Advice on getting on with my life

Sorry, won't let me edit. I suppose what I am trying to say is that we do have a role in our children's lives, but of necessity they are now independent and young families are busy. You have done a great job and now is the time for you to be who you want to be. Your role is to help out, to be a listening ear, maybe to provide a roast dinner or a party, go on holidays with them, take them for interesting days out or the theatre - whatever a grandma does in your family. But you are also your own person with hopefully years left to also fill your life with the the things you love to do. And that example is good for your children and grandchildren too.

I retired from a busy 40 year career, having brought up 3 children as well. Like you I have grandchildren, whom I see fairly regularly and help with school runs etc. But I knew from before retirement that there were lots of things I wanted to do and do not feel in the slightest bit guilty.
I have volunteered, joined our local retirement centre for great courses, go to WI (on the committee), had great holidays with DH, keep fit and written a novel. Also I am learning to play the piano. I love my life now, and my husband encourages me to do everything, even putting up with hours of practice. I think the children are quite proud of their mum, particularly because I am not needy for their time either.
Volunteering for committees is a great way to make friends too.
We only have one life, make the absolute most of it!

I still struggle with the empty nest syndrome. To be honest I would like to see my AC every day and to have my grandson young again when I looked after him. I know we are no longer involved in our children’s lives as we once were but for me it has left an emptiness that nothing can fill. Sorry if people think I’m pathetic but it’s how it is and being busy helps but doesn’t change the feelings.

hi

i would say some folk get on with their lives doing new things, others myself included struggle with the empty nest thing, i feel the reasons can be many ,maybe there isn't and end to the feeling, i wish i had a concrete answer

Yes you did your bit for everyone else, this is your time!

Mollyb

Join U3A
Volunteer at a foodbank
Volunteer in a charity shop
Volunteer in a primary school and help with reading
Join a book club
Join a walking group

Lippyqueen has already said she does most of these things!! How can you respond to a post you clearly haven’t read?

Prescott is replying to HS62 who posted on this thread at 11:38 this morning Georgesgran

HS62 sympathies and best wishes from me too for the situation you and your son are in xx

Have you posted on the wrong thread Prescott?

HS62
I don’t have anything valuable to say but I wanted to acknowledge your post. I can’t imagine how you must feel trying your best but with nothing to give you a break.
I hope that the future will bring you a peace
as you tend to your son.

Anyone who wants to volunteer to help children with reading could consider Coram Beanstalk. They are a charity who put volunteers into school all over the country. No previous experience is necessary, there is good training and support provided as well as a box of books. I really enjoyed doing it for two years and the children not only had fun but made real progress in reading. So many children nowadays do not get the experience of being with an adult and sharing a book.

This is your time now, you can plan great things with your lovely husband.
There's a whole world to enjoy. If you want to feel needed then volunteering is good for that.
It's not uncommon to feel useless at times. I certainly do, but then remind myself that life is short and I don't want to waste another minute.
Best wishes to you.

Hello Lippyqueen AGAA4 sums it up well.
You deserve to feel ‘you’ve done a good job’ raising your children to be independent, etc.
Maybe you haven’t accepted that on the days when you don’t have a full schedule of errands or jobs to do you start to feel ‘a bit lost’? Don’t ever feel ‘guilty’ if you have some spare time in the day - tell yourself it is a blessing and it would be a shame not to enjoy it (start by making a cup of tea sit in your favourite chair and enjoy the moment )☺️

Some of the comments on here are unnecessarily harsh, in my opinion, eg talking about the OP feeling sorry for herself. She is allowed to feel what she feels and it appears that she does her very best to keep herself occupied. But surely everybody feels a bit sorry for themselves sometimes?

I mist be a terrible mother. Loved it when mine went off into the world. After a few years I realised I was wasting my time with my, now ex,.husband and started divorce proceedings. 7 years on I'm retired, travelling as and when with a new man in my life. We go to concerts, theatre, holiday as often as possible and living life while we can. As for my children one sort if stays in touch thd other has chosen no to. Their choice and no longer my problem. Life is too short and I'm making sure I'm doing what I want whole I still can.

I would give anything to have my husband here with me. My children and grandchildren grown and flown as they should have, but I do miss company and get out somewhere every day which I know I'm lucky to do as many my age are quite housebound.

Hi lippyqueen - mmm not sure some of the comments are too helpful / telling you how wonderful their lives are etc. I’m in a similar position with both my children living abroad / 4 Grandchildren. I think some of us go through a period of ‘loss ‘ when our children move on. You sound busy & fulfilled even so. Some of my friends are in similar positions , they know how it feels. I’m older than you and I do worry what will happen if I’m ill / need care etc . One day at a time - know the power of now. Best wishes

I know how you feel - one of my sons is off baxk to Australia again for a year soon and I’m very sad about it and anxious about it - probably until
He has gone - which I know myself is a total
Waste of the time I have with him now - today - in the present - as we know it is a gift and I will also go out and visit him. I too need that permission - perhaps we should give it to ourselves - I am sure my sons would give it to me if I asked - loosing our purpose is hard - be kind to yourself - read books by Kristen Neff on self compassion - find YOUR joy and get the balance right for you - good luck and go have some
Fun

Thank you all for your replies. A lot are very helpful. I definitely don’t feel sorry for myself. I realise I am very lucky. It is a feeling of emptiness which comes and goes. Most of the time I keep pretty busy doing the things that have been suggested.

I know just how you feel as I am trying to fill huge gaps in my family and currently lack the courage to go out and meet people. Friends dropped off when husband had demtia and others moved away and half my family have emigrated.
Will be trying to take upU3A again and help at school butweekenss and evenings are very long. I do feel for you.

Good onya from 🇦🇺🙏🏻 and for visiting in our very hot January!
I m 81 and feel how you feel sometimes, too.. family and grandies scattered here and there..
But I think we will both be fine….i am learning to control the things I can and let the rest go.
it’s taken a while 😊
Isn’t this a lovely place to come to get good helpful answers from other grans .. we are less alone.🙏🏻😊

LaCrepescule

The power to do something about this lies solely with you, not your family. Do you need to be needed? That is co-dependency and if you recognise this in yourself you can take steps to address it.
As you seem to have plenty of other things in your life, as well as a family who appear to value you and are available to you, try to stop feeling sorry for yourself and be grateful for what you have.
I have no partner and one daughter (no grandchildren, yet…) but am totally fulfilled with friends, interests and my dog.

She’s not feeling sorry for herself .that’s not helpful to say that . I think she’s just a bit lost . I totally empathise with that . Moving forward and finding where to fit in as we age needs strong mental health and it’s not just a box ticking exercise .

After our sons left home to start their new lives I was shell shocked to be honest, but I soon got into the swing of things because my husband and I could do what we wanted when we wanted. We had done our best for our sons and prepared them for the lives they would eventually lead and now I am so proud of them. They have never been out of a job, have worked themselves to the top of the ladder at their companies and I know their dad (who died a few years ago) was so proud of them too.

I don't see them on a regular basis but they text me and phone me and take me out and about every so often but the main thing is that I know if I ever needed them they would be here for me. One son and his wife have told me that when he retires in a few short years time that they are thinking of retiring abroad. I will of course miss them (that is if I am still alive and kicking, I am 81) but life is too short not to fulfil your dreams and I want the very best for them. My husband and I had a wonderful life together and I want that for our sons too.

When I first started reading, I thought maybe you needed something to keep you busy. I see you are quite busy.
So then I thought maybe you are like me (I'm 65) and miss children. If that's the case then maybe you could volunteer where there are children. We have a program here where you can volunteer to go into school and read to primary children and also help them with their reading. Or help out with the breakfast program.
I am a very child centred person and love to have them around me. Currently I look after my youngest granddaughter (2) while my daughter works.
Also you can give yourself permission to get on with your life.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself many of us are not as fortunate as you to still have a husband. There are many lonely people out there our children have busy lives trying to just keep afloat with the cost of living.

You should have a celebration with your husband as a marker that it is now 'your' time. You've successfully raised a happy family. You and your DH should look on the future as your own. Plan some things for the future with DH, and just for you, and let the family slot in where they wish to rather than the other way around.

Your family will be apart of your life, in and out, but the constants are you and DH. Nothing is going to jump out at you to fill the void so you have to make the effort to do that yourself.