Knowing who your friends are.

Gwyllt

Biglouis I was brought up in Liverpool and never heard that one

because it's just plain horrible.

Biglouis I was brought up in Liverpool and never heard that one

I have a friendship with a friend , which began at least thirty years ago .
I know every member of her immediate and extended families .
They are always extremely nice to me and invite me to all family occasions .
It means a great deal to me .
But over the last couple of years my old friend has occasionally been offhand , dismissive and cool with me .
It's been painful and confusing .
I avoid confrontation , but I have asked her if I've done anything to offend her .
Last week , we went out all day and enjoyed ourselves .
This week , I've seen her and shown her how to sew something .
But I realised that she has told me a blatant lie and it doesn't sit well with me .
I realise that she has had a new friend over the last couple of years and prefers to confide in her .
She's more her kind of person -I guess .
I think that we tend to compartmentalise friends .
One friend is great company for going to the cinema or gardening or clothes shopping ..

It just doesn't occur to me to be dishonest .

See my post about friend of 30 years who is moving a way without a word.

It’s only when you need them you find out who are fair weather friends. The people that say, ring if you need anything, but don't mean it, you are no longer useful in a lot of cases. My one group of friends whom I've had fifteen years, disappeared when I couldn't do the activities I used to due to being older and with a health issue, whats app went silent. Somehow I knew it would happen as I saw how they spread themselves about with a new person and went low contact for a while. I am lucky having three good friends still, I don't see them often enough as all have husbands and demanding grandchildren which I don't.

Yes it was a terrible shock, especially as both were diagnosed the same week.
Thankfully I have other friends, some quite recent, who were all very kind.
Thanks Pascal and Jasper.

silverlining48

Precious little Pascal.
We were friends since primary school.

I sincerely hope you did have some supportive friends around. What a traumatic time you've had...

silverlining48

Precious little Pascal.
We were friends since primary school.

Terribly sorry to hear this.

Precious little Pascal.
We were friends since primary school.

silverlining48

Sorry about that yiayia, hope your dh is recovering.

My husband and adult child were both diagnosed with cancer at the same time some years ago. I told my friend and she hasn’t been heard of since.
I couldn’t do that to an acquaintance, never mind a friend of 65 years.

it's unfathomable Silverlining.. what does friendship mean to them...

I believe it is because some people must be the centre of attention.
Although they don’t want to be affected by the disease they actually crave the attention that it brings, so they prefer to cut and run.
They tell you every little detail of any colds, sore throats, headaches they get and drop huge hints it is probably very serious but when you and yours get something really nasty they don’t want to know.
I concluded this from personal experience.

Sorry about that yiayia, hope your dh is recovering.

My husband and adult child were both diagnosed with cancer at the same time some years ago. I told my friend and she hasn’t been heard of since.
I couldn’t do that to an acquaintance, never mind a friend of 65 years.

silverlining48

When cancer struck two of my closest family I certainly learned quickly who my friends were. It was a terrible shock that some, even longstanding friends, just disappeared. Pouff!

Exactly what happened to us.My DH was recently diagnosed and treated for cancer.Some very long standing friends totally blanked us.

kwest

Perhaps a modest bunch of flowers, not too showy, with a card left on her doorstep. With an inscription to the effect of "I am thinking about you at this very sad time. As soon as you feel ready, I would love to either meet you somewhere for coffee or alternatively have you over for a simple lunch at my house. I am happy to pick you up and drop you home again. My telephone number is ..................... No pressure though, whenever you feel up to it. Much Love........

That message puts a lot of pressure on a bereaved person.
If people feel that they need to make contact, thinking of you is sufficient.

GrannyIvy

I hope I am a good friend. I try to be but did let a friend down during covid lockdown. She had very different views from me and I withdrew as couldn’t see her viewpoint at all. She was struggling and I was struggling and I feel ashamed I stopped contact. Three years on she emailed to ask if we could meet up for a lunch and catch up she had missed me. We have met up twice now with another meet planned. It is so lovely to be back in touch and enjoying each other’s company. It is a friendship from work when I was 18 and she a few years older. We share a lot of history. I am so pleased she made another attempt to rebuild our friendship. Covid was a difficult time for many.
I am very lucky to have some special friends in my life who are like family. It takes a long time to build a close friendship with effort from both sides. I get it wrong sometimes but I hope I get it right more and will always be there for my friends if I can as they have proved they have been there for me in difficult times.

Okays - we all make mistakes but it takes maturity and compassion to put them right and not a lot of people have got that imo. So - congratulations on being humble enough to do that.

Pleased you've both been able to put "Lockdown and all that" behind you and resume the friendship. That shows intelligence and maturity on both parts.

As I stated above - I lost what I thought was a friend that lives nearby and I think our differing views on this was probably the main factor and I've tried from my side to resume it - but it's very clear she doesn't want to know from her side and I've had to just shrug my shoulders and think "c'est la vie" and move on.

So that was good you can both put this behind you - as I've tried for my part to "resume" and have just had to accept that and think "Well it guess it shows she wasnt really a friend in the event".....

I have always tried to be a good loyal friend and did my best to be there for my friends. Out of the blue one long term of 18 years decided she was fed up with me , sent a rude text for some unknown reason and walked away . I had supported her through divorce , finance worries and helped her move home . Another friend of 40 years has met a man and I've not seen her since last Christmas. It seems I've been useful when they needed me . My life is very small and quiet and I have learned not to give myself away to others . Sadly it has changed me . To those who are still in my life I would help in a heartbeat. I won't be contacting the friend with the new man anymore . My mum used to say " familiarity breeds contempt " she was right . Big lessons learned

biglouis 😂

Sadly true friendship seems to be a dying art, people seem to be too self-absorbed these days to really care about anyone. When I lost my Mum a few years back, who died very suddenly and unexpectedly, my so called 'best friend' didn't even bother to attend the funeral as she was 'too busy'.
Think that told me everything about my so called 'best friend' of many decades !

biglouis

We have an old saying in Liverpool that "a friend in need is a bloody nuisance". Sad, but true.

😆👍👏

So what happened there? I will never know

That's the bit that rattles round your head doesn't it?

Sympathies.

Ilovedogs. Thank you for your kind comments.

Indigo8. Why does that not surprise me?

Here, here GinJeannie. It is less than a month since I sold mine and there is already a distinct cooling off some "friends"
I gave lifts to. One of them actually drove past me when I was waiting at the bus stop in the rain, honked the horn and waved as she sped past.

I found out the hard way that having the use of my car certainly made a big difference to my friendship list!

FishandChips15

I have written a comment on another thread too.

Since my DH went into the care home I have found out who my friends are. It was good when we, especially him, were doing favours, but now most people do not even bother to ask after him or check if I am alive.

I am both disappointed and disgusted.

Ohh I'm so sorry for you, some people are takers & others givers. You & your husband are givers.
At least you can take comfort in the knowledge that both of you did your best for others with true, kind hearts.
My best wishes to you, don't lose heart, just keep on being your lovely
self. 💞

SaxonGrace

In times of need there are always those who utter the phrase ‘ let me know if you need anything’ it’s just that a meaningless phrase to most, they are hoping you never ask, real friends bang on your door whether you want them or not, they phone and just keep in contact. When my husband was ill then died I learnt who the good guys were, now I ensure to the best of my ability that I’m a friend indeed.

I think I posted this very thing when the Bodach died, and now have never said ‘ You know where I am if you need anything’ if somebody has died.
A couple of my quite good friends said this, and I’m sure they meant well, but I would have far rather they had said, say, they were going shopping, did I want to go, or did I need anything, or handed in a casserole or a cake. I’m sure you’re right that they really do hope you don’t ask.