Lonely

Sorry to hear that, Tgran. It sounds to me as if you are feeling depressed as well as lonely. Have you spoken about how you feel to your family or your good friends? That might be a start.

I can fully understand where you are coming from. I once read that our needs are like buckets that need filling from time to time. I look at my social 'bucket' and often find it very lacking. So many people I meet are cliquey, or have conversation that I find quite frankly depressing - mostly about what they own, cruises, lunches at swanky hotels, and a totally false front. I went to a church group and they were all so good that you did not dare breath for fear of saying the wrong thing, Do you have a local WI group? Or U3A? where you could meet people over shared activities? For me, it seems to work better filling my social bucket if I am doing an activity. Often, people will tolerate less that 'their own kind of people', snarky comments, just to be sociable. Being an introvert, I like to feel fulfilled if I am going to meet up with people and just have a good old chat and laugh. If that is not around I focus on doing a beloved hobby. I reckon it takes about a year of just turning up to get to know people well but once you have done that, you become part of the group if it is your kind of group. Good luck and hope you find your 'tribe' very soon.

I reckon it takes about a year of just turning up to get to know people well but once you have done that, you become part of the group if it is your kind of group.

I don't think it takes a whole year but it foes take longer than people think.

I'd definitely consider an activity you enjoy and then persist with it.
Even things you don't entirely enjoy can lead to making friends. I joined a local hotel gym with a pool. It's not because I really enjoy it but because I'm so unfit and feel some exercise is better than none. I make myself go swimming about three times a week. I've met so many people there that I'm comfortable with now. One I consider a friend and have met up with for coffee etc and many more I've stayed after swimming to chat over a drink.

The aqua aerobics group go out for a meal together regularly and have asked me to join them.

You have to find something to commit to for yourself.
The advantage of this hotel gym is it is small and regularly used by the same members. It won't suit the super-gym types as it has less equipment and not many classes. I thought they were cliquey initially but no, mainly they have just been members for ages!

I m sorry if I repeat myself but volunteering probably saved my life, (not literally, I d never harm myself for my families sake) but I was very low after my parents both died within 6 months of each other, I saw no real future, children grown and flown, retired against my wishes, living alone ….it took me a year to listen to my daughter and try voluntary work but I did and I ve never ever looked back I get so much out of it (and give a lot back) I ve made acquaintances, a couple of good friends, I chat to all sorts of people I ve been out to meals with them feel helpful I feel needed ( I know I am) and it’s been a total life saver and opened up my old age

There are loads of different organisations looking for help there’s something to suit everyone and I can’t believe there isn’t something for you

BlueBelle has said just what I wanted to say.

My mum used to say that people need something to hang their week
on.

Tgran says she works and has a regular child care commitment, so perhaps not a lot of time to volunteer.
It’s an odd question, but are you truly lonely, or do you feel alone? Have you felt this way for a while and do you feel low enough to speak to your GP or call the Samaritans?
I’m sure if you read some of the threads here you’ll see that many live alone, some refer to loneliness, others don’t.
Perhaps your less than ideal partnership has a lot to answer for - time to move on?

Please don’t think I’m unsympathetic, because I’m not, but life is what you make it. X

I have never really experienced this freewheeling being part of a group who are just a social group meeting for coffee mornings etc. Almost every friend I have, and have had, beyond childhood has been made through activities I have joined, whether that was voluntary work, special interests, classes or whatever.

The other thing I do with groups I join, is offer help when needed, whether washing the coffee mugs or going on the committee.

So glad you came on here to say this, am sure there are many people suffering loneliness in silence but it is I believe a national crisis affecting all age groups.
I also suffered terribly from loneliness despite, being an introvert, a good few years ago.now. I have an OH and had a couple of friends who were not close, but my OH was working as a teacher back then and spent most of his free time catching up with paperwork. I had worked too until I suffered a breakdown.
At my lowest ebb my OH suggested voluntary work. I went along to a local project helping the homeless. At first I felt a bit awkward, but because I was working I just threw myself into that and in time other volunteers would chat with me, and a bit further along the line I made some lovely friends whom I am still in contact with. I then went on to work as a volunteer with asylum seekers. The fact that you are working together with a shared purpose makes you feel better about yourself even before you make friends.
It certainly helped me.
All the best x

I went through a similar phase- well done for reaching out. I was going to set up a group of my own and then a few people got back in contact with me and I have regular meet ups with old friends instead.

Why not look some of them up and give them a ring? You may be surprised at the response- I hope so.

kittylester

BlueBelle has said just what I wanted to say.

My mum used to say that people need something to hang their week
on.

I think you’re right, kittylester, and BlueBelle, but Tgran does say she works. I agree though about having “something to hang your week on”. Since I retired, I do certain things on different days of the week - some at home, some going to places.
Although you say the relationship with your partner is not great, Tgran, do you do things together? Could you joking something together? Do you like films, meals out, walking? Do you have a pet? Dog walkers seem to meet a lot of people to chat to!
Do you have family nearby?
Hope things get better for you soon. I think many of us have experienced what you’re feeling at times. Look after yourself.

joking? do

You can be surrounded by people occupied by work or other commitments and still be very lonely. If you don’t talk about how you feel and seek advice no body in your life will know the starting point is to talk.
Your partner your DS or DD your few friends you might not want to open up and burden them. I think being completely honest is best I know from experience in my own life keeping it to yourself is unhealthy.
There are some good suggestions already here to give you ideas how to help you. I hope you do reach out to those close to you as you have reached out to us here. You might be surprised at the amount of support you get that in itself will hopefully lift your spirits.

People on here have meet ups, Tgran.
Perhaps come on here and have the odd chat, anyway (and there are some odd ones!)

Life can be very lonely without conversation, I know.

MissAdventure

People on here have meet ups, Tgran.
Perhaps come on here and have the odd chat, anyway (and there are some odd ones!)

Life can be very lonely without conversation, I know.

That’s why pets are useful, MissA. “Shall I have salad for lunch, or soup, Fido?”. “Woof, woof”. “Soup? Ok”

Good old Fido, indeed.

I have noticed that dog walkers seem to be an affable lots, though.

All smiles and "good mornings"

I have recently moved to another area where I have some family members so I fortunately do see them more often now which has probably saved me from becoming quite depressed.

I live alone and my children are not close by. It's quite daunting to constantly be walking into new situations and environments where you know nobody, but I suppose you just have to keep at it.

I've so far attempted to join a book club which all looked good until they changed the time from mornings to evenings which is no good for me. My night vision is not the best for driving and this is quite a few miles away with a lot of driving through unlit country lanes.

I diarised an local Arts Society lecture for next week which has now been cancelled. I wanted to join a Creative Writing group but it is full with a long waiting list.

I tried to attend an open air concert a couple of weeks ago but despite arriving almost 2 hours before the start time, the nearest available parking was at least half a mile away and I have limited mobility.

So it's not really just as simple as finding things to get involved in - or maybe I've just been a bit unlucky.

I hope something "clicks" for you, ferry.
It's a bit disheartening, specially at this time of year when it's drab.

Keep at it, though

ferry23 I think you have been quite unlucky. Are there any other book groups nearby?

Re events - if you have limited mobility and contact the organisers ahead of time to say so I hope you'd find them helpful. I know one village organiser was very helpful this summer during a busy "open gardens" event.

I think it must feel to be quite a struggle but I think friendships do take time.

I did read the op.

Volunteering isn't just for the retired.

My volunteering is about me helping and meeting members of our community and getting to meet and interact with other volunteers.

I never found time to volunteer when I worked full time.

I understand completely! I am widowed, no children and therefore no grandchildren. I go out frequently and meet up with people but when I get home I close the door and the loneliness hits

I am, perhaps, a little too independent and therefore don't tell people that I feel lonely. It is easy to say join clubs, volunteer etc. but I have found most conversations revolve around children and grandchildren so I can't join in, yes I take an interest in other peoples pride in their children and grandchildren but usually end up sitting on the fringe alone and unnoticed.

I was in an unhappy marriage for many years and only after it ended did I understand that you can be just as lonely surrounded by people as actually being on your own. Sometimes even more so if, like me, you don’t really want to talk to people about it. So the OP has taken the first step by acknowledging it and reaching out to people. When all of my family left home I started smoking because cigarettes became my friend ( thankfully I was able to give up after a while). An empty house is incredibly lonely and empty; I didn’t see or speak to anyone from when I left work on Friday to Monday morning. But I digress. I’ve found that some of the friendships I value the most these days are internet friendships and wish I’d had the internet when my marriage was struggling. Re reading the OP’s post I see she does not live with her partner and says it isn’t a particularly fulfilling relationship and I’m wondering if that is what’s holding her back from making friendships, although I understand how difficult it might be to walk away from that relationship and start again?

MayBe70 - you make a very good point.

I probably wasn't quite as lonely when I was married (unhappily) mainly because we did keep up some sort of pretence and it's always easier socially for a couple than for a single person.

But you can certainly be very lonely even when you have a partner.

The problem with being a single person is that society always seems to think "in pairs".

Meal deals for 2.

Holiday - single supplement

Quiz Night - always tables for an even numbered of people

I could go on.

After my marriage ended I was in a relationship with someone else for a while. We went to Cornwall and one day we got split up. As I wandered round I felt so aware that I was alone and everyone else was with friends or family.Even though it was over 25 years ago I still remember that day. I went to a Christmas meal with a friend who was also recently divorced and said to her afterwards, am I imagining it but do all the married women look at my with suspicion if I speak to their husbands and she said no, you’re not imagining it. It was quite a learning curve.