Lonely

kittylester

I did read the op.

Volunteering isn't just for the retired.

My volunteering is about me helping and meeting members of our community and getting to meet and interact with other volunteers.

Sorry, didn’t mean to sound rude to you - I simply meant that its less easy to find the time to volunteer if you’re working, even if only part-time. When I was working (full time), I used to help out quite a bit at local events in our community, but it was hard work, fitting it all in, with family too.

How old is your GS, Tgran? Does he go to a playgroup, pre school? Although I guess the people you’d meet there would be young mums?

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time.

I think being in a 'bad' relationship which is not addressing your basic need to feel connected and cared about is actually worse than being alone. It's a constant reminder that you're not getting what you need but are tied up and not able to seek elsewhere. Over time that could lead to feeling lonely or depressed.

There is also something about seeing the good side of things. I find that helpful. I had to learn to do it. I'm not suggesting you aren't doing that but it's worth mentioning.

Loneliness can not always be sorted 'out there' but starting to do kind and caring things for oneself, noticing any negative self speak can really help.

Thank you for all your kind and thoughtful messages. They are truly appreciated and have made me feel so much better.

I have taken on board the suggestion of activities rather than social groups, I agree a shared activity can be a bonding experience., and certainly a topic of conversation, small talk takes up so much energy these days.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me, it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone with my feelings.

I shall look at this thread again over the next few days as it has given me so much comfort with the responses.

Thank you all so very much for your precious time. I really needed this😊

Tgran - wouldn't it be good if you could strike up conversations and share experiences with random people in "real life" in the same way we seem able to do online!

I have experienced being very lonely twice, the first when I was young and divorced. I was seen as a threat even by my friends although I was not remotely interested in their husbands. I worked full time so my days were full and I kept busy but no one really yo open up with. I met my second husband through an old friend. Now on my own again for twenty years there's the internet, no full time job it takes all my time managing here and don't want another partner but couples don't want a single about. Do activities that you enjoy, keep busy but learn to be comfortable with yourself. I am going away on my own, it could be a case of feeling the odd one out as maybe the only single because even two women holidaying together don't welcome a third. But I've something planned for each day and taking a couple of books and my watercolours and will enjoy the new area and experiences. It would be easy to just sit at home doing same old thing but I haven't given up yet. My friends now are quite happy with going away with family and busy with them. A couple of good friends sadly died, so I'm being proactive and still trying new things.

To those pointing out that the poster works, I understand but I have always volunteered even when I was in full time work obviously not the same amount, and a different area of volunteering, but I have two friends of 40 years that I made when volunteering at a rape centre I used to go one or two evenings a week, you can do as much or as little as you want

Being an only child of an only child I ve always had to fight loneliness I remember very clearly when I was living overseas as a young person with an inattentive husband ( say no more) I was so lonely I used to look forward to the tradesmen or deliverymen calling just for some one to speak to So I ve fought it all my life but I found some confidence and as I m naturally chatty I talk to anyone and everyone, in bus queues, in shops, on trains and it works it really does I ve made lifelong friends just from chatting to a stranger I feel very blessed

Well done for saying it.

I do find people around here are saying it more than you would normally here.
Or perhaps the more some say it, the more others feel more able to do so too.

I hope you find the comments on here helpful.
The last paragraph from BlueBelle would be the way I would try, personally I think, if it happens to me.

It's not as easy as 'just join some clubs' though, is it? I live on the outskirts of a small city where very little happens and there are no buses after 6.45pm. The few things that are on are mostly in the evenings and as I do not drive, I just cannot get there. When I asked, when trying to join a Parkinson's support group (my husband has Parkinson's) if there were any attendees who lived in my direction and I could pay petrol money, I was told to get a taxi - have you seen the cost of taxis these days??? A one-off is bad enough, but to do it regularly .....! And then when you do find something, it is often cliquey! I joined U3A and attend the only groups that are in the day and only one bus journey away, just 3 from a not very long list of groups in the first place, but once the talk is finished, everyone leaves and there's very little socialising. So despite trying, I am still lonely and living with a husband who no longer converses. And being an introvert with mental health issues (though I'm not shy and will happily talk to anyone), it is hard for me to try these new things, then find it is cliquey or something. And I'm not the only one in this situation, there are a lot of us lonely people out there. I've even been offered medical appointments, like stress workshops and acupuncture for sleep difficulties, but only in the evenings as they don't do daytime courses .... but I can't get there. I find it so frustrating that it's just assumed that everyone drives or can afford constant taxis.

Ferry23 is correct about society being geared to activities in pairs. Once widowed, the ambience changes when eg walking into a room full of tables for harvest supper and so on, even if popular and with interesting conversation, there is not quite the open welcome there used to be as a couple

I tried going out for lunch on my own, went on the bus often etc. Talked to people at bus stops etc and that was always nice but is so transient. I moved house myself and that kept me busy for three years, all those jobs, thankfully I am capable.

Joining u3a was not for me, it still felt cliquey. I now attend a crafting group, which is still transient with lovely people. I have an acceptance within me now, I have lovely hobbies and could join eg a spinning group a car ride away. However I am on an allotment list and that is where I will, once again, find my peace and contentment. I might have to wait a bit longer but I will get a place, eventually

In the meantime, I stopped looking for people to assuage loneliness, I accept that I am a widow and that life has changed. I accept the new pace and the natural progression and am grateful that I am not of the mindset to need someone to fill my days. It is all within myself

Wise words karmalady.

People on their own, as they get older, do have to accept that there will be times of loneliness for whatever reason.

During lockdown, the only person I actually saw or spoke to face to face for 6 whole weeks was the Sainsbury's delivery man. I know it would have been the same for thousands of people on their own but people just don't "get" what being a solo person is like until they actually experience it.

Unfortunately Covid impacted us all in some way and I kind of got used to not going out and sometimes I really have to force myself to get out of the house.

I am surprisedd by all this belief that it is easier to socialise if you are married and couple and single women are seen as a threat

I am married, but most of my friends arise from pursuing interests I have always done on my own, I am off to a lunch meeting next week, on my own. There will be quite a number of people there without their spouses. We share a common interest and I have been a member for many decades.

I have made local friends through GN and while these friends have met and know my DH, we socialise woman to woman.

I understand the problems when people lack transport, we are actually selling our house to move to town with lots happenng in and around the town centre, so that if we reach the stage where we can't drive, we will still be able to get out and about.

Monica, you are still we. I am glad you have got friends but being widowed or single is completely different. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It is understandable that you don`t get it but please try not to sound so very smug

The op is lonely within her relationship and is trying to adapt to that awful feeling. We are trying to help her

It's not a "belief" M0nica, it's a fact.

As I said upthread, if you haven't experienced it, then you won't understand it.

I've been married, I know what it's like to be one of a couple. I'm now alone and the way society views single people, the attitude it extends and the obstacles (that probably only singles understand) facing them are challenging on a daily basis.

As far as friends go, I think you have to "click" with someone.

You can put yourself out there 24/7, join everything going, but unless there is some sort of connection, it ain't gonna happen.

I would go to Church where you will be welcomed and accepted. There are lots of activities you can get involved with or not and you will meet lovely people who want to help you and you can help them too

It's one thing going out socialising on your own when there's someone to come home to, quite another if you come home to an empty house.
When my daughter's marriage broke down and she lived on her own at 30, for the first time in her life, she found it hard.
Her rented house had a no pets policy but she asked her landlord if she could keep some birds, which he agreed to. As she said it's just something to say "hello" to when she got home from work.

For me, having a friend is more about staying in together than going out and about - or at least a mixture of both.
It's a meeting of minds.

omega1

I would go to Church where you will be welcomed and accepted. There are lots of activities you can get involved with or not and you will meet lovely people who want to help you and you can help them too

Not everyone is of the religion to go to church omegal

MissAdventure is right about the importance of meeting of minds. Apart from DH, whose loss is unassuagable, I miss the friend I met at the baby clinic 59 years ago, with whom I bonded instantly and with whom we had many holidays with an assortment of children, over many years. Someone you don’t have to explain yourself to is indeed a treasure.

Yes, I went to find the washing lines when I moved into my first flat.
Met a young woman who was hanging out her stuff, and we instantly became friends.

It sounds as if your “partner” is also dragging you down. If someone does not enhance your life, let them go otherwise it’s pointless ….. your life is a garden, start weeding ! 🌺🌸🌼🪻

I am so sorry to hear how sad and lonely you are feeling and hope that this thread has been some help to you. I had a time in my life when I felt something which I could have described in the words you have used. I eventually realised I was depressed - took a while to see this, but that realisation was the beginning of getting out of it to a happier place. I changed my behaviour (I had been crying quite a lot) and paid attention to my sad 'self talk' and consciously began to replace the sad thoughts with positive and believable ones - changing self talk AND starting to connect more with other people in positive ways, and persisting, in the end got me out of it. I also went out more into nature and walked - this really can help and a walking group might be a good opportunity to meet others and walk and talk. This can feel quite 'safe' as you both look at your surroundings but speak and listen. I would have been happier much more quickly if I had gone to a therapist or a counsellor. I do wish you well and hope you find a happier way forward.

I was widowed 5 years ago but fortunate that I have a large friends network.
I know some people don’t find it easy but there are times you have to bite the bullet and make the effort to join things. For me, joining Rock Choir was a great thing to do. I’ve made new friends and enjoyed some great experiences through the choir. Find some things that interest you and put yourself out there. If you’re with people who share your interests makes it easier to connect.

When my husband left me completely unexpectedly some 20 years ago, I was devastated. Immediately I was excluded from some friendship groups, as I think 🤔 other people found me a real 'downer', thought I'd pinch their husbands (wouldn't have touched them with a barge pole) or thought it might be catching! I was SO lonely and heartbroken. Then a colleague was diagnosed with MND. I started helping them and was able to forget my own troubles. I'd cook and clean for them, my daughter would shop for them and we'd all go out together. It was a lifesaver. Not exactly volunteering but it did the same thing for me, got me out and helped me meet new people and make different friends.