Partner’s reaction to me OTT? Need advice.

What kind of person is the "older boyfriend" ?

What do we know about him?
Has he maybe a "history" of some sort?

On your shoes I would no longer love a man that behaved in such a dreadful way. Who on earth does he think he is !? Move on and away from him , things will only get worse if you don't.

It’s a very difficult thing to deal with, our daughter was just sixteen, the man was twenty five, we told her she couldn’t go out on a weeknight, and we would expect her, and him if he wished to join family occasions.
When she started apparently, staying with a friend at the weekend, I asked her if she was staying at his, he still lived with his parents, she admitted she was, and we had to deal with it as well as we could, although we hated he situation, and really disliked him.
Sadly for us, I’d didn’t fizzle out, they eventually lived together and had a child, after a while she came home, but I often wonder if we would have been better to try and stop it, though in my heart, I know it would have caused a major rift between us.
So please don’t let him judge your girl, she may be worried sick, try and support her.

Your partner sounds as if he is determined to be coercive and controlling. I'm not too certain but I think it may be some sort of criminal offence - perhaps someone on this thread has more info?

I'm afraid I have to agree that this is controlling behaviour on the part of your partner, and this creates a dreadful situation for you.
I wonder if he is reacting this way because of something that happened in his / his family's past. I also wonder if he knows the man your DGD is seeing and has specific concerns.
You need to be available for your daughter's family, and to be thinking about them, not anxious about your partner's reaction.

You say he is normally a loving partner and you have been together a good while. Could you ask him for a 'breather'? Say that he doesn't have to see them, but you need to see them, and could you discuss again in (whatever time seems reasonable to you)

You didn't ask for advice about your DD / DGD, but I would be much more concerned about how this man is with your DGD and how she is with him.
I will share my story, but don't read if you don't want to!
For 18 months when I was 15-16 I was in a lovely relationship with an 'older man' (21-22). My parents (and grandparents) welcomed him, he was kind and thoughtful and I loved him dearly. As I got near to 17, we both realised that the lives we wanted were not compatible with each other, and we agreed to part. We have both had happy marriages and lovely families, and both think of each other fondly as part of steps along the way of life. I hope your DGD has a similar experience.

I don't know - if he's trying to part you from your family.yes that's totally out of order. If he's just saying, do as you please but don't involve me (don't talk to him about it, don't expect him to meet them) & your relationship is otherwise good, you do have the choice of respecting his lines in the sand & seeing your daughter & granddaughter as normal, just not involving him. If as you say,he's offered to leave home so they can visit (& it's his house) it doesn't sound that controlling to me.

I know when I was a teenager if I d have been banned from seeing someone I d have got out through the window or whatever and gone anyway (hands over mouth, nervous giggle, I did and yes he was older and had a car and seemed like the cats whiskers but it soon fizzled out)
Your husband is well out of order and has no right to try to part you from your family

I feel like welbeck over this issue. It does seem strange to take such a strong stance and I wonder if there is an underlying problem.

There have been a lot of good replies here, Theresa. Obviously, we don’t know for sure, but it’s probable that your daughter and her husband, by agreeing to their daughter seeing this older boyfriend and perhaps allowing him into their home, means they can keep a better eye on things without alienating their daughter. As you yourself will know, being a parent can’t be easy at times, and finding the right balance not always easy. It seems to me that your daughter and her DH are approaching this in a very sensible way, whereas your partner seems not to be. Try to have the discussion with him, but if he refuses to listen, then let him sulk, but do not let him dictate what you should do regarding your daughter and granddaughter.

does anyone here think this is a moral issue ?
i can't see it.
did he describe it as such, OP, or you ?
sounds odd.
any other strange behaviour, attitudes ?

I would be honest with your daughter. Then tell him it's up to him whether he goes out or stays in; regardless you will be entertaining them. And if he is rude etc when they are there just ignore him!

Alternatively explain to your daughter and let her decide if she wants to come to you or you meet elsewhere.
At the same time have a very straight talk with him. Tell him that you will continue to see your family regardless of his views because you love them and will be there for them. Tell him that you expect the same from him towards you and if he cant do that then times up! Do you REALLY want this relationship if he sticks to his present position?

Your partner needs to consider his idea of morality in terms of his relationship with you Theresa. His current behaviour hardly gives him the moral high ground.

I have a friend whose husband, of over 35 years is a year older than friends own mother.
Caused a lot of problems early on but couldn't be happier now, although no step parents involved - real parents - who didn't behave as childishly as your partner is behaving.

You have absolutely no control over what your daughter does with her child. You might not like her choices but that's tough. You do have a choice about whether you accept your husband's outrageous demands. He would definitely be trampling all over my line in the sand. Nobody has the right to come between you and your child. Only you should make the choice about your relationship with your child and in these circumstances, I can't for the life of me see why you should go no contact. Stand your ground and ask him to make himself scarce or be pleasant in their company.

If he knows of this man surely he would give his reasons for objecting to the situation, not refuse to even discuss it. Unless of course his dislike has something to do with a past disagreement between the two of them.

My thoughts are that maybe he knows this man (or of him).
It may be much deeper than it at first appears.
I suspect there is more to it than meets the eye.

Thanks to you all for your great advice. This is the first time I have posted and I appreciate that you have taken the time to respond.

Having read your second comment Theresa I would agree with other posters.. encourage him to go out then spend the time getting to know this new male friend of your GD.. He may be absolutely lovely.. or as someone else said it may be a short term relationship. Whatever happens it is better for your GD to know she is loved and supported whatever her choices. and if he is sensible your partner will discuss the outcome with you rationally..

Many years ago. I saw this situation of young girl and older man twice. One family essentially did what your partner is doing and the others played for time

Inthe first case the parents played the hard card, banned her from seeing him, So she ran off and married him - and the result was a disaster. The relationship ended, he stalked her and it ended up with court cases and tragedy.

In the second case, the parents played for time, the man did not live locally, so they stalled, left her to fund her own fares if she went to visit him and were generally accepting and nice, but stalling, said what a shame she couldn't go out with friends/buy new clothes because of the cost of her fares etc etc. They had a difficult 2 years, but eventually the relationship was ended by their daughter.

Nothing at all to do with him or even you
As the granddaughter isnt an adult it’s up to her parents if they want to make waves or not sometimes just waiting for it to fizzle out will be enough, nothing at all to do with anyone else who she goes out with
Let him go out for the day and you enjoy yourself with your family

Your partner does not sound rational. I am not sure I would want this sort of behaviour in my life.

But let him go away while your DD visits. She is probably between a rock and a hard place herself, and your partner is just compounding the problem unnecessarily.

I would be asking myself why my partner might feel so strongly about his teen step-GD's relationship.

Well said easybee!

And under these circumstances I would be running for the hills. If he thinks he can control your relationship with your DD and GD what else is he capable of in the future?

When I met my OH we both agreed 'family first'. We might not always approve but we would never disregard them.

I have just read your second post and re-written my reply.
This situation is ridiculous; your partner has no right to interfere the way your daughter and partner are bringing up their daughter and expect you to exclude them from your life.
This isn't a matter of morals; this is him attempting to impose his dislike of a relationship on them and consequently on you.
This seems strange after a happy relationship of fifteen years; it would be more understandable if it was your daughter whom he had helped bring up. This is not a matter of principle but a battle of wills and he is, in my opinion, behaving extremely arrogantly. She is not his grandchild. He is making you choose between him and your daughter's family. Dangerous.
Continue with your family's visit; he will behave how he chooses and hopefully will realise how childish his sulks are. You will have to make decisions about your relationship following this visit, but can you continue to live with being bullied for not agreeing with his so-called moral principles?

It may not fizzle out. For what it's worth my daughter married a man twice her age. They have been blissfully happy for many years.

Invite them round and let your partner deal with it in his own way. Sulking men need to be ignored. He's showing his true character in this situation.

The problem as I see it is the fact that although it’s far from an ideal situation, it may be short lived, and no harm done.
So how does he react if something worse happens? Hopefully it never will, but if it does, families need to pull together, not stand back and criticise