My partner can't stand my daughter

I recently remarried my first priority was that my new wife would get on with my 3 daughters, if not there would have been no marriage.

You tried to do too much the wedding week and caused more stress, but that is no excuse for your wife/husband to say that about your daughter. It’s not unusual for people to change after they are married and take advantage of the other, unless you kiss and make up quickly it’s going to be a very short marriage.

David49 👏

So your partner has arranged to go and see friends on your daughter's last night.
If they are good friends I'm sure they'd understand that, as it's her last night, you'd like to put off your visit to another day, and spend your last night with your daughter.
If they are your partner's friends rather than yours, surely your partner can visit them alone.
Alternatively why don't the friends come round and visit you instead?
Then accept that your partner and your daughter are jealous of each other and unlikely to change, and arrange your life so they meet as little as possible.

Thank you - its more that I wanted special time with them without anyone else as we had a house full all week and so hadn't had any quality time with them. I said way before the wedding this is what I wanted but she sprung this on me a few days before. I arranged for the friends to come over instead in the afternoon and yes of course they understood

David49

I recently remarried my first priority was that my new wife would get on with my 3 daughters, if not there would have been no marriage.

You tried to do too much the wedding week and caused more stress, but that is no excuse for your wife/husband to say that about your daughter. It’s not unusual for people to change after they are married and take advantage of the other, unless you kiss and make up quickly it’s going to be a very short marriage.

Yes I agree - but kissing and making up without an understanding of whats gong on here just doesn't work for me. I have lived with her kids for 10 years with all the dramas and ups and downs but she cant cope with a few days of being nice when my daughter only gets to visit us at our home abroad once a year. just doesn't seem fare at all and very hurtful.

I may be reading the posts wrong, but it seems everything was arranged for what you want, FGMA. Did your partner agree with all the arrangements before they were made or were they just imposed on her? If the latter, it may have taken her a while to pluck up the courage to speak out.

If you see your daughter every month, why is this evening so important?

Baggs

I may be reading the posts wrong, but it seems everything was arranged for what you want, FGMA. Did your partner agree with all the arrangements before they were made or were they just imposed on her? If the latter, it may have taken her a while to pluck up the courage to speak out.

If you see your daughter every month, why is this evening so important?

Goodness no not at all - her family were also not far away and every day her kids went over there for family time with aunts cousins etc or they came over to us and when I had to work she and the kids all went together. Lots of family time. My daughter was the only one of our children (all grown up with partners) that couldn't stay at our house so already I felt bad about that. Having your family at your home with grandkids is a super special time - not the same as visiting them when its all busy and they are at work/ kids at childmnders etc so sure you can understand why it is special and also my 2 sons & partners were here and so being all together is very special and not something we get to do very often.

Thanks, FGMA. Yes, I do understand that.

I agree with ex-dancer's idea that you might just have to accept that there is jealousy (sometimes covered up) between your partner and your daughter. I'm sure you can find ways to work around that. Good luck anyway.

I'm not sure I could get past what has been said.

It's out now, and can't be unsaid, and I'm a bit of a grudge bearer.

I'd certainly try, though, for love.

They are both adults, if they don't want to be around each other , that's up to them. Naturally you want all the people you love , to get along and spend time together. But if they don't want too , you can't force it . I would visit my daughter and grandchildren on my own if I were you

Agree with Debbi58

I would continue to visit your daughter on her own for maybe, longer visits. I think your partner was very insensitive to your needs and could easily have gone out on her own.. I would find it difficult to trust what your partner says after this appalling comment about your daughter.. Perhaps have some couple counselling to try to get to the real cause of this dissent if you wish to move forward in this marriage,

Second marriages often involve offspring from a former marriage jealously guarding what they think are their rights to either status in a parent's affections or possessions.

In my experience the jealousy can be appeased by the spouses giving ample reassurances in words and actions.

I don't know if I quite understood the original post, however I think my point remains that jealousy is a sort of fear, and the jealous person needs plenty of reassurance.

It sounds as if there is a lot of love between you and partner but many, many complicating factors which as people have said may include jealousy and also pressures which change as time goes on and children grow up....

I'd suggest some counselling, time to stand back, reassess, find compromises:

it feels worth saving despite hurt words you feel right now you cant come back from.

Debbi58

They are both adults, if they don't want to be around each other , that's up to them. Naturally you want all the people you love , to get along and spend time together. But if they don't want too , you can't force it . I would visit my daughter and grandchildren on my own if I were you

Thank you - yes I do visit alone but obv the times we all get together xmas Easter etc I am now not wanting my wife to be anywhere near my daughter is this is how she feels and results in her actions. She also has 2 children who I have a loving relationship with and have tried my best to be a good step parent too - obv not always achieved this but derfinatley have tried. I am now faced with playing happy families with her and her children but not having her be part of mine.

If my partner didn’t like my daughter and didn’t want to spend time with them, especially if they said so in such a specific way, I’d say close the door on your way out! A daughter is much more important than a partner

Could all the extra stress of the wedding and arrangements and lots of visitors around have pushed what are usually small irritations to the surface? Possibly even your daughter's speech at the wedding pushed partner over a brink. It's odd, otherwise, that this has only come out after thirteen years, especially as it was your daughter who was jealous early on.

Baggs

Could all the extra stress of the wedding and arrangements and lots of visitors around have pushed what are usually small irritations to the surface? Possibly even your daughter's speech at the wedding pushed partner over a brink. It's odd, otherwise, that this has only come out after thirteen years, especially as it was your daughter who was jealous early on.

Thank you - no it wasn't that. There has been other things that have happened in the passed. I feel that now we are married now maybe she feels 'safe' to say how she really feels.

So much fuss!!

What does this mean??

FGMA

May I ask whose house you are living in yours or hers
Which of you is the breadwinner.

In so many second marriages Inheritance becomes an issue either the family hates the new spouse, or the new spouse manipulates the other. Even if nothing untoward is intended or happens the suspicion spoils the relationships.

We both own the house - my daughter is no longer jealous of my wife but seems now my wife can not forgive her for ever having had a problem

Is that what you think it comes down to?
Your daughter being unpleasant at first?