Lonely in Marriage

I have a cleaner twice a month, and it as made a difference not having to do all the cleaning.
We have different interests and he takes a week away yearly with his bowling friends and I go away with a friend.
We are busy weekends with family and grandchildren over.
I do the majority of things running the house and looking after the garden. He does far less than me but what can you do.
I always say the man I married almost 55 yrs ago was a different person to the one I live with now.

Do you have friends who are not also friends of your husband, Faith? If so, go on outings with them, eat while you're out and do not leave a meal ready for your husband, just a note saying – roughly – when you expect to be back.

This is just one scenario. You could tell him you're too tired to do all his laundry as well as your own (and that of your parents?), so can he sort that out himself.

Etc, etc. Find ways NOT to do so much and to make him understand that he's being a little unfair. He may actually never have realised. (No, I'm not making excuses, just explaining 🙃 ).

And, as a dear old friend of mine used to say: if all else fails, lower your standards!

Correction - give you a hand with your elderly parents….

I imagine you don’t just feel lonely you must feel shattered. Your husband is off living the life whilst you are over burdened with housework and caring for elderly parents. I would be livid. You need to ask him to take over with the housework whilst you swan off to do something you find enjoyable, even if it is just a trip to the shops and coffee with cake.
Retirement is retiring from paid work, not from housework, he needs to be reminded of this.
And he could also give you a hand with u out r parents, I mean they are his in-laws as well.
All the best

Why doesn't he support you with helping your parents? Why doesn't he take responsibility for his 50% of chores? Is he still committed to the marriage.. all questions that really need answering..

CariadAgain

Admitted I'm not married - but my first question is "Why isn't he doing his 50% of the housework?" You've probably not got as much energy and "mind space" as you should have - because you're carrying him by doing his 50% as well as your own.

For the 2nd time this morning, I am going to agree with you!

Anyone can have lots more energy if they dont do any housework. Or work.

We can really only give our opinions on the matter.
The only way they can be resolved is to talk to him about it. Certainly the division of household labour needs sorting.

Sorry to sound brutal, but it seems he misses the company at work and being at home or helping with elderly relatives is not what he wants to do, hence the need to find new friendships and interests.

The fact that this is all falling to you is being ignored by him.

I think you need to have a good discussion about the way forward for you both in retirement.

Of course the other option re housework could be he pays someone to do his share of that - and don't forget to include "everything" (eg the cooking, the shopping, etc) and I'd say that could mean someone doing the bathroom/s, the kitchen/s, all the floors, the windowcleaning etc to ensure that it's done - but you're not the one doing it for him.

Regardless of the suspected ADHD I do think you need to have a full and frank discussion with your OH sooner rather than later.

It does seem hugely unfair that you are undertaking all the household chores and supporting elderly relatives whilst he swans about with numerous hobbies and a circle of new friends although it might be in his nature to think this is acceptable and unless the contrary is pointed out to him he won't know any different.

Yes, he will be happy when you do spend time together because the shopping, cleaning, washing, ironing, gardening, etc etc has ALL been done - no wonder you are exhausted Faith!

Admitted I'm not married - but my first question is "Why isn't he doing his 50% of the housework?" You've probably not got as much energy and "mind space" as you should have - because you're carrying him by doing his 50% as well as your own.

In my experience it's usually the wife who finds making friends easy and likes to go out whereas her partner enjoys his own company .
But there are variations .

If you have all the boring household chores and care for elderly parents then you are probably exhausted and more than happy to be quiet at home .
Elderly parents can be so demanding much as we love them .

Do you and your husband share any interests or hobbies ?
That would be common ground .

You can carry on feeling lonely , but if you want to change things you'll have to tell him how you feel .
I expect that you fear a confrontation or a row and hesitate .
Maybe , I'd say
could you load the dishwasher whilst I get my coat and bag and then , we can both go down the pub together .
Or
I'd like to have some friends over , but I need a lot of help .
Can I rely on you to get the shopping , prepare food with me ?
I've looked and there's a film that I'd like to see .
Can we go together ?

I think that it's a common problem when people retire .
So many friends say that their hubby is driving them crazy !