Partner’s reaction to me OTT? Need advice.

I understand why you wont want to go into too much detail, but it's difficult to know what to say without knowing what your partner is morally objecting too.

From what little you have felt able to say it looks as if he's punishing you for not reacting to your D and d.i.l's choice which is unacceptable.

I assume he isn't her father? If you don't find whatever they have done to be morally objectionable then I wouldn't allow him to treat you in this way.. You are presumably quite able to make your own decisions.. and how can he ban them from your home? stand up to him..

I can’t think of anything on “moral” grounds that I would object to, for me I don’t tolerate dishonesty, otherwise live and let live. He he should respect his wife’s opinion without making a big issue of it.

Does he normally have a close relationship with your Dd ? If he does , maybe his reaction is a sign of dementia

Your partner is being unreasonable to expect you to abandon your daughter because he is offended by her choices. Tell him you will be seeing her as usual and if he doesn't want to see her that's his choice.

How old is he?

What are you going to do? See them, but only at there place? Tell him that if youwant them to visit you at your home you will invite them round?

What will you do if he insists its him or them?

Have you got your money and other affairs in order so that if your relationship is over, you are ready to move out and move on?

You say it's not illegal but could it be construed in any way as dishonest? I'm assuming your daughter's decision will have no impact on your partner's life? The only other thing that springs to mind is that your daughter is having a termination?

Either way, your DH has absolutely no right to demand no contact with your own daughter. You already know this OP so I don't need to ratify it. If you choose his path I'd imagine you will grow to hate him and your daughter may never forgive you. So you will lose out on both counts.

If you want to carry on seeing your daughter despite whatever he objects to, YOU CAN

Thank you for such kind responses. There is no dishonesty involved. He doesn’t approve that they are allowing their teen daughter to have a much older boyfriend. I am not happy either but they are the parents, not us. He has always had a good relationship with my family but he claims this is now over, due to this situation. He is refusing to see them again regardless how this impacts me. They are meant to be visiting soon and I don’t know what to do. He says he will leave the property during their visit (which is his BTW) or be very cool towards them making everyone uncomfortable. I’m thinking I should let them know his feelings on the subject but I don’t want to lose my family over this. I thought for my sake he could be at least civil, but he says the situation is too unacceptable and I shouldn’t condone it either.

How old is your granddaughter

It is nothing to do with him. Their choices may be questionable but it is not for him to moralise. He is trying to control you which is illegal.

Your daughter may not be too happy with the situation either but probably realises you can't ban your daughter from seeing someone . Your daughter needs support not criticism. If your partner can't cope with the situation let him go out for the day. Maybe the relationship won't last and peace will be restored.

We were once in this situation with our daughter. It was the last thing we wanted, and weren’t happy about it at all, but we thought if we banned it completely, she would just go behind our backs. Instead we made a lot of rules.
So your daughter may be in a similar situation, talk to her about it, you might find she’s absolutely worried sick about it herself, and could do with some support.

Your partner is being utterly ridiculous and his behaviour amounts to coercive control, which is illegal. I don't suppose anyone's over the moon with your granddaughter's choice of boyfriend but forbidding her from seeing him will drive her further into his arms. She might even run away with him. It's important to keep the lines of communication open with your granddaughter and her parents are doing just that. How old is your partner? Does he live in a fantasy Victorian world where women (both you and your granddaughter) can be controlled and forbidden. Has he shown such reactionary tendencies before? You must nip this in the bud for the sake of your own future.

This is most definitely non of his business!!! Your daughter needs you and may be in an impossible situation regarding her daughter and choice of boyfriend. Tell your partner he is being unreasonable and controlling. This is your daughter he has no right to tell you to distance yourself from her or your granddaughter. Who does he think he is !? Stand up to him , in your position I would tell him to accept or leave. I know I could not be with a man who behaved in this cruel way and expected me to disown my own daughter. As you say he is not loving, so why are you still with him ? For goodness sake he is being very unreasonable - tell him to but out or ship out. You know you do not deserve this so stand your ground and put your daughter first !

A difficult situation all round, but actually none of your husband’s business.
Step-relationships are not always easy.

My DH “disapproved” of various aspects of the lifestyle of some of my family and after a while, he no longer came with me to their house, making various health problems his excuse. It meant that they were not aware of his opinions, and they just came to accept the situation. Conversely, for very different reasons, I didn’t accompany my DH when he visited his family. It worked out.

Sara1954

We were once in this situation with our daughter. It was the last thing we wanted, and weren’t happy about it at all, but we thought if we banned it completely, she would just go behind our backs. Instead we made a lot of rules.
So your daughter may be in a similar situation, talk to her about it, you might find she’s absolutely worried sick about it herself, and could do with some support.

Good advice.
I think I would tell your DP, if you haven’t already that you’re not happy about the situation either but family is family, and he can go out for the day or you can visit your DD at her house.
I think I’d tell your DD that DP can’t accept it but maybe will in time or the liaison won’t maybe last with the teen GD.

Try not to take sides here, tell your partner that you will continue to see your family and if he doesn’t like it he can make himself scarce. And make it clear to him that it is unreasonable to take it out on you, he can have his own opinions but he can’t try to manipulate you and make you take sides with him over this.
Hopefully he will take this on board but if he refuses and continues to sulk etc., you may need to look closely at your relationship because this may not be the first or last thing he disagrees with and expects you to comply with him on.

Babs03

Try not to take sides here, tell your partner that you will continue to see your family and if he doesn’t like it he can make himself scarce. And make it clear to him that it is unreasonable to take it out on you, he can have his own opinions but he can’t try to manipulate you and make you take sides with him over this.
Hopefully he will take this on board but if he refuses and continues to sulk etc., you may need to look closely at your relationship because this may not be the first or last thing he disagrees with and expects you to comply with him on.

I agree completely with what Babs03 has said. He will either have to put up or shut up.
It’s not even his daughter! What gives him the right to try to lay down the law like this? Don’t pander to him. If that damages your relationship with him, then tough. A man who can get in the way of people’s happiness is no man in my eyes.

Your partner is giving you a choice them or me simple as that. We all make choices no matter what age we are your GD has made hers. Whether you and your DD agrees with it is of no consequence really your GD will do what she chooses to do.

Whatever you decide about your partner matters obviously. You cannot be dictated to and ignored by an over grown spoilt child. Who by the sound of it will not let the matter rest so be honest with your DD and GD. Your partner is going to spoil the relationship you all have let it be on his conscience not yours.

The problem as I see it is the fact that although it’s far from an ideal situation, it may be short lived, and no harm done.
So how does he react if something worse happens? Hopefully it never will, but if it does, families need to pull together, not stand back and criticise

It may not fizzle out. For what it's worth my daughter married a man twice her age. They have been blissfully happy for many years.

Invite them round and let your partner deal with it in his own way. Sulking men need to be ignored. He's showing his true character in this situation.

I have just read your second post and re-written my reply.
This situation is ridiculous; your partner has no right to interfere the way your daughter and partner are bringing up their daughter and expect you to exclude them from your life.
This isn't a matter of morals; this is him attempting to impose his dislike of a relationship on them and consequently on you.
This seems strange after a happy relationship of fifteen years; it would be more understandable if it was your daughter whom he had helped bring up. This is not a matter of principle but a battle of wills and he is, in my opinion, behaving extremely arrogantly. She is not his grandchild. He is making you choose between him and your daughter's family. Dangerous.
Continue with your family's visit; he will behave how he chooses and hopefully will realise how childish his sulks are. You will have to make decisions about your relationship following this visit, but can you continue to live with being bullied for not agreeing with his so-called moral principles?

Well said easybee!

And under these circumstances I would be running for the hills. If he thinks he can control your relationship with your DD and GD what else is he capable of in the future?

When I met my OH we both agreed 'family first'. We might not always approve but we would never disregard them.