Knowing who your friends are.

Well, as I said earlier I was going to do, I did message a couple of friends I hadn’t seen or heard from for a while, as I’d said friends will appear when something goes wrong, but how many will just check on you for no apparent reason. I am very glad I did, as one is doing well, but has been busy moving house, but the other has had a recurrence of the cancer she had been in remission from. I’m going to see her next week, as she says it’s her pre-chemo week when she feels quite well. I’m sure someone in her position wouldn’t like to contact people, as they may think they’ll be a nuisance.

DiamondLily

When my DH died, last year, I certainly went through a learning curve as to who my real friends are.🙄

Hope that you are well & as happy as can be in the circumstances.
People can be very fickle "Nelt as srange as folk"
I send my best wishes your wa y. 😊❤👍

I found out who my friends were when I was divorced.
I worked and socialised with someone that I thought was a good friend whose husband was also independantly ,a friend of my husband.
When we divorced the only time I heard from her was abouy 12 months later when she rang to ask if I still had the bike that my daughter had ridden and if so, could she have it.
Needless to say the answer was NO!
However, I did have some true friens who I know to this day.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Drew Chalker wrote a poem in which he said “ People Come Into Your Life for a reason, a season or a lifetime”. 😊

Very lovely & very true. 😊

In times of need there are always those who utter the phrase ‘ let me know if you need anything’ it’s just that a meaningless phrase to most, they are hoping you never ask, real friends bang on your door whether you want them or not, they phone and just keep in contact. When my husband was ill then died I learnt who the good guys were, now I ensure to the best of my ability that I’m a friend indeed.

I have many acquaintances but only a handful of friends, that is the difference, acquaintances pop up now and then but friends are there whenever you need them or they need you, it works both ways. My friends have been friends for over 50 years, loyal friends too. There were others I thought were friends but they fell by the wayside if the going got tough.

My "best friend" of 50 years died last year and I was abroad for her funeral. My daughter attended in my place. We had been through thick and thin together, both with our kids, her traumatic divorce, both our illnesses and so on.

Imagine my hurt when I saw the Order of Service, which had a photo of another "friend" (whom I knew well and did not like much as she was always bragging about her money and interesting life) and was described as my pal's "best friend".

I also know that on the anniversary of my friend's death this other friend was invited out with her family to celebrate the years of knowing her - and I was totally ignored.

I was clearly important to my friend during her life. She came to the weddings of both my daughters and I to the weddings of her sons, and we all got on exceptionally well.

So what happened there? I will never know. But it will always hurt me.

I often took a non driving friend out inmy car, maybe girlie shopping or garden centre or cinema….. fast forward to last year when I had a left side stroke and my driving is finished . She sent me a card saying she was sorry to hear about that but looking forward to our lovely days out again. How selfish and tactless is that?

I hope I am a good friend. I try to be but did let a friend down during covid lockdown. She had very different views from me and I withdrew as couldn’t see her viewpoint at all. She was struggling and I was struggling and I feel ashamed I stopped contact. Three years on she emailed to ask if we could meet up for a lunch and catch up she had missed me. We have met up twice now with another meet planned. It is so lovely to be back in touch and enjoying each other’s company. It is a friendship from work when I was 18 and she a few years older. We share a lot of history. I am so pleased she made another attempt to rebuild our friendship. Covid was a difficult time for many.
I am very lucky to have some special friends in my life who are like family. It takes a long time to build a close friendship with effort from both sides. I get it wrong sometimes but I hope I get it right more and will always be there for my friends if I can as they have proved they have been there for me in difficult times.

kittylester

I am currently wondering what to do in just this situation.

The husband of a friend has recently died after a period of ill health and I sent a card saying I was there if she needed me. She sent a message saying that she hoped to catch up qith friends 'when things settle down'. Should I contact her, when?

We had been close when our daughters were at school together but had only bumped into each other every now and again since then.

It's hard isn't it Kitty ? I have a friend who recently lost her partner an then a few months later her Mother. We live miles apart but I sent cards and letters, I haven't had any replies which is understandable but I feel like I want her to know I'm still thinking about her, but like you, I don't want to feel stalkery either . You don't want them to feel under pressure to respond either.

Perhaps a modest bunch of flowers, not too showy, with a card left on her doorstep. With an inscription to the effect of "I am thinking about you at this very sad time. As soon as you feel ready, I would love to either meet you somewhere for coffee or alternatively have you over for a simple lunch at my house. I am happy to pick you up and drop you home again. My telephone number is ..................... No pressure though, whenever you feel up to it. Much Love........

Ilovedogs22

I have one proven true friend & sometimes I cannot stand him & him me! Despite arguing like cat & dog for 40yrs, I know that he would go to the ends of the earth for his children, myself and his old dog. In that way I am very lucky. Yet, oddly, I knew that I was going to marry him the moment I met him. Even though I didn't particularly like him at all!!!
Very strange. Is this schadenfreude,🤔

No, Schadenfreude means the delight or pleasure we feel in others pain, discomfort or misfortune - a singularly nasty vice.

I do not think English has one word for this unpleasant trait of human behaviour,

I was also on the end of “very friendly when we entertained, able to weekend away etc”
When my H developed Alzheimer’s what a different story.
Friends dropped off, didn’t even visit him even though they played golf together for years.
You certainly do live and learn.
One who has since lost her life partner is now often in touch and I meet up with her on my terms about once a month.
She is bemoaning now that she also has been dropped.

I thought I had a couple of "helpful" type friends here in my own agegroup - until Lockdown came along and their attitude changed to disapproval of me for having the opposite viewpoint to them and they cut me off. I just think "More fool them - given that one of them lives just round the corner and she won't have me living nearby helping her out if need be". I think the writing was on the wall when I was abiding by her thing of me only being allowed (by her) to visit her if I accepted sitting in her garage with the door open (no matter how cold it was). Then there was the Christmas where Drakeford (Welsh Assembly) allowed a limited amount of socialising and she went to cancel the arrangement we'd made for her to come to a Christmas lunch at my house and he did a last minute cancellation thing on Christmas Day and she had to choose between a married friend and single me and I had to point out to her that Covid wasn't going to suddenly leap on her in between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day during her 100' or so walk on her own from her house to mine and she could see married friend (and her husband) on Christmas Day and come to mine on Boxing Day.

At least one blessing these days is it's possible to order all sorts of food online. So a recent couple of weeks where I didn't feel up to walking to the supermarket just meant = pick what food I could from what I grow in my garden and I ordered what "basics" I needed from Amazon. Blimmin' expensive it was too - and I was paying twice the price for my butter, having to make do only with my plant milk I have, paying over the odds for my (expensive anyway) type of bread I eat = but at least I was able to get something in okay and I've made a policy of being very well stocked-up with food anyway once I moved to an area with Welsh weather ....as I don't want to have to visit a nearby supermarket if there's monsoon rain or a gale outside.

@kittylester. There’s some really helpful advice on the Sue Ryder website
www.sueryder.org/grief-support/supporting-someone-bereaved/

I've recently had a stroke so not as
' useful to know ' and so called friends are not to be seen .

The Bodach??? Who's that?

Oh Beckett that’s so sad to read. It will have cut you to the quick I expect.

Good friends are rare, and to be treasured. I try to be one, but I sometimes fall short. Life is so demanding

This post reminds me of the time my DH was rushed into hospital and was in Intensive Care for 2 weeks then a further 2 weeks until he was released. The number of people who knew I was at the hospital in an afternoon then going back in the evening included a couple of friends and my neighbours. That old saying came out "If there's anything we can do just ask". I hate those words because in all the time people saw me coming and going every day but not one came up to me and offered anything not even a meal.

My late husband was very outgoing and being a builder was also very practical. He was always inviting people in for drinks, BBQs and parties and was always been called on to carry out repairs, which he did willingly and for free.

Once he died, I became invisible, all those people he helped ignored me, I was never invited to the parties they gave, never asked if I needed help with anything, even when I was taken off to hospital by ambulance no-one visited or called in to check on me when I returned home.

I think a bereavement really shows who your friends are, after losing my daughter, I was struck with immense grief, suicidal, lost my home, business etc I could not function, so many 'friends' avoided me. Speaking to them years after many have said they didn't know what to say to me, and I said well that is what you should've said! Also after surgery which meant I could not drive for six weeks, I saw one friend for 2 mins max at the doorstep, I lived alone, could not get out shopping (before the days of supermarket deliveries) I was basically living off things I could buy from the milkman. I have found over the years that most people only want to know you when you are able to do things for them, yet disappear if you need help yourself.

Yes I had a friend who was good fun but didn't like ordering things on the Internet but expected me to do it for her. And because I had a husband he could do things for her.
She dropped me when I was no longer useful.

I have run into and had dealings with exploitative people decades before covid was ever heard of.
It's just the law of the jungle.
They sniff out their prey.

I posted on here some months ago that I was finding it difficult to make friends since moving to a new area (it's been over over 9 years now).
I received many helpful suggestions.
I've now accepted a new different way of life. I don't have any friends here. I keep in contact with a few old friends. Last week I went to visit my daughter and while she was at work I was happy to amuse myself, even went out for lunch in a very nice French restaurant.
I would rather be alone than have fake friends.
I often wonder if people have changed since covid