Feeling very left out and sad

I would just ignore it. If it happens again and again, and it's very obvious you're not being included, I would have a heart to heart with them. Maybe they would allow you to have the children in your home so you could spend time with them. I'm sure dil's would appreciate some time to themselves.

It's so much harder to be the mother of the husband than the wife. Girls still hold their relationship with their mothers very closely, while boys will separate and go the way their wives go. I have two boys, and I absolutely get it. My DIL and I have an eggshell relationship. Luckily, I'm the only grandparent left who pays attention to the kids, but I also get sad and jealous when my DIL does things with her mom or family and I get left out. They'll go to Thanksgiving or Christmas over to her mother's family's house, while I'm home alone. That hurts, but I don't think my son has any say.
I just wanted to post to say that I absolutely understand how you feel. I get the jealousy and feeling slighted. I think it's normal for us moms of boys.

Try getting to know the Mums. I often meet up with my daughter’s mother in law. I know she nurtured our friendship as she had already lost one set of grandchildren through divorce followed by immigration. That said I still enjoy mother daughter days!

You don't know if their mothers are going with them on their break and you say you understand why you weren't invited to the panto. I can understand feeling a little left out re the panto and it would have been nice to be invited even if they knew you would not be able to go but why be upset about the holiday when you don't even know the facts.
Try to just be thankful that the grandchildren got to go to a panto and have a lovely time and that now they're going off on holiday to have more fun. It gives you all lots more to talk about when they next see you and hopefully you will be able to arrange a meeting before long.

Ive been just as involved with my sons kids over the years as i have with 3daughters kids- its the person you are, and the person your d.i.l. is that makes the difference, and how you both get on. Also it works 2 ways, ive taken my grandkids on hols with me and xmas treat days out etc over the years, you cant just sit home waiting for invites to be issued. And ive got TWO bad knees.(a panto wouldnt exclude you from it as you are sat down most of time, and a lot of theatres have a disabled lift now) I supose ive been very lucky to be so involved but i do beleive its down to personalities how youre regarded as 'the other gran/nan)

Keep an eye out for local notice boards, adds in local papers for new groups opening up. If everyone is new there are no cliques to overcome, and you quickly get to know people and make friends. Some local authorities are starting to open up hubs for over 65s and they are usually completely free of charge. Generally, they offer sandwiches, biscuits or cakes and tea or coffee. We started one in my village after the Covid lock downs nearly 3 years ago. It is held in the local pub from 12.30 until 2pm every Thursday. The landlady organizes the food and drinks at cost, we have waitress service and it is a great boost to know that every week there is a group of people you can talk to, they notice if anyone is missing and make enquiries to check that they are o.k. We are like an extended family and we all care about each other's welfare. We have all made friends since joining the group and there are other activities that have happened because the members have got together to organize them. We also attend the Village Hall once a month to support their coffee morning. Villages can be really kind and friendly places to live. When we started our Friendship Group we asked on the village Facebook page if anyone had any spare china at the back of their cupboards which they no longer used. In no time at all we had cups saucers plates, tiered cake stands, teapots, jugs sugar bowls all donated. I feel it brought us as a village closer and helped that feeling of being part of a large extended family. As they saying goes "It takes a village........". Look on your local area Facebook Page or even put up a question as to whether other people would like to get together to start up something similar.

3 main thoughts that come to minds.

First of all, I doubt they are doing this to hurt you on purpose, they are doing what is best for their family

1. I am afraid it is up to the sons to include you in their family plans.
Talk to them and coordinate with them family visits

2. Families with kids are busy. Plans are organized in advanced, sometimes weeks. Swinging a visit out of the blue is not possible

3. You asked them to bring the kids to you, making you a passive part of the equation, them having to do all the work if you want to see the kids
Instead, make it easier on them, how about you go and meet them where it is convenient for both of parties?
That way, you are both active in the relationship, helping each other.

Pippa22

Bloody acronyms, why oh why do people use them ? Too lazy, not time to type a word ( ! ) or just being in the know in the Gransnet club ?
Other sites done use them nearly so much , perhaps it’s just oldies trying to stay current.

It's interesting how many people assume that others not doing things their way are 'lazy', and ascribe negative motives, usually related to age. Maybe they are too lazy to learn what the acronyms mean?

The OP (Original Poster) was posting for support, not criticism of her posting style, particularly as DIL is a very common acronym, used on numerous sites.

SueDonim

Can you use this as an opportunity to see your sons on their own, have them over for a meal or something? In busy households it can be difficult to find time for one-to-one chats but here’s a chance.

This, definitely. It's a good chance to discuss how you can see the GC a bit more in a less pressured manner....🤞🏼

I really feel for you and sincerely hope that there’s some resolution. You’d benefit so much from a visit from your beloved grandchildren. x

Recently retired, trying to make more friends for social activities, any suggestions gladly welcome, tried voluntry work, friends apps, no results

Bloody acronyms, why oh why do people use them ? Too lazy, not time to type a word ( ! ) or just being in the know in the Gransnet club ?
Other sites done use them nearly so much , perhaps it’s just oldies trying to stay current.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re sad CrazyH, Just try to keep smiling and always welcoming, as I’m sure you are. I find it sad that some son’s can be so thoughtless. DIL’s will almost always sway to their mothers, but I do think it’s very selfish. I have daughters so haven’t had to deal with this, but my mother had three DIL’s. One was wonderful and cared enormously for my mum. The other two couldn’t bear my brothers having anything much to do with our side of the family. Yes it hurt her, but she never said a word to them about it. It doesn’t do any good and can make the situation worse.
I hope you’ve taken comfort from the posts on here. 💐

I'm not as close to my son's family as my daughter's, but I think that this is normal. Most DIL are closer to their mothers than their MILs.
I'm sad that though she often visits her mother for lunch at the weekend she doesn't find time to come and see us at the same time as she lives fairly close. On the other hand her mother is now widowed so I can understand why she visits her more.
If we take them out for a meal we often ask my DIL if her mother would like to come with us.
I just try to make the most of the time we do have with them.

I'm so sorry, I hope you feel better today.

Please get help for your knee. I've had 2 new knees - marvelous.

You are 100% correct.

Yes Luckygirl3s comment on no longer being the lynchpin really hit home . It is a big change . Especially when you haves DSs and I do empathise. Its good youve been able to share your feelings on here and we understand . But you must enjoy the precious times you have. Let it out on here by all means but dont let it spoil the lovely times .

I would always recommend saying "I feel... xyz" as only you are correct about your feelings.
There may be lots to disagree with about "facts" as Applegran says.

I’m a new grandma to an almost a 1 yr old, 1st grandchild. I get where you’re coming from, I have 2 adult sons, one which lives locally & one in Canada (they are expecting a child next year), my guess is that most daughters will have time for their own families and not so much for the male partners family, it shouldn’t be like this, you can get a sense of losing your sons like I have felt, therefore grandchildren too. I have grappled with sense of missing out, as it is I do have my grandson one day a week & occasionally on a weekend if his parents have arranged something. I don’t get much more than this with family times, though I am very grateful to get what I have.
Social media doesn’t help, as you say you see via what’s app the ‘other’ grandparent/s in the photo. You must be wondering when your time will come.
Facebook & instagram is the same though lately I don’t see much of the other. If you feel you can talk to your son about it, please do try. I have a good relationship with my local son, but still couldn’t pluck up a conversation with him how I felt. I could see he was under so much pressure being a 1st time new parent, and working & stuff at home.
Beware not to upset the apple cart though. Good luck & hope things turn around for you.. 🤞

I am sorry you are feeling sad. I hope you will find a way to talk to your sons about how you are feeling - if possible saying 'I feel........' rather than 'They have been mean and left me out......' It will be easier for your sons to engage with your feelings than to end up feeling they have to justify what others have done. Share your feelings honestly but avoid creating a kind of 'court of law' where someone is guilty and someone is innocent - that will not help and could lead to further problems. Just say to your sons how you feel so you feel heard and they understand better. I think this will leave you feeling better yourself.

@Ohmother you're so right. I feel for you. But it never stops hurting us mums of the boys. Glad we've at least got GN to tell our troubles to others that understand.

Oh, that’s completely understandable. I have a Dil and a sil. My D and Dil live nearby and I see them weekly and help

Thankyou Caleox

They don't intend to hurt you but are stupid and ignorant. You are allowed to feel hurt as much as you like and for as long as you like.
I think Kate is right. Situations change sometimes in unexpected ways.

That’s sad Bunnny - my heart goes out to you.