The division of household labour post-retirement

I'm feeling a bit sad. Been ill with a bad chest infection but it's still all down to me. I think I'm low and feeling sorry for myself.

No change here. He's disabled and has been for over 30 years so the vast majority down to me.

It's the garden waste bin which is heaviest!
Followed by the box with glass.

The rest is in bags or a smaller bin.

Simple, we have no bins here! But he does take the bag out of our bin and drives to the large container in our hamlet- using our 'pay for weight' card. But I do have to ask!

The key question:

Who puts the bins out?

I agree with Fleurpepper it is very difficult to change pattern once retired. My DH mows the lawns, washes the two cars, does heavy gardening and good at fixing things! He does all our ironing and decorating but I do the rest. I worked part time he had a very demanding full time job. He will always help with anything I ask him too. He is good helping with the grandchildren care too.
Retirement isn’t easy for my DH after a challenging and full on working life but he is getting there

I had to do everything when DH was away but the one thing I disliked most was mowing the lawns, especially as we lived on the side of a hill and the garden was terraced.

All our married life, DH worked very long hours, night and week-ends too. I worked full time too- but not as long, and more flexible than he was. So I did it all, meals, kids, shopping, gardening, decorating, the organising, etc, etc. I had a cleaner as soon as I worked full time.

Now retired, no cleaner. He does his own ironing and mows the lawn. And I still do all the rest.. He will help and do tasks if I ask, but it never crosses his mind. He is a very good man- but the pattern is set and won't change. From time to time, he will cook- but again, only if I ask.

It is very difficult to change pattern once retired, I believe.

teach

Mollyb and Indigo8:
Thanks for bringing that up... I wonder if this is a difference between older baby boomers and younger boomers/Gen X? Did older boomers, who maybe didn't work outside the home or perhaps worked part-time, consider the home to be their domain more than the younger ones who probably worked full-time and/or had a career and weren't so willing to start work again when they got home in the evening? Just speculating - I'm a younger boomer who definitely wouldn't take kindly to a man suggesting that he was 'helping' me around the house or 'babysitting' his own kids.

IMO, working - for money or keeping our home tidy and food cooked is all working - nobody stops whilst the other works.

My husband is not fully retired, neither am I from his books and our home. We both work until we both can rest - fair is fair!

GrannyGravy13

DH pays the gardener

I pay the cleaner

Both do what is necessary in between, although he has no idea how the washing machine works or where the iron and ironing board are…

😂😂😂

Thank goodness DH knows one end of the iron and ironing board from the other because I don't!

We managed to divide housework quite amicably in our working years, mixing it up between us according to the circumstances: whoever gets up last makes the bed; whoever gets home from work first starts cooking dinner; one washes the dishes, the other dries; the person who makes (or even just notices) a mess clears it up; whoever needs a fresh shirt is the one who irons it. That all changed after we both retired. The problem isn't really dividing the chores fairly, so much as getting under each other's feet. Few things worse than trying to get on with a chore when your spouse wants to do something else in the same room, or lugging the hoover along the narrow hall and meeting your spouse coming the other way with an armload of recycling (or whatever). I think it would be great if one person could be hung up in a closet while the other gets on with things. But I guess that might constitute spousal abuse... ;>

Since we moved here 5 years ago husband has started doing all his own washing. It started due to his clothes being filthy while levelling the garden, concreting steps, fitting patio slabs etc.
Husband does most of the cooking, grocery shopping, and all gardening, sorts bins and recycling, decorating and walks the dogs.
I do 95% of the cleaning, my washing including household washing sheets towels curtains, all ironing although OH rarely wants anything ironed, sort all bills, sort meds if dogs need anything, clean inside windows, etc. Anything heavy OH does or helps as my health isn't good. Works for us
OH worked away from home a lot of the time during our marriage so I can do most things or know how to contact tradesmen, get quotes etc.

After my dh retired I was talking to my sil and saying what a pain it was having to decide what to have for dinner every day and dh chirps up
‘Why?I’m not fussy’
My sil understood and agreed with me, and sil said to him, you do it then,to him.He was fed up after 6 weeks! But now does sometimes make dinner and also suggestions in the morning.
He’ll also help change the bed which he’s never done before and said he thought the bed only got changed every couple of month(which it’s every week) and felt I’d been making work for myself for more than 50 years!

Second marriage here too and DH had been used to looking after himself and his kids roughly half the week. We mostly do our own laundry, he does sheets and towels too. He does his own shopping for breakfast and lunch - we get our own meals in the daytime. I cook in the evening - in theory, he clears up although it is a bit variable. Mows lawns and does heavy work in the garden. But my bug bear is that he absolutely does not do cleaning - just does not see or care about it. Although he will often say how much he loves the home we’ve built together and compliments me on the things I’ve chosen and how I put it together, I don’t think he sees the effort it takes to maintain that. I take on most of the administrative and social organization of our lives; but I am increasingly finding myself having to manage tradespeople - finding, liaising, supervising etc. We have his grandson one day a week. But I also have much more responsibility for my mum now too. While there is a reasonable division of practical tasks, I feel like the organisational and emotional load is falling more to me. He is 10 years post-retirement and confidence etc is slowly declining. Like someone else here I’d love to move to a smaller (more practical) house but he flatly refuses.

Yes, my husband does the washing up now and also sometimes gets the supper/tea or whatever you call it. I always get lunch which we now have as our main meal at lunch time.

Madmeg

I AM THAT WOMAN RUNNING HERSELF RAGGED!

My DH never did his share of the household stuff - even including cleaning the car and mowing the lawn. He was okay on putting up shelves etc but it took forever. I've never seen him with an iron or a duster. There was a short spell when he would cook a casserole but that was long ago.

When our girls were small I "only" worked about 15 hours a week, becoming more like 30. He was a Uni lecturer back in the day when the teaching load was under 10 hours a week and they got more than 12 weeks holiday. He always had Fridays off. By the time I also became a Uni lecturer those times had gone and I worked about 60 hours a week plus a 45-mile drive there and back. I still did most of the chores though.

After we retired (both about the same time) I imagined there would be a fairer distribution of tasks but it hasn't happened. He calls "preparing the evening meal" putting a pizza and a baked potato in the oven.

He usually puts the washing on, and loads/unloads the dishwasher. He usually prepares breakfast - cereal and fruit - and brews a lot of tea/coffee. But he never tidies up and leaves dishes on every worktop. Since my diagnosis of scoliosis over 25 years ago he has mowed the lawns (if I remind him) and undertook to do the hoovering, but that happens only 2 or 3 times a year. I could go on, but you get the drift.

In our 52 years I have managed household finances/investments/loans/credit cards. I once showed him my budget and how to organise it all and gave him responsibility for the monthly finances. We were overdrawn within a week.

It's not that he begrudges doing things, he just doesn't see what needs doing. It doesn't bother him if the place is a mess, or unclean. We have separate bedrooms/bathrooms and it does not cross his mind to ever wash the bedding or clean the bathroom and I am fed up of reminding/asking him.

Over the past 12 months I have been having treatment for cancer and his workload has stayed exactly the same as it was beforehand. I told him exactly what I needed help with and he promptly forgot - or apologised and said he didn't have time. During that time I have done almost everything that I previously did or it hasn't been done.

Oh, he does the food shopping. We have a local Tesco and he goes almost daily for something he says we have run out of. It doesn't matter that we aren't going to need it for a week. He manages to add another ten items to his basket and when he gets home I find we already had more than enough of these items in stock. It got to the stage where we had to buy a third freezer for it all. Needless to say all three freezers are in total disarray with some foodstuffs likely 3 or 4 years old.

How I envy all of you whose other half IS a half, or at least thereabouts.

Sorry you're struggling, Madmeg. This is where it gets doubly difficult for women isn't it? You could stop doing all the extra work to match his (lack of) effort as a form of protest but then he wouldn't notice or care anyhow and the place would just go to rack and ruin, causing you more distress.

I don't know what advice to offer (not that you were asking for it) - I'd be long gone!

At the very least, I'd be getting a cleaner. (I was about to write: "And making him pay for it" but it sounds like he wouldn't notice or care about that either!)

Oh yes it changed, even thought I was looking after our Grandson 4 days a week, he decided I should do everything else as well. He just sits on the couch on his iPad and lets me do everything!! I even have to put the bins out and clean them, he did used to do that . I am exhausted

Sorry folks, I didn't realise my first response had actually appeared - it wasn't there when I wrote the next one!!!

I AM THAT WOMAN RUNNING HERSELF RAGGED!

My DH never did his share of the household stuff - even including cleaning the car and mowing the lawn. He was okay on putting up shelves etc but it took forever. I've never seen him with an iron or a duster. There was a short spell when he would cook a casserole but that was long ago.

When our girls were small I "only" worked about 15 hours a week, becoming more like 30. He was a Uni lecturer back in the day when the teaching load was under 10 hours a week and they got more than 12 weeks holiday. He always had Fridays off. By the time I also became a Uni lecturer those times had gone and I worked about 60 hours a week plus a 45-mile drive there and back. I still did most of the chores though.

After we retired (both about the same time) I imagined there would be a fairer distribution of tasks but it hasn't happened. He calls "preparing the evening meal" putting a pizza and a baked potato in the oven.

He usually puts the washing on, and loads/unloads the dishwasher. He usually prepares breakfast - cereal and fruit - and brews a lot of tea/coffee. But he never tidies up and leaves dishes on every worktop. Since my diagnosis of scoliosis over 25 years ago he has mowed the lawns (if I remind him) and undertook to do the hoovering, but that happens only 2 or 3 times a year. I could go on, but you get the drift.

In our 52 years I have managed household finances/investments/loans/credit cards. I once showed him my budget and how to organise it all and gave him responsibility for the monthly finances. We were overdrawn within a week.

It's not that he begrudges doing things, he just doesn't see what needs doing. It doesn't bother him if the place is a mess, or unclean. We have separate bedrooms/bathrooms and it does not cross his mind to ever wash the bedding or clean the bathroom and I am fed up of reminding/asking him.

Over the past 12 months I have been having treatment for cancer and his workload has stayed exactly the same as it was beforehand. I told him exactly what I needed help with and he promptly forgot - or apologised and said he didn't have time. During that time I have done almost everything that I previously did or it hasn't been done.

Oh, he does the food shopping. We have a local Tesco and he goes almost daily for something he says we have run out of. It doesn't matter that we aren't going to need it for a week. He manages to add another ten items to his basket and when he gets home I find we already had more than enough of these items in stock. It got to the stage where we had to buy a third freezer for it all. Needless to say all three freezers are in total disarray with some foodstuffs likely 3 or 4 years old.

How I envy all of you whose other half IS a half, or at least thereabouts.

My partner insists on doing most of the house work and gardening. He likes my cooking and baking so I do a lot of that for the freezer and he’ll use it to make meals.

No, because he took early retirement at 59 at the end of February 2020, and we all know what happened in March that year. So he barely left his chair and gradually over the years has almost totally lost his mobility.
I also have arthritis in every joint, including my spine, so we have a cleaner for a couple of hours once a week. I do everything else, including caring for my 2 dogs, and most of the gardening.

I’m confused. Some of you mention that your partner helps. Do I assume that you are salaried housekeepers then?

Helping is doing someone else’s job as a kindness.

Perhaps you mean they are contributing to the household tasks in the way that normal and unselfish couples do?

Unless they are disabled or you have a clear distribution of tasks, any partner not contributing is selfish or lazy.

Shopping and cooking

Cabbie21

When I married Mr Cabbie, it was a second marriage for both of us. He was a capable single parent who somehow managed to work full time and cope with two small children. I was unable to find a full-time job for a couple of years, so naturally I did most of the chores. Even when I did work full time, he worked longer hours, seven days a week in term time for a few years, so the pattern persisted and became entrenched. He did lots of DIY, gardening and decorating in the school holidays, so we very much settled by default into “ women’s work” and “men’s work” , though it was always said tongue in cheek. I don’t have many practical skills, of a male or female variety!

I think you've got to be fair about it don't you Cabbie2? I copied down a quote yesterday that:

"Across the life cycle, only the transition from married to widowed, divorced, or separated significantly increases a man’s time in unpaid domestic labour."

I think after retirement, the playing field is levelled as far as who does what around the home is concerned and everything is up for negotiation. I get very annoyed when I see a man sitting on the sofa watching TV whilst the woman is running herself ragged doing everything.

Mind you, it always annoys me on Christmas Day when the men just sit around watching TV and waiting for the meal to be served while the women have been up since dawn, slogging away!

When I married Mr Cabbie, it was a second marriage for both of us. He was a capable single parent who somehow managed to work full time and cope with two small children. I was unable to find a full-time job for a couple of years, so naturally I did most of the chores. Even when I did work full time, he worked longer hours, seven days a week in term time for a few years, so the pattern persisted and became entrenched. He did lots of DIY, gardening and decorating in the school holidays, so we very much settled by default into “ women’s work” and “men’s work” , though it was always said tongue in cheek. I don’t have many practical skills, of a male or female variety!