MIL and DIL Expectations... what are yours?

are you writing an article ?

You could start us off by sharing your expectations OP.

I'm definitely not writing an article. I'm try to gain some different perspectives to help me manage my own relationships.

I have a rough relationship with my MIL due to mismatched expectations and I want to be careful with my own expectations both towards her and my future DIL. I've been married for 25 years and the struggles have continued despite attempts at communication.

My thinking here is that if I throw this out to both sides I can get a feel for each and avoid future pitfalls.

Smileless2012

You could start us off by sharing your expectations OP.

I intentionally didn't include my own because I didn't want to influence what others might say.

As a MIL, I expect her to be a loving and supportive partner to my son and hope that she will feel comfortable including us in her life. I want a relationship with both of them and hope that they know they can turn to us when they need a bit of support. I want her to respect me as she would anyone else, but I don't feel she has an extra duty to me above what she might have to anyone who is an important part of her husband's life.

As a DIL, I expect to be recognized as an adult, and as a person in my own right rather than as an extension of my husband and my children. I want to be Alice, not DH's wife or DGS's mother. I want her to care about us and support us, including supporting our choices even when she disagrees with them. I expect her to keep her commentary on me and mine to herself unless I ask her opinion.

Thank you AliceBlack.

Your expectations as a m.i.l. are the same as mine as are the expectations you have as a d.i.l., apart from your final sentence.
I expect her to keep commentary on me and mine to herself unless I ask her opinion as for me that is an unrealistic expectation.

Alice, I largely agree with your expectations though I've never really thought them through. As a new D-i-L I would find those M-i-L expectations OK, but I loved my M-i-L & having been close through 35 years of major life events I did feel at that point that I had a duty to her over & above that I would have had to other people my husband was close to, & looking after her was because I loved her & she was a treasured part of my family, not because she was my husband's mum.

I think both need to understand that all relationships need healthy boundaries.

Respect must always go both ways.

Both should understand that any type of “power struggle” is foolish and never in the interest of cohesive family relationships. Ego can only do harm to the wider family.

I have 2 ds.i.l. I have no expectations. I do not have telephone ‘chats’ with my sons. Anything that needs to be said, is by the ds.i.l. Communication regarding grandchildren etc are always done by the girls. Work and school commitments mean that I don’t see them as often as I’d like. . I know some ms.i.l and ds.i.l are best friends with each other. We are not. Neither am I best ‘friends’ with my daughter. We are mother and daughter and we love each other. I have my own circle of friends. As they say, that’s how the cookie crumbles.

My family is very opinionated and not very good at admitting we are wrong. Luckily we agree on most things. We all agree as well that new generations do things differently and that should be respected. With things like guidelines for babies we all agree to follow what is current. Few issues here and get on very well with DILs.

I don't think I had any expectations of my MIL, well either of them as I have been married twice. My first MIL was pleasant but after ten year I felt I hardly knew her, she was very dominated by FIL and was a very quiet person but pleasant. My 2nd MIL was very difficult, my DH went no contact with her more than once and I worked hard to keep the relationship going. I don't think I ever got any thanks for it. I think she didn't like the fact I'd been married before and had children.

I have 3 sons with partners but not all married, I still view each as a DIL. One is very easy to get on with, one can be a bit tricky and one would prefer my son had sprung into the world the day they met and had no family or friends from before her. I have a friendly relationship with all of them, could bang two heads together at times as they make it hard for 2 of my sons to maintain their relationship. They are all good mothers from what I see and my sons seem happy so it is fine from my perspective. I don't expect them to do the family stuff, I always contact my sons rather than their partners, generally the only time we have contact direct is when they are sending me photos of the GC on Whatsapp or I am asking for ideas for presents if son hasn't got back to me or I thank them for Christmas/birthday presents . I do find my SIL easier.

Smileless2012

Thank you AliceBlack.

Your expectations as a m.i.l. are the same as mine as are the expectations you have as a d.i.l., apart from your final sentence.
I expect her to keep commentary on me and mine to herself unless I ask her opinion as for me that is an unrealistic expectation.

Why do you think that is unrealistic?

I think struggling not to frequently offer unsolicited opinions to the young parents/couple is incredibly egotistical. No one’s opinion should be so important. It’s not hard at all to zip it, especially when you know the likelihood of it landing well is low.

I have a new DiL, I expect nothing from her, she’s living here at the moment with her new wife, my daughter, and she’s just a great person.

As for me, as a MiL, I expect myself to be welcoming and supporting and helpful.

Because we have suffered estrangement as a family and know how difficult that can be we have always - whenever our daughters complain about their MiLs - asked them to show patience and kindness, which has worked thus far, though one MiL is tricky even by her son’s admission we push for greater efforts by us all to include her and make sure she feels part of the extended family. I think problems can arise when the mother and father of the daughter try to monopolise things, either intentionally or simply because they have allowed it to happen over time. Being aware of this as parents of the daughter can help in many cases.
But in a nutshell both MiLs and DiLs need to try to get along, and other members of the family have to seek to enable this.

I had no expectations and I have the most wonderful DiL She and DS have been married nearly 25 years and they have given us 2 delightful grandchildren.

I treat mine how I would like to be treated,my DIL is another daughter to us and we love her dearly.I also loved my MIL and saw her more often than her daughter who lived 5 minutes away from her.MIL asked me to go live with her during Covid ,sadly I didn’t think I could let my husband stay on his own and cope with our business interests.She knew she could stay with us whenever she wanted and she would come for a week every 6 weeks or so and sometimes for 3 or 4 weeks but she wouldn,t stay because she would miss her friends.I spoke to her most days and I miss her a lot since she died nearly 3 years ago .

It would certainly have been an unrealistic expectation of my m.i.l. theworriedwell .

I don't have either but would expect neither to be so controlling that they made other people's lives a misery. i.e. keep expectations low and enjoy when contact/surprises are presented naturally and with thought. The rest of the time I would focus on my own life unless an emergency needed my attention and then I would step up. But there again, I don't really like people, am an introvert, and hate having to give of myself emotionally.

I really enjoyed being with my in-laws. They were such nice welcoming people as were their own relatives. It was fun being with them. They lived a long way from DH and me so that must have made a difference. I've not got any close family of my own but DH's made up for it. I miss them

As long as she makes my son happy and he does the same for her, that's all I hope for.

I'll tell him off if he upsets her 🙂

One of the reasons I chose never to marry and chose never to have kids is because I've read so much over the years about MIL/FIL, kids, expectations etc. that it sounds scarey with all the trouble some families are causing or going through!

At the ripe old age of 59 I'll very happily continue to be husband/child/in-law free forever!

TheWeirdo

One of the reasons I chose never to marry and chose never to have kids is because I've read so much over the years about MIL/FIL, kids, expectations etc. that it sounds scarey with all the trouble some families are causing or going through!

At the ripe old age of 59 I'll very happily continue to be husband/child/in-law free forever!

So long as you are happy and content, that’s all that matters.

For me, despite them being a royal pain at times I’d miss our 5 children and our grandson immensely.

My parents were amazing in laws, my MiL was/is a trulylovely lady, my FiL (deceased) and his wife were ok!

There should never be expectations. What is normal in the Son's family may be very different in the DIL's family. For example Christmas traditions, it is about bringing our childhood memories with us and sharing them together. I married my Husband not his Mother but was lucky to have a wonderful MIL and FIL who treated me like a Daughter.

As a mil with sils - no expectations apart from being kind, decent, polite to our daughters. I don't feel expectations have been placed on us either.