Slightly awkward conversations.

No you shouldn’t have said anything so you did the right thing and you shouldn’t be openly worried or upset if either of those things happen They may not but if they do although I totally understand you would be disappointed if your daughter and family move away but it’s got to be their life and their decisions and you could have some lovely holidays to look forward to
As for Christmas I personally think there is far to much happiness or sadness hanging on the Christmas hook Make some plans in case you are left on your own and enjoy the peace if your are It’s only a couple of days after all

I lived alone for a number of years and never assumed that I would be invited to the AC's for Christmas - they had children of their own and in laws. We were able to get together to exchange gifts but not on Christmas Day. I made a point of either volunteering at a local care/nursing home, out local hospital or the hospice. There was always someone with no visitors or someone to talk to and an extra pair of hands did take the pressure off the staff.

I have had those times too. My son lives quite near to me but last year he said he may have to relocate to London with his job. I felt sad about this but like you said nothing. It hasn't happened so far and I realised I shouldn't rely on my children as their lives change and they have other commitments.
Christmas seems to be a bugbear for those of us on our own. I hope I am invited but I try to prepare for Christmas in my own. Lots of Grans are on their own at that time of year as I've found being on Gransnet.
I wouldn't say anything to your children. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst as the saying goes.
I do understand how upsetting it is when children carry on with their lives and you feel left behind. 💐

Our

No you shouldn't have said anything in either conversation.

In my opinion, wise parents express no opinions when the topic(s) is/are really none of their business. Well done you!

First paragraph - I assume they know what needs you have? They are aware?

2nd paragraph - no, I wouldnt have said anything.
If it is raised again by them, I would just say something like, you enjoyed last Christmas with them.

One of the best Christmases I ever spent was when I went away alone and stayed in a hotel. I met some interesting people, ate lots of good food and I didn't have to help with the washing up.

Just saying, in case it comes to it.

If I had made those announcements and nothing was said I would assume the listener was not interested or had no thoughts either way.

I would think they wanted to see your reaction as there seems no other reason to mention those events at this time.

I am sure those conversations were not easy on either end

You did well, no need to comment on those statements

Your AC were kind on keeping you in the loop so you can make plans for the future

I agree with BlueBelle on all counts. Especially the Christmas issue, far too much pressure all round. Look at alternative ways of spending your time at Christmas Cabbie21 . Wait and see what happens about moving abroad, it may come to nothing. My daughter moved abroad and I saw so many places whilst visiting her that otherwise I would not have travelled to.

It might be a good time to consider your possible options and think what you would enjoy, ignoring any expectations about the date. So you might end up with a couple of possibilities such as going somewhere where you could try out something you have thought about but not done. Alternatively , you could think about having a "normal" day at christmas and not expect anything special on that day, perhaps save some good tv programmes you might enjoy watching. Then when the holiday is over you could choose another day to meet up with the family.

So what should she have said theexwife should she have said ‘oh that ll be wonderful if you move away and make a new life a long way away’ or should she have said ‘ oh dear I don’t want you to go away from here can’t you stay please ?????’
The first is not what she wants at all so a lie the second would put untold pressure on the daughter !!!!
Likewise secondly if she said to the son that ll be lovely for you to go away at Christmas and leave me all alone lie lie or ‘Can I come with you I don’t want to be alone at Christmas’ ? Pressure

I think her silence probably did more than words, they can read the silence to mean ‘mums not over happy with this what shall we do’ and that’s what it should be their decision without anyone’s verbal pressure

Cabbie, put their minds at ease and tell them you re coping, obviously they are worried but it would be nice to take that `burden` from them. I did just that and it is joyous to know that my AC are enjoying quality time with their own families, while they can and without those feelings of guilt, which some parents use to keep their AC tied

Christmas on my own is ok, I get a few nice things in and already have one dvd and I buy myself a special present. I know mine talk amongst themselves, whose turn is it to have mum this christmas? I was happy to reassure them about being content in my own company

Being widowed is a huge life-change and being independent and with hobbies helps a great deal. My ds is at the other end of the uk but there is whatsapp these days, it was far harder for my mum when two of her daughters moved to Australia, before social media

Don`t be silent Cabbie, they are your children and are hoping for re-assurance from you. They will love you all the more

I think your grown children are concerned about you, now that you are on your own there is a whole new dynamic and they feel unaccustomed to it, as do you obvs, just reassure them that you are ok with their plans.

Thank you for all the replies. I think I did the right thing to say nothing. I wasn’t asked a question in either case.
The moving abroad was part of a wider conversation about the state of the economy. My daughter actually said she would not want to move until her children are “ fully fledged”.
My DiL has concerns about her sister’s health, so their Christmas plans are not firmed up yet.
I think they all know I would not stand in their way of any plans, but unless asked directly, I feel it is not my place to comment. At least I am prepared if it comes up again.

Wise decision Cabbie.

Obviously your daughter and her husband have to do whatever it takes to keep their business viable, and you will support them in that.
What's the alternative?

Your son's comment sounds like a "warning shot across the bows" to let you know not to expect to be invited to theirs every Christmas.
Message received and understood!

You did the right thing not to pass comment at the time.
These conversations need time for you to mull them over, take onboard the implications and possible outcomes for yourself, and formulate a suitable response.
Talking it through on here is a good way to work out how you feel about it all.
Hearing how other people have dealt with the same situations is certainly useful.

At the end of the day it's out of your hands anyway as they will do what they feel they need to do, whether they do it with your blessing or your disappointment is up to how you decide to respond.

It must be so hard after all those years as a married couple. I really do have every sympathy for you xx

Thank you.

Cabbie21 sorry I hadn't read your reply before I posted my comments, some have duplicated yours.

sodapop

I agree with BlueBelle on all counts. Especially the Christmas issue, far too much pressure all round. Look at alternative ways of spending your time at Christmas Cabbie21 . Wait and see what happens about moving abroad, it may come to nothing. My daughter moved abroad and I saw so many places whilst visiting her that otherwise I would not have travelled to.

I too agree

If either of them bring it up again, just ask them this time if they need anything from you, in a very casual voice.

Good luck

When did it become the trend to say nothing to your nearest and dearest for fear they won’t like what you say? All this tiptoeing around on eggshells is ridiculous.
You could have said various things OP, including to your DD,
‘Oh I hope it will never come to that ( moving away to another country) things will improve here’ and to your son and DIL ‘If your sister needs you I’ll understand’ and if they look puzzled at that ‘You invited me to spend my first Christmas alone with you’. Why let them off the hook?
There’s too much secrecy and pandering to the needs all the time to AC if you ask me.Families should be open with one another. It doesn’t have to be angry exchanges, just a bit of transparency and honesty.

I’m inclined to agree with you, Oreo. If one person suppresses their feelings to the extent of staying silent when possible life-changes are suggested by family members, there is the potential for misunderstandings, and deep underlying hurt. I think this could lead to health problems. Contact with a loving family is so important to an elderly parent.

A spontaneous response, leading to an honest discussion, seems healthier. They’re all adults.

I agree with oreo. Sometimes being quiet can be taken the wrong way. Nowadays the babies and toddlers are straight into nurseries. The elderly are sent into homes. I believe in the old fashioned ways of looking after kith and kin.

I think you did exactly right Cabbie! You have had prior warning of how things might be so now you can make tentative plans of your own.