Lonely

I have experienced being very lonely twice, the first when I was young and divorced. I was seen as a threat even by my friends although I was not remotely interested in their husbands. I worked full time so my days were full and I kept busy but no one really yo open up with. I met my second husband through an old friend. Now on my own again for twenty years there's the internet, no full time job it takes all my time managing here and don't want another partner but couples don't want a single about. Do activities that you enjoy, keep busy but learn to be comfortable with yourself. I am going away on my own, it could be a case of feeling the odd one out as maybe the only single because even two women holidaying together don't welcome a third. But I've something planned for each day and taking a couple of books and my watercolours and will enjoy the new area and experiences. It would be easy to just sit at home doing same old thing but I haven't given up yet. My friends now are quite happy with going away with family and busy with them. A couple of good friends sadly died, so I'm being proactive and still trying new things.

Tgran - wouldn't it be good if you could strike up conversations and share experiences with random people in "real life" in the same way we seem able to do online!

Thank you for all your kind and thoughtful messages. They are truly appreciated and have made me feel so much better.

I have taken on board the suggestion of activities rather than social groups, I agree a shared activity can be a bonding experience., and certainly a topic of conversation, small talk takes up so much energy these days.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me, it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone with my feelings.

I shall look at this thread again over the next few days as it has given me so much comfort with the responses.

Thank you all so very much for your precious time. I really needed this😊

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time.

I think being in a 'bad' relationship which is not addressing your basic need to feel connected and cared about is actually worse than being alone. It's a constant reminder that you're not getting what you need but are tied up and not able to seek elsewhere. Over time that could lead to feeling lonely or depressed.

There is also something about seeing the good side of things. I find that helpful. I had to learn to do it. I'm not suggesting you aren't doing that but it's worth mentioning.

Loneliness can not always be sorted 'out there' but starting to do kind and caring things for oneself, noticing any negative self speak can really help.

How old is your GS, Tgran? Does he go to a playgroup, pre school? Although I guess the people you’d meet there would be young mums?

kittylester

I did read the op.

Volunteering isn't just for the retired.

My volunteering is about me helping and meeting members of our community and getting to meet and interact with other volunteers.

Sorry, didn’t mean to sound rude to you - I simply meant that its less easy to find the time to volunteer if you’re working, even if only part-time. When I was working (full time), I used to help out quite a bit at local events in our community, but it was hard work, fitting it all in, with family too.

After my marriage ended I was in a relationship with someone else for a while. We went to Cornwall and one day we got split up. As I wandered round I felt so aware that I was alone and everyone else was with friends or family.Even though it was over 25 years ago I still remember that day. I went to a Christmas meal with a friend who was also recently divorced and said to her afterwards, am I imagining it but do all the married women look at my with suspicion if I speak to their husbands and she said no, you’re not imagining it. It was quite a learning curve.

MayBe70 - you make a very good point.

I probably wasn't quite as lonely when I was married (unhappily) mainly because we did keep up some sort of pretence and it's always easier socially for a couple than for a single person.

But you can certainly be very lonely even when you have a partner.

The problem with being a single person is that society always seems to think "in pairs".

Meal deals for 2.

Holiday - single supplement

Quiz Night - always tables for an even numbered of people

I could go on.

I was in an unhappy marriage for many years and only after it ended did I understand that you can be just as lonely surrounded by people as actually being on your own. Sometimes even more so if, like me, you don’t really want to talk to people about it. So the OP has taken the first step by acknowledging it and reaching out to people. When all of my family left home I started smoking because cigarettes became my friend ( thankfully I was able to give up after a while). An empty house is incredibly lonely and empty; I didn’t see or speak to anyone from when I left work on Friday to Monday morning. But I digress. I’ve found that some of the friendships I value the most these days are internet friendships and wish I’d had the internet when my marriage was struggling. Re reading the OP’s post I see she does not live with her partner and says it isn’t a particularly fulfilling relationship and I’m wondering if that is what’s holding her back from making friendships, although I understand how difficult it might be to walk away from that relationship and start again?

I understand completely! I am widowed, no children and therefore no grandchildren. I go out frequently and meet up with people but when I get home I close the door and the loneliness hits

I am, perhaps, a little too independent and therefore don't tell people that I feel lonely. It is easy to say join clubs, volunteer etc. but I have found most conversations revolve around children and grandchildren so I can't join in, yes I take an interest in other peoples pride in their children and grandchildren but usually end up sitting on the fringe alone and unnoticed.

I never found time to volunteer when I worked full time.

I did read the op.

Volunteering isn't just for the retired.

My volunteering is about me helping and meeting members of our community and getting to meet and interact with other volunteers.

ferry23 I think you have been quite unlucky. Are there any other book groups nearby?

Re events - if you have limited mobility and contact the organisers ahead of time to say so I hope you'd find them helpful. I know one village organiser was very helpful this summer during a busy "open gardens" event.

I think it must feel to be quite a struggle but I think friendships do take time.

I hope something "clicks" for you, ferry.
It's a bit disheartening, specially at this time of year when it's drab.

Keep at it, though

I have recently moved to another area where I have some family members so I fortunately do see them more often now which has probably saved me from becoming quite depressed.

I live alone and my children are not close by. It's quite daunting to constantly be walking into new situations and environments where you know nobody, but I suppose you just have to keep at it.

I've so far attempted to join a book club which all looked good until they changed the time from mornings to evenings which is no good for me. My night vision is not the best for driving and this is quite a few miles away with a lot of driving through unlit country lanes.

I diarised an local Arts Society lecture for next week which has now been cancelled. I wanted to join a Creative Writing group but it is full with a long waiting list.

I tried to attend an open air concert a couple of weeks ago but despite arriving almost 2 hours before the start time, the nearest available parking was at least half a mile away and I have limited mobility.

So it's not really just as simple as finding things to get involved in - or maybe I've just been a bit unlucky.

Good old Fido, indeed.

I have noticed that dog walkers seem to be an affable lots, though.

All smiles and "good mornings"

MissAdventure

People on here have meet ups, Tgran.
Perhaps come on here and have the odd chat, anyway (and there are some odd ones!)

Life can be very lonely without conversation, I know.

That’s why pets are useful, MissA. “Shall I have salad for lunch, or soup, Fido?”. “Woof, woof”. “Soup? Ok”

People on here have meet ups, Tgran.
Perhaps come on here and have the odd chat, anyway (and there are some odd ones!)

Life can be very lonely without conversation, I know.

You can be surrounded by people occupied by work or other commitments and still be very lonely. If you don’t talk about how you feel and seek advice no body in your life will know the starting point is to talk.
Your partner your DS or DD your few friends you might not want to open up and burden them. I think being completely honest is best I know from experience in my own life keeping it to yourself is unhealthy.
There are some good suggestions already here to give you ideas how to help you. I hope you do reach out to those close to you as you have reached out to us here. You might be surprised at the amount of support you get that in itself will hopefully lift your spirits.

joking? do

kittylester

BlueBelle has said just what I wanted to say.

My mum used to say that people need something to hang their week
on.

I think you’re right, kittylester, and BlueBelle, but Tgran does say she works. I agree though about having “something to hang your week on”. Since I retired, I do certain things on different days of the week - some at home, some going to places.
Although you say the relationship with your partner is not great, Tgran, do you do things together? Could you joking something together? Do you like films, meals out, walking? Do you have a pet? Dog walkers seem to meet a lot of people to chat to!
Do you have family nearby?
Hope things get better for you soon. I think many of us have experienced what you’re feeling at times. Look after yourself.

I went through a similar phase- well done for reaching out. I was going to set up a group of my own and then a few people got back in contact with me and I have regular meet ups with old friends instead.

Why not look some of them up and give them a ring? You may be surprised at the response- I hope so.

So glad you came on here to say this, am sure there are many people suffering loneliness in silence but it is I believe a national crisis affecting all age groups.
I also suffered terribly from loneliness despite, being an introvert, a good few years ago.now. I have an OH and had a couple of friends who were not close, but my OH was working as a teacher back then and spent most of his free time catching up with paperwork. I had worked too until I suffered a breakdown.
At my lowest ebb my OH suggested voluntary work. I went along to a local project helping the homeless. At first I felt a bit awkward, but because I was working I just threw myself into that and in time other volunteers would chat with me, and a bit further along the line I made some lovely friends whom I am still in contact with. I then went on to work as a volunteer with asylum seekers. The fact that you are working together with a shared purpose makes you feel better about yourself even before you make friends.
It certainly helped me.
All the best x

I have never really experienced this freewheeling being part of a group who are just a social group meeting for coffee mornings etc. Almost every friend I have, and have had, beyond childhood has been made through activities I have joined, whether that was voluntary work, special interests, classes or whatever.

The other thing I do with groups I join, is offer help when needed, whether washing the coffee mugs or going on the committee.

Tgran says she works and has a regular child care commitment, so perhaps not a lot of time to volunteer.
It’s an odd question, but are you truly lonely, or do you feel alone? Have you felt this way for a while and do you feel low enough to speak to your GP or call the Samaritans?
I’m sure if you read some of the threads here you’ll see that many live alone, some refer to loneliness, others don’t.
Perhaps your less than ideal partnership has a lot to answer for - time to move on?

Please don’t think I’m unsympathetic, because I’m not, but life is what you make it. X