MIL and DIL Expectations... what are yours?

I expect my sons to put their wives before myself, i have no expectations of what should happen as long as my boys treat their wives with respect and love which they do I’m happy! I’m not an interfering mil and never will be, we keep in contact and I’m happy with that, I’m always here if needed

She was terrible in her own special way.

That really made me laugh!

I do hope nobody will ever say that about me though!

Hmmm.. lots of in law threads rearing their heads today.

I was really concerned to have a good relationship with my DIL and modelled my own MIL. She was non judgmental, didn’t offer advice, praised me, treated me to lovely presents and was a very good guest when she stayed with us (“I’ll just sit here and do what i’m told!” - said with humour) .

I was however sometimes a bit tense and tetchy when she was around as I don’t find having visitors wash when there are young children to look after and a house to clean in preparation. And I didn’t relax well when I visited her so I often came across as a bit moody and snappy. She never once commented on this.

And i remember going to bed cross and upset one Christmas Eve because she and my DH seemed to be suggesting we carry on with THEIR way of doing stockings etc , when I wanted to start our own traditions. It seems silly now but I was very sensitive then (still am) .

I had no expectations.

I had a preference for a daughter in law who was bright and lively but before any daughters-in-law came along I trusted that if my sons loved them they were going to be "worth loving".

I do not see them as my sons' social secretarys - though one is!

We are a largish family with lots of opinions and have discussions about nearly everything. We challenge and agree with each other in equal measure. We tend to speak our minds. I think it probably takes a strong person to decide to join us!

I believe my sons' "number 1 person" is their wife. So it should be. I am thankful that I have lived to see them truly loved. This is my "insurance" for their future. I'm happy to always come after these younger women as their bond with my sons grows over the years.

I had no expectations of my mother-in-law. I was married young and only met her half a dozen times beforehand. We didn't live close - though we now live just about half an hour away. I took her as she was. It has always felt that I was a person in my own right and not just her son's spouse.

I'd say - treat people well and they have no reason not to do the same to you. Be quick to apologise for any misunderstandings and acknowledge the other person's right to disagree.
Mothers-in-law and daughter-in-law are just people.
I think having expectations is unrealistic.
Don't give (or take) offence easily and, like most relationships, I think usually all will be well.

My job as a mil, more especially as a gran, is to support the family in any way I can.

AliceBlack

@Madgran, I'm sorry, I can't figure out how to quote on mobile, I'm new here.

Yes. I have many times tried to discuss it with her, which is why I know that her reason is I am so busy. (She doesn't call my husband either, because she thinks he's even more busy than me and shouldn't be interrupted.) In the last few years my husband has added his voice to the conversation, he's tried it alone, we've tried it together, we've tried it through FIL.

She is extremely avoidant and these types of conversations are not typically productive because she will deny that she refuses to call or invite. And then say that it's because we are so busy. And then she will sort of dismiss the whole thing, not really agreeing or disagreeing, but then never reaches out and continues to complain that we aren't keeping her in the loop.

It's ok if she isn't an outreaching kind of person, but then she doesn't get to complain that we don't do it either. If I want to talk to her, I call. If she wants to talk to me...? Well, maybe she doesn't want to talk to me. Who knows.

Hmm I see what you are saying. I think that handing the responsibility back to her ...and then refusing to be drawn into any further discussion on it might help.

So:
*she denies she refuses to call...."Oh ok. Well, whatever the reason, you don't call so that's your choice" ....she moans you dont keep her in the loop ...you repeat "Well you don't call. Whatever the reason that's your choice, so up to you" ....and so on.....
*She says you are so busy etc ...you say "Yes we are. You choose not to call, that's your choice so that's up to you"

This just stonewalls all the various moans about not being in the loop by putting that onus back onto her to make the choice she makes.

Ring her as and when and when she says you haven't called just say "No reason to. As you didn't call either I assume there was nothing to say really." ...she moans.....you say "Well you didnt call which is your choice so up to you really" ...OR "As you remind us regularly, we are busy. But I've called now so ....let me tell you about..."
* Re inviting you ..."You didnt invite us over so we assumed you were too busy for visitors" ...."Oh well let's not waste time on this. Tell me about/let me tell you about..."

Overall you stick to that type of response but also don't engage in lengthy conversations about it; after 2 or 3 repetitions cut it short ..."let's not keep going round in circles. Now tell me about/let me tell you about..."

Hope you can find a way to manage it without too much angst 💐

I love my DiL and I loved my MiL too. I know I’ve been lucky with both. I particularly love my DiL because she loves my son and makes him very happy.

I have two daughters-in-law and one ex daughter-in-law, my daughters-in-law have been in our family for 26 years and 32 years. Expectations is a key word IMO, personally I had no expectations and anticipated taking a back seat as it is only natural for a daughter and mother to be closer than a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. As things turned out my older son’s ex wife and current wife both had difficult relationships with their mothers so I was asked to help out with child care for five children since 1988 and was happy to do so. The two youngest grandchildren are 15 and 14 now so I’m not called on for child care very often but we have a very close relationship with them and we spend time with them often. Our younger son’s wife is very close to her family and from the start I expected to play a minor role compared to them but over the 32 years of their marriage we have become very close to our daughter-in-law and her family and we are always invited to family occasions, they consider us part of the family.

Long before I ever met my dh, I joked with friends that I looked forward to having a MIL one day, because there’s no way she could be worse than my mother.

Famous last words.

She was terrible in her own special way.

What I’d hoped for was an older woman who I could form a friendly bond with, and hopefully build on that until we had a good relationship. After all, we’d have my husband in common and any kids that came along.

What I got was someone who barely tolerated her son, demanded I become the daughter she always wanted instead of the son she had, considered our children competition for our attention and was used to being able to lie and manipulate almost everyone around her, as they found it easier to let her have her way than deal with her tantrums.

Perhaps I should add that I was not a model daughter in law as I have many faults but her treatment of me and the children was unreasonably rude and out of all proportion.

My late MIL was a complete nightmare. Her main aim was to undermine and belittle me at every opportunity. We did not live near so we didn't see her very often and when we did she would deliberately try and pick a row. I hated going out with her because she was rude to everybody eg shop assistants, waitresses or just people in the street wearing clothes she disapproved of.
She was nasty to the GCs, she had a collection of soft toys that lived on her sofa and they were not allowed to touch them. She used to say things like "Your mummy is very silly" to them in front of me.
The worst thing she did was to regularly ring the landline when she knew her DS wasn't there, not say anything and then hang up. I eventually had the calls traced so I knew it was her but when I confronted her she refused to admit it and tried to gaslight me.

My biggest regret is that I was not ruder to her and I did not estrange myself and the children from her.

I was lucky to have a fabulous MIL (who is still with us at nearly 100) and I get on well with my DIL too. I'm learning the ropes as they've only been married for 2 years, but one thing I do is always speak directly to her when I want her opinion or to ask her something, rather than though my son. I don't expect her to be his voice, or to buy me presents or Mother's Day cards etc - that's his job. They live too far away, and are too busy for us to see much of them, but we all keep in touch and we see them when we can.

I have no expectations, that to me is rather dated. I give what I can and they have been supportive to me while I have been ill and at other times. I believe expectations cause problems, especially with the millennial generation. If I feel upset I say and so do they, whether in person or via my sons. It’s not a perfect relationship but it works for us all and the grandchildren.

I would just let it go.

@Madgran, I'm sorry, I can't figure out how to quote on mobile, I'm new here.

Yes. I have many times tried to discuss it with her, which is why I know that her reason is I am so busy. (She doesn't call my husband either, because she thinks he's even more busy than me and shouldn't be interrupted.) In the last few years my husband has added his voice to the conversation, he's tried it alone, we've tried it together, we've tried it through FIL.

She is extremely avoidant and these types of conversations are not typically productive because she will deny that she refuses to call or invite. And then say that it's because we are so busy. And then she will sort of dismiss the whole thing, not really agreeing or disagreeing, but then never reaches out and continues to complain that we aren't keeping her in the loop.

It's ok if she isn't an outreaching kind of person, but then she doesn't get to complain that we don't do it either. If I want to talk to her, I call. If she wants to talk to me...? Well, maybe she doesn't want to talk to me. Who knows.

Surely it's best not to have 'expectations.' Every relationship finds its own way of operating. Sometimes that means both parties are happy with that; sometimes it doesn't. It's only in the latter case that there may be problems which will need to be ironed out.

I get on really well with my DIL and have done for years. I had no expectationss of her - as long as she any DS were happy, that’s all it needed to be.

I don’t know what, if any, expectations she had of me.🤷‍♀️

At the start, we just sat, a couple of glasses of wine each and started to get to know each other, and it’s worked well ever since.🥂

There seem to be a bunch of other unspoken expectations that we come up short on as well. It's very unhealthy for all involved.

To be honest the expectation you did quote, didnt seem that big a deal to me personally. Though we are all different.

As I mentioned upthread, my mil has two. Or three now I come to think more. One at least is bigger than that in my opinion.
But that is just her.

A bunch of them would be tiresome.

AliceBlack

Thank you everyone for your replies.

My MIL definitely has expectations of me, though she would say if asked that she doesn't.

However, she refuses to call us or invite us over, but then complains that she doesn't see us enough or have any idea what is going on with us. Evidently then, she has an expectation that we will "regularly" reach out to her with updates on our lives. It feels wildly unfair that the burden of the relationship has been placed firmly on her son and DIL and no amount of communication has succeeded in shifting her perspective.

We have many times asked her to call instead of laying guilt on us for not calling often enough. She replies by saying we are just so busy, she can't call us. We've asked her to call anyway and we just won't pick up if we are busy and will call her back when we have time. That conversation -- which we've had with her dozens of times and she can recite if asked -- has changed nothing.

There seem to be a bunch of other unspoken expectations that we come up short on as well. It's very unhealthy for all involved.

Have you ever sat down to discuss the issue more specifically as in:

* why do you not want to invite us over?
*Ok but we ARE busy but we do want to catch up like you. Let's look at a way that works for ALL of us
* we have told you to call us and if busy we will ring back. ...

....If you choose to ignore that then that is your prerogative. .....That is the solution we are offering. It is up to you if you wish to use it.

* We know you want regular updates. If you want that we need you to remind us sometimes as we are busy ....

The principle behind this type of very direct equal responsibility conversation is passing the choice to make it work to get what they want back ...rather than just resentfully carrying on. If you do that nothing will change!

Sometimes you just can't win.
When i first met my MIL, I thought she was a lovely lady (in her 80s), we got on so well (or so I thought). Within 2 years of meeting her the wedding day arrived. She totally ignored all my guests, including my adult daughter. I have no idea why.
I let it go but as the years went on I was on the receiving end of her nasty tongue more than once.
8 years on. I no longer visit her, I haven't seen her since Mother's Day in March, I called her in August to thank her for my birthday card/money.
Im too old to put up rudeness from anyone whether I'm related to them or otherwise

Thank you everyone for your replies.

My MIL definitely has expectations of me, though she would say if asked that she doesn't.

However, she refuses to call us or invite us over, but then complains that she doesn't see us enough or have any idea what is going on with us. Evidently then, she has an expectation that we will "regularly" reach out to her with updates on our lives. It feels wildly unfair that the burden of the relationship has been placed firmly on her son and DIL and no amount of communication has succeeded in shifting her perspective.

We have many times asked her to call instead of laying guilt on us for not calling often enough. She replies by saying we are just so busy, she can't call us. We've asked her to call anyway and we just won't pick up if we are busy and will call her back when we have time. That conversation -- which we've had with her dozens of times and she can recite if asked -- has changed nothing.

There seem to be a bunch of other unspoken expectations that we come up short on as well. It's very unhealthy for all involved.

What are/were your expectations as a DIL? How about as a MIL?

In both cases I expected mutual respect; clear kind but honest communication; a level of compromise/give and take and a wish to be on good terms!

Basically the same as I expect from all my relationships with other people, whatever that relationship is comprised of!

Going back to the opening post specifically, I think it depends on the individuals involved.
If one party has unreasonable behaviour, then there is going to be trouble. End of.