that `burden` from them. I did just that and it is joyous to know that my AC are enjoying quality time with their own families, while they can and without those feelings of guilt, which some parents use to keep their AC tied

Christmas on my own is ok, I get a few nice things in and already have one dvd and I buy myself a special present. I know mine talk amongst themselves, whose turn is it to have mum this christmas? I was happy to reassure them about being content in my own company

Being widowed is a huge life-change and being independent and with hobbies helps a great deal. My ds is at the other end of the uk but there is whatsapp these days, it was far harder for my mum when two of her daughters moved to Australia, before social media

Don`t be silent Cabbie, they are your children and are hoping for re-assurance from you. They will love you all the more