My partner can't stand my daughter

Your partner is being totally selfish and unreasonable, how would she feel if you told her you hated her kids,,perhaps she should think about that and stop being selfish and nasty

The divorce rate for second marriages is 70%. Reading here on Grandsnet I am always reading about some grudge step-parents are having towards their partner’s children. It should be a warning to anyone contemplating a second/third marriage. The signs were always there. This situation is not going to get better. In the end you may have to choose which side is more important to you. I hope you choose the children you helped bring into this world.

I am both a step daughter and a step mother - both can be difficult situations at times, for all concerned, but I think that "Acceptance" is the way forward .
Like, dislike, love, hate, jealousy etc cannot be allowed to dominate if you love the person who is piggy in the middle (in my case, my father and my husband).
In fact, having had a wobbly start I realised that my dad had actually made an excellent choice and I could see why he loved my stepmother so, despite expressing hatred for her when I first found out my dad was leaving my mum for her. I was angry and embarrassed and all sorts of other feelings, but my amazing stepmother weathered it all and stayed true to herself and with acceptance and respect she became like a 2nd mother to me and I love her to bits.
My step children are still a work in progress however but that's another story.

Maybe the way I’m reading it but your daughter does come across as being the most important person out of all your family, more so than your sons even? Maybe your partner got fed up and just lashed out.
Also I have my own children and step children/ grandchildren and I am very lucky, worked hard to achieve it though, in that we all get on great, the step children even meet up independently on occasions so no jealousy involved as they are all treated equally. But apart from the grandchildren saying “Love you Nanny/Grandad” we don’t tell each others children we love them all the time, there’s no need, there’s respect.

If your wife gets on alright with your sons (and their partners if they have them), I think that tells you something about both her and your daughter. I presume you get along with your wife's children too. I wish you all well.

Well it has been said now, your partner doesn't seem to like your daughter, I think the repeated digs about her parenting may have been a clue. As for not being able to stand her I think that was said in the heat of the moment during an argument, so I don't think it goes as deep as that, but I think you have to take on board that your partner does dislike your daughter.
Instead of trying to change this you will either have to accept it or cause a rift with your partner. If it was me I would come to an uneasy accommodation of it, continuing to visit my daughter and GC alone and keeping visits to yourself and your partner to the 3 times a year. Am sure that during these visits your partner can be perfectly civil and help you look after your daughter and GC. When you marry someone that person isn't marrying your family, she is marrying you, and if your relationship is strong in every other way would go with it but do occasionally discuss the fact that you wish she could get along better with your daughter because she also has to realise that a marriage is all about compromise.
I wish you well with this. x

Is that what you think it comes down to?
Your daughter being unpleasant at first?

We both own the house - my daughter is no longer jealous of my wife but seems now my wife can not forgive her for ever having had a problem

FGMA

May I ask whose house you are living in yours or hers
Which of you is the breadwinner.

In so many second marriages Inheritance becomes an issue either the family hates the new spouse, or the new spouse manipulates the other. Even if nothing untoward is intended or happens the suspicion spoils the relationships.

What does this mean??

So much fuss!!

Baggs

Could all the extra stress of the wedding and arrangements and lots of visitors around have pushed what are usually small irritations to the surface? Possibly even your daughter's speech at the wedding pushed partner over a brink. It's odd, otherwise, that this has only come out after thirteen years, especially as it was your daughter who was jealous early on.

Thank you - no it wasn't that. There has been other things that have happened in the passed. I feel that now we are married now maybe she feels 'safe' to say how she really feels.

Could all the extra stress of the wedding and arrangements and lots of visitors around have pushed what are usually small irritations to the surface? Possibly even your daughter's speech at the wedding pushed partner over a brink. It's odd, otherwise, that this has only come out after thirteen years, especially as it was your daughter who was jealous early on.

If my partner didn’t like my daughter and didn’t want to spend time with them, especially if they said so in such a specific way, I’d say close the door on your way out! A daughter is much more important than a partner

Debbi58

They are both adults, if they don't want to be around each other , that's up to them. Naturally you want all the people you love , to get along and spend time together. But if they don't want too , you can't force it . I would visit my daughter and grandchildren on my own if I were you

Thank you - yes I do visit alone but obv the times we all get together xmas Easter etc I am now not wanting my wife to be anywhere near my daughter is this is how she feels and results in her actions. She also has 2 children who I have a loving relationship with and have tried my best to be a good step parent too - obv not always achieved this but derfinatley have tried. I am now faced with playing happy families with her and her children but not having her be part of mine.

It sounds as if there is a lot of love between you and partner but many, many complicating factors which as people have said may include jealousy and also pressures which change as time goes on and children grow up....

I'd suggest some counselling, time to stand back, reassess, find compromises:

it feels worth saving despite hurt words you feel right now you cant come back from.

I don't know if I quite understood the original post, however I think my point remains that jealousy is a sort of fear, and the jealous person needs plenty of reassurance.

Second marriages often involve offspring from a former marriage jealously guarding what they think are their rights to either status in a parent's affections or possessions.

In my experience the jealousy can be appeased by the spouses giving ample reassurances in words and actions.

I would continue to visit your daughter on her own for maybe, longer visits. I think your partner was very insensitive to your needs and could easily have gone out on her own.. I would find it difficult to trust what your partner says after this appalling comment about your daughter.. Perhaps have some couple counselling to try to get to the real cause of this dissent if you wish to move forward in this marriage,

Agree with Debbi58

They are both adults, if they don't want to be around each other , that's up to them. Naturally you want all the people you love , to get along and spend time together. But if they don't want too , you can't force it . I would visit my daughter and grandchildren on my own if I were you

I'm not sure I could get past what has been said.

It's out now, and can't be unsaid, and I'm a bit of a grudge bearer.

I'd certainly try, though, for love.

Thanks, FGMA. Yes, I do understand that.

I agree with ex-dancer's idea that you might just have to accept that there is jealousy (sometimes covered up) between your partner and your daughter. I'm sure you can find ways to work around that. Good luck anyway.

Baggs

I may be reading the posts wrong, but it seems everything was arranged for what you want, FGMA. Did your partner agree with all the arrangements before they were made or were they just imposed on her? If the latter, it may have taken her a while to pluck up the courage to speak out.

If you see your daughter every month, why is this evening so important?

Goodness no not at all - her family were also not far away and every day her kids went over there for family time with aunts cousins etc or they came over to us and when I had to work she and the kids all went together. Lots of family time. My daughter was the only one of our children (all grown up with partners) that couldn't stay at our house so already I felt bad about that. Having your family at your home with grandkids is a super special time - not the same as visiting them when its all busy and they are at work/ kids at childmnders etc so sure you can understand why it is special and also my 2 sons & partners were here and so being all together is very special and not something we get to do very often.

I may be reading the posts wrong, but it seems everything was arranged for what you want, FGMA. Did your partner agree with all the arrangements before they were made or were they just imposed on her? If the latter, it may have taken her a while to pluck up the courage to speak out.

If you see your daughter every month, why is this evening so important?